Spiritual Warfare

This topic may be controversial, but I don't care, I'm going to say it anyways. And for the record, I already typed this once, and my computer is apparently participating in this process...just sayin.

Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of  the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with TRUTH, having put on the breastplate of RIGHTEOUSNESS, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of PEACE; above all, taking the shield of FAITH with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of SALVATION, and the SWORD OF THE SPIRIT, which is theWORD OF GOD; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints-- and for me, that utterance may be given to me, that I may open my mouth boldly to make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an AMBASSADOR IN CHAINS; that in it I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak. (Ephesians 6:11-20)



Powerful stuff. And you need every bit of it to fight a powerful enemy. That image, is exactly how I feel. I feel like I'm praying and praying and begging for God to help, and the whole time the enemy has his fingers inside my brain. God is giving me peace and refuge, but it doesn't last long.

It all started with the job thing. And I put my foot on the devil's head, and gave my notice. Which, apparently, REALLY pissed him off, because now he's going after my mind. Let me give you a taste of some of my most recent thoughts:

"Why are you trying so hard to fight your nature? You know you can't follow God's commandments for the rest of your life."

"You're going to be alone."

"You need somebody to fill a void."

"Give up, life is so much easier the way it was before."

Added to these nasty little thoughts that play on my weaknesses, he's foisting depression on me. Seriously? I'm pissed.....RIGHTEOUS ANGER. And I've been praying like there's no tomorrow.

In the moment it sucks, but realistically, I trust completely in my Father. I love Him, just for His majesty, and I believe that His plan for me is purposeful, meaningful, and that I can accomplish any task He asks of me, so long as I surrender completely. I know that all these things in my mind are lies from the father of lies, and that the only true source of happiness comes from God. I know that I am NEVER alone because He is always with me. 

But don't dare think that this stuff isn't real. I never considered it before, because the devil really had no reason to attack me before. I was putty in his hands, dancing along in all the sins of my own creation. But wow! Funny how when he loses a soul to God's perfect kingdom how pissed off he gets. And I had hoped, mistakenly, that by standing up to his attack on the job front, that I would firmly illustrate that all my trust is in God and that our relationship is steady and strong, but he's not giving up.

Part of me wants to give the devil a big F you, but I don't really think that's appropriate....or maybe it's the only time it's appropriate to use that language. I don't know. I'm not crashing, and I'm not teetering...but I am weary; weariness that comes from battling an enemy that you can't see, one that attacks where you are most vulnerable. 

Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, salvation, the Spirit and word of God. The armor of God. Can I get that in a size small please? 

Balance

Oh yes the things I'm learning in this journey. Perhaps the most important lesson thus far: BALANCE! 

I've been studying for days. Poring over pages and pages of material on the Gospels, female martyrdom in the 3rd century, how Mary as Jesus's mother is a great picture of understand and accepting (with JOY) one's purpose in life, the early church and monasticism. My brain feels like mush. Seriously. 

You would think with all the God oriented type studying I'm doing that I would be one with our Father, but the opposite is actually true. As my friend Arnie told me the other night, "Seminary school is an intimacy robber." Yes, it is. I've been struggling to write for several days a very simple series of responses for discussion board assignments. And although I've read the information, indeed I know the information front to back, I couldn't seem to make my fingers do anything. I just sat and stared at the questions I needed to answer. 

Then it hit me....I wasn't feeling God. And I remember this very important point of the "10 things to remember during seminary school" article that I like to reference regularly, which pointed out that finding harmony and balance between all the responsibilities and obligations in our lives is more important than the grade.Granted, my grades are pretty solid, high B's and low A's, and I'm totally ok with that. But as the deadline for my assignments drew closer, I walked away, and crawled into my personal relationship with God.

Who am I kidding? I know that regardless of the fact that He's called me to ministry, I have no hope whatsoever of completing this test of endurance without our relationship being the primary focus of my life. It's easy to assume that someone in seminary school has definitely got their attention fully focused on Jesus, but it actually pulls you away because it's so intellectual, and the personal relationship with have with our King is so emotional. 

So my assignments are past due (a few points a day loss), and I'm working on them now, but only because I've spent the last couple of evenings intimately with God. It's a reminder that this takes endurance, and regardless of the fact that I have so much schoolwork due in the next week that I'm still not sure of how it's going to get done, the truth is that if I neglect my personal time with Him, it WON'T. But, if I sacrifice the desire for perfection in school, for the pure love and joy and peace that comes from being in His presence, I'll definitely succeed....although I might have to settle for a B.

Our God is so good! And he brings us gently back when we wander a little too far. I found Hebrews 12:5 last night as I was doing some random reading during worship:

My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord,
Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him;For whom the Lord loves He chastens,
And scourges every son whom He receives.

I'm ok with a blank wall being my gentle reminder that I've let school overcome me. With as many slings as the enemy has been casting my way, I can't afford to lose sight of Jesus for even one second.

