Sunshine and Roses?

I've been silent for what feels like far too long. Perhaps my arrogance leads me to believe that anyone cares or misses me. I was once charged with writing this selfishly for my own benefit, but in the back of my mind, I can't help but think that no one has ever experienced anything new, common to man (1 Corinthians 10:13). Nothing I go through is unique to me or my situation, and sometimes I hope that something I say will make a difference to someone else.

Newlywed bliss is not exactly bliss. There, I said it, and before someone thinks that I'm miserable, please let me explain. I love my husband; he's a wonderful, incredible, Christ-chasing man that challenges me, encourages me, and loves me when I am very unlovable. The problem is ME!!!! The problem is learning to move from full-time student/part-time employee/worship-centered daughter of the King, to student/housekeeper/sex goddess/ prayer warrior/chef/wife/writer/lover/pursuer of Christ/reader/learner/listener/teacher/ communication genius/musician/roommate/laundromat/humble selfless woman. And I know that for many women, there's the added role of mom, but that's not me...yet. 

But this is HARD. I've been in the habit for a very long time of avoiding things in life that I wasn't great at from the beginning. I am so...not...good...at this. I know that God always calls us beyond ourselves to test our faith and reliance on Him alone, and I'm so desperate everyday for the energy, courage, perseverance, and patience to let Him mold me into a great wife. I have tried to avoid Proverbs 31 because I'm pretty sure  it's laughable at this point. And I know I'm a newlywed and that everything takes time. But I have just felt like everyone pretends that its an easy transition, and to be honest, it's just not. There are moments and days where being married is the greatest thing...and then there are moments in my prayer closet where I wring my hands and wonder why I am not better at being a wife. 

As I read blogs about housekeeping, and pray incessantly for heavenly help, I wonder how many other new wives feel the overwhelming pressure to be perfect? I laid in bed last night trying to sleep, worrying about my failures, and suddenly it hit me that I don't even know who I am right now! My personality has changed some, and I feel lost in all my new roles and how I should act. At the core of it all, is the sense that God is breaking me down again, to show me how to be unselfish, to show me how to love when it's hard, to stick when I want to run and hide, and that when everything else falls away, I'm still just His beloved daughter. No other titles, roles, or jobs supersede that simple fact. 

My great friend pointed me towards an amazing worship album a few months ago by IHOPKC and there are a few words that keep reverberating in my ears:

When it's all been said, when it's all been done, when the race is run, well it all comes down to love.....did you learn to love, is what He will ask of me (Measure of  a Man). Oh...yeah...the first and second greatest commands involve love (Matthew 22:37-40). We are nothing without it, no matter what else we accomplish (1 Corinthians 13). Real love dies to self for the benefit of another (John 15:13). My greatest lesson in kingdom living will come from my marriage.

All is for Your glory, that in all things You will have the first place, that in all things You will have preeminence...so put me anywhere, just put Your glory in me, and I'll serve anywhere, just let me see Your beauty (All is For Your Glory). The purpose of marriage isn't for my happiness or benefit, anymore than my education, musical talent, or writing ability. Everything I've been given is for the sole purpose of making so much of God. How small and petty for me to forget that I am not the center of this plan. I don't know the full purpose of what our marriage will do. Nor do I see the glory in barely surviving as a new wife. I do trust, however, that there is something brewing in God's redemptive plan that makes it worthy of bringing glory to Him, and that's enough for me.

So thanks for letting me ramble and rant, and I would love to hear about your experiences as a new bride!

Remember

Pardon me, I'm in a mood, and not sure what it is...forgive the stream of consciousness as it just flows. Life is amazing and awesome, but as I attended a Bible study last night for the first time in what seems like forever (8 months to be exact), I suddenly looked around and remembered...

FREEDOM

I've been living in a vacuum for a very long time....maybe it was the crazy dream in March, the barren wasteland of my heart in April, moving to Texas in May, the depression and mourning and silence and alone-ness of June and July, the quiet acceptance in August...and as I started to breathe again, to live again, to exist outside of just being this floating survivor of some awful shipwreck in the middle of my life....hanging on desperately to any little thing, uprooted from the life I loved, cast into this place where nothing was stable, and the only reality was a lifetime of disappointments and dysfunction staring me directly in the face...it was all I could do, most days, to just stand firm and be faithful and obedient....to be healthy and whole in the deafening silence of asking, and seeking, and knocking....as God has breathed a whole new unexpected and brilliant life into me over the last couple of months, the rough season of 2012 has made sense. And although I've started to come out of the wilderness, it's been cautiously and quietly.

But last night....for the first time in such a long time, my heart began to stir to do ministry. As I listened to some heartbreaking assumptions and opinions on marriage, and heard the bitterness in the voices of women, and the underlying prisons of their entrapment, the word that kept reverberating in my heart was...

FREEDOM

The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captive and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed (Luke 4:18).

I forgot...that freedom is the ultimate reward of life lived in Christ...that an unbelievable amount of Christians are still enslaved to those bonds....that freedom is only as good as we choose to make it, as we choose to keep it...that it's one of my fundamental messages of resurrection to others...that my life is full of freedom and redemption...that I long to share it...that I long to be what Jesus was in that verse....to be the catalyst that points to HIM to heal and set free....

I've sat here and wondered what had happened to my passion for ministry....and it hasn't been lost, only put back so that God could do some work in me, so that He could bring me to a new mountaintop experience, and teach me new things, and draw me closer, and give me a blessing greater than I imagined to take me into the next place...

And yeah, admittedly, I'm still pretty inwardly focused, because there are big changes going on, and new things coming that demand my full attention and commitment right now....but a new heart for ministry is also being birthed in me during this process, and it comes around full circle and goes right back to the core of what I believe encompasses full joy in Christ, and that is...

FREEDOM

Keeping it Close

I haven't had much to say lately, and the things I am saying are still not being publicly posted. So for those of you reading right now, thanks, I suppose.

Have you ever gone through those seasons where, for whatever reason, you're just oddly protective of the work God is doing in you?

I'm sooooo there!

On one hand, I want to shout out all the good stuff, on the other, it's still tenuous and new and MINE.

Oh my goodness, I'm getting married to the husband God picked for me (more on that later, probably)...and I'm quitting my job to be a stay at home wife...and oh wow that new thing (Isaiah 43:19) that God whispered into my heart in January, its here...holy moly I prayed so hard for this for months--"Please God send me my husband"--but am I ready for this, please God don't let me screw this up, please make me worthy, maybe I should have been praying for Him to make me a good wife instead?...so I'm addicted to this blog on being an awesome wife, because this is the biggest responsibility/task He's given me yet...but I'm excited and overwhelmed and overjoyed because God is so flipping good to me, the way He responds and loves and answers the desires of my heart....and I'm floored and made speechless by the way that Joshua (Yahweh is salvation), of course is this unbelievable example of Christ-likeness in the way he loves me the way Jesus loves His church...so I pinch myself on a daily basis to make sure I'm not dreaming, but no, I'm doing laundry and vacuuming and changing dirty diapers at work so I couldn't possibly be dreaming...

It's all so new and surreal and amazing, and thanks for letting me ramble it out to you <3

Obedience Brings the Blessing

For four months (probably longer) I whined about my life. Definitely longer...On the eve of my life completely shifting, these were words whispered into my heart. So many times in the recent year I've been asked to let go, release, walk away, relinquish, give up....until the very last thing I was asked to crucify was one of the things I wanted the most. So I stood in the shower (because I have God epiphanies there for some random reason),

crying as I surrendered the last of my will,
fully aware that the ability to let go was beyond my comprehension,
begging for any kind of grace to deal with the death of yet another dream...

Unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain. He who loves his life will lose it... (John 12:24-25).

Sometimes the task is more than we know how to accomplish. Whether it's walking away from the life you built, or giving up the plans you made, or or setting aside the dreams you had....the problem in all of those things is that they are all about YOU...you built, you made, you had...the lesson I have learned is that obedience does in fact bring the blessing. While it may seem that the obedience is heart-breaking, and against everything you hold dear at that very moment, the obedience to release your will is necessary for God to impose His...

This is my blessing <3

October 4, 2012

I have a boyfriend. Like, whoa oh my goodness that never happens. But not just any boyfriend...a real manofGodcourtingmewiththeintenttomarry boyfriend.

That brings roses to my job...

And tells me that he loves me, and wants to win my heart, and wants to lead me spiritually, and believes sex is for marriage, and doesn't believe in forever long courtships, and wants to love me like Christ....already DOES love me like that....

I am in awe of how stupendously amazing it is to be drawn into a mountaintop experience with God by the actions of another human being. I always wondered what it would be like...whether or not I would have to divide my heart as women I know have indicated...and the answer is NO!!!!! The answer is that the man that God has selected for you will create an even deeper love, passion, and intimacy in your relationship with God. I am blown away by His provision and the way He always answers the desires of my heart with a greater gift than I could ever imagine.

As I was praying last night, just pouring out my gratitude and surrender, he shared with me that this is the man I'm going to marry. So when he asks me, I'm going to say yes. 

So much love...

When the Phone Rings

O my Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will (Matthew 26:39).

I never really thought I would feel this way about my own calling.

Word this morning: "I have to know that you will choose me over what you want in that fleeting moment. You are not alone because I am always here. I have something different for you, and being different is not easy. I'm asking you to trust ME. I won't let you down."

In the face of the difficult, I find myself longing for the easy. My definition of "easy" is probably not really easy at all, but it appears that way when measured against the alternative. If it appears that I'm being strangely obtuse, I apologize. I'm just caught up in the personal right now. I used to think that my calling was gloriously awesome....now I just feel like it's way too much trouble. In that whiny, petulant voice, the glamour of being different fades away into a pouty "WHY??" Then I recall the words that I have whispered over and over...use me....and I am slammed with the realization that just last night I scribbled furiously in my personal journal:

I'LL GO
SEND ME
USE ME
I'LL DO IT

Those words do not leave me with the option to send God to voice mail...

Forgiveness

This topic is just on my mind right now. Perhaps because it's something going on simultaneously with several people in my life. I find myself on both sides of the issue, both receiving and extending forgiveness. We all wrestle with this one.

On receiving forgiveness: We feel frustration when people do not forgive us. If we have to forgive others, then this person has to forgive us! Wrong....they are commanded by God to forgive us, but the choice not to is beyond our control. Our requirement here is to express contrition, be honest and open in our apology, and pray for a restored relationship. As much as it hurts to know that someone is continuing to hold on to anger/resentment/hatred/distrust towards us, we have to be willing to let it go and trust that only God can do the hard stuff.

On extending forgiveness: I know what you're thinking right now....But you don't know what this person did to me...You're right, I don't, but I've had it all done to me at one point or another, so I can guess. We are so arrogant here. We feel so wronged and hurt, and that person doesn't deserve our forgiveness. NO, they don't, but neither did you. I definitely DO NOT  deserve to be forgiven for the million horrible things I've done, but I am. If our goal is to be like Christ, then we absolutely have to get over our own misplaced pride - the same misplaced pride that will destroy your relationships - and graciously forgive others.

Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little (Luke 7:47) - This woman was a prostitute, immoral and unclean in all of Israel, and at Jesus' feet, she poured out her value (perfume) and her heart (tears). She GAVE of herself in requesting absolution, and forGIVEness was granted.

And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses (Matthew 18:34-35) - This follows the famous "7x70" command, and the story revolves around a man who has been forgiven his debts, and yet refuses to forgive others theirs. We are all forgiven for debts too numerous and horrible to recount, but Christ GAVE it to us. We cannot afford to be stingy to GIVE the same gift to others.

In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace (Ephesians 1:7) - I have said it already, but it bears repeating. We did nothing to deserve the free gift of eternal forgiveness. In spite of our failures as humans since the beginning of time, in spite of a history of not being sorry for any of it, in spite of not deserving it, forgiveness was granted. He GAVE love, so that we could GIVE the same love to others.

It cost God EVERYTHING to forgive us....why should forgiving others not cost us something as well?

Maybe it's pride, or anger, or simply stubbornness. Maybe it's that aching hurt that we just don't want to let go. Maybe it's that resentment that's been keeping us company at night for years. The question I have is this: Why are we holding on to something that is only hurting us? There is FREEDOM in forgiveness. Jesus came and gave His own life so that we could live in that freedom, to not be bound by the disappointments, and hurts, and let-downs we experience.

He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins (1 John 1:9)....Let's BE like Christ, BE what He intended for us, BE the light, BE the love that gives freely...

After All

Sometimes we don't even realize that we're in a spiritual wasteland. It creeps in, subtly at first, just a little distance here, and forgetting to pray there, and then suddenly, we realize that we're standing alone on an island. As we look around and wonder in befuddlement how we got there, it dawns on us that we just drifted there.

I can't comprehend Your infinitely beautiful and perfect love

It's not like I've backslid into an overtly sinful place. But it's not a place of passion, either. And maybe it's the church that I was working with, or the secular music I've been listening to, or the reading focused more on intellectual study than personal revelation, or a lack of spiritual covering, or not making specific time every day to pray, but my relationship with God has stagnated these past few weeks.

You are holy

I'm happy to be back at the church I was attending.
I'm content to experience worship in the back pew.
I've downloaded some new (old) music.
My hermeneutics text is not the Bible.
Please pray over me if you're reading this.
I need morning devotional time.

Thank you, David Crowder* Band, for giving me a song to put on repeat that shakes me out of my trance.

Heaven and earth are full, full of Your glory, glory
My soul it overflows, full of Your glory,Your glory
Oh blessed is He who reigns, full of Your glory, Your glory
My cup it CAN'T contain all of Your glory, Your GLORY!!!!

Enjoy and thanks for "listening."

The Voice of One

It's been an interesting week focused on being the mouth of God. I am convicted, and troubled, and unsure of even how to do what we are supposed to...

Speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15)...

Truth is easy, it's that love part mixed with truth that causes problems. People don't want to hear truth sometimes. It's too painful, too real, too raw....

On Wednesday I received a message that a troubled young man I knew had died of a drug overdose. I began to consider my own guilt and disobedience in the matter. This was a teenager caught in a destructive lifestyle that I spent some time around about a year ago. He expressed interest in coming to church with me, and on the one Sunday it was to happen, he didn't show. I began to get busy with other ministries, with believers, and quit taking time to talk with him. A couple months before I left, he contacted me wanting to get together...I never followed up. Now, I repeatedly warned him of the dangers of his recreational drug use. But you know what I never did...?

I never called him out for the expressly forbidden sins he was committing in other areas of his life. As I realized what had happened last week, I was overwhelmed with sadness. I began to track the time, and wonder if he was standing in judgment before God, if he already had, what had happened, what God had said, how he had responded.

Did I miss the opportunity to be the voice that spoke truth in his life?

