Your Love Makes It Worth It All

This is a phrase from a Jesus Culture song that I absolutely love.

I don't want to leave. But He has called.

I promised everything...and I'm being asked to give up my independence, freedom, dreams...to go home. 

Home is where the heart is, and there are people I love immensely....

I need His music...in my heart, in my head, pouring forth from my hands and mouth...

His loves makes it worth everything, so long as I can rejoice and worship...

Reading Test

"There is a voice in my head telling me to go home...to Texas...after the summer, when I've done the things I've committed to do, the things I need to do, telling me to go home. I'm homesick in a way I've never experienced. I don't know what's coming, or what's happening. I don't know why I'm confused, sick, tired, spiritually drained. All I want is more of God, and all I seem to be experiencing is more confusion. I miss my mom, I miss my family, and in the nearly 2 years that I've been here, I've never felt that way."

4 days ago, when I wrote that, I could not have foreseen the events that would come. The events that would demolish everything I thought and had planned. This is not official public knowledge as of 10pm Tuesday evening, but it's fairly well known.

I'm going home.

I have been a confused mess for 48 hours trying to decide where my life was meant to go next. I've cried, I've prayed, I've sought God, and after much deliberation and overwhelming emotions, I feel at peace with moving back to Texas. This was not how I wanted to do things, and as a matter of humor, I had said I was never going back to Texas...silly me for trying to limit my awesome, powerful God.

Although logically this does not make a lot of sense, God is yanking me back there for some unknown. This is not the easy choice...as a matter of fact, it's the hard road. It's got a wilderness feel to it, but that's ok! Not perhaps in the wandering for 40 years part, but in the blind faith required to believe that God has something there for me that is mind-blowing.

Because I'm human and obviously fallible, I laid down a couple fleece like Gideon, and also got an unexpected confirmation this evening. I let some of my family in on this fact today, but in the process, one of my parents informed me that he'd had a dream that I was moving home. I cried...again.

The things I'm going to miss about this place are too numerable to describe, and there is a huge part of me that wants to stay.

God knows better than I...He has planned every moment of my life, and knows what He is doing...even when I do not.

Promises

...your testimony will change people's lives...January 2011

...thousands coming to Christ because of you...April 2011

Worship leader...January 2012 (God)

When the foundation has been ripped out from under you, sometimes the only thing to do is write out the promises that God has given. These are my promises...

The musician in me quotes it like this:

When the world is shaking and nothing stands...Refuge

The bible scholar says it like this:

For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord...Romans 8:38-9

What Is Going On?

It's been an interesting day. Interesting week, interesting life right now, to be honest.

I do not know what is happening.

I keep waking up, plugging in, pushing forward, and I have absolutely no idea what in the world I'm supposed to be doing. *This is going to be a mess* I said goodbye to a friend tonight, and I have a jumble of thoughts in my head. There was a sadness in me when I realized I will most likely never see this person again this side of heaven. I am so grateful that God maneuvered a chance to see him before he left, because that's exactly what it was. After I said my goodbye, I almost ran out the door for one last hug as I realized the truth that I'll never see him again. But I chose to sit silently and ponder a few things. My head mulled over recent events, my heart, what I want, and what I don't want. As I headed home from a great night with friends, the ever present screaming madness of my personal trial made itself known. In an effort to push it to the back (because it confuses me), I started thinking about the summer ahead. Several people that mean a lot to me are going to be leaving, and tonight was just the first of many goodbyes to come. Despite all the things I could say, I only have one question to ponder...

When the summer is over, and they are gone, will I want to be here in Florida?

There is a voice in my head telling me to go home...to Texas...after the summer, when I've done the things I've committed to do, the things I need to do, telling me to go home. I'm homesick in a way I've never experienced. I don't know what's coming, or what's happening. I don't know why I'm confused, sick, tired, spiritually drained. All I want is more of God, and all I seem to be experiencing is more confusion. I miss my mom, I miss my family, and in the nearly 2 years that I've been here, I've never felt that way.

I'm emotional, it's been a long week, interesting day, and, as always, I need sleep. God will answer my prayers, lead me in the right path, and calm my confusion. But I just needed to get that all out in the meantime.

He is Faithful

My great God often drops Scripture into my lap at seemingly random times. I find that these are impeccably placed into exactly the situation in which I find myself. Many of them are obvious "aha" statements that promise something wonderful, sometimes they come in the form of inspirational verses, and sometimes they hit hard and fast.

Thursday, May 10, 2012, 6:23am - Simon, Simon! Indeed, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail; and when you have returned to Me, strengthen your brethren (Luke 22:31-32).

