Keeping it Close

I haven't had much to say lately, and the things I am saying are still not being publicly posted. So for those of you reading right now, thanks, I suppose.

Have you ever gone through those seasons where, for whatever reason, you're just oddly protective of the work God is doing in you?

I'm sooooo there!

On one hand, I want to shout out all the good stuff, on the other, it's still tenuous and new and MINE.

Oh my goodness, I'm getting married to the husband God picked for me (more on that later, probably)...and I'm quitting my job to be a stay at home wife...and oh wow that new thing (Isaiah 43:19) that God whispered into my heart in January, its here...holy moly I prayed so hard for this for months--"Please God send me my husband"--but am I ready for this, please God don't let me screw this up, please make me worthy, maybe I should have been praying for Him to make me a good wife instead?...so I'm addicted to this blog on being an awesome wife, because this is the biggest responsibility/task He's given me yet...but I'm excited and overwhelmed and overjoyed because God is so flipping good to me, the way He responds and loves and answers the desires of my heart....and I'm floored and made speechless by the way that Joshua (Yahweh is salvation), of course is this unbelievable example of Christ-likeness in the way he loves me the way Jesus loves His church...so I pinch myself on a daily basis to make sure I'm not dreaming, but no, I'm doing laundry and vacuuming and changing dirty diapers at work so I couldn't possibly be dreaming...

It's all so new and surreal and amazing, and thanks for letting me ramble it out to you <3

October 4, 2012

I have a boyfriend. Like, whoa oh my goodness that never happens. But not just any boyfriend...a real manofGodcourtingmewiththeintenttomarry boyfriend.

That brings roses to my job...

And tells me that he loves me, and wants to win my heart, and wants to lead me spiritually, and believes sex is for marriage, and doesn't believe in forever long courtships, and wants to love me like Christ....already DOES love me like that....

I am in awe of how stupendously amazing it is to be drawn into a mountaintop experience with God by the actions of another human being. I always wondered what it would be like...whether or not I would have to divide my heart as women I know have indicated...and the answer is NO!!!!! The answer is that the man that God has selected for you will create an even deeper love, passion, and intimacy in your relationship with God. I am blown away by His provision and the way He always answers the desires of my heart with a greater gift than I could ever imagine.

As I was praying last night, just pouring out my gratitude and surrender, he shared with me that this is the man I'm going to marry. So when he asks me, I'm going to say yes. 

So much love...

Lost and Found

3 weeks of searching and I found a church. Hallelujah, God is good. I've been floundering, feeling lost without the comfort of my amazing church family in Pensacola. I am firmly convinced that the people of Liberty will NEVER be replaced. That does not, however, mean that I am impervious to the need for the Body surrounding me, covering me, and keeping me accountable.

I should be joyful, victorious, celebratory...and I am...

But...

I still don't know where to go, and what to do next...

I love my family, but I can't stay here forever, and admittedly, they drive me crazy at times. The rest and ease financially is amazing, and part of me wants to curl up and take the easy road, while the rest of me longs to break free and LEAVE...again.

The pastor at my new church was extremely excited about meeting me today, wants to get me plugged in, leading worship, part of their team. I am grateful, but that means staying in east Texas...not exactly on my bucket list.

The World Race....11 countries in 11 months....massive missions work traveling the world...$15,500 in fundraising, leaving everything behind, pausing my seminary degree....this is a consideration. The things of this world are losing their hold in my heart, and I want to travel and serve others. Is now the time? Or is the opportunity simply exciting?

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Admittedly, the absence of a church family has taken its toll on me the last several weeks. Maybe I'm complaining, and maybe I'm confused, and maybe I should stop, because this is a season of rest....and I guess I just don't know how to sit, and be still, and WAIT...

Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart (Psalm 27:14)

In the Quiet

It's been awhile since I've posted anything, and it's because of the adjustments of moving. I never expected that I would have to give up the life I loved to move back home. When I left, I thought this life was dead. Apparently God wants to breathe life into it. In the past couple of weeks, a few learning experiences have been illuminated. I apologize if it seems somewhat scattered...

