Pardon me, I'm in a mood, and not sure what it is...forgive the stream of consciousness as it just flows. Life is amazing and awesome, but as I attended a Bible study last night for the first time in what seems like forever (8 months to be exact), I suddenly looked around and remembered...
FREEDOM
I've been living in a vacuum for a very long time....maybe it was the crazy dream in March, the barren wasteland of my heart in April, moving to Texas in May, the depression and mourning and silence and alone-ness of June and July, the quiet acceptance in August...and as I started to breathe again, to live again, to exist outside of just being this floating survivor of some awful shipwreck in the middle of my life....hanging on desperately to any little thing, uprooted from the life I loved, cast into this place where nothing was stable, and the only reality was a lifetime of disappointments and dysfunction staring me directly in the face...it was all I could do, most days, to just stand firm and be faithful and obedient....to be healthy and whole in the deafening silence of asking, and seeking, and knocking....as God has breathed a whole new unexpected and brilliant life into me over the last couple of months, the rough season of 2012 has made sense. And although I've started to come out of the wilderness, it's been cautiously and quietly.
But last night....for the first time in such a long time, my heart began to stir to do ministry. As I listened to some heartbreaking assumptions and opinions on marriage, and heard the bitterness in the voices of women, and the underlying prisons of their entrapment, the word that kept reverberating in my heart was...
FREEDOM
The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captive and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed (Luke 4:18).
I forgot...that freedom is the ultimate reward of life lived in Christ...that an unbelievable amount of Christians are still enslaved to those bonds....that freedom is only as good as we choose to make it, as we choose to keep it...that it's one of my fundamental messages of resurrection to others...that my life is full of freedom and redemption...that I long to share it...that I long to be what Jesus was in that verse....to be the catalyst that points to HIM to heal and set free....
I've sat here and wondered what had happened to my passion for ministry....and it hasn't been lost, only put back so that God could do some work in me, so that He could bring me to a new mountaintop experience, and teach me new things, and draw me closer, and give me a blessing greater than I imagined to take me into the next place...
And yeah, admittedly, I'm still pretty inwardly focused, because there are big changes going on, and new things coming that demand my full attention and commitment right now....but a new heart for ministry is also being birthed in me during this process, and it comes around full circle and goes right back to the core of what I believe encompasses full joy in Christ, and that is...
FREEDOM
Showing posts with label Ministry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ministry. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Sunday, September 2, 2012
The Voice of One
It's been an interesting week focused on being the mouth of God. I am convicted, and troubled, and unsure of even how to do what we are supposed to...
Speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15)...
Truth is easy, it's that love part mixed with truth that causes problems. People don't want to hear truth sometimes. It's too painful, too real, too raw....
On Wednesday I received a message that a troubled young man I knew had died of a drug overdose. I began to consider my own guilt and disobedience in the matter. This was a teenager caught in a destructive lifestyle that I spent some time around about a year ago. He expressed interest in coming to church with me, and on the one Sunday it was to happen, he didn't show. I began to get busy with other ministries, with believers, and quit taking time to talk with him. A couple months before I left, he contacted me wanting to get together...I never followed up. Now, I repeatedly warned him of the dangers of his recreational drug use. But you know what I never did...?
I never called him out for the expressly forbidden sins he was committing in other areas of his life. As I realized what had happened last week, I was overwhelmed with sadness. I began to track the time, and wonder if he was standing in judgment before God, if he already had, what had happened, what God had said, how he had responded.
Did I miss the opportunity to be the voice that spoke truth in his life?
I was afraid to offend...afraid to bruise feelings...afraid to alienate someone. The reality is that alienation from myself is of no concern, when he had chosen to alienate himself from the source of all life.
I failed...
I am absolutely positive that on the day that I stand before God, I will have to answer questions about why...
And I realize that my singular voice was one of many warning him of the realities of his decisions. The loss of a 20 year old with a lot of amazing qualities is a tragedy regardless of anything else. I am saddened that the evils of the world have taken another young life. I am burdened at the hanging question of his spiritual state...something which I could have addressed. This is a regret that I will not forget.
I had another chance this week to be obedient in speaking truth. Second chance to speak conviction over a church for being "stiff-necked" and "lukewarm"....yeah, God told me to say those things. I don't know about you, but I really don't want to say things that are offensive! I want people to LIKE me....but loving God is much more important than liking me. So I prayed, got nauseated, and spoke the truth....
Perhaps it falls on deaf ears, but I am left this week considering our responsibility to other people. I have often said that truth is not the fun policy, but it is the best policy. I hate lies and untruths of any form, and yet when it comes to reacting this way in Christian relationships, I tend to shy away from the burden of saying the hard things. It is easy when it comes from me...but how do I tell someone they are wrong based on what "God said"...? It is this fear that keeps us from giving people the opportunity to reject God.
And never question the fact that the GOSPEL IS OFFENSIVE. People have to be presented with the truth, and given the option to reject everything about it. Not a watered down, culturally friendly, socially forgiving Gospel...but the real Gospel, that demands qadosh....holiness...set apartness....
I beg you to take away from my stories this week a reality that does not go away. Sometimes we have to say things to other people that they are not going to like. Sometimes they are not only going to reject God, but reject us....
He who hears you hears Me, he who rejects you rejects Me, and he who rejects Me rejects Him who sent Me (Luke 10:16)....
