I Have My Moments

Give me faith to trust what You say, that You’re good, and Your love is great…

I love this song, although I usually don’t have problems with faith. I would be lost without my greatest spiritual gift, and I watch others struggle with faith, and am grateful that it is one area where I do not. I have my own issues, however… As the song goes on, it says, I may be weak, but your Spirit’s strong in me…my flesh may fail, but my God You never will! It has always in the past reminded me of the times when I did in fact fail, because I am weak, but God turned my horrible mess into an amazing message.

Trials are exhausting, and I’m positive that someone is saying “Amen” right now!  There is a purpose for them, as we are reminded several times by Paul:

…we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance (Romans 5:3)…

I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be reveled in us (Romans 8:18)…No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be temped beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it (1 Corinthians 10:13)…And He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

James admonishes us to count it all joy when you fall into various trials…1:2. While there always comes a point where I am able to smile in the face of whatever adversity is at my door, I’ll be honest….there is about a 24 hour window of full-on pity party sulking. These are the 86,400 seconds that very few people see: lying in bed, listening to worship music, crying, praying, griping, reading His word, crying, staring blankly into space, holding my head in my hands, more crying, more praying, more worship music, lying in bed despondently (yeah), more griping, more Scripture…repeat as necessary.

It takes some time to wrap my brain around the fact that I’m absolutely gonna have to suck it up and let it go, and trust Him to handle whatever crazy, random, overwhelming, insane scenario has come my way. Then I begin to feel foolish, and start to remember that this will pass, that these trials and tribulations are about bringing me to a stronger place, that every good thing is from God, that He has everything handled, that our testimony matches our call, and that my name means resurrection. With a name like that, I’m just not gonna get off easy in this thing called life…I am, however, going to take all of these experiences in their moment to display faith that is much greater than a mustard seed, grace that covers all brokenness, joy that bursts forth in worship, and hope that is unending. <3

You're Gonna Have to Run

I had a dream Saturday night...a real scare-the-pants-off-me-spiritual-warfare-are-you-for-real-that-was-so-weird kind of dream.

Its the middle of the night, and I drive my car up to a cemetery...one of those century old types with chipped marble headstones and tall wrought iron fencing. I'm aware that inside the cemetery are men from my church: pastors, leaders, etc...strong spiritual men of God is the impression that I get, although I only recognize one. It's one of the associate pastors at my church, who happens to be very prophetic. As I approach this group, I have a sense that something darkly spiritual is going on, although I'm not particularly worried. The one that I recognize wraps his arms around my shoulders from behind and locks them, like a backwards hug. This is the part where I thought, "ok weird, but it's a dream, so maybe he's just being supportive." Then, he climbed on my back and said these words to me:

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO RUN...

Um...what?????

As I took off running with this grown man on my back, the fear started to overwhelm me. I'm running from something (maybe the devil), and I'm carrying all this weight (of someone who represents spiritual leadership), and all I can see is darkness.

It's at this point that I suddenly wake up, and without opening my eyes because I'm terrified there's going to be a demon in my room looming over my bed, the first word out of my mouth is Jesus, followed by a multitude of Scripture. The minute I say His name, half of my anxiety disappears, and as I continue to squeeze closed my eyes and pray, the rest subsides fairly quickly. I finally open my eyes, calm, and say, "Well that was weird," roll over and go back to sleep.

Although I'm ending rather abruptly, I'm still mulling over all of this. The next morning at church, I spoke with this pastor about my dream. Look for the continuation over the next few days.

Be blessed my friends!!!!!!

All My Single Ladies

This is personal...

If you don't desire to read my dirty laundry, then just stop now. Although it will be somewhat watered down because I don't care enough to vent vehemently, I've still just had enough at this point.

I'm on MAN-BBATICAL.

Officially! In July I blogged about how I wanted to stay single to serve God, then in October I went on and on about how ready I am to get married and start a family. Can I have it BOTH ways???? 