You are the light of the world (Matthew 5:14) - I am constantly surrounded by people that could be considered "unchurched." What a different world from the one where 99.9% of my friends were from my church. From my job to my family to my old friends, most of the people in my life are uncommitted believers. I am faced with the challenge of constantly making sure that I am exhibiting Kingdom principles, that my life is one that is above reproach, that in word, deed, and thought I am representing what Christ has healed and transformed in my own life. Going forth starts with going home in my case.

Be submissive to one another (1 Peter 5:5) - This is manifesting itself in the commandment to "Honor thy mother and father." I've been living my life the past couple of years under the teaching to be prepared to hate my parents to follow Christ (Luke 14:26). For that season, I needed to be independent and separated to immerse myself in what God had planned for me. This is a season of learning to submit to authority. I find myself subjected to the opinions of other's...opinions that I could ignore from halfway across the country. I repeat James 1:19 to myself: swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath...with an emphasis on the second part. Learning to respect the God-given authority when I do not agree is an exercise in self-control. But I am grateful for the lesson.

A servant is not greater than his master (John 13:16) - I have been serving the church for the last year, but service has taken on a greater meaning in my life. I'm not great at this, but I keep considering all the tasks I do, and I am trying to approach them as acts of service done in love for other people. It's no secret that I despise housekeeping, but I am reminding myself to consider every chore an act of service for someone else. It's a work in progress, but I find myself drawn more and more to the thought of greater service...missions.

Be still, and know that I am God (Psalm 46:10) - I read another blog today and read her thoughts on the still, quiet season. I am there. In the loss of worship that I loved so much, I find that there is a deafening silence. So now there is nothing: no worship team, no church family, no small groups. There is only my Bible, iPad, and prayer. I have been stripped to the elemental truth of the Gospel...left alone to hold tightly to my relationship with God...adrift in an unknown, yet too familiar environment. I am guilty of depending on the religious trappings to fill in the gaps of my own spiritual walk....it is all me, and all God. Sometimes there is fear of being weakened by this isolation, but then I dig in. There is no spiritual high, just a rest. Be still....

This is enough for now. I will try to be more faithful in blogging. I leave you with a song that has been speaking to me in the void; one of the last songs I worshiped to with the church I miss so much:

Letting Go

This is such an interesting experience...and when I use the word interesting, I mean INTERESTING. The range of emotions is weird, and different than I expected it to be. It has to do with people. There are some that I expected to miss that I do not. There are others than I almost forgot about, but now will not. Responses have been positive. There are some that I know I will never see again.

I came, I built relationships, some will last, but others will not. I will go, build relationships, some will flourish, some will not. It's the nature of life, this whole goodbye. There is something in me that is not built to say put...a restlessness that makes me want to be always moving. So now I go to Texas, but in the future, who knows?

I've got my directions from God, so that is what I'm going to do. Today, however, I finish letting go of this dream, the one I created for myself, the one I let capture my heart.

Goodbye Pensacola

Reading Test

"There is a voice in my head telling me to go home...to Texas...after the summer, when I've done the things I've committed to do, the things I need to do, telling me to go home. I'm homesick in a way I've never experienced. I don't know what's coming, or what's happening. I don't know why I'm confused, sick, tired, spiritually drained. All I want is more of God, and all I seem to be experiencing is more confusion. I miss my mom, I miss my family, and in the nearly 2 years that I've been here, I've never felt that way."

4 days ago, when I wrote that, I could not have foreseen the events that would come. The events that would demolish everything I thought and had planned. This is not official public knowledge as of 10pm Tuesday evening, but it's fairly well known.

I'm going home.

I have been a confused mess for 48 hours trying to decide where my life was meant to go next. I've cried, I've prayed, I've sought God, and after much deliberation and overwhelming emotions, I feel at peace with moving back to Texas. This was not how I wanted to do things, and as a matter of humor, I had said I was never going back to Texas...silly me for trying to limit my awesome, powerful God.