If someone doesn't want to hear from Jesus, then they most certainly are not going to want to hear from you....but when God is calling us to be obedient to speak the truth, we must set our own feelings aside, learn to love the person, and speak the truth He has called us to speak...it is not an easy task, and probably one of the hardest we face as a believer. But it is worth the momentary discomfort in a relationship to avoid the question I am asking right now about a lost young man....
Could the truth I avoided speaking have made a difference in his eternity?
Speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15)...
Truth is easy, it's that love part mixed with truth that causes problems. People don't want to hear truth sometimes. It's too painful, too real, too raw....
On Wednesday I received a message that a troubled young man I knew had died of a drug overdose. I began to consider my own guilt and disobedience in the matter. This was a teenager caught in a destructive lifestyle that I spent some time around about a year ago. He expressed interest in coming to church with me, and on the one Sunday it was to happen, he didn't show. I began to get busy with other ministries, with believers, and quit taking time to talk with him. A couple months before I left, he contacted me wanting to get together...I never followed up. Now, I repeatedly warned him of the dangers of his recreational drug use. But you know what I never did...?
I never called him out for the expressly forbidden sins he was committing in other areas of his life. As I realized what had happened last week, I was overwhelmed with sadness. I began to track the time, and wonder if he was standing in judgment before God, if he already had, what had happened, what God had said, how he had responded.
Did I miss the opportunity to be the voice that spoke truth in his life?
I was afraid to offend...afraid to bruise feelings...afraid to alienate someone. The reality is that alienation from myself is of no concern, when he had chosen to alienate himself from the source of all life.
I failed...
I am absolutely positive that on the day that I stand before God, I will have to answer questions about why...
And I realize that my singular voice was one of many warning him of the realities of his decisions. The loss of a 20 year old with a lot of amazing qualities is a tragedy regardless of anything else. I am saddened that the evils of the world have taken another young life. I am burdened at the hanging question of his spiritual state...something which I could have addressed. This is a regret that I will not forget.
I had another chance this week to be obedient in speaking truth. Second chance to speak conviction over a church for being "stiff-necked" and "lukewarm"....yeah, God told me to say those things. I don't know about you, but I really don't want to say things that are offensive! I want people to LIKE me....but loving God is much more important than liking me. So I prayed, got nauseated, and spoke the truth....
Perhaps it falls on deaf ears, but I am left this week considering our responsibility to other people. I have often said that truth is not the fun policy, but it is the best policy. I hate lies and untruths of any form, and yet when it comes to reacting this way in Christian relationships, I tend to shy away from the burden of saying the hard things. It is easy when it comes from me...but how do I tell someone they are wrong based on what "God said"...? It is this fear that keeps us from giving people the opportunity to reject God.
And never question the fact that the GOSPEL IS OFFENSIVE. People have to be presented with the truth, and given the option to reject everything about it. Not a watered down, culturally friendly, socially forgiving Gospel...but the real Gospel, that demands qadosh....holiness...set apartness....
I beg you to take away from my stories this week a reality that does not go away. Sometimes we have to say things to other people that they are not going to like. Sometimes they are not only going to reject God, but reject us....
He who hears you hears Me, he who rejects you rejects Me, and he who rejects Me rejects Him who sent Me (Luke 10:16)....
If someone doesn't want to hear from Jesus, then they most certainly are not going to want to hear from you....but when God is calling us to be obedient to speak the truth, we must set our own feelings aside, learn to love the person, and speak the truth He has called us to speak...it is not an easy task, and probably one of the hardest we face as a believer. But it is worth the momentary discomfort in a relationship to avoid the question I am asking right now about a lost young man....
Could the truth I avoided speaking have made a difference in his eternity?
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Preferential Worship
Father forgive me my arrogance...
I thought I knew what worship meant. I have prided myself on understanding what it means to soak in His presence...I have reveled in the fact that I am good at demonstrating abandonment....I have selfishly chosen songs that move me.
I have been very, very wrong.
As mentioned in a previous post, I am newly in charge of worship for a church replant. To make a long story short, it's an older church that has pretty much died. They have brought in a new pastor to birth a new legacy for this church, and man is his vision awesome! Along those lines, I have tried to blend traditional and contemporary worship. I have tried to be open with the feedback, sensitive to the congregation, flexible with my worship plan, song arrangement, vocal style, and even vision...which ended up causing a very troubling day for me. In trying to make everyone else happy, I lost sight of the purpose.
Oops.
I left practice feeling frustrated, troubled, burdened, and confused. Not overwhelmed, thank goodness....just wrong. It's no longer about picking songs. This is about so much more than that.
I came home and sought answers in the one place where they are always found: His Word. As I thumbed through Ephesians where I have been all week, I found the answer...
Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord, giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another in the fear of God (Ephesians 5:17-21).
The Israelites did not worship God based on their preferences, but on clearly defined expectations that He commanded in the law. Just as they find their design in the OT, so can we find design in the New.
To me: do not be foolish, and seek the will of God.
To the congregation: open our hearts to the movement of the Spirit, which is compared to a state of drunkenness.
To the team: psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs....regarding ALL THINGS HIM.
To the church: submit to one another.
As always, He has humbled me with His greatness. I have been reminded that the true purpose of worship is simply worshipping God. It's not about any of us, myself included. We must throw out our preconceived notions of what worship is supposed to look like. It doesn't have to be traditional, and it doesn't have to be contemporary. It doesn't have to include a killer band, or awesome lights, or a sick sound system (although those things are super cool). He doesn't need to hear 3 harmonies on a hundred year old hymn or my vocal rendition of Hillsong. He needs us to be honest, to listen, to respond, to remove ourselves from the process. We must ask ourselves a singular question:
What has HE done?