I was afraid to offend...afraid to bruise feelings...afraid to alienate someone. The reality is that alienation from myself is of no concern, when he had chosen to alienate himself from the source of all life.

I failed...

I am absolutely positive that on the day that I stand before God, I will have to answer questions about why...

And I realize that my singular voice was one of many warning him of the realities of his decisions. The loss of a 20 year old with a lot of amazing qualities is a tragedy regardless of anything else. I am saddened that the evils of the world have taken another young life. I am burdened at the hanging question of his spiritual state...something which I could have addressed. This is a regret that I will not forget.

I had another chance this week to be obedient in speaking truth. Second chance to speak conviction over a  church for being "stiff-necked" and "lukewarm"....yeah, God told me to say those things. I don't know about you, but I really don't want to say things that are offensive! I want people to LIKE me....but loving God is much more important than liking me. So I prayed, got nauseated, and spoke the truth....

Perhaps it falls on deaf ears, but I am left this week considering our responsibility to other people. I have often said that truth is not the fun policy, but it is the best policy. I hate lies and untruths of any form, and yet when it comes to reacting this way in Christian relationships, I tend to shy away from the burden of saying the hard things. It is easy when it comes from me...but how do I tell someone they are wrong based on what "God said"...? It is this fear that keeps us from giving people the opportunity to reject God.

And never question the fact that the GOSPEL IS OFFENSIVE. People have to be presented with the truth, and given the option to reject everything about it. Not a watered down, culturally friendly, socially forgiving Gospel...but the real Gospel, that demands qadosh....holiness...set apartness....

I beg you to take away from my stories this week a reality that does not go away. Sometimes we have to say things to other people that they are not going to like. Sometimes they are not only going to reject God, but reject us....

He who hears you hears Me, he who rejects you rejects Me, and he who rejects Me rejects Him who sent Me (Luke 10:16)....

If someone doesn't want to hear from Jesus, then they most certainly are not going to want to hear from you....but when God is calling us to be obedient to speak the truth, we must set our own feelings aside, learn to love the person, and speak the truth He has called us to speak...it is not an easy task, and probably one of the hardest we face as a believer. But it is worth the momentary discomfort in a relationship to avoid the question I am asking right now about a lost young man....

Could the truth I avoided speaking have made a difference in his eternity?

Preferential Worship

Father forgive me my arrogance...

I thought I knew what worship meant. I have prided myself on understanding what it means to soak in His presence...I have reveled in the fact that I am good at demonstrating abandonment....I have selfishly chosen songs that move me.

I have been very, very wrong.

As mentioned in a previous post, I am newly in charge of worship for a church replant. To make a long story short, it's an older church that has pretty much died. They have brought in a new pastor to birth a new legacy for this church, and man is his vision awesome! Along those lines, I have tried to blend traditional and contemporary worship. I have tried to be open with the feedback, sensitive to the congregation, flexible with my worship plan, song arrangement, vocal style, and even vision...which ended up causing a very troubling day for me. In trying to make everyone else happy, I lost sight of the purpose.

Oops.

I left practice feeling frustrated, troubled, burdened, and confused. Not overwhelmed, thank goodness....just wrong. It's no longer about picking songs. This is about so much more than that.

I came home and sought answers in the one place where they are always found: His Word. As I thumbed through Ephesians where I have been all week, I found the answer...

Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord, giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another in the fear of God (Ephesians 5:17-21).

The Israelites did not worship God based on their preferences, but on clearly defined expectations that He commanded in the law. Just as they find their design in the OT, so can we find design in the New.

To me: do not be foolish, and seek the will of God.
To the congregation: open our hearts to the movement of the Spirit, which is compared to a state of drunkenness.
To the team: psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs....regarding ALL THINGS HIM.
To the church: submit to one another.

As always, He has humbled me with His greatness. I have been reminded that the true purpose of worship is simply worshipping God. It's not about any of us, myself included. We must throw out our preconceived notions of what worship is supposed to look like. It doesn't have to be traditional, and it doesn't have to be contemporary.  It doesn't have to include a killer band, or awesome lights, or a sick sound system (although those things are super cool). He doesn't need to hear 3 harmonies on a hundred year old hymn or my vocal rendition of Hillsong. He needs us to be honest, to listen, to respond, to remove ourselves from the process. We must ask ourselves a singular question:

What has HE done?

All that we are, all that we do, all that we have stems from that one reality. The answers to the question are infinite. Therefore, our worship must be geared towards one specific truth:

Who HE is.

Our worship should be filled with adoration, exaltation, passion ,submission, devotion, and celebration directed at our perfect triune God.

No worship leader is immune from pride, a fact that I have always known. Our lesson as musicians comes from the original worship leader of heaven, and his own eternally costly mistake of idolatry of self. I am awed and inspired at the way I was very gently reminded of this today. Correction came swiftly and specifically, and the reward for my repentance was the gift of a new vision.

I would like to challenge the non-musicians with a thought...as we sit in the audience and observe the ritual of worship, is the idol of preference distorting the true goal? As we sit and perform our amateur critique of the vocals, song selection, arrangement, lighting, etc...are we really concerned about what God thinks? Or is it just what WE think?

Walk Away

One of my many favorite stories of the Old Testament is found in Genesis 22. Take now your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you (v. 2). This was the son of PROMISE..the son given to Abraham and Sarah in old (really old) age...the son that was to be the birth of a nation...that son that Abraham loved.

So Abraham gathers up his son Isaac, takes him up the mountain, proceeds to prepare the offering, answers poor Issac's questions about the missing animal, then raises his knife to slaughter his own beloved son.

Many of us, when considering this story, find it impossible to comprehend. In applying it to situations other than parenthood, it is still a difficult task to surrender something that God has graciously given us. We often tend to think that it is ours to hold, when the reality is that without God's provision, it would not be ours to begin with.

Do not lay your hand on the lad, or do anything to him; for now I know that you fear God, since you have not withheld your son, your only son, from Me (v. 12).

The first commandment given to us, and reiterated in the NT, is to love God above all else...other people and other things. Sometimes even the things that God has given us to serve Him can become idols.

I say all this as I share some news. I love worship; anyone who knows me even a little knows this much. The most difficult part of leaving Florida was leaving the worship team. I still knew the promise, but at that particular moment in time, I had to sacrifice it because God asked...to go to a place with no promise, no opportunity, no worship team.

Yesterday I took a position as a worship leader for a church replant.

If I had not painfully sacrificed that thing that I loved that brought me so much joy, I would not have received this amazing blessing. Always remember that the test of release is not about God ruining our dreams, or changing His mind, or breaking His promise. Sometimes the promise becomes so fixed in our minds that it overshadows the one thing meant to receive glory....God.

He loves to make much of Himself, so if He's asking you to walk away from a dream He gave you...ask yourself if maybe the dream has become more important that God himself. We are always nothing without being fully surrendered to Him. Far and above promises and dreams, He longs to be the only person that we truly cannot live without.

The Death of a Life

Sometimes dying to self is really the death of a dream.

I've sat here for two months and complained, bemoaned, wondered at the perplexing place I have found myself. Saddened by having to walk away from the life I had in Florida, but resigned to obedience at God's leading me back to Texas. People have asked me so many times, "Are you happy to be back home?" I would just look at them strangely, wondering if I should express my disgust for pastures over oceans, parents over independence, and rest over busy-ness...then chastened by the fact that there are tremendous blessings, even in my lack of exuberance: I can always go home, I have a job I like, I am healthy again...The truthful answer brought on so much sadness at the life I left behind that I was usually left to murmur something about it being both good and bad, then some nonsense about missing the ocean. 