My "ex's" have started to get nicknames (that aren't so nice), which just goes to show how completely fed up I am with the caliber of men in my life over the past couple of years. In response to this, I am done dating for a good long while. We shall call it an undetermined amount of time. On one hand, I'm tempted to say August 2013 (which is when I graduate from seminary)...let's be honest, my schedule doesn't really leave time for a relationship. On the other...I get bored easily. *sigh* It's the truth. 

I am done being an option.

I am done trying when the other person doesn't.

I am done opening up my heart to men who don't protect it.

I am done texting, calling, playing house.

I am done pretending it's something it's not.

I am done being unequally yoked.

I am done pouring out my feelings to my once best friend about how hurt I am only to go unanswered.

I am simply done...

My limit for BS (yup, went there) has been getting shorter and shorter in this area as I've gotten older. I want something very specific. It is made up of all the trite little comments about the kind of man Godly women should want: a spiritual leader, chasing after God, running beside me, pursuing me in holiness, treating me like the daughter of THE King. 

Like I said, it's personal, but I know a lot of fantastic women who deal with the same thing, and beautiful sisters in Christ, let me just tell you something....

IT'S NOT WORTH IT!!!!!!!

We already have the perfect example of love, and He'll give you everything you need. He will woo you passionately, completely, for all you are, and for all you are not. He will not disrespect you, He will never ignore your calls or texts, He will never ask for your body without protecting your soul, He will never treat you as anything other than you are...

So! I am going on a man-cation until my birthday, officially (maybe longer)...if you want to join in on the "only God" experience, I'll be happy to be an accountability person in your life!!!!

Remember how great it is to not have to share your affection and love with anyone other than God???

A Time for...Isolation

It's new, it's here, it's freaking me out a little.

I'm entering a new season, and I know it's going to be one of those "alone" seasons. You know the kind...where for whatever reason, God needs you all to Himself to mold you, teach you, embrace you, build you, prune you. The possibilities are endless, but everyone probably knows the feeling. That 'Oh Yeah' time. I went through one of these last year, but apparently I didn't get quite what I needed out of it.

Does the fact that we know it's coming make it any better? No, I think it actually makes it more anxiety laden, because we know how hard things can *potentially* get.

So I'm sitting here, mentally exhausted, putting to bed the paper I didn't finish on time, to do tomorrow, so that I can just sit, and soak, and praise, and worship, and lament a little, and read His Word...I am going to need every bit of Him I can possibly get.

He is always faithful...

Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land; for I will not leave you until I have done what I have spoken to you.--Genesis 28:15

Yeah, I'm afraid....but I'm going to give it all to the One who can make it all good. His promise is REAL, it is enduring, it is as old as Jacob. It's for now, too, because God has spoken promises into my life that will  come to fruition. Into every single one of us!!!!!! He has us, in all situations, in all trials, and He is always with us, even when we are being attacked.

This is the faith that moves mountains, but it is also the faith that helps us to climb them.

A Spirit of Insecurity

It has been a long, distracting weekend (yes, I realize Tuesday means it's officially over). As I begin to write this, I am plagued by a thought, "Am I selfishly blogging? Or is this helping people?" I want to be helping, but in creeps that voice that's been saying the same thing to me for days...

I would like to preface the rest by saying that insecurity is not one of my normal battles. Arrogance, pride, ambition, cockiness absolutely....and not particularly born of a low self-esteem. I have to check my inflated ego on a daily basis. So to be completely slammed by the opposite has been stressful, painful, destructive, to name a few.

Part of me wants to itemize all the things that were said to me over the weekend, by so many different people, that echoed that sentiment above. I just kept hearing it in the unspoken words of almost every conversation...NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

So I broke: I took all that pain and tried to put it somewhere it did not need to be. As a result, I ended up crying (hysterically), and saying some awful things to some of my closest friends. *sigh* I'm not perfect either.