All that we are, all that we do, all that we have stems from that one reality. The answers to the question are infinite. Therefore, our worship must be geared towards one specific truth:
Who HE is.
Our worship should be filled with adoration, exaltation, passion ,submission, devotion, and celebration directed at our perfect triune God.
No worship leader is immune from pride, a fact that I have always known. Our lesson as musicians comes from the original worship leader of heaven, and his own eternally costly mistake of idolatry of self. I am awed and inspired at the way I was very gently reminded of this today. Correction came swiftly and specifically, and the reward for my repentance was the gift of a new vision.
I would like to challenge the non-musicians with a thought...as we sit in the audience and observe the ritual of worship, is the idol of preference distorting the true goal? As we sit and perform our amateur critique of the vocals, song selection, arrangement, lighting, etc...are we really concerned about what God thinks? Or is it just what WE think?
I thought I knew what worship meant. I have prided myself on understanding what it means to soak in His presence...I have reveled in the fact that I am good at demonstrating abandonment....I have selfishly chosen songs that move me.
I have been very, very wrong.
As mentioned in a previous post, I am newly in charge of worship for a church replant. To make a long story short, it's an older church that has pretty much died. They have brought in a new pastor to birth a new legacy for this church, and man is his vision awesome! Along those lines, I have tried to blend traditional and contemporary worship. I have tried to be open with the feedback, sensitive to the congregation, flexible with my worship plan, song arrangement, vocal style, and even vision...which ended up causing a very troubling day for me. In trying to make everyone else happy, I lost sight of the purpose.
Oops.
I left practice feeling frustrated, troubled, burdened, and confused. Not overwhelmed, thank goodness....just wrong. It's no longer about picking songs. This is about so much more than that.
I came home and sought answers in the one place where they are always found: His Word. As I thumbed through Ephesians where I have been all week, I found the answer...
Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord, giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another in the fear of God (Ephesians 5:17-21).
The Israelites did not worship God based on their preferences, but on clearly defined expectations that He commanded in the law. Just as they find their design in the OT, so can we find design in the New.
To me: do not be foolish, and seek the will of God.
To the congregation: open our hearts to the movement of the Spirit, which is compared to a state of drunkenness.
To the team: psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs....regarding ALL THINGS HIM.
To the church: submit to one another.
As always, He has humbled me with His greatness. I have been reminded that the true purpose of worship is simply worshipping God. It's not about any of us, myself included. We must throw out our preconceived notions of what worship is supposed to look like. It doesn't have to be traditional, and it doesn't have to be contemporary. It doesn't have to include a killer band, or awesome lights, or a sick sound system (although those things are super cool). He doesn't need to hear 3 harmonies on a hundred year old hymn or my vocal rendition of Hillsong. He needs us to be honest, to listen, to respond, to remove ourselves from the process. We must ask ourselves a singular question:
What has HE done?
All that we are, all that we do, all that we have stems from that one reality. The answers to the question are infinite. Therefore, our worship must be geared towards one specific truth:
Who HE is.
Our worship should be filled with adoration, exaltation, passion ,submission, devotion, and celebration directed at our perfect triune God.
No worship leader is immune from pride, a fact that I have always known. Our lesson as musicians comes from the original worship leader of heaven, and his own eternally costly mistake of idolatry of self. I am awed and inspired at the way I was very gently reminded of this today. Correction came swiftly and specifically, and the reward for my repentance was the gift of a new vision.
I would like to challenge the non-musicians with a thought...as we sit in the audience and observe the ritual of worship, is the idol of preference distorting the true goal? As we sit and perform our amateur critique of the vocals, song selection, arrangement, lighting, etc...are we really concerned about what God thinks? Or is it just what WE think?
Monday, August 20, 2012
Walk Away
One of my many favorite stories of the Old Testament is found in Genesis 22. Take now your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you (v. 2). This was the son of PROMISE..the son given to Abraham and Sarah in old (really old) age...the son that was to be the birth of a nation...that son that Abraham loved.
So Abraham gathers up his son Isaac, takes him up the mountain, proceeds to prepare the offering, answers poor Issac's questions about the missing animal, then raises his knife to slaughter his own beloved son.
Many of us, when considering this story, find it impossible to comprehend. In applying it to situations other than parenthood, it is still a difficult task to surrender something that God has graciously given us. We often tend to think that it is ours to hold, when the reality is that without God's provision, it would not be ours to begin with.
Do not lay your hand on the lad, or do anything to him; for now I know that you fear God, since you have not withheld your son, your only son, from Me (v. 12).
The first commandment given to us, and reiterated in the NT, is to love God above all else...other people and other things. Sometimes even the things that God has given us to serve Him can become idols.
I say all this as I share some news. I love worship; anyone who knows me even a little knows this much. The most difficult part of leaving Florida was leaving the worship team. I still knew the promise, but at that particular moment in time, I had to sacrifice it because God asked...to go to a place with no promise, no opportunity, no worship team.
Yesterday I took a position as a worship leader for a church replant.
If I had not painfully sacrificed that thing that I loved that brought me so much joy, I would not have received this amazing blessing. Always remember that the test of release is not about God ruining our dreams, or changing His mind, or breaking His promise. Sometimes the promise becomes so fixed in our minds that it overshadows the one thing meant to receive glory....God.