All day long these words tumbled through my head. I'm a student of Scripture...I know the context in which they are said. But something pulls at me, begging me to dig in, to explore the meaning of these two verses in greater depth. To explore the fundamental truths that are inherent; truths that span a great deal of theology. In this process, however, is hope...

Simon, Simon - Ah Simon Peter...so much to be said! I usually identify more with Paul, feeling like my worst sins were committed behind me, but I think we are all a little bit Paul and a little bit Peter. Poor confused, mixed up, impetuous, disloyal, obnoxious Peter. The first disciple to call Jesus the Messiah (Matthew 16:16), and yet the one Jesus called Satan (v. 23). Peter, who vowed to go with Him to prison and death (Luke 22:33), but also the disciple who betrayed Him 3 times (Matthew 26:69-75). The one who jumped out of the boat to get to Jesus, but then sank under his fear (Matthew 14:22-33). We can learn so much from Peter, renamed as cephas (the rock) upon which Christ built His Church (John 1:40-42).

Satan has asked - And we find ourselves back into Job's dilemma: the enemy can only attack us when he is granted permission. Take that one in for a minute...if he has to ask permission, then God has to grant it for it to occur. Here we have the cast down angel "going to and fro on the earth, and from walking back and fro on it" (Job 1:7, 2:2)...I'm guessing he was bored perhaps? Nothing like a little human sport to spruce up an otherwise boring meander. The most difficult part for us to understand are the times when God says yes to this request...those hard seasons of struggle that we just don't seem to really understand. In the interior of our mind, WE are the ones who allow the attack. But from external places, only God allows this attempt to conquer His people.

to sift you as wheat - Before the days of modern industrialized farming, do you know how they sifted wheat? For those of you non-agricultural people like me, here's the scoop: wheat is kinda like a pea pod...all the good stuff is on the inside. The outside hard covering is useless. So the first step is to thresh, which consists of beating the harvested plant on concrete floors until it is loosened. Second is winnowing, which involves tossing the loosened plant into the air, where even the faintest wind will separate the heavy grain from the light useless chaff. His winnowing fan is in his hand, and He will thoroughly clean out His threshing floor, and gather His wheat into the barn; but He will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire (Matthew 3:12)...the chaff is useless. The light comes on...I definitely feel beaten at this point...

But I have prayed for you - Um, so you mean You said it was ok?????? Recalling the previous discussion about Satan's need for permission, our head drops, we meekly whisper our assent that permission has indeed been granted. God is letting this happen to you for a reason.

that your faith should not fail - For this the element of our salvation, the belief in our God, the belief that He is good, the belief that we can trust Him. And this realization of what is under siege is perhaps the most intense, for me. I have been gifted with extraordinary faith, and my greatest asset is the thing under attack.

when you have returned to Me - Finally, a glimpse of hope in this dark painful season...not IF, but WHEN...such a huge distinction in those two words. It is not a question of whether or not it will happen, only how long we will have to endure. No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it (1 Corinthians 10:13)...a refreshing promise in the dark.

strengthen your brethren - Which is one reason that I have taken the time to analyze these two verses in such great detail. We are going to be sifted!You may be experiencing this process of beating right now, or maybe you are in the stages of being tossed to and fro in a tempest. You may be spiraling downward into negativity, suspicion, emptiness, and confusion. Your faith is being tested; you hear lies whispered in your head that are so blatant that you actually laugh out loud in surprised shock. Your are enticed to quit, lured to self-destruct, seduced into believing that your life was easier, better, calmer before you walked with God. Let us hold fast the confession of our HOPE without wavering, for He who promised is FAITHFUL (Hebrews 10:23)

With a sigh I close my eyes, calmed at last from the weeks of spiritual torment that have infiltrated my mind.

It matters not, He is faithful.
I am weak, He is faithful.
There is escape, He is faithful.
I have hope, for He is faithful.

The Last Vestige of Hurt

I can't believe I'm blogging about this again...sitting here wondering if I really want to publish what I'm thinking...then here comes the fear, the thoughts that no one cares about my failures...I don't even care most of the time, but it sure makes for a great message on purity, redemption, restoration...AHA, I won't share it on social media outlets, and only the faithful will read...

Time is running out on the guillotine that hangs over my heart. I saw it on Facebook, and of course it must be official...he is leaving soon. It causes me to think about the last six months...the next six months. I began this self-imposed sabbatical from dating/relationships because I was tired of all the energy consumed. In retrospect, I think I needed these months for self-reflection, healing, and rest.

To pretend like it still doesn't hurt to see him every single week and remember all the pain is a lie. I push through, pray for peace, renewed forgiveness, compassion, wisdom, and all kinds of other things. For the longest time I've been saying that I wished he would hurry up and leave, but for the last month, I've actually believed it. I'm ready for this chapter of my life to be completed ended, completely closed. I'm ready to not be reminded of this mess every weekend. I'm ready to not care about his spirituality.