Although logically this does not make a lot of sense, God is yanking me back there for some unknown. This is not the easy choice...as a matter of fact, it's the hard road. It's got a wilderness feel to it, but that's ok! Not perhaps in the wandering for 40 years part, but in the blind faith required to believe that God has something there for me that is mind-blowing.

Because I'm human and obviously fallible, I laid down a couple fleece like Gideon, and also got an unexpected confirmation this evening. I let some of my family in on this fact today, but in the process, one of my parents informed me that he'd had a dream that I was moving home. I cried...again.

The things I'm going to miss about this place are too numerable to describe, and there is a huge part of me that wants to stay.

God knows better than I...He has planned every moment of my life, and knows what He is doing...even when I do not.

What Is Going On?

It's been an interesting day. Interesting week, interesting life right now, to be honest.

I do not know what is happening.

I keep waking up, plugging in, pushing forward, and I have absolutely no idea what in the world I'm supposed to be doing. *This is going to be a mess* I said goodbye to a friend tonight, and I have a jumble of thoughts in my head. There was a sadness in me when I realized I will most likely never see this person again this side of heaven. I am so grateful that God maneuvered a chance to see him before he left, because that's exactly what it was. After I said my goodbye, I almost ran out the door for one last hug as I realized the truth that I'll never see him again. But I chose to sit silently and ponder a few things. My head mulled over recent events, my heart, what I want, and what I don't want. As I headed home from a great night with friends, the ever present screaming madness of my personal trial made itself known. In an effort to push it to the back (because it confuses me), I started thinking about the summer ahead. Several people that mean a lot to me are going to be leaving, and tonight was just the first of many goodbyes to come. Despite all the things I could say, I only have one question to ponder...

When the summer is over, and they are gone, will I want to be here in Florida?

There is a voice in my head telling me to go home...to Texas...after the summer, when I've done the things I've committed to do, the things I need to do, telling me to go home. I'm homesick in a way I've never experienced. I don't know what's coming, or what's happening. I don't know why I'm confused, sick, tired, spiritually drained. All I want is more of God, and all I seem to be experiencing is more confusion. I miss my mom, I miss my family, and in the nearly 2 years that I've been here, I've never felt that way.

I'm emotional, it's been a long week, interesting day, and, as always, I need sleep. God will answer my prayers, lead me in the right path, and calm my confusion. But I just needed to get that all out in the meantime.

The Last Vestige of Hurt

I can't believe I'm blogging about this again...sitting here wondering if I really want to publish what I'm thinking...then here comes the fear, the thoughts that no one cares about my failures...I don't even care most of the time, but it sure makes for a great message on purity, redemption, restoration...AHA, I won't share it on social media outlets, and only the faithful will read...

Time is running out on the guillotine that hangs over my heart. I saw it on Facebook, and of course it must be official...he is leaving soon. It causes me to think about the last six months...the next six months. I began this self-imposed sabbatical from dating/relationships because I was tired of all the energy consumed. In retrospect, I think I needed these months for self-reflection, healing, and rest.

To pretend like it still doesn't hurt to see him every single week and remember all the pain is a lie. I push through, pray for peace, renewed forgiveness, compassion, wisdom, and all kinds of other things. For the longest time I've been saying that I wished he would hurry up and leave, but for the last month, I've actually believed it. I'm ready for this chapter of my life to be completed ended, completely closed. I'm ready to not be reminded of this mess every weekend. I'm ready to not care about his spirituality.

I'm ready to forget that he...I'm just ready to forget.

When we experience the loss of something, there must be a period of mourning. There is something about being bluntly reminded of it on a regular basis that does things to the process. In the five emotion continuum of denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance we get stuck somewhere between anger and acceptance. It took me a really long time to discover why I still get so mad every single time I see him. It led me to question my forgiveness for the whole entire situation. Then awareness came over me, and I read an article that spoke of the difference between forgiving the person, and forgiving the debt owed.