He loves to make much of Himself, so if He's asking you to walk away from a dream He gave you...ask yourself if maybe the dream has become more important that God himself. We are always nothing without being fully surrendered to Him. Far and above promises and dreams, He longs to be the only person that we truly cannot live without.
So Abraham gathers up his son Isaac, takes him up the mountain, proceeds to prepare the offering, answers poor Issac's questions about the missing animal, then raises his knife to slaughter his own beloved son.
Many of us, when considering this story, find it impossible to comprehend. In applying it to situations other than parenthood, it is still a difficult task to surrender something that God has graciously given us. We often tend to think that it is ours to hold, when the reality is that without God's provision, it would not be ours to begin with.
Do not lay your hand on the lad, or do anything to him; for now I know that you fear God, since you have not withheld your son, your only son, from Me (v. 12).
The first commandment given to us, and reiterated in the NT, is to love God above all else...other people and other things. Sometimes even the things that God has given us to serve Him can become idols.
I say all this as I share some news. I love worship; anyone who knows me even a little knows this much. The most difficult part of leaving Florida was leaving the worship team. I still knew the promise, but at that particular moment in time, I had to sacrifice it because God asked...to go to a place with no promise, no opportunity, no worship team.
Yesterday I took a position as a worship leader for a church replant.
If I had not painfully sacrificed that thing that I loved that brought me so much joy, I would not have received this amazing blessing. Always remember that the test of release is not about God ruining our dreams, or changing His mind, or breaking His promise. Sometimes the promise becomes so fixed in our minds that it overshadows the one thing meant to receive glory....God.
He loves to make much of Himself, so if He's asking you to walk away from a dream He gave you...ask yourself if maybe the dream has become more important that God himself. We are always nothing without being fully surrendered to Him. Far and above promises and dreams, He longs to be the only person that we truly cannot live without.
Friday, April 27, 2012
It's Not Leprosy
There is a time in every woman's life that is confusing in so many ways. Which one, you might ask?
Being single.
Before you stop yourself and think Oh this is just one of those pathetic single girl ,why don't I have a boyfriend, poor me I'm so lonely rants, I challenge you to keep reading. This is SO NOT THAT.
Last night I went to a lovely women's fellowship evening at my church. Unlike the normal format, this particular monthly meeting featured a panel of five women discussing the challenges of daily life. While I would first like to say that I am blessed beyond measure by the women I meet that pour out their knowledge and experience, there was something that left me unsettled...
They were all married moms. Which leaves me with some very disturbing/haunting thoughts:
Are we promoting a culture that devalues singleness? Are we teaching women that marriage is the only key to fulfillment? Are we saying that a woman does not have a voice until she has a husband and a child?
Those things are damaging. I am reminded of some very famous words:
...the form of this world is passing away. But I want you to be without care...the unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world, how she may please her husband...she is happier if she remains as she is, according to my judgment and I think I also have the Spirit of God...
The great apostle Paul, in 1 Corinthians 7, speaks to us about the state of being single. Even Jesus promoted celibacy in Matthew 19:12.
Again, I must pause and clarify: I am not some man-hating woman that wants to be single forever. On the contrary, I'd truly like to be married one day. Kids, well, I'll leave that one up to God!
What I do not want, is to be subtly told that I'm less of a servant, less of a voice, less of a person in ministry, just because I don't have a husband.
Because what if I don't ever marry? What about all the women who will never have a husband or kids? Are they banned from being powerful because they lack a husband? I think that Paul's words should echo and resonate in our churches, in our faith, in our spirituality. Yes, marriage is a beautiful thing, the closest relationship on earth to the one we have with God. But it is not an end state that makes everything perfect.
I do not have to choose between God and my husband, my kids, the laundry, the dishes, reading the Bible, quiet time with Him, committing to fellowship. There is no daily struggle between the other members of my fleshly family and God's will in my life. I am completely free to serve Him exactly as He commands. And THAT, my friends, is really a beautiful thing.
Being single.
Before you stop yourself and think Oh this is just one of those pathetic single girl ,why don't I have a boyfriend, poor me I'm so lonely rants, I challenge you to keep reading. This is SO NOT THAT.
Last night I went to a lovely women's fellowship evening at my church. Unlike the normal format, this particular monthly meeting featured a panel of five women discussing the challenges of daily life. While I would first like to say that I am blessed beyond measure by the women I meet that pour out their knowledge and experience, there was something that left me unsettled...
They were all married moms. Which leaves me with some very disturbing/haunting thoughts:
Are we promoting a culture that devalues singleness? Are we teaching women that marriage is the only key to fulfillment? Are we saying that a woman does not have a voice until she has a husband and a child?
Those things are damaging. I am reminded of some very famous words:
...the form of this world is passing away. But I want you to be without care...the unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world, how she may please her husband...she is happier if she remains as she is, according to my judgment and I think I also have the Spirit of God...
The great apostle Paul, in 1 Corinthians 7, speaks to us about the state of being single. Even Jesus promoted celibacy in Matthew 19:12.
Again, I must pause and clarify: I am not some man-hating woman that wants to be single forever. On the contrary, I'd truly like to be married one day. Kids, well, I'll leave that one up to God!
What I do not want, is to be subtly told that I'm less of a servant, less of a voice, less of a person in ministry, just because I don't have a husband.