As one chapter of my life closes, the door swings vibrantly open into another. In the wisdom of looking backwards, I now see that new things could not happen until the old has passed on. 

...unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and DIES, it remains alone; but if it dies, it PRODUCES MUCH grain (John 12:24).

Last weekend, I went to Florida to retrieve the last of my possessions that were left in storage. To say that the trip did not go as expected would be an understatement of immeasurable proportions. However, as the dreams and plans and relationships I had in Florida went up in a cloud of tumultuous smoke, I found something infinitely sweeter in the chaos. 

I have wondered what purpose God has in bringing me to Texas, and over the course of humbled and convicted emails, the answer has begun to whisper through my heart. 

Yes, having a dream ripped to pieces and destroyed is painful, and I have several times reminded friends in this very situation to take heart, for God obviously has something far more amazing ahead. In these moments of devastation, however, these promises can seem small while we mourn. 

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted (Matthew 5:4). 

I have stood in the pews at church during worship and sobbed over my situation. I have felt guilty in those moments for feeling so incredibly sad when I am so richly blessed. But that was my LIFE. I still feel overwhelmed when I think of what was. I have needed to grieve this loss. But as I cleaned out the last pieces of my dream in Florida, I laid it to rest. In eulogizing the great life it was, the following are some thoughts, perhaps not goodbyes, but farewells:

• I have been immeasurably blessed by the amazing leadership that I found myself submitted to in the Church while living in Florida. You have enriched my walk with Christ, and taught me valuable skills that I will carry forward into my own ministry. Thank you for being examples of integrity.
• To all the women that I prayed with at one point or another, you are beautiful. Shining examples of what it means to truly be a daughter of the King. I am humbled by your stories, encouraged by your faith and obedience, and inspired by your words in every season. Shine on, women of God!
• For the ones that broke my heart, thank you for showing me how to lean even further on Him. I came to Florida broken, and left healed, in spite of numerous attempts to further break me. I am sorry for my hurtful actions, and I pray that God uses those same experiences in your own life to enrich your testimony and faith.
• For the very small list of treasured friends, I love you deeply, and I hope that the friendship that solidified itself as I said goodbye last weekend will only continue to grow in the coming years. Thank you for holding me up as I cried in my anguish. 
• Oh amazing overwhelmingly beautiful coastal creation of God....farewell my love. We shall meet again, hopefully on this side of heaven, but assuredly on the other. You soothe my soul, and perhaps I miss you the most, but your glory is vivid in my mind like a picture frozen in time.

The new chapter of God's work in my life is only just starting to be written, and without being too cryptic, it is positively brilliant!!!! In these seasons of mourning a dream, remember that He is gracious and loving and knows that we need this time to let go....that death is a grieving process, but one that gives life in the kingdom of God. So let it die, cry from bottom of your soul, and smile brightly because your future is really, really stupendous!

My $0.02 on Morality

I love Chick-Fil-A...the waffle fries are scrumptious, the chicken is mouth-watering, and the milkshakes make my eyes roll back in my head. I'm not going to quit eating it because of anyone's opinion, but I also did not make it a point to eat there today. But this isn't even about CFA. It's not really about gay marriage either. Or abortion, for that matter. It's about the moral decay of the entire world around us.

I've gone back and forth about publicly having an opinion, because I don't want to offend anyone. But let's get real...

THE GOSPEL IS OFFENSIVE!!!!!!!

Therefore many of His disciples, when they heard this, said, "This is a hard saying; who can understand it?" When Jesus knew in Himself that His disciples complained about this, He said to them, "Does this offend you?"...From that time many of His disciples went back and walked with Him no more (John 6:60-61,66).

Allow me to rewind, before I get dubbed a hypocrite. I was raised on religion, and rebelled on a grand scale. At some point, I broke every rule in the book...that Bible book. I messed up in ways that I will never,ever, ever, in a million years, share with another human being. I was a horrible person.

$0.01 = GRACE

This is the Love that rocks my world. Perfect love, that sees every awful, horrible thing in my memory (John 2:25), loves me infinitely and unconditionally in spite of my own horrible self (Proverbs 10:12), and redeems every shattered piece of my soul (Psalm 49:15). This is the sacrifice of the cross, the spotless perfection of Jesus' life, that allows God to blanket our unconscionable mistakes, and creates a newly born image of Christ. Yeah...it's that good. The chance to be perfect instead of horrible? I'll take it.

This is the easy part. Confession, forgiveness, acceptance. You don't have to change a thing.

$0.01 = TRANSFORMATION

What you do have to do, however, is to present yourself and be subject to the renewing of yourself as only God's Spirit can do...And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God (Romans 12:2). If you re-read the paragraph after grace, you'll see that a Christian is recreated into the perfect image of Christ. God looks at you, and sees HIM, in all his glorious perfection. The rest of life is an attempt to stay that way.

This, is a daily repetition of failure, contrition, and forgiveness. Grace that is new every morning.

Maybe it will begin to make more sense, like this:

GRACE (0.01) + TRANSFORMATION (0.01) = MORALITY (0.02)

I make mistakes every single day. I sin every day, with or without knowledge. I have friends from all walks of life...they sin every single day, with or without knowledge. We tend to prescribe a value system for the sins of this world, but the reality is that each act of willful disobedience against God evokes the same response from Him. In God's eyes, sin is sin, and we are all guilty. 

The brilliance of the Christian walking in faith is the tool of conviction. If we are seeking Him in our daily lives, then He will gently point out our mistakes, drawing us back to Him (1 John 3:19-21). As we read His revealed Word in Scripture, we cannot help but see how we all fall short of perfection. That moment when you sense that something just feels "wrong"...THAT is the voice of God whispering in your ear to come back. He is longing to repair every instance of damage to your relationship. 

My last thoughts, which are perhaps the most "offensive"...if you're not being gut-checked on a regular basis, there are two explanations:

You are Jesus...

Since that's highly unlikely, here is the truth: You have been duped. Lied to, misled, seduced, desensitized, corrupted, and deceived by the father of all lies (John 8:44, 1 Thessalonians 3:5, 1 Peter 5:8, Revelation 12:10). If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. The devil has a powerful way of taking the Gospel and selling truth mixed in with lies. If you can justify something that Scripture says is immoral, then say hello to Satan, because he is screaming in your ear. I have done this, for the record. I have listened to the cunning lies, and seductive false truths of the great liar, and found myself frolicking along behind him. Only to wake up the next morning and be humbled by the voice of God reminding me of the truth.

Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it (Matthew 7:13-14).

So don't be complacent. Don't be numb to the moral crumbling around you, or in you. Ask Him to enlighten you...He will. Read His word...He will speak. Don't judge the sinner, and don't judge the outspoken Christian. 

Love every person you meet...

speak the TRUTH of the Gospel firmly but with kindness...

and seek Him every day, with all your heart.

And So It Begins

Early warning that this may seem a little sporadic,  but it all makes sense somehow...

I started having nightmares last week. In this period of calm, rest, nothingness, it was actually a breath of fresh air. It reminded me that I'm alive and that I'm still a threat to the enemy. Saturday night was the last occurrence, and when I awoke, I immediately felt the spirituality of the dream/nightmare, so I started praying. As I was praying I "remembered" that it was the third night of such events. After a bit of prayer, I fell asleep again, only to have yet another dream, this one much more obvious: a green snake with horns bit me on the foot.