I am still working on that last part. I am still trying to figure out why any of it matters in the least. In the meantime, I wait hopefully for the day he leaves, knowing it will probably be emotionally traumatic, and at the same time, spiritually liberating. The healing process gets arrested every 7 days or so, and my friends wonder why I even bring it up, but there is something that makes me feel like I'm being taunted. As if I'm trapped in a nightmare that just keeps repeating itself.

He was never who I thought he was. But I'm still the same person who gives too much of herself away, then has trouble collecting all the pieces once they've been shattered on the ground. The time I've had, and the time I have left, are comforting, knowing that my heart rests firmly in God's hands, where it should. Knowing that I'm not being asked to take a chance on anything that isn't completely REAL. Knowing what it is to be loved entirely for exactly who I am...exactly who I am not.

Knowing that I can give every bit of myself away to the greatest love of my life and not have it handed back to me broken.

This is the reminder, this is the promise, this is me, being really transparent and vulnerable...and painfully honest, as always. In closing, 3 Doors Down These Days with a few excerpts for emphasis:

I think I was better off before this all began
So clearly I can see lately that you don't know who I am
Everybody tried to tell me something that I never could believe
Staring back it seems so much different than it did in front of me

But I know there's no good in looking back on yesterday
And wondering what could have happened then
You think you can give me what I want, you say
I think I 'm better off alone, these days

It's Not Leprosy

There is a time in every woman's life that is confusing in so many ways. Which one, you might ask?

Being single.

Before you stop yourself and think Oh this is just one of those pathetic single girl ,why don't I have a boyfriend, poor me I'm so lonely rants, I challenge you to keep reading. This is SO NOT THAT.

Last night I went to a lovely women's fellowship evening at my church. Unlike the normal format, this particular monthly meeting featured a panel of five women discussing the challenges of daily life. While I would first like to say that I am blessed beyond measure by the women I meet that pour out their knowledge and experience, there was something that left me unsettled...

They were all married moms. Which leaves me with some very disturbing/haunting thoughts:

Are we promoting a culture that devalues singleness? Are we teaching women that marriage is the only key to fulfillment? Are we saying that a woman does not have a voice until she has a husband and a child?

Those things are damaging. I am reminded of some very famous words:

...the form of this world is passing away. But I want you to be without care...the unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world, how she may please her husband...she is happier if she remains as she is, according to my judgment and I think I also have the Spirit of God...

The great apostle Paul, in 1 Corinthians 7, speaks to us about the state of being single. Even Jesus promoted celibacy in Matthew 19:12.

Again, I must pause and clarify: I am not some man-hating woman that wants to be single forever. On the contrary, I'd truly like to be married one day. Kids, well, I'll leave that one up to God!

What I do not want, is to be subtly told that I'm less of a servant, less of a voice, less of a person in ministry, just because I don't have a husband.

Because what if I don't ever marry? What about all the women who will never have a husband or kids? Are they banned from being powerful because they lack a husband? I think that Paul's words should echo and resonate in our churches, in our faith, in our spirituality. Yes, marriage is a beautiful thing, the closest relationship on earth to the one we have with God. But it is not an end state that makes everything perfect.

I do not have to choose between God and my husband, my kids, the laundry, the dishes, reading the Bible, quiet time with Him, committing to fellowship. There is no daily struggle between the other members of my fleshly family and God's will in my life. I am completely free to serve Him exactly as He commands. And THAT, my friends, is really a beautiful thing.

Untitled

As I write this, I'm acutely aware that it may not get posted...that perhaps I'm not quite there. I don't even really know what to say...

It's 7:57 on April 7, the night before Easter. Hallelujah for the risen Lord!!!!!

Oh my goodness I just want to hide from people. It seems that every relationship, every conversation, every person that I know is somehow problematic to me. Not in an overt way even, just....ugh. I talked a short while ago having to run, and the translation I was given at the time was that I was entering a time of spiritual maturity.

Translation: rough season.

While I would absolutely love to run headlong into what God is leading me to do, be, whatever, the problem I find right now is that I am staring at a maze...I have no idea where to go. So I'm stopped, completely baffled at what is real, what is truth, what I can believe in. As far as other people go, anyways. I always know that my trust, my faith, my hope are in God. It's about the only thing I know at this point. And I'm frustrated and irritated and I have a million things still to do...