Because what if I don't ever marry? What about all the women who will never have a husband or kids? Are they banned from being powerful because they lack a husband? I think that Paul's words should echo and resonate in our churches, in our faith, in our spirituality. Yes, marriage is a beautiful thing, the closest relationship on earth to the one we have with God. But it is not an end state that makes everything perfect.
I do not have to choose between God and my husband, my kids, the laundry, the dishes, reading the Bible, quiet time with Him, committing to fellowship. There is no daily struggle between the other members of my fleshly family and God's will in my life. I am completely free to serve Him exactly as He commands. And THAT, my friends, is really a beautiful thing.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Priorities
Oh it's that time again folks. Week 6, welcome to the insanity. This time around I have added busy-ness in my life to increase the stress level. I suppose I will just run down the list in a boring fashion with nuggets of thought interspersed.
Research papers - As usual, I have 2 research papers to write in the next 3 weeks, with other exams and essays and reading to do, of course. After finishing the paper on hell that has been plaguing me for the last week, I'm now turning my attention to the following topics: Job 38-42 and God's Response, and the Spiritual Gift of Tongues. It's time to buckle down and say goodbye to my social life.
Social life - Speaking of said social life, hmmm, yeah, something worth noting...I had a small disagreement with the person I've been sorta dating. Since that happened 4 days ago, he has been gone on a weekend trip, and I feel like I've been forgotten. In the process of these last couple of days, I've reintegrated myself into my normal single life, and had a realization that could be painfully misconstrued. I have come to realize that with this particular man, I would turn myself inside out. I am different around him, and not in a bad way, or in any way that is somehow less, just different. I have a friend that talks to me about splitting your heart between God and your husband once you're married, and I can see somewhat what she's talking about. For whatever reason, this man makes me want to do crazy, insane things...the concept of what I would sacrifice for him is exhausting. Which is terrifying for me, because I like my single life with God just fine thanks!!!!! So I'm sitting in this place right now where I'm torn....between wanting to just crawl into God and forget dating anyone, because I value this relationship too much, or giving myself over to the design He created.
New job - Overwhelming stress in this particular area. I mentioned a few days ago that I had been offered a new job, and that I had turned in my notice at my current job. What I didn't mention, are the anxieties plaguing me about this new chapter in my life. I currently work part time at a daycare in the afternoons, and I float around filling in wherever I am needed, and doing chores. I received an offer last week for a full time position (6:30-2:30) leading a 2 year old class at a Christian daycare. I am beyond ecstatic, and at the same time, completely freaking out. I'm not ready to be responsible for my own class, I've only been doing this for 3 months, and as an assistant! How am I supposed to integrate a full-time job into my already packed schedule? What in the world am I doing? I have no idea how to do this! These are my thoughts and fears on an hourly basis as I consider what is coming in 2 very short weeks. I have completely stepped out in faith on this, because I am painfully aware that I am not equipped for this. But I did not seek out this job, it came to me, and I trust God completely, even though I am scared out of my mind. SCARED...OUT...OF...MY...MIND.
Ministry - I participate in several different things that I consider to be personal ministry opportunities. I lead small groups, participate in prayer and other small groups, play on the worship team. These things are all great, but I'm starting to feel spread thin, and I'm getting the sense that it's time to focus and down-size. I stepped down from nursery a month ago, and while I miss the babies so much, I know that God is bringing me to a very specific place. He has called me to worship, and that is where my heart lies. On a really brilliant, awesome, positive note, I have begun singing also, and for the first time ever this weekend, I reached a place where the technicality of the music fled from my mind and it was all about that moment of loving God. It was stunning, and I'm hoping to get even more comfortable with that place as He continues to do this awesome work in me. This week is spectacular, because I have two more opportunities to participate in worship with events at church. I'm even leading a song tomorrow night, and while I'm nervous, I'm also excited to get out of the way and let God do His thing. With this, however, comes the reality that I am not superwoman, and that it's time to let go of some other things. I am saddened by this, but over the next several months, I feel that I need to transition out of leading in other areas and put my energy, time, and abilities into this role that God has prepared me to assume for my entire life. Seriously, more on that to come.
So this is today, and I'm sick and not in the best of moods, but I'm just gonna pray and get on with the business of this amazing, beautiful, messy life that God has blessed me with!
Research papers - As usual, I have 2 research papers to write in the next 3 weeks, with other exams and essays and reading to do, of course. After finishing the paper on hell that has been plaguing me for the last week, I'm now turning my attention to the following topics: Job 38-42 and God's Response, and the Spiritual Gift of Tongues. It's time to buckle down and say goodbye to my social life.
Social life - Speaking of said social life, hmmm, yeah, something worth noting...I had a small disagreement with the person I've been sorta dating. Since that happened 4 days ago, he has been gone on a weekend trip, and I feel like I've been forgotten. In the process of these last couple of days, I've reintegrated myself into my normal single life, and had a realization that could be painfully misconstrued. I have come to realize that with this particular man, I would turn myself inside out. I am different around him, and not in a bad way, or in any way that is somehow less, just different. I have a friend that talks to me about splitting your heart between God and your husband once you're married, and I can see somewhat what she's talking about. For whatever reason, this man makes me want to do crazy, insane things...the concept of what I would sacrifice for him is exhausting. Which is terrifying for me, because I like my single life with God just fine thanks!!!!! So I'm sitting in this place right now where I'm torn....between wanting to just crawl into God and forget dating anyone, because I value this relationship too much, or giving myself over to the design He created.
