Time is running out on the guillotine that hangs over my heart. I saw it on Facebook, and of course it must be official...he is leaving soon. It causes me to think about the last six months...the next six months. I began this self-imposed sabbatical from dating/relationships because I was tired of all the energy consumed. In retrospect, I think I needed these months for self-reflection, healing, and rest.
To pretend like it still doesn't hurt to see him every single week and remember all the pain is a lie. I push through, pray for peace, renewed forgiveness, compassion, wisdom, and all kinds of other things. For the longest time I've been saying that I wished he would hurry up and leave, but for the last month, I've actually believed it. I'm ready for this chapter of my life to be completed ended, completely closed. I'm ready to not be reminded of this mess every weekend. I'm ready to not care about his spirituality.
I'm ready to forget that he...I'm just ready to forget.
When we experience the loss of something, there must be a period of mourning. There is something about being bluntly reminded of it on a regular basis that does things to the process. In the five emotion continuum of denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance we get stuck somewhere between anger and acceptance. It took me a really long time to discover why I still get so mad every single time I see him. It led me to question my forgiveness for the whole entire situation. Then awareness came over me, and I read an article that spoke of the difference between forgiving the person, and forgiving the debt owed.
I am still working on that last part. I am still trying to figure out why any of it matters in the least. In the meantime, I wait hopefully for the day he leaves, knowing it will probably be emotionally traumatic, and at the same time, spiritually liberating. The healing process gets arrested every 7 days or so, and my friends wonder why I even bring it up, but there is something that makes me feel like I'm being taunted. As if I'm trapped in a nightmare that just keeps repeating itself.
He was never who I thought he was. But I'm still the same person who gives too much of herself away, then has trouble collecting all the pieces once they've been shattered on the ground. The time I've had, and the time I have left, are comforting, knowing that my heart rests firmly in God's hands, where it should. Knowing that I'm not being asked to take a chance on anything that isn't completely REAL. Knowing what it is to be loved entirely for exactly who I am...exactly who I am not.
Knowing that I can give every bit of myself away to the greatest love of my life and not have it handed back to me broken.
This is the reminder, this is the promise, this is me, being really transparent and vulnerable...and painfully honest, as always. In closing, 3 Doors Down These Days with a few excerpts for emphasis:
I think I was better off before this all began
So clearly I can see lately that you don't know who I am
Everybody tried to tell me something that I never could believe
Staring back it seems so much different than it did in front of me
But I know there's no good in looking back on yesterday
And wondering what could have happened then
You think you can give me what I want, you say
I think I 'm better off alone, these days
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