But I just needed to get that out...

All My Single Ladies

This is personal...

If you don't desire to read my dirty laundry, then just stop now. Although it will be somewhat watered down because I don't care enough to vent vehemently, I've still just had enough at this point.

I'm on MAN-BBATICAL.

Officially! In July I blogged about how I wanted to stay single to serve God, then in October I went on and on about how ready I am to get married and start a family. Can I have it BOTH ways???? 

My "ex's" have started to get nicknames (that aren't so nice), which just goes to show how completely fed up I am with the caliber of men in my life over the past couple of years. In response to this, I am done dating for a good long while. We shall call it an undetermined amount of time. On one hand, I'm tempted to say August 2013 (which is when I graduate from seminary)...let's be honest, my schedule doesn't really leave time for a relationship. On the other...I get bored easily. *sigh* It's the truth. 

I am done being an option.

I am done trying when the other person doesn't.

I am done opening up my heart to men who don't protect it.

I am done texting, calling, playing house.

I am done pretending it's something it's not.

I am done being unequally yoked.

I am done pouring out my feelings to my once best friend about how hurt I am only to go unanswered.

I am simply done...

My limit for BS (yup, went there) has been getting shorter and shorter in this area as I've gotten older. I want something very specific. It is made up of all the trite little comments about the kind of man Godly women should want: a spiritual leader, chasing after God, running beside me, pursuing me in holiness, treating me like the daughter of THE King. 

Like I said, it's personal, but I know a lot of fantastic women who deal with the same thing, and beautiful sisters in Christ, let me just tell you something....

IT'S NOT WORTH IT!!!!!!!

We already have the perfect example of love, and He'll give you everything you need. He will woo you passionately, completely, for all you are, and for all you are not. He will not disrespect you, He will never ignore your calls or texts, He will never ask for your body without protecting your soul, He will never treat you as anything other than you are...

So! I am going on a man-cation until my birthday, officially (maybe longer)...if you want to join in on the "only God" experience, I'll be happy to be an accountability person in your life!!!!

Remember how great it is to not have to share your affection and love with anyone other than God???

Here I Sit...

At Panera, surrounded by commentary on Job, my Bible, scarfed down Mac 'n Cheese, Dr Pepper beside me, empty coffee cup waiting to be filled nearby. A mere two weeks ago I mentioned some things that were happening in my world. This is somewhat of a continuation of those thoughts, but perhaps more in depth. Before I continue, I'd like you to read some words, and listen to a song:

I will exalt You, Lord...I will exalt You, Lord....There is no one like You God!!!!!

Tattoos and weddings do something to me. I realize that seems rather random, but perhaps I should explain where my mind is right now...all over the place...I'll  come back to that thought in a minute.

In my last post I mentioned the disconnect I felt from God. I'm pretty sure I wrote that on Thursday before worship practice, and although I had seen the songs all week, I somehow sensed that the set list was a little message from God to me. I needed it. Within our songs for the week are two of my favorites: Our God by Chris Tomlin, and Give Me Faith by Elevation. The second just resonates within me with the words I may be weak, but Your Spirit's strong in me, My flesh may fail, but My God YOU NEVER WILL....what an awesome promise this is. The other song is so important to me because the first time I went to church after the accident, it was playing. I desperately needed the words And if our God is for us, then who can ever stop us, and if our God is with us, then what can stand against? It echoes Psalm 27:1...The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?

What a lovely segue to tattoos and weddings....I have been planning for some time now to get that tattooed on my foot, and Thursday night, I did:

Something in me needed to be reminded, and my mind has been much clearer since Thursday. Still a little stressed, but so much of the anxiety about all the things in my life has definitely quieted down. I am reminded that God brought me to this place, and He will not leave me here! He's blessed me, and as long as I continue to do what I'm supposed to do for Him, He won't let me down!!! 

