I think Paul might be my favorite apostle, because I genuinely love his epistles. They're so spiritually guiding. I'm really excited to study him more in depth this coming semester. Perhaps it is because I identify with his background of brokenness. Paul was a Pharisee who murdered Christians....pretty awful transgressions, there, and yet he found himself preaching the kingdom. I wonder how many times during his life Paul wondered if he would be able to say those things one day?
"Life is a marathon, not a sprint."
I keep reminding myself of this fact. Now, I hate running - I'll take my cardio in the pool please - but it's a great analogy for our walk with Christ. I don't know how many times I've looked at the post it note on my bathroom mirror that says look like Jesus and felt like a complete failure. It doesn't matter the magnitude of the sin, big ones, little ones, I still feel the same. I'm reminded that in my youth, perfection is an impossible goal.
I used to have a really large problem with perfectionist tendencies. Just be perfect, Stacey, and everything will be fine, I'd tell myself. Anything less than a 94 on a test = failure. Don't do X,Y,Z and you'll be happy = wrong. Marry the right guy, add the house, cars, and 2.3 kids, and ignore the glaring problem = lies. Always look perfect, so people think that you are = hypocrisy. So you can imagine that I carry my natural overachieving tendencies into my relationship with God.
For it is by grace you have been saved through faith, and not that of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. (Ephesians 2:8)
I love grace. In fact, it is the defining aspect of my life in Jesus. Because I believe, it has been gifted to me. Nothing I do can earn it, and nothing I do can destroy it. It simply is, because God loves us. In response to that awesome love, we return it as much as we can, always praying for Him to show us how to love Him more. We obviously shouldn't sin MORE to get more grace, that's just preposterous, and well advised against in Romans 6 (again Paul). However, sometimes sin can lead us to a place of a greater understanding of grace.
I truly want to please God, in everything I do, every minute of the day, every second of every minute, I want to be PERFECT. But I can't be. As a human being, I do not have what it takes to live a perfect life. I am going to make mistakes, and I'm going to screw up, and I'm going to beat myself up for it, then repent and ask forgiveness until I cry, until finally rejoicing in the fact that God is ever faithful, even when we are not.
That seems to be the foundation of my prayers here lately. "Thank You God for Your faithfulness." Hopefully one day I can echo the thoughts of Paul, who after many years, could say he had finished there race. For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it... (Luke 14:28). The cost is tremendous, but the reward is eternal. Stamina does not develop overnight, it takes little pieces of endurance to finally come together. This is the analogy of the marathon...
When I began swimming in August of 2009, I had a specific goal to reach. I had to swim 450 meters in 9 minutes or less. That's a lap per minute in a junior olympic pool. The first night I went, I could barely make 2 laps without a break. Within 2 weeks, I could swim the entire distance without stopping, but I wasn't in the range I needed. A month later, I'm swimming a mile nonstop in about 50 minutes. The next month, I'm consistently swimming a mile every morning in 40 minutes. I could relax, and still make my time! This has so many lessons to be gleaned.
I set a new goal to swim a mile in 30 minutes....I never did reach it, because I got lazy. I quit swimming every morning once I passed the test, and my stamina gradually faded. I would have to start near scratch again to get to that point (and I will, just as soon as I get some things figured out!). My endurance kept building, as long as I fed it regularly with more practice. It's about constancy, and dedication. When I had a bad day, I would try harder the next day. A really good day was often followed by a horrible swim. I quit looking at the prize, and got side-tracked. The same is true of our daily walk with Christ.
It's often easy to get distracted by things, and lose sight of the correct heading on your Jesus compass. I have shared with many people something very wise that was taught to me by Nate Wheeler.
Jesus is always 0 degrees. Any deviation, even a fraction of a degree, takes you further away from your end result of sitting with Him at the throne. Not that we don't frequently lose our heading. It's easier to correct from 10 degrees, however, than from 180. That's what the long-distance goal is all about. Staying focused on the prize, having enough left to continue throughout life, instead of flaming quickly and then burning out. Sometimes I wonder if God lets me break periodically to remind me of myself. My testimony would be useless, were it not to be passionately tied to the healing, saving, redeeming power of grace.
Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little. (Luke 7:47)
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