Undone

Open up wide, swallow down deep
No spoon full of sugar could make it sweet
The cancer inside stealing my sleep
Night after night it keeps haunting me
The secrets I keep
Are tearing me up inside
I try to hide and then I wonder why

Why I’m still running when I know there’s no escaping

Come undone, surrender is stronger
I don’t need to be the hero tonight
We all want love we all want honor
Nobody wants to pay the asking price

Fall on my knees, fall on my pride
I’m tripping over all the times I’ve lied
I’m asking please, but I can see in your eyes
You don’t need tears for alibis
It’s true what they say
Love must be blind
It’s why You’re still standing by this sinner’s side

You’re still by my side when all the things I’ve done have left you bleedingCome undone, surrender is stronger
I don’t need to be the hero tonight
We all want love we all want honor
Nobody wants to pay the asking price

I don’t think I can drive it home tonight
I don’t think I wanna be alone tonight

Come undone, surrender is stronger
I don’t need to be the hero tonight
We all want love we all want honor
Nobody wants to pay the asking price

Notice of Resignation

The official resignation letter:

Due to recent events, I no longer wish to remain with CVS/Pharmacy. As a Christian I feel persecuted by being asked to remain silent at the threat of losing my job. After the intense conversations of the last few weeks, being scheduled to work on a Sunday was the last form of discrimination I am willing to endure. My faith requires me to testify, no matter where I am, and if in doing that I will lose my job, that is a sacrifice I must make. However, to avoid that, I am actively seeking to end my employment.

I realize that finding and training another person takes a fair amount of time, therefore, I am willing to extend my notice beyond the standard 2 weeks upwards to 4-6 weeks, with July 31 being the very last day of my employment. I will abide by the ultimatum given to me about speaking of religion during this time, but I ask that I do not be scheduled to work on Sunday, as this is the Lord’s Day.

I fully understand that a business must be run smoothly with the personalities of all involved meshing well to create a productive environment that is both profitable and functional for the company. I have enjoyed my time with CVS, but I refuse to sacrifice my God for my job.

I pray that you will be able to find someone experienced and knowledgeable to replace me, that the business continues to grow and thrive, and that every employee I have met will experience happiness and joy in their lives. I will miss some of my favorite customers the most, as I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know them. Realize this has not been an easy decision for me, but one that I have no other choice to make, in light of the situation.

The Dangers of Doctrine and Theology

My seminary studies find me reading about early church history, the various councils that decreed doctrinal issues, theologies that caused individuals to be called heretics, martyrdom, Eastern Orthodox versus Roman Catholic, and thousands of writings by a multiplicity of religious leaders. I've always been leery of organized religion, mostly because I felt it was a bunch of people shoving doctrine and rules down my throat. 

The fact that bible is so widely interpreted, that God is so widely interpreted, is saddening, and mind-blowing. I spend a great portion of my study time reading part of my class materials, googling something that was confusing or unsettling to learn more, picking up my Bible, staring off into space, and then going back to the text. I had a dilemma just yesterday working on a research project as to the appropriateness of using apocryphal writings as a supplement to the Bible. Apocrypha, for those that don't know (and I didn't before seminary), is the collection of writings, both Old Testament and New Testament, that were excluded from the canon for various reasons. They make fascinating reading, so long as one remembers that their exclusion from the Bible is based on the doctrine of biblical inerrancy. And there goes that word, doctrine...

I pray every time I study to God that He will show me what the truth is. I don't want to be someone who recites doctrine and theology that make no sense. I only want to represent our King as He truly is.
 
I have a favorite website that has a list of 10 things to remember to keep one's sanity while in seminary school. Among other nuggets of wisdom is to forget the idealogies that we currently have in place as we approach a new way of learning. For me that really wasn't so hard, because I've always been of the opinion that there is one true God, who offers us salvation in His son Jesus Christ, and that the Holy Spirit was a little confusing. Other than that, the various theologies accepted by Christian denominations around the world really didn't merit my attention, because I'm pretty sure that the "church" today isn't the church that Jesus had planned. My own studies and experiences over the last year, pre-seminary, have furthered my knowledge and relationship with all three persons of the Trinity. But still something in me rebels against the doctrine of the Trinity. I don't know what it is. 

It's not as if I'm trying to define new doctrine and theology. I just want to explore the Bible, and the extra-canonical writings in an attempt to further understand how we are to serve God. I've heard that when we truly love God, sinning no longer seems appealing, and that's the truth. I've also heard that we don't comprehend how to love God, and that we have to ask Him how to even do that, and I also concur. In loving God, and serving God, and following His commandments, and celebrating the awesomeness of GRACE, theology and doctrine are just words.

Unfortunately, they are powerful words, upon which churches have been built, and lives have been taken.

My Job for God?

The Martyr of St. Peter

Most of the apostles were martyred for standing up for Jesus. Jesus himself was crucified, according to God's plan. We all die, so why shouldn't we die for the one true King?

This is something I'm actually struggling really hard with at this time. My work has pretty much forbidden me from talking about my studies in seminary school and all things religious. I have a huge problem with this, because it's my responsibility to witness, no matter where I am. I never deny Jesus, so I'm not breaking the statement he set forth in Matthew 10:33--

But whoever denies Me before men, him I will also deny before My father who is in heaven.

I want to talk about Jesus, and God, and the Holy Spirit. And I want to feel like I'm not being censored. I have the right to practice religious freedom, and I have the right to talk about it at work....right? And if not, why shouldn't I risk my job to do what God has commanded of me? I would rather enter the kingdom of my Father knowing that I stood my ground and stated my beliefs, and put myself out there for the One I love. The great disciples and apostles gave their LIVES for Him. I trust implicitly that the Lord protects me and provides for me, and that everything I do has a purpose by His will.

I want to tell the world about God. I want to share the good new of Jesus. I want to let everyone know how much I love my Father, and how much He loves me. And how much He loves all of us. That's the purpose of the great commission Jesus gave his own apostles. I want to do no less.