I went to church Sunday with a renewed purpose and fervor to do God's will. Not that mine ever really died, it's just been in limbo the last couple of months while nothing has been happening. I came home, and anointed the entire house. I slept like a baby last night.

This evening, however, I am restless in my sleeplessness, overcharged as I desperately try to discover the next season of God's purpose in my life. Tonight there were talks in my house of starting a new church with a strong music ministry. As I laid here just a few short minutes ago, God whispered to me that the reason for my discontent of late is that I'm not doing what I was created to do.

My calling and purpose is worship...every part of my life for the last 31 years speaks to that: I was trained in classical piano for 11 years, active in band and choir in high school, almost majored in music in college. Regardless of all the technical history, God has anointed me to lead worship. The experiences I have had are far greater in talent and leading that I could ever achieve on my own...it is ALL HIM.

This season of rest is coming to a close, and I honestly could not be happier. I want to be a life-changer in the Kingdom of God, and fulfill what I was created to do. Knowing your purpose for God, and not doing it is the most frustrating thing I've experienced in a long time. I'm supposed to show people how to get into the presence of God, and futile efforts at anything else just do not satisfy.

And maybe there's pride, because all worship leaders have to deal with that nasty little issue. I enjoy experiencing worship from the congregation, I enjoy worshipping in my own private little world without a microphone or piano in front of me. Selfishly, I could take it in like a heroin addict: in the car, on the treadmill, in the pews, it doesn't really matter. Music is music no matter where I am, and I'm singing praises to God when no one is looking. But the reality is that God's call is His call....and although He is always enough, we are created to be a part of His body, to have a ministry, whatever form it takes.

This is about me, but I hope in reading it, you are challenged in your own walk with God, in your own calling, to seek and pray and discover the purpose that God has placed upon your life. Remember, Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you..(Jeremiah 1:5). This promise is specific to the OT prophet Jeremiah to be a prophet to the nations, but the truth is that God knew each one of us before we ever drew a breath, and He plans for each one of us to have a significant responsibility in bringing the Kingdom of Heaven here on earth.

Go find your purpose.

You are My Passion

I'm alive to bring glory to You King, God of victory, You are my passion...I've said before that if I could spend all my hours, every day, doing one thing, it would be worship. And I realize that our lives are supposed to be a 24/7 act of worship in every moment. I am, more specifically, talking about musically. I read a blog of a pastor that I respect very much, speaking of vision, and how it is what we were created to do. I have never in my life felt as much joy, belonging, completion as when I'm using music to bring glory to God. Why does the reality of life get in the way??? Heaven come down, I am so ready for continual worship.

It's in the way You are, You don't change at all, Great and humble God, You are my passion...It's true, He never changes....if there is a distance, then it must be me. Was I disobedient? Am I not seeking enough? Not praying enough? Not serving enough? What am I doing wrong? But no, there is no condemnation, just a quiet stillness. Maybe there is nothing to say right now. Maybe the gift is the peace of rest. Maybe the words are already written. 

My strength in life is I am Yours, my soul delights because I am yours...If I did not have the love of God, living in Christ, inside of me, I would be lost. Bereft, disillusioned, broken, scattered, obliterated. He is the place to crawl when I feel bruised, battered, alone. He is the person I thank for all the gifts in my life. He is everything, no matter where I am, who I'm with, or what I'm doing. 

Your will on earth is all I'm living for...I promised everything, am willing to do anything. Here is where I breakdown...why am I not moving forward? I don't know how to rest, shouldn't we be taking ground? But no....after the last year, I need a period of recuperation. I feel like I'm not doing enough. I'm praying every day for His will to be brought out in my life. It has happened before, what's different now? I don't know how to slow down....here and now, there is no other choice.

Jesus, I glorify, Jesus, my love is Yours, You are my heart's desire, I long to know You more...Whatever You want, whatever You're doing, ok....I'm just gonna wait...and keep screaming these words from the bottom of my heart.

I Can't Commit

I have commitment issues in a lot of areas, but today, I'm concerned about one particular area: finding a church home.

Why is this so hard????

It's like a wheel of fortune of church attendance. Every week I think I've found it, then as Sunday gives way to Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, I start to feel a discontent. I don't even know what I'm looking for. Maybe just "that" feeling that I'm in the right place..which I have had slivers of.

Maybe I'm waiting for that feeling I had the first time I attended Liberty....which is preposterous, because I was in a different place.

I want the music to be just right, the preaching to be deep and inspiring, the people to be like me....

Am I shopping for shoes or a church?????

A couple painful truths:

• I enjoy flitting around the periphery because I have zero intention of staying in East Texas.
• I'm not sure I want to be part of a worship team because I'm writing songs and would rather put together a band to jam with privately.
• I'm avoiding the church I really liked because I don't want to get stuck there.

I have done some article reading about this process, and have read that some people have done this for over a year...over a year?!?!?!? 

I keep asking God what I should do....silence...

It's Sunday, so here I go again, a new church, new music, new teaching, new experience....

Dreams

A man has a dream..two dreams actually. He dreams of an exalted place...a destiny of greatness. His family is unsupportive, to say the least. As a matter of fact, they try to kill him. He finds himself a slave to a powerful man. Blessed with grace, he is placed in a position of power, only to eventually be thrown in jail for an infraction of which he is innocent. Two years later, he is set free after the leader of a nation discovers he has special abilities. 13 years after his initial dreams of greatness, his destiny is realized--Joseph, youngest son of Israel (Jacob)-Genesis 37, 39-48

We all have a destiny that God has whispered, spoken, or yelled over our lives. It may be the awesome responsibility of being a parent, or perhaps traveling the world ministering to areas that have never heard the Gospel message, or maybe it's a stage in front of thousands sharing a testimony of redemption. Whatever the dream, know that God's timing is not your own. Some days will be high places that make you feel close to realizing the fulfillment of this dream. Some days are spent in prison, waiting for a promise to be kept.

It is in these YEARS of waiting, testing, building, breaking, growing, changing....that your faithfulness is being tested...

WAIT on the Lord....He will release your destiny when you are ready!!!!!

Lost and Found

3 weeks of searching and I found a church. Hallelujah, God is good. I've been floundering, feeling lost without the comfort of my amazing church family in Pensacola. I am firmly convinced that the people of Liberty will NEVER be replaced. That does not, however, mean that I am impervious to the need for the Body surrounding me, covering me, and keeping me accountable.

I should be joyful, victorious, celebratory...and I am...

But...

I still don't know where to go, and what to do next...

I love my family, but I can't stay here forever, and admittedly, they drive me crazy at times. The rest and ease financially is amazing, and part of me wants to curl up and take the easy road, while the rest of me longs to break free and LEAVE...again.

The pastor at my new church was extremely excited about meeting me today, wants to get me plugged in, leading worship, part of their team. I am grateful, but that means staying in east Texas...not exactly on my bucket list.

The World Race....11 countries in 11 months....massive missions work traveling the world...$15,500 in fundraising, leaving everything behind, pausing my seminary degree....this is a consideration. The things of this world are losing their hold in my heart, and I want to travel and serve others. Is now the time? Or is the opportunity simply exciting?

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Admittedly, the absence of a church family has taken its toll on me the last several weeks. Maybe I'm complaining, and maybe I'm confused, and maybe I should stop, because this is a season of rest....and I guess I just don't know how to sit, and be still, and WAIT...

Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart (Psalm 27:14)

In the Quiet

It's been awhile since I've posted anything, and it's because of the adjustments of moving. I never expected that I would have to give up the life I loved to move back home. When I left, I thought this life was dead. Apparently God wants to breathe life into it. In the past couple of weeks, a few learning experiences have been illuminated. I apologize if it seems somewhat scattered...

You are the light of the world (Matthew 5:14) - I am constantly surrounded by people that could be considered "unchurched." What a different world from the one where 99.9% of my friends were from my church. From my job to my family to my old friends, most of the people in my life are uncommitted believers. I am faced with the challenge of constantly making sure that I am exhibiting Kingdom principles, that my life is one that is above reproach, that in word, deed, and thought I am representing what Christ has healed and transformed in my own life. Going forth starts with going home in my case.

Be submissive to one another (1 Peter 5:5) - This is manifesting itself in the commandment to "Honor thy mother and father." I've been living my life the past couple of years under the teaching to be prepared to hate my parents to follow Christ (Luke 14:26). For that season, I needed to be independent and separated to immerse myself in what God had planned for me. This is a season of learning to submit to authority. I find myself subjected to the opinions of other's...opinions that I could ignore from halfway across the country. I repeat James 1:19 to myself: swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath...with an emphasis on the second part. Learning to respect the God-given authority when I do not agree is an exercise in self-control. But I am grateful for the lesson.

A servant is not greater than his master (John 13:16) - I have been serving the church for the last year, but service has taken on a greater meaning in my life. I'm not great at this, but I keep considering all the tasks I do, and I am trying to approach them as acts of service done in love for other people. It's no secret that I despise housekeeping, but I am reminding myself to consider every chore an act of service for someone else. It's a work in progress, but I find myself drawn more and more to the thought of greater service...missions.

Be still, and know that I am God (Psalm 46:10) - I read another blog today and read her thoughts on the still, quiet season. I am there. In the loss of worship that I loved so much, I find that there is a deafening silence. So now there is nothing: no worship team, no church family, no small groups. There is only my Bible, iPad, and prayer. I have been stripped to the elemental truth of the Gospel...left alone to hold tightly to my relationship with God...adrift in an unknown, yet too familiar environment. I am guilty of depending on the religious trappings to fill in the gaps of my own spiritual walk....it is all me, and all God. Sometimes there is fear of being weakened by this isolation, but then I dig in. There is no spiritual high, just a rest. Be still....

This is enough for now. I will try to be more faithful in blogging. I leave you with a song that has been speaking to me in the void; one of the last songs I worshiped to with the church I miss so much:

Letting Go

This is such an interesting experience...and when I use the word interesting, I mean INTERESTING. The range of emotions is weird, and different than I expected it to be. It has to do with people. There are some that I expected to miss that I do not. There are others than I almost forgot about, but now will not. Responses have been positive. There are some that I know I will never see again.

I came, I built relationships, some will last, but others will not. I will go, build relationships, some will flourish, some will not. It's the nature of life, this whole goodbye. There is something in me that is not built to say put...a restlessness that makes me want to be always moving. So now I go to Texas, but in the future, who knows?

I've got my directions from God, so that is what I'm going to do. Today, however, I finish letting go of this dream, the one I created for myself, the one I let capture my heart.

Goodbye Pensacola

Your Love Makes It Worth It All

This is a phrase from a Jesus Culture song that I absolutely love.

I don't want to leave. But He has called.

I promised everything...and I'm being asked to give up my independence, freedom, dreams...to go home. 

Home is where the heart is, and there are people I love immensely....

I need His music...in my heart, in my head, pouring forth from my hands and mouth...

His loves makes it worth everything, so long as I can rejoice and worship...

Reading Test

"There is a voice in my head telling me to go home...to Texas...after the summer, when I've done the things I've committed to do, the things I need to do, telling me to go home. I'm homesick in a way I've never experienced. I don't know what's coming, or what's happening. I don't know why I'm confused, sick, tired, spiritually drained. All I want is more of God, and all I seem to be experiencing is more confusion. I miss my mom, I miss my family, and in the nearly 2 years that I've been here, I've never felt that way."

4 days ago, when I wrote that, I could not have foreseen the events that would come. The events that would demolish everything I thought and had planned. This is not official public knowledge as of 10pm Tuesday evening, but it's fairly well known.

I'm going home.

I have been a confused mess for 48 hours trying to decide where my life was meant to go next. I've cried, I've prayed, I've sought God, and after much deliberation and overwhelming emotions, I feel at peace with moving back to Texas. This was not how I wanted to do things, and as a matter of humor, I had said I was never going back to Texas...silly me for trying to limit my awesome, powerful God.

Although logically this does not make a lot of sense, God is yanking me back there for some unknown. This is not the easy choice...as a matter of fact, it's the hard road. It's got a wilderness feel to it, but that's ok! Not perhaps in the wandering for 40 years part, but in the blind faith required to believe that God has something there for me that is mind-blowing.

Because I'm human and obviously fallible, I laid down a couple fleece like Gideon, and also got an unexpected confirmation this evening. I let some of my family in on this fact today, but in the process, one of my parents informed me that he'd had a dream that I was moving home. I cried...again.

The things I'm going to miss about this place are too numerable to describe, and there is a huge part of me that wants to stay.

God knows better than I...He has planned every moment of my life, and knows what He is doing...even when I do not.

Promises

...your testimony will change people's lives...January 2011

...thousands coming to Christ because of you...April 2011

Worship leader...January 2012 (God)

When the foundation has been ripped out from under you, sometimes the only thing to do is write out the promises that God has given. These are my promises...

The musician in me quotes it like this:

When the world is shaking and nothing stands...Refuge

The bible scholar says it like this:

For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord...Romans 8:38-9

What Is Going On?

It's been an interesting day. Interesting week, interesting life right now, to be honest.

I do not know what is happening.

I keep waking up, plugging in, pushing forward, and I have absolutely no idea what in the world I'm supposed to be doing. *This is going to be a mess* I said goodbye to a friend tonight, and I have a jumble of thoughts in my head. There was a sadness in me when I realized I will most likely never see this person again this side of heaven. I am so grateful that God maneuvered a chance to see him before he left, because that's exactly what it was. After I said my goodbye, I almost ran out the door for one last hug as I realized the truth that I'll never see him again. But I chose to sit silently and ponder a few things. My head mulled over recent events, my heart, what I want, and what I don't want. As I headed home from a great night with friends, the ever present screaming madness of my personal trial made itself known. In an effort to push it to the back (because it confuses me), I started thinking about the summer ahead. Several people that mean a lot to me are going to be leaving, and tonight was just the first of many goodbyes to come. Despite all the things I could say, I only have one question to ponder...

When the summer is over, and they are gone, will I want to be here in Florida?

There is a voice in my head telling me to go home...to Texas...after the summer, when I've done the things I've committed to do, the things I need to do, telling me to go home. I'm homesick in a way I've never experienced. I don't know what's coming, or what's happening. I don't know why I'm confused, sick, tired, spiritually drained. All I want is more of God, and all I seem to be experiencing is more confusion. I miss my mom, I miss my family, and in the nearly 2 years that I've been here, I've never felt that way.

I'm emotional, it's been a long week, interesting day, and, as always, I need sleep. God will answer my prayers, lead me in the right path, and calm my confusion. But I just needed to get that all out in the meantime.

He is Faithful

My great God often drops Scripture into my lap at seemingly random times. I find that these are impeccably placed into exactly the situation in which I find myself. Many of them are obvious "aha" statements that promise something wonderful, sometimes they come in the form of inspirational verses, and sometimes they hit hard and fast.