Oh, and the comment on weddings, it seems that when the man in my life doesn't invite me, it changes my attitude and perspective on a lot of things....there is so much more to be said on this particular topic right now, but the reality is that I'm kinda over it...I promise I'll explain further, but for now, I have a very important date with a man named Job.

Love and blessings <3

Being Wooed

He will quiet you with His love...Zephaniah 3:17

God's love....what is it???

I am fully aware that it manifests differently for each person based on their unique, personal relationship with God. For me, it's more like a romance...hear me out. A lot of people like to think of God as the Father, and I definitely do, but it's so much more! As a female especially, there is a part of God's love that is a sweet wooing. As a matter of fact, the word woo means to sue for the affection of and usually marriage with. He is absolutely seeking my affection, and we know that the church is the bride of Christ. Those two statements are easily fulfilled in His love!

I have heard it said many times that our earthly conception of fatherhood is not even close to applicable to God's true role as our father. I think that's very true. In a perfect world, with a Godly father who embodies everything that it should be, there would be a part in a woman's life where he courts his daughter to teach her about how the man in her life one day should and will treat her. For some of us that didn't have fathers like that, God comes in that place and makes it the sweetest love affair imaginable.

He wraps his overwhelming presence around me sometimes, like the most intimate embrace that flows like a warm current to every nerve ending. He gives me gifts that astound me and blow my mind with their absolute perfection and benefit. He answers my prayers as requests of the deepest places of my heart when I ask with childlike innocence and faith. He fights my battles, slays my dragons, and defends my honor. He pursues me with a steadfast and passionate love, and teaches me that this is how I should expect any man that wishes to be my husband to treat me.

He doesn't hurt my feelings, let me down, or make me cry. And while there are definitely physical aspects that He obviously does not fulfill....the love that He showers on me is breathtaking, romantic, and brilliant. He woos me like a devoted father to his daughter, showing her what she is worth. It's the greatest love story I will ever experience.

I'd rather be here with You, my King than anywhere else on earth...This pleasure with You is greater than anything this world can offer me...Forever and a Day (Bethel)

Peace Three

I ended the last portion with the phrase, "It's not fair..." Sometimes I use the poor me attitude, and Sunday was one of those moments. It's in the after, however, that the real peace came to me. I chose the titles for this story based on a play on sounds of the words piece and peace. The truth is that the experience of last year, the dysfunction of the relationship, the hurtful, destructive things that happened, left me shattered in pieces. As soon as I would put everything back together and let God start to heal, something else would break. It was exhausting. In the three months since I have put this behind me, peace has become something that is easy to experience, and I am healed and set free.

In the midst of all this emerged something that has taken me by surprise. I'm not exactly a people person, although I often do a good impression of it. I tend to prefer a few intensely intimate friendships to having a large amount of superficial ones. These people mean the world to me, and are there for good days and bad ones. I had a lot of bad days during all this, and although many people were there to hold me up, there is one that was always there when it fell apart most. It's funny, because I didn't realize it until recently.

Every time said person let me down, in big huge massive ways, this person was my rock, my shoulder to cry on (literally), and somewhat randomly just THERE. The experience I recounted was no exception, but the difference this time, was that this person was the only one that I wanted to be there for me. Quickly, and to the point, I realized one major truth about fairness and reality:

With the person I mentioned, I am happier, more fulfilled, and more intimately honest than I ever was in the past, or than the past is presently (most likely) with his new girlfriend. Just because they were holding hands and looking happy, does not mean that they have a relationship built on enduring, lasting love and affection...but I do!!!!! 

Maybe my situation is a little complicated and confusing, but I don't really care, because at the heart of this friendship is genuine friendship...something which is deserved and earned, and incredibly uplifting...something that he does not have. And so now I am able to simply shrug off the events of Sunday, pray that those two act righteously, and enjoy and embrace what I have, which is immensely better!!!!!

