The Desert

For those that read:

I have been an unfaithful blogger lately. I apologize....life has gotten in the way. I am struggling to find the words to say that I don't know what to say. 

It's a rough season, but I've had rougher. 

I'm at burn-out levels, but I've burned out before. 

I'm irritated with people, but the ones that matter are still here. 

I'm confused about where God is leading, but I'm still following. 

I've gained weight, but I'm not doing anything about it. 

I've become inconsistent, but I'm learning to say no. 

I have nothing to say, but I'm still talking.

I have come to realize that life is incapable of offering me any joy.

My prayer life goes something like this:  I'm sorry that I suck lately...I don't know what is wrong with me...I  *sigh* don't know what to say...Please help me...

Music and His written promises are my existence...He is the only thing that makes sense, even though I am not faithful...I know He is here, but I can't feel Him, so I have to dig in harder, and listen to what He has already said...

When people pray for me, I want to laugh at the futility...

When I read devotionals, I feel empty...

When people ask how I am, I say "rough season" and leave it alone...

When He blesses me, I am humbled...

Even the vessels of Him that have sustained me before have become useless...there is no TRUTH other than Him...

I want to surrender, but I feel like everyone is watching me...

I want to worship from the brokenness, but I have to keep it together to play...

I want to retreat, but I keep getting caught in multi-hour ministering conversations...

I want to be weak, but there is a strength bubbling up in me that won't stop...

And He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness. Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.--2 Corinthians 12:9

My latest excuse for my inability to be perfectly on target lately...?

*shoulder shrug*...There's grace for that...

Never think that any part of me can do any of this...I don't know what I'm doing, and I'm confused every minute of the day...as I rest in Him, I realize that none of this matters, that all these words on this screen, going up into public view on the vast measure of the internet, probably make zero sense, and that I don't really care. 

This is me, living in the life God called me to, in all of its messiness, getting out of bed one foot at a time, and saying "GO" to this life, trudging through the crap with my cross, begging like Jesus in the garden for this cup to pass from me, all the while knowing that when I said the words "Use me," I was signing up for this, asking for God to prune me, shape me, mold me, break me, change me, USE ME, every moment, of every day, and if my insane, rambling, cacophony of thoughts about this brief season rings a bell with even one person, then I have been obedient...