Thursday, May 10, 2012, 6:23am - Simon, Simon! Indeed, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail; and when you have returned to Me, strengthen your brethren (Luke 22:31-32).

All day long these words tumbled through my head. I'm a student of Scripture...I know the context in which they are said. But something pulls at me, begging me to dig in, to explore the meaning of these two verses in greater depth. To explore the fundamental truths that are inherent; truths that span a great deal of theology. In this process, however, is hope...

Simon, Simon - Ah Simon Peter...so much to be said! I usually identify more with Paul, feeling like my worst sins were committed behind me, but I think we are all a little bit Paul and a little bit Peter. Poor confused, mixed up, impetuous, disloyal, obnoxious Peter. The first disciple to call Jesus the Messiah (Matthew 16:16), and yet the one Jesus called Satan (v. 23). Peter, who vowed to go with Him to prison and death (Luke 22:33), but also the disciple who betrayed Him 3 times (Matthew 26:69-75). The one who jumped out of the boat to get to Jesus, but then sank under his fear (Matthew 14:22-33). We can learn so much from Peter, renamed as cephas (the rock) upon which Christ built His Church (John 1:40-42).

Satan has asked - And we find ourselves back into Job's dilemma: the enemy can only attack us when he is granted permission. Take that one in for a minute...if he has to ask permission, then God has to grant it for it to occur. Here we have the cast down angel "going to and fro on the earth, and from walking back and fro on it" (Job 1:7, 2:2)...I'm guessing he was bored perhaps? Nothing like a little human sport to spruce up an otherwise boring meander. The most difficult part for us to understand are the times when God says yes to this request...those hard seasons of struggle that we just don't seem to really understand. In the interior of our mind, WE are the ones who allow the attack. But from external places, only God allows this attempt to conquer His people.

to sift you as wheat - Before the days of modern industrialized farming, do you know how they sifted wheat? For those of you non-agricultural people like me, here's the scoop: wheat is kinda like a pea pod...all the good stuff is on the inside. The outside hard covering is useless. So the first step is to thresh, which consists of beating the harvested plant on concrete floors until it is loosened. Second is winnowing, which involves tossing the loosened plant into the air, where even the faintest wind will separate the heavy grain from the light useless chaff. His winnowing fan is in his hand, and He will thoroughly clean out His threshing floor, and gather His wheat into the barn; but He will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire (Matthew 3:12)...the chaff is useless. The light comes on...I definitely feel beaten at this point...

But I have prayed for you - Um, so you mean You said it was ok?????? Recalling the previous discussion about Satan's need for permission, our head drops, we meekly whisper our assent that permission has indeed been granted. God is letting this happen to you for a reason.

that your faith should not fail - For this the element of our salvation, the belief in our God, the belief that He is good, the belief that we can trust Him. And this realization of what is under siege is perhaps the most intense, for me. I have been gifted with extraordinary faith, and my greatest asset is the thing under attack.

when you have returned to Me - Finally, a glimpse of hope in this dark painful season...not IF, but WHEN...such a huge distinction in those two words. It is not a question of whether or not it will happen, only how long we will have to endure. No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it (1 Corinthians 10:13)...a refreshing promise in the dark.

strengthen your brethren - Which is one reason that I have taken the time to analyze these two verses in such great detail. We are going to be sifted!You may be experiencing this process of beating right now, or maybe you are in the stages of being tossed to and fro in a tempest. You may be spiraling downward into negativity, suspicion, emptiness, and confusion. Your faith is being tested; you hear lies whispered in your head that are so blatant that you actually laugh out loud in surprised shock. Your are enticed to quit, lured to self-destruct, seduced into believing that your life was easier, better, calmer before you walked with God. Let us hold fast the confession of our HOPE without wavering, for He who promised is FAITHFUL (Hebrews 10:23)

With a sigh I close my eyes, calmed at last from the weeks of spiritual torment that have infiltrated my mind.

It matters not, He is faithful.
I am weak, He is faithful.
There is escape, He is faithful.
I have hope, for He is faithful.

The Last Vestige of Hurt

I can't believe I'm blogging about this again...sitting here wondering if I really want to publish what I'm thinking...then here comes the fear, the thoughts that no one cares about my failures...I don't even care most of the time, but it sure makes for a great message on purity, redemption, restoration...AHA, I won't share it on social media outlets, and only the faithful will read...

Time is running out on the guillotine that hangs over my heart. I saw it on Facebook, and of course it must be official...he is leaving soon. It causes me to think about the last six months...the next six months. I began this self-imposed sabbatical from dating/relationships because I was tired of all the energy consumed. In retrospect, I think I needed these months for self-reflection, healing, and rest.

To pretend like it still doesn't hurt to see him every single week and remember all the pain is a lie. I push through, pray for peace, renewed forgiveness, compassion, wisdom, and all kinds of other things. For the longest time I've been saying that I wished he would hurry up and leave, but for the last month, I've actually believed it. I'm ready for this chapter of my life to be completed ended, completely closed. I'm ready to not be reminded of this mess every weekend. I'm ready to not care about his spirituality.

I'm ready to forget that he...I'm just ready to forget.

When we experience the loss of something, there must be a period of mourning. There is something about being bluntly reminded of it on a regular basis that does things to the process. In the five emotion continuum of denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance we get stuck somewhere between anger and acceptance. It took me a really long time to discover why I still get so mad every single time I see him. It led me to question my forgiveness for the whole entire situation. Then awareness came over me, and I read an article that spoke of the difference between forgiving the person, and forgiving the debt owed.

I am still working on that last part. I am still trying to figure out why any of it matters in the least. In the meantime, I wait hopefully for the day he leaves, knowing it will probably be emotionally traumatic, and at the same time, spiritually liberating. The healing process gets arrested every 7 days or so, and my friends wonder why I even bring it up, but there is something that makes me feel like I'm being taunted. As if I'm trapped in a nightmare that just keeps repeating itself.

He was never who I thought he was. But I'm still the same person who gives too much of herself away, then has trouble collecting all the pieces once they've been shattered on the ground. The time I've had, and the time I have left, are comforting, knowing that my heart rests firmly in God's hands, where it should. Knowing that I'm not being asked to take a chance on anything that isn't completely REAL. Knowing what it is to be loved entirely for exactly who I am...exactly who I am not.

Knowing that I can give every bit of myself away to the greatest love of my life and not have it handed back to me broken.

This is the reminder, this is the promise, this is me, being really transparent and vulnerable...and painfully honest, as always. In closing, 3 Doors Down These Days with a few excerpts for emphasis:

I think I was better off before this all began
So clearly I can see lately that you don't know who I am
Everybody tried to tell me something that I never could believe
Staring back it seems so much different than it did in front of me

But I know there's no good in looking back on yesterday
And wondering what could have happened then
You think you can give me what I want, you say
I think I 'm better off alone, these days

The Treasure

The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and hid; and for joy over it he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field (Matthew 13:44).

This is my favorite parable. Now, I know there are longer parables that are equally as fascinating, but what I appreciate so much about this particular one is that it communicates profound truth in a single verse. Jesus was really good at getting right to the heart of the matter, and this illustrates that so perfectly.

It is the heart of the matter that I find myself overly concerned about today. One of my favorite things about God (if there is such a thing) is the way He meets us sometimes in the strangest of places. It is often an intimately shocking, unexpected moment when He wraps our hearts in conviction and says, GO. Sometimes it is a crazy huge request that leaves us reeling, but sometimes, it is that simple gut punch that we need to go talk to someone.

