It's Not Leprosy

There is a time in every woman's life that is confusing in so many ways. Which one, you might ask?

Being single.

Before you stop yourself and think Oh this is just one of those pathetic single girl ,why don't I have a boyfriend, poor me I'm so lonely rants, I challenge you to keep reading. This is SO NOT THAT.

Last night I went to a lovely women's fellowship evening at my church. Unlike the normal format, this particular monthly meeting featured a panel of five women discussing the challenges of daily life. While I would first like to say that I am blessed beyond measure by the women I meet that pour out their knowledge and experience, there was something that left me unsettled...

They were all married moms. Which leaves me with some very disturbing/haunting thoughts:

Are we promoting a culture that devalues singleness? Are we teaching women that marriage is the only key to fulfillment? Are we saying that a woman does not have a voice until she has a husband and a child?

Those things are damaging. I am reminded of some very famous words:

...the form of this world is passing away. But I want you to be without care...the unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world, how she may please her husband...she is happier if she remains as she is, according to my judgment and I think I also have the Spirit of God...

The great apostle Paul, in 1 Corinthians 7, speaks to us about the state of being single. Even Jesus promoted celibacy in Matthew 19:12.

Again, I must pause and clarify: I am not some man-hating woman that wants to be single forever. On the contrary, I'd truly like to be married one day. Kids, well, I'll leave that one up to God!

What I do not want, is to be subtly told that I'm less of a servant, less of a voice, less of a person in ministry, just because I don't have a husband.

Because what if I don't ever marry? What about all the women who will never have a husband or kids? Are they banned from being powerful because they lack a husband? I think that Paul's words should echo and resonate in our churches, in our faith, in our spirituality. Yes, marriage is a beautiful thing, the closest relationship on earth to the one we have with God. But it is not an end state that makes everything perfect.

I do not have to choose between God and my husband, my kids, the laundry, the dishes, reading the Bible, quiet time with Him, committing to fellowship. There is no daily struggle between the other members of my fleshly family and God's will in my life. I am completely free to serve Him exactly as He commands. And THAT, my friends, is really a beautiful thing.

Friends...?

My church rests heavily on the concept of relationship...love, love, love, relationships...as a matter of fact, the sermon this past weekend was on our primary responsibility as Christians to love each other (John 15:12). Ok, I get it, I was convicted, and as usual I'm wrong.

Can we love people from a distance???

And what about the unlovable??? Rewind about 6 months, got a sermon on that too!

I've always believed in the statement that the majority of the friendships that we make are for a season, for a purpose, and that few and far between will stand the test of time. This is more than a theory, it is something I have seen played out in my life too many times to count.

Sometimes it's just better to love people in our prayer life, but not in real life. <--That may not be theologically sound, but it's my thought at this moment.

I can love you and not like you!

I can love you and know that you do not need to be around me!

I can love you and be sorry for my mistakes.

I can love you and pray for your every happiness.

I can love you and try to repair the friendship, but I cannot dictate your behavior!

I can love you, and let you go...and maybe it's for the best. In spite of Judas' decision to betray Him, Jesus still loved him, but he could not change nor dictate the choices he would make. He knew that Judas would betray Him, and still accepted the kiss on the cheek.

Herein lies the difference between friendship and ministry. A very wise friend of mine recently explained the difference to me, and the inherent problems in confusing the two. Close friends constitute a give/take relationship: you both pour in and out of each other. Ministry friendships are characterized by a give/give scenario on the part of one person. The most important thing to remember? Don't confuse the two!!!!!! I am painfully aware that I have been guilty of this recently, and am paying the price of failed relationships because of my inability to acknowledge and differentiate the two categories. In trying to rectify the friendships, I am encountering resistance and coldness. My fault for blurring the lines.

So what are we supposed to do with these people that used to be our friends? Keep loving them, obviously. Keep trying? Or does there come a point where you just let them walk away?

And the ones that have wronged us? Forgive, again, obviously. But what about...trust?

I can love you, and not trust you.

Unfortunately, this particular place right now has me isolating to the point where if I don't feel absolute and total trust in a relationship, I do not want to be around the person. In searching for a biblical answer to this dilemma,  I can only fall on Jesus' approach to time alone with the Father. He spent His last 3 years DOING life with the same 12 men, but he regularly went off on His own for prayer and fellowship with God.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding --Proverbs 3:5

My own understanding is a disaster of lies from the enemy, and a resulting awareness that I'm not sure who or what to believe right now. So if you're a fairly new friend, I'm sorry for avoiding you, I just don't know you well enough for this season. And if you're an old friend, God bless you, I love you, thank you, you are treasured more than you know for your faithfulness right now.