Peace One

I'm pushing into the unknown of a blank page at this very moment...certain that there is plenty to be said, but not particularly concerned about the literary grandeur of how I get there. This week has been one for the books. I have been glorious, sad, exhausted, angry, and stressed. You can easily click through the last couple of the posts to see that I was definitely confused about a lot of things earlier in the week, which were interspersed with some really amazing moments. My trials are always thus, simply because my God is loving and faithful, even in the hard moments.

I battled some intense spiritual warfare all week, the enemy playing on all his favorite weak spots. Inside my head, telling me lies, tripping me up, causing uncertainty, creating massive distractions from the things that God has called and positioned me to do. Pressing onward toward the goal of the prize (Phil 3:14), I have prayed intensely, lamented, wailed, and if I had some sackcloth, I'm sure I would have worn it. Working from no sleep, I began my Friday with resolve: coffee at 9:30pm and racing thoughts kept me in a cycle Thursday evening during which I listened to a LOT of Jesus Culture and got some serious prayer time. As I ran around haphazardly Friday doing too many errands on no sleep, I kept reminding myself that I could sleep in a few hours...which turned into another sleepless night.

After nearly 60 hours of no sleep, I finally got to rest my overly weary head, soul, and body. Before blissful unawareness came, however, I resolved all the issues that were coming at me, and found a place of peace, helped along significantly by someone who has come to mean a great deal to me. I'll come back to all this another time. As wonderful, fulfilling, gratifying, and joyful this particular relationship makes me, this is about someone who does NOT make me that way.

NEXT: Peace Two

Wounds of the Heart

I just want to start out by saying that I'm not entirely sure what I've gotten myself into. As usual, I am completely confused, and when in doubt, hibernate!!!!!! Or stay the course. Perhaps a little bit of both. 

A couple of months ago, I experienced a request from God in a prayer session. He wanted me to paint, and here is the result. The image is very specific, and I'm not great, but I think this is a proper time to unveil the message that was given to me that day. If this is supposed to represent my own heart, then it looks fairly healed, no major holes. What is hidden, however, is the painful one left over by events of the last year. I was told to let Jesus place His hand over that brokenness, that He was going to leave it there for awhile until it healed all the way through. No surface band-aids for this, the real deal...

Broken hearts affect me physically, and apparently some of my friends have the same symptoms: chest pains, racing pulse, nausea. Being single has its ups and downs...sometimes, I am thrilled and embracing what Paul espoused, and at others, I am absolutely ready to get married. What a conundrum this is. I hate this, to be honest. What, you may ask, is this?

This is getting hurt without really putting forth much effort. This is the complicated life of getting to know single men. This is confusion. This is being let down by someone you happen to be crazy about. 

I fully expected that if I did exactly what I was supposed to do, that there would be no aching heart days, because God would completely protect me, my heart, my emotions. And maybe I haven't been exactly perfect about following the He's Not That Into You directive of not putting forth any effort because that's the man's job. And maybe sometimes I give too much to people I care about, and get touched too deeply by the little things. And maybe I expect too much. What I didn't expect, however, was to feel the chest pains, and the anxiety, and the irritability. 

I didn't think it would matter, but now it does. I didn't realize that letting someone else IN would result in letting so much of myself OUT. I'm ready to completely shut down and run the other direction...to pack up my emotions, and maybe try again in a year or so...maybe build those massive walls back up. Nothing traumatic has happened, but I'm already over my head. 

My cocoon has never felt so good: the place where I can crawl into my one true love, the best relationship of my life, the greatest love story I will ever experience, my best friend God. Forget the rest right now, cause the rest are making me sad.

The Big Blue

 People often ask me, Why did you move to Pensacola? This is the answer:

That's me, October 2009, on my first trip to Pensacola. Perhaps I should give a little bit of background information. Diving was my thing, literally, it was the only thing. I fell in love with it about the same time my marriage fell apart. Fill the void, right? I was in super dive training mode after that. Diving is the most amazing experience on the planet, and I still feel that way to this day, but back then, it was still kinda new, and I was obsessed. I went from Open Water class, to Advanced, on my way to becoming a Divemaster. At this point in time, I had just finished Master Diver class (tons of physics and diving to 100ft in a cold, black lack in Arkansas), and four of my diving classmates and I had decided to take a little weekend trip to Pensacola to dive the famous Oriskany. It was my first time in the ocean, and it blew my mind. So I made up my mind that I was going to move to Florida...eventually. Fast-forward 10 months, and I decided to do it. Happy 30th birthday, welcome to my new life as a scuba bum...