New job - Overwhelming stress in this particular area. I mentioned a few days ago that I had been offered a new job, and that I had turned in my notice at my current job. What I didn't mention, are the anxieties plaguing me about this new chapter in my life. I currently work part time at a daycare in the afternoons, and I float around filling in wherever I am needed, and doing chores. I received an offer last week for a full time position (6:30-2:30) leading a 2 year old class at a Christian daycare. I am beyond ecstatic, and at the same time, completely freaking out. I'm not ready to be responsible for my own class, I've only been doing this for 3 months, and as an assistant! How am I supposed to integrate a full-time job into my already packed schedule? What in the world am I doing? I have no idea how to do this! These are my thoughts and fears on an hourly basis as I consider what is coming in 2 very short weeks. I have completely stepped out in faith on this, because I am painfully aware that I am not equipped for this. But I did not seek out this job, it came to me, and I trust God completely, even though I am scared out of my mind. SCARED...OUT...OF...MY...MIND.
Ministry - I participate in several different things that I consider to be personal ministry opportunities. I lead small groups, participate in prayer and other small groups, play on the worship team. These things are all great, but I'm starting to feel spread thin, and I'm getting the sense that it's time to focus and down-size. I stepped down from nursery a month ago, and while I miss the babies so much, I know that God is bringing me to a very specific place. He has called me to worship, and that is where my heart lies. On a really brilliant, awesome, positive note, I have begun singing also, and for the first time ever this weekend, I reached a place where the technicality of the music fled from my mind and it was all about that moment of loving God. It was stunning, and I'm hoping to get even more comfortable with that place as He continues to do this awesome work in me. This week is spectacular, because I have two more opportunities to participate in worship with events at church. I'm even leading a song tomorrow night, and while I'm nervous, I'm also excited to get out of the way and let God do His thing. With this, however, comes the reality that I am not superwoman, and that it's time to let go of some other things. I am saddened by this, but over the next several months, I feel that I need to transition out of leading in other areas and put my energy, time, and abilities into this role that God has prepared me to assume for my entire life. Seriously, more on that to come.
So this is today, and I'm sick and not in the best of moods, but I'm just gonna pray and get on with the business of this amazing, beautiful, messy life that God has blessed me with!
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Answers: Part Two
This is the direct follow-up to the first post I wrote about answers here.
But the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship Him.--John 4:23
I posted a couple of weeks ago my feelings on worship, and music has been a huge part of my life since I was a child. However, it's never really been something that I have considered as anything more than a hobby. This week has changed that for me. The irony is that I could have gone to college for free wen I was 17 for music, but I was adamant that I did NOT want to be a musician. It's just another instance of how God gives us second chances to do the things He plans for us. It's brilliant, and beautiful, but I digress some...
I was in my "shower space-out listen to God" time the other day His revelation came. Worship pastor...were the words He whispered to me. Just like the painting episode, I looked straight up and said, "really???" I love it when He surprises me, when I never see it coming, when I'm just like, ok, that's cool, but not at ALL what I expected. So I settled my mind a little bit and resolved to pray. The problem, you see, is that I have fallen victim to words that were not from God before, and I tend to be pretty hesitant and cautious when I hear big, powerful things like this. Therefore, I started praying hard, and kept praying, so much like Gideon...laying down the fleece, because I don't believe Him the first time He says it.
My affirmation came Friday night, from a mature believer, as it should, and was really a lovely, touching compliment. My very dear friend told me how wonderful it was to see me on stage worshiping freely, and compared it to a "beautiful butterfly" that had been set free from it's cocoon. I cried...even though I didn't tell him that. I don't really care how it looks, or what anyone thinks, but the reality is that I desperately needed a word from God reassuring me that I was not mistaken. It's glorious (and glorifies Him) to hear that other people are touched by the gift that He gave me to worship, to love him unabashedly, to be unfettered from the things of this world as I completely show my adoration. If I could worship 24/7, I absolutely would. In my private moments at home, I actually do.
Moving forward, I was very convicted about what my next step needed to be, and that was speaking to my worship pastor and asking him if he would start teaching me all the things that I need to learn. I have no expectations, and I have no time frame, because I know that I have a daunting education in front of me, and that God will bring things to fruition in His own perfect timing. On the way to church yesterday, I began to be afraid....second guessing myself, God, what talent I have, if I had lost my mind, if I was going to make a fool out of myself...just a million doubts. As I battled them away, I felt sure that it was the right move, because the enemy wouldn't have wasted the time with the fear tactic unless I was doing God's will. To my stunning, fearful surprise, my pastor was affirming, and positive, and eager to be a teacher in this manner.
I am blown away....just blown away by how good He is to me. I would absolutely not be able to do this, to be in this place, and to be confident and sure like this, if it wasn't for the freedom that I have found since letting go of some painful realities in my life. As I start this new journey, and move forward into this new season, I am reminded that He is always true. As I mentioned once before here, God's words have been bombarding me for some time...
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. - Isaiah 43:19
What a glorious new thing this is. Six very short months ago, I was desperately lost in the wilderness, and living in a wasteland. Be faithful, listen diligently, seek His face, and He will answer you, love you, give you everything your heart desires.
But the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship Him.--John 4:23
I posted a couple of weeks ago my feelings on worship, and music has been a huge part of my life since I was a child. However, it's never really been something that I have considered as anything more than a hobby. This week has changed that for me. The irony is that I could have gone to college for free wen I was 17 for music, but I was adamant that I did NOT want to be a musician. It's just another instance of how God gives us second chances to do the things He plans for us. It's brilliant, and beautiful, but I digress some...