The Desert

For those that read:

I have been an unfaithful blogger lately. I apologize....life has gotten in the way. I am struggling to find the words to say that I don't know what to say. 

It's a rough season, but I've had rougher. 

I'm at burn-out levels, but I've burned out before. 

I'm irritated with people, but the ones that matter are still here. 

I'm confused about where God is leading, but I'm still following. 

I've gained weight, but I'm not doing anything about it. 

I've become inconsistent, but I'm learning to say no. 

I have nothing to say, but I'm still talking.

I have come to realize that life is incapable of offering me any joy.

My prayer life goes something like this:  I'm sorry that I suck lately...I don't know what is wrong with me...I  *sigh* don't know what to say...Please help me...

Music and His written promises are my existence...He is the only thing that makes sense, even though I am not faithful...I know He is here, but I can't feel Him, so I have to dig in harder, and listen to what He has already said...

When people pray for me, I want to laugh at the futility...

When I read devotionals, I feel empty...

When people ask how I am, I say "rough season" and leave it alone...

When He blesses me, I am humbled...

Even the vessels of Him that have sustained me before have become useless...there is no TRUTH other than Him...

I want to surrender, but I feel like everyone is watching me...

I want to worship from the brokenness, but I have to keep it together to play...

I want to retreat, but I keep getting caught in multi-hour ministering conversations...

I want to be weak, but there is a strength bubbling up in me that won't stop...

And He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness. Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.--2 Corinthians 12:9

My latest excuse for my inability to be perfectly on target lately...?

*shoulder shrug*...There's grace for that...

Never think that any part of me can do any of this...I don't know what I'm doing, and I'm confused every minute of the day...as I rest in Him, I realize that none of this matters, that all these words on this screen, going up into public view on the vast measure of the internet, probably make zero sense, and that I don't really care. 

This is me, living in the life God called me to, in all of its messiness, getting out of bed one foot at a time, and saying "GO" to this life, trudging through the crap with my cross, begging like Jesus in the garden for this cup to pass from me, all the while knowing that when I said the words "Use me," I was signing up for this, asking for God to prune me, shape me, mold me, break me, change me, USE ME, every moment, of every day, and if my insane, rambling, cacophony of thoughts about this brief season rings a bell with even one person, then I have been obedient...

Untitled

As I write this, I'm acutely aware that it may not get posted...that perhaps I'm not quite there. I don't even really know what to say...

It's 7:57 on April 7, the night before Easter. Hallelujah for the risen Lord!!!!!

Oh my goodness I just want to hide from people. It seems that every relationship, every conversation, every person that I know is somehow problematic to me. Not in an overt way even, just....ugh. I talked a short while ago having to run, and the translation I was given at the time was that I was entering a time of spiritual maturity.

Translation: rough season.

While I would absolutely love to run headlong into what God is leading me to do, be, whatever, the problem I find right now is that I am staring at a maze...I have no idea where to go. So I'm stopped, completely baffled at what is real, what is truth, what I can believe in. As far as other people go, anyways. I always know that my trust, my faith, my hope are in God. It's about the only thing I know at this point. And I'm frustrated and irritated and I have a million things still to do...

But I just needed to get that out...

When It Hurts

I can’t stop crying…

Jesus Wept (John 11:35)

For the record, I’m not traditionally a “crier.” Don’t get me wrong, I’ll get to going pretty good during church, but for the most part, it takes a LOT to start the waterworks. Even when I do cry, it lasts for about 75 seconds, then it’s over…not this last week. It’s been all-out hysterical wailing, hyperventilating, puffy eyes, looking a hot mess, headache inducing crying jags.

I think the standard response for most people is to stem the flow of tears of another person as quickly as possible. In a world where crying is a sign of weakness, and generally overwhelming to watch, we often try to calm the person, instead of just letting them cry it out.

Jesus teaches us, however, that sometimes, the tears just must fall.

And I know it could be a lot worse…and that God’s got me…and that it’s all gonna be ok….that this is just a rough season…this too shall pass…blessed is the man(woman) who suffers for Christ.

GOT IT!!!!!!

But the cross beckons us to bring ALL our emotions and lay them down, no matter how messy, socially awkward, and inconvenient they may be. So if you see me crying (because this awful trying season has just begun), try to just let me get it out. Pray for me, remind me of the truth that sets me free (John 8:32), and if I still can’t hold it together and continue to cry, it’s OK!!!!

One of my favorite passages in the Bible speaks to the nature of our tears: God will wipe away every tear from their eyes (Revelation 21:4). For in the midst of my hysteria, as I put my head in my hands and the tears drop and cover my feet, reminding me of the immoral woman who bathed Jesus’ feet with her tears, I am reminded that He is always with us, that He never leaves us, and that our tears are just as precious as our laughter.