Seriously....the plan was to move here, work to make just enough money to dive, and live the dream. That's me the week I moved here. Things did not go as planned...I made some costly mistakes, and put myself in a position that was really unhealthy. In order to fix it, I had to step away from this thing that I loved the most. I've been diving 7 times this year...I used to dive every single weekend. There have been times throughout the last year that I have been desperately sad that I'm not in the water. And oh how I've longed for that complete escape from reality that it always brings me. But this has not been a year of escaping from reality....far from it. It's been a year of learning to let go. That's the reality, pay attention...sometimes we have to release something that we love intensely, so that God can do something wonderful. 

And maybe I've learned how to find that nirvana outside of the water, in the random moments of life that God completely fills up. To take that freeing feeling of zero gravity (see picture above) and translate it to life. I began to wonder if I would ever be able to dive like that again. The most likely answer is NO, because I have too many other responsibilities. But I'm going to get close. The beauty of this attempt, is that it is for God's glory and purpose...not my own. 

There are only two populations in the world that get to regularly experience life without gravity. By the way, gravity is my favorite of all natural laws, but not something that can be contained within this particular post. Two populations: astronauts and scuba divers. What an amazing sensation! And there is nothing more awesome than floating along in the big blue with a 200lb sea turtle and barracuda hanging out next to you. And then they give you this look like..."what a weird fish!" There is a daunting variety of life hidden beneath the surface of water that not very many people get to see. And it's my passion. So now I get to share it with other people, which is what life is all about...relationships!

In January, our new small groups are kicking off at church. When I first moved from Blue Angel to the North campus, there was a diving group that popped up in announcements from time to time, but never really went anywhere. So God presents an opportunity to take the skills and knowledge He has given me, and use them for His benefit. I am a divemaster, which means that I'm educated and certified to lead other divers around (no small feat, let me tell you!). And I have contacts and information about the local dive industry. So, starting in February, this small group will be diving twice a month and having a fellowship dinner once a month. It's not just about diving with other believers, however, because I know a ton of divers that won't step foot in the doors of a church, so it's an excellent opportunity to reach people who maybe wouldn't otherwise be involved with God. 

So tell your friends, like the facebook page HERE, and watch for coming announcements and activities. I'm excited to get back in the water for the right reason! And just as a bonus, my favorite sea turtle of all time:

Back Where I Come From

So I went back to Texas last week for a family funeral. It was nice to see my family, take a break, reboot my brain. It makes me all the more appreciative of living in Florida, and of the life I chose.

This kiddo is amazing. And those are sunflower seeds. I taught him my habit. Well, it was hilarious, he tried to crack the shells, but really couldn't. Then he began to eat the whole thing! My mom asked me why I didn't crack them for him, but that would take forever! Maybe we'll try again next year haha.

Cooper is probably the love of my life...just sayin! 

Baby feet!!!!!

He became obsessed with collecting acorns. I don't know what the deal was, but he would gather a bunch, and then throw them. He's got an amazing arm for a 3 year old, and he's ambidextrous. He asked me to take a picture of these, so I made him get in the picture. Silly kid!

Play time with Pops!

The extent of my photography skills. I perched him in a tree and told him to hang on. I'm so glad he didn't fall out!

He spent an hour playing in the dirt. I thought I might add some water so he would have mud, but my mom vetoed the idea. He's a boy! 

Precious-ness.

The view from my parents' front porch.

A colorful Texas sunset.

My fellow genius, twin from another mother Paige. It was so good to see her and catch up. It's been so long!

This is my city, don't knock it til you've tried it. The triangle building in the back is my favorite, it looks way better close up.If I could relocate Dallas to the shore of Pensacola, I would never leave.