I'm ready to forget that he...I'm just ready to forget.

When we experience the loss of something, there must be a period of mourning. There is something about being bluntly reminded of it on a regular basis that does things to the process. In the five emotion continuum of denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance we get stuck somewhere between anger and acceptance. It took me a really long time to discover why I still get so mad every single time I see him. It led me to question my forgiveness for the whole entire situation. Then awareness came over me, and I read an article that spoke of the difference between forgiving the person, and forgiving the debt owed.

I am still working on that last part. I am still trying to figure out why any of it matters in the least. In the meantime, I wait hopefully for the day he leaves, knowing it will probably be emotionally traumatic, and at the same time, spiritually liberating. The healing process gets arrested every 7 days or so, and my friends wonder why I even bring it up, but there is something that makes me feel like I'm being taunted. As if I'm trapped in a nightmare that just keeps repeating itself.

He was never who I thought he was. But I'm still the same person who gives too much of herself away, then has trouble collecting all the pieces once they've been shattered on the ground. The time I've had, and the time I have left, are comforting, knowing that my heart rests firmly in God's hands, where it should. Knowing that I'm not being asked to take a chance on anything that isn't completely REAL. Knowing what it is to be loved entirely for exactly who I am...exactly who I am not.

Knowing that I can give every bit of myself away to the greatest love of my life and not have it handed back to me broken.

This is the reminder, this is the promise, this is me, being really transparent and vulnerable...and painfully honest, as always. In closing, 3 Doors Down These Days with a few excerpts for emphasis:

I think I was better off before this all began
So clearly I can see lately that you don't know who I am
Everybody tried to tell me something that I never could believe
Staring back it seems so much different than it did in front of me

But I know there's no good in looking back on yesterday
And wondering what could have happened then
You think you can give me what I want, you say
I think I 'm better off alone, these days

The Treasure

The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and hid; and for joy over it he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field (Matthew 13:44).

This is my favorite parable. Now, I know there are longer parables that are equally as fascinating, but what I appreciate so much about this particular one is that it communicates profound truth in a single verse. Jesus was really good at getting right to the heart of the matter, and this illustrates that so perfectly.

It is the heart of the matter that I find myself overly concerned about today. One of my favorite things about God (if there is such a thing) is the way He meets us sometimes in the strangest of places. It is often an intimately shocking, unexpected moment when He wraps our hearts in conviction and says, GO. Sometimes it is a crazy huge request that leaves us reeling, but sometimes, it is that simple gut punch that we need to go talk to someone.

Once a year, my church hosts our missionaries from around the world for an entire weekend of services, as they share what God is doing around the world in every nation (Mathew 28:19). This is my second year to experiences Missions Conference, and as I sat today waiting to hear a familiar voice speaking, I had that moment.

I have always said that if did international missions, I wanted to go to the Philippines. I have an extensive list of the why's, but that is not important at the moment. I entertain the idea of missions like I entertain the idea of a Mercedes...it's a great idea, but overwhelming. And of course, it's easy to be inspired by a conference featuring men and women who are out there doing it! At the same time, I usually just shrug off the thought and go on about my business.

Something profound happened today, although I am not sure at the direction it will go. A seed was planted in my own heart...as I listened to a missionary to the Philippines tell the story of his amazing miracle child, which brought tears to my eyes, I began to pay closer attention. And as his 8 minutes neared the halfway point, he spoke my favorite parable. It was as if time stopped for a minute, and then resumed as my pulse started racing. I cannot remember what was said the rest of his time, because I just felt a compulsion to talk to him.

So I sat through the other presentations, all the while trying to discern what I was supposed to say. At the end of the service, I wandered through to find him, intent on saying something because God was leading me to. As I made a quick stop in the bathroom, anxiety and fear began to overcome me. It was uncomfortable and unusual, and just reinforced the knowledge that I was supposed to have a conversation.

As I had a short talk with this missionary, I told him what had transpired, dropped a few sentences about myself, in rambling broken speech, after which he shared an anecdote about the time after college when he was searching for a position. He prayed for me, and I resolved to sit through the repeat of his presentation and pray over donating to his mission.

To end a long story (which seemed shorter earlier), I do not know what I committed to, other than a small monthly donation, but as I took my place on stage for second service, I was still battling the anxiety. I stood there, hands poised to play, and just reminded God that He had all of me, no matter what it cost or where it led.

I do not know why He moved so obviously in my heart today, or why I was attacked with fear and anxiety at the mere thought of a conversation, but I can only say that in some way, some how, some seed was sown today in my life, and I do not know where that will take me, but I have been convicted to pray heavily about the Philippines.