I was in my "shower space-out listen to God" time the other day His revelation came. Worship pastor...were the words He whispered to me. Just like the painting episode, I looked straight up and said, "really???" I love it when He surprises me, when I never see it coming, when I'm just like, ok, that's cool, but not at ALL what I expected. So I settled my mind a little bit and resolved to pray. The problem, you see, is that I have fallen victim to words that were not from God before, and I tend to be pretty hesitant and cautious when I hear big, powerful things like this. Therefore, I started praying hard, and kept praying, so much like Gideon...laying down the fleece, because I don't believe Him the first time He says it.
My affirmation came Friday night, from a mature believer, as it should, and was really a lovely, touching compliment. My very dear friend told me how wonderful it was to see me on stage worshiping freely, and compared it to a "beautiful butterfly" that had been set free from it's cocoon. I cried...even though I didn't tell him that. I don't really care how it looks, or what anyone thinks, but the reality is that I desperately needed a word from God reassuring me that I was not mistaken. It's glorious (and glorifies Him) to hear that other people are touched by the gift that He gave me to worship, to love him unabashedly, to be unfettered from the things of this world as I completely show my adoration. If I could worship 24/7, I absolutely would. In my private moments at home, I actually do.
Moving forward, I was very convicted about what my next step needed to be, and that was speaking to my worship pastor and asking him if he would start teaching me all the things that I need to learn. I have no expectations, and I have no time frame, because I know that I have a daunting education in front of me, and that God will bring things to fruition in His own perfect timing. On the way to church yesterday, I began to be afraid....second guessing myself, God, what talent I have, if I had lost my mind, if I was going to make a fool out of myself...just a million doubts. As I battled them away, I felt sure that it was the right move, because the enemy wouldn't have wasted the time with the fear tactic unless I was doing God's will. To my stunning, fearful surprise, my pastor was affirming, and positive, and eager to be a teacher in this manner.
I am blown away....just blown away by how good He is to me. I would absolutely not be able to do this, to be in this place, and to be confident and sure like this, if it wasn't for the freedom that I have found since letting go of some painful realities in my life. As I start this new journey, and move forward into this new season, I am reminded that He is always true. As I mentioned once before here, God's words have been bombarding me for some time...
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. - Isaiah 43:19
What a glorious new thing this is. Six very short months ago, I was desperately lost in the wilderness, and living in a wasteland. Be faithful, listen diligently, seek His face, and He will answer you, love you, give you everything your heart desires.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Answers: Part One
There has been some confusion in my life here lately. New people I meet ask me all the time what I do, or what I'm studying, and I'm usually somewhat vague, and not overly informative. I'm sure people feel like they have to drag things out of me sometimes. Because I don't want to answer THE question:
So what do you want to do after you graduate?
"Um, something in ministry. I'm not sure yet, but God will show me His will." Followed by a big smile, because I don't have anything else to say. The reality is that I am absolutely sure that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, but as of the last several months, I've been very confused about where everything is leading. I assumed that pastoral counseling was the "it", even though I have inclinations that range from getting my Ph.D and teaching Old Testament studies to running a web ministry to writing a book. It's something I've been praying a lot about, losing some sleep over, and waiting patiently for God to answer.
My revelation came this morning, in a sweet moment of understanding, as God showed me what I was supposed to do. He even showed me some people that I need to talk to, which is one reason that I'm not going to just lay it all out there right now, today. Here is what I will say:
In all of my running around, various ways in which I serve the church and God's Kingdom, there is one place I've found that brings me the greatest joy and touches my soul in the deepest part. It is the place where I am at home, and comfortable, and not at all afraid to let everything be all God.
I am going to pray earnestly and passionately pursue the answer that God gave me on this crucial part of my life.
This is a good way to wrap it up! I Surrender by Jesus Culture:
So what do you want to do after you graduate?
"Um, something in ministry. I'm not sure yet, but God will show me His will." Followed by a big smile, because I don't have anything else to say. The reality is that I am absolutely sure that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, but as of the last several months, I've been very confused about where everything is leading. I assumed that pastoral counseling was the "it", even though I have inclinations that range from getting my Ph.D and teaching Old Testament studies to running a web ministry to writing a book. It's something I've been praying a lot about, losing some sleep over, and waiting patiently for God to answer.
My revelation came this morning, in a sweet moment of understanding, as God showed me what I was supposed to do. He even showed me some people that I need to talk to, which is one reason that I'm not going to just lay it all out there right now, today. Here is what I will say:
In all of my running around, various ways in which I serve the church and God's Kingdom, there is one place I've found that brings me the greatest joy and touches my soul in the deepest part. It is the place where I am at home, and comfortable, and not at all afraid to let everything be all God.
I am going to pray earnestly and passionately pursue the answer that God gave me on this crucial part of my life.
This is a good way to wrap it up! I Surrender by Jesus Culture:
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Worship
I've been sitting here relaxing on this New Year's eve, listening to worship music preparing myself for church this weekend. I play the keys, it's pretty cool. So I make a playlist on YouTube every week of the songs and just listen to them on repeat.
It hit me today what it really means to lead worship, and that is the fact that you're standing up there, completely transparent, loving God for everyone to see.
Completely transparent...showing a vulnerable side of yourself.