As I was pouring out that hurt the other day, I remember rambling about how I was so tired of trying to please everyone else, of caring what anyone else thought, and that I was tired of trying to be good enough for people who weren't even good enough themselves. I was reminded that I'm never going to be good enough in theory, but in actuality, I'm absolutely, perfectly, wonderfully good enough for the One who loves me best.

The Spirit Himself bears witnesss with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs - and joint heirs with Christ...Romans 8:16-17

And God raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus...Ephesians 2:6

You are all sons (daughters) of light and sons (daughters) of the day...1 Thessalonians 5:5

You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden...Matthew 5:14

You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain...John 15:16

You are no longer a slave but a son (daughter), and if a son (daughter), then an heir of God through Christ...Galatians 4:7

And my personal favorite: You are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation...1 Peter 2:9

These are only a small handful of the promises that He has given us...that we are righteous, holy, loved, and yes...GOOD ENOUGH. It is the enemy who tries to come and break us with this lie, this feeling that we are never going to measure up. It's a powerful thing to believe, but God tells us otherwise.

What lies has the devil made you believe that whispered maliciously those words???

Here I Sit...

At Panera, surrounded by commentary on Job, my Bible, scarfed down Mac 'n Cheese, Dr Pepper beside me, empty coffee cup waiting to be filled nearby. A mere two weeks ago I mentioned some things that were happening in my world. This is somewhat of a continuation of those thoughts, but perhaps more in depth. Before I continue, I'd like you to read some words, and listen to a song:

I will exalt You, Lord...I will exalt You, Lord....There is no one like You God!!!!!

Tattoos and weddings do something to me. I realize that seems rather random, but perhaps I should explain where my mind is right now...all over the place...I'll  come back to that thought in a minute.

In my last post I mentioned the disconnect I felt from God. I'm pretty sure I wrote that on Thursday before worship practice, and although I had seen the songs all week, I somehow sensed that the set list was a little message from God to me. I needed it. Within our songs for the week are two of my favorites: Our God by Chris Tomlin, and Give Me Faith by Elevation. The second just resonates within me with the words I may be weak, but Your Spirit's strong in me, My flesh may fail, but My God YOU NEVER WILL....what an awesome promise this is. The other song is so important to me because the first time I went to church after the accident, it was playing. I desperately needed the words And if our God is for us, then who can ever stop us, and if our God is with us, then what can stand against? It echoes Psalm 27:1...The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?

What a lovely segue to tattoos and weddings....I have been planning for some time now to get that tattooed on my foot, and Thursday night, I did:

Something in me needed to be reminded, and my mind has been much clearer since Thursday. Still a little stressed, but so much of the anxiety about all the things in my life has definitely quieted down. I am reminded that God brought me to this place, and He will not leave me here! He's blessed me, and as long as I continue to do what I'm supposed to do for Him, He won't let me down!!! 

Oh, and the comment on weddings, it seems that when the man in my life doesn't invite me, it changes my attitude and perspective on a lot of things....there is so much more to be said on this particular topic right now, but the reality is that I'm kinda over it...I promise I'll explain further, but for now, I have a very important date with a man named Job.

Love and blessings <3

Disconnect

It's been over a week since I've written anything, and the absence is most definitely a part of what is happening to me.

To me...

Interesting choice of words that I seldom use. For me, in me, around me...all are common statements that I make. Obviously I'm overwhelmingly busy. In the midst of the insanity in my life right now, however, is the most disturbing feeling of being unable to get to God.

Reading the Bible: only for school.
Prayer life: dismal.
Worship: going through the motions.
Joy: non-existent.
Attitude: negative.

His Presence is always this powerful thing in my world, and here lately, I can't really feel it. I absolutely KNOW that this has nothing to do with Him, because He is always the same, and that it's something within me. I'm also positive that this is some new and distracting form of spiritual warfare designed to deter me from God's awesome plan in my life.

But it sucks...really, really sucks.

So I'm at lamenting, begging, and trying to take from my school-oriented reading of Job something applicable to my situation. It's a good place to start.