Worship needs to be done with emotion, passion, adoration, and exultation.
Happy New Year!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
The Big Blue
People often ask me, Why did you move to Pensacola? This is the answer:
There are only two populations in the world that get to regularly experience life without gravity. By the way, gravity is my favorite of all natural laws, but not something that can be contained within this particular post. Two populations: astronauts and scuba divers. What an amazing sensation! And there is nothing more awesome than floating along in the big blue with a 200lb sea turtle and barracuda hanging out next to you. And then they give you this look like..."what a weird fish!" There is a daunting variety of life hidden beneath the surface of water that not very many people get to see. And it's my passion. So now I get to share it with other people, which is what life is all about...relationships!
That's me, October 2009, on my first trip to Pensacola. Perhaps I should give a little bit of background information. Diving was my thing, literally, it was the only thing. I fell in love with it about the same time my marriage fell apart. Fill the void, right? I was in super dive training mode after that. Diving is the most amazing experience on the planet, and I still feel that way to this day, but back then, it was still kinda new, and I was obsessed. I went from Open Water class, to Advanced, on my way to becoming a Divemaster. At this point in time, I had just finished Master Diver class (tons of physics and diving to 100ft in a cold, black lack in Arkansas), and four of my diving classmates and I had decided to take a little weekend trip to Pensacola to dive the famous Oriskany. It was my first time in the ocean, and it blew my mind. So I made up my mind that I was going to move to Florida...eventually. Fast-forward 10 months, and I decided to do it. Happy 30th birthday, welcome to my new life as a scuba bum...
Seriously....the plan was to move here, work to make just enough money to dive, and live the dream. That's me the week I moved here. Things did not go as planned...I made some costly mistakes, and put myself in a position that was really unhealthy. In order to fix it, I had to step away from this thing that I loved the most. I've been diving 7 times this year...I used to dive every single weekend. There have been times throughout the last year that I have been desperately sad that I'm not in the water. And oh how I've longed for that complete escape from reality that it always brings me. But this has not been a year of escaping from reality....far from it. It's been a year of learning to let go. That's the reality, pay attention...sometimes we have to release something that we love intensely, so that God can do something wonderful.
And maybe I've learned how to find that nirvana outside of the water, in the random moments of life that God completely fills up. To take that freeing feeling of zero gravity (see picture above) and translate it to life. I began to wonder if I would ever be able to dive like that again. The most likely answer is NO, because I have too many other responsibilities. But I'm going to get close. The beauty of this attempt, is that it is for God's glory and purpose...not my own.
There are only two populations in the world that get to regularly experience life without gravity. By the way, gravity is my favorite of all natural laws, but not something that can be contained within this particular post. Two populations: astronauts and scuba divers. What an amazing sensation! And there is nothing more awesome than floating along in the big blue with a 200lb sea turtle and barracuda hanging out next to you. And then they give you this look like..."what a weird fish!" There is a daunting variety of life hidden beneath the surface of water that not very many people get to see. And it's my passion. So now I get to share it with other people, which is what life is all about...relationships!
In January, our new small groups are kicking off at church. When I first moved from Blue Angel to the North campus, there was a diving group that popped up in announcements from time to time, but never really went anywhere. So God presents an opportunity to take the skills and knowledge He has given me, and use them for His benefit. I am a divemaster, which means that I'm educated and certified to lead other divers around (no small feat, let me tell you!). And I have contacts and information about the local dive industry. So, starting in February, this small group will be diving twice a month and having a fellowship dinner once a month. It's not just about diving with other believers, however, because I know a ton of divers that won't step foot in the doors of a church, so it's an excellent opportunity to reach people who maybe wouldn't otherwise be involved with God.
So tell your friends, like the facebook page HERE, and watch for coming announcements and activities. I'm excited to get back in the water for the right reason! And just as a bonus, my favorite sea turtle of all time:
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Teen Challenge
I started praying Saturday, because I had no idea what I was going to say to these women recovering from all kinds of problems in life. On Sunday, I kept coming across Romans 8:28...
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
So I prayed some more, and read the entire book of Romans, and ended up getting some outlining done for a message on sin and righteousness, which ended up not feeling right at all. I did, however, learn a new Greek word that I feel in love with.
It's hamartia and its literal translation is to "miss the mark", and it's used in the Bible to refer to sin. I love the fact that the phrase "to miss the mark" denotes sinning. What a perfect way to describe it!
So I'm just going to post the outline for the message I gave. What really was the most amazing part, was that these women kept coming up to me afterwards, and some of the things they said to me:
The things you said, that's my LIFE....
I'm battling depression, and I want to be free....will you pray for me?
I need strength to finish this program, please pray for me?
May we pray for you?
I was so moved and thankful that God answered my prayers like HE always does. That he provided the words in my mouth that were not my own. I deviated from the outline I planned, I said things I hadn't meant to, used illustrations that weren't planned, skipped scripture I had planned to share. But there was this moment, where I felt this fire churning up in my body, and I knew that His spirit was about to take over, and I was grateful. I don't want to be anything other than an instrument for Him to speak to others. I don't want the words to be mine, I only want them to be HIS. It was perfect. I can't wait to go back and get to know these women on a weekly basis, to teach them about the Bible, to teach them how to be like Jesus. In speaking with several of them, it seems like they desire to spend more time in His Word, so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to teach them how to be disciples!
God is so faithful....and perfect, and if I were to try to thank Him for every good thing in my life, I would die before I got done talking!
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