Once a year, my church hosts our missionaries from around the world for an entire weekend of services, as they share what God is doing around the world in every nation (Mathew 28:19). This is my second year to experiences Missions Conference, and as I sat today waiting to hear a familiar voice speaking, I had that moment.

I have always said that if did international missions, I wanted to go to the Philippines. I have an extensive list of the why's, but that is not important at the moment. I entertain the idea of missions like I entertain the idea of a Mercedes...it's a great idea, but overwhelming. And of course, it's easy to be inspired by a conference featuring men and women who are out there doing it! At the same time, I usually just shrug off the thought and go on about my business.

Something profound happened today, although I am not sure at the direction it will go. A seed was planted in my own heart...as I listened to a missionary to the Philippines tell the story of his amazing miracle child, which brought tears to my eyes, I began to pay closer attention. And as his 8 minutes neared the halfway point, he spoke my favorite parable. It was as if time stopped for a minute, and then resumed as my pulse started racing. I cannot remember what was said the rest of his time, because I just felt a compulsion to talk to him.

So I sat through the other presentations, all the while trying to discern what I was supposed to say. At the end of the service, I wandered through to find him, intent on saying something because God was leading me to. As I made a quick stop in the bathroom, anxiety and fear began to overcome me. It was uncomfortable and unusual, and just reinforced the knowledge that I was supposed to have a conversation.

As I had a short talk with this missionary, I told him what had transpired, dropped a few sentences about myself, in rambling broken speech, after which he shared an anecdote about the time after college when he was searching for a position. He prayed for me, and I resolved to sit through the repeat of his presentation and pray over donating to his mission.

To end a long story (which seemed shorter earlier), I do not know what I committed to, other than a small monthly donation, but as I took my place on stage for second service, I was still battling the anxiety. I stood there, hands poised to play, and just reminded God that He had all of me, no matter what it cost or where it led.

I do not know why He moved so obviously in my heart today, or why I was attacked with fear and anxiety at the mere thought of a conversation, but I can only say that in some way, some how, some seed was sown today in my life, and I do not know where that will take me, but I have been convicted to pray heavily about the Philippines.

It's Not Leprosy

There is a time in every woman's life that is confusing in so many ways. Which one, you might ask?

Being single.

Before you stop yourself and think Oh this is just one of those pathetic single girl ,why don't I have a boyfriend, poor me I'm so lonely rants, I challenge you to keep reading. This is SO NOT THAT.

Last night I went to a lovely women's fellowship evening at my church. Unlike the normal format, this particular monthly meeting featured a panel of five women discussing the challenges of daily life. While I would first like to say that I am blessed beyond measure by the women I meet that pour out their knowledge and experience, there was something that left me unsettled...

They were all married moms. Which leaves me with some very disturbing/haunting thoughts:

Are we promoting a culture that devalues singleness? Are we teaching women that marriage is the only key to fulfillment? Are we saying that a woman does not have a voice until she has a husband and a child?

Those things are damaging. I am reminded of some very famous words:

...the form of this world is passing away. But I want you to be without care...the unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world, how she may please her husband...she is happier if she remains as she is, according to my judgment and I think I also have the Spirit of God...

The great apostle Paul, in 1 Corinthians 7, speaks to us about the state of being single. Even Jesus promoted celibacy in Matthew 19:12.

Again, I must pause and clarify: I am not some man-hating woman that wants to be single forever. On the contrary, I'd truly like to be married one day. Kids, well, I'll leave that one up to God!

What I do not want, is to be subtly told that I'm less of a servant, less of a voice, less of a person in ministry, just because I don't have a husband.

Because what if I don't ever marry? What about all the women who will never have a husband or kids? Are they banned from being powerful because they lack a husband? I think that Paul's words should echo and resonate in our churches, in our faith, in our spirituality. Yes, marriage is a beautiful thing, the closest relationship on earth to the one we have with God. But it is not an end state that makes everything perfect.

I do not have to choose between God and my husband, my kids, the laundry, the dishes, reading the Bible, quiet time with Him, committing to fellowship. There is no daily struggle between the other members of my fleshly family and God's will in my life. I am completely free to serve Him exactly as He commands. And THAT, my friends, is really a beautiful thing.

Friends...?

My church rests heavily on the concept of relationship...love, love, love, relationships...as a matter of fact, the sermon this past weekend was on our primary responsibility as Christians to love each other (John 15:12). Ok, I get it, I was convicted, and as usual I'm wrong.

Can we love people from a distance???

And what about the unlovable??? Rewind about 6 months, got a sermon on that too!

I've always believed in the statement that the majority of the friendships that we make are for a season, for a purpose, and that few and far between will stand the test of time. This is more than a theory, it is something I have seen played out in my life too many times to count.

Sometimes it's just better to love people in our prayer life, but not in real life. <--That may not be theologically sound, but it's my thought at this moment.

I can love you and not like you!

I can love you and know that you do not need to be around me!

I can love you and be sorry for my mistakes.

I can love you and pray for your every happiness.

I can love you and try to repair the friendship, but I cannot dictate your behavior!

I can love you, and let you go...and maybe it's for the best. In spite of Judas' decision to betray Him, Jesus still loved him, but he could not change nor dictate the choices he would make. He knew that Judas would betray Him, and still accepted the kiss on the cheek.

Herein lies the difference between friendship and ministry. A very wise friend of mine recently explained the difference to me, and the inherent problems in confusing the two. Close friends constitute a give/take relationship: you both pour in and out of each other. Ministry friendships are characterized by a give/give scenario on the part of one person. The most important thing to remember? Don't confuse the two!!!!!! I am painfully aware that I have been guilty of this recently, and am paying the price of failed relationships because of my inability to acknowledge and differentiate the two categories. In trying to rectify the friendships, I am encountering resistance and coldness. My fault for blurring the lines.

So what are we supposed to do with these people that used to be our friends? Keep loving them, obviously. Keep trying? Or does there come a point where you just let them walk away?

And the ones that have wronged us? Forgive, again, obviously. But what about...trust?

I can love you, and not trust you.

Unfortunately, this particular place right now has me isolating to the point where if I don't feel absolute and total trust in a relationship, I do not want to be around the person. In searching for a biblical answer to this dilemma,  I can only fall on Jesus' approach to time alone with the Father. He spent His last 3 years DOING life with the same 12 men, but he regularly went off on His own for prayer and fellowship with God.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding --Proverbs 3:5

My own understanding is a disaster of lies from the enemy, and a resulting awareness that I'm not sure who or what to believe right now. So if you're a fairly new friend, I'm sorry for avoiding you, I just don't know you well enough for this season. And if you're an old friend, God bless you, I love you, thank you, you are treasured more than you know for your faithfulness right now.

The Desert

For those that read:

I have been an unfaithful blogger lately. I apologize....life has gotten in the way. I am struggling to find the words to say that I don't know what to say. 

It's a rough season, but I've had rougher. 

I'm at burn-out levels, but I've burned out before. 

I'm irritated with people, but the ones that matter are still here. 

I'm confused about where God is leading, but I'm still following. 

I've gained weight, but I'm not doing anything about it. 

I've become inconsistent, but I'm learning to say no. 

I have nothing to say, but I'm still talking.

I have come to realize that life is incapable of offering me any joy.

My prayer life goes something like this:  I'm sorry that I suck lately...I don't know what is wrong with me...I  *sigh* don't know what to say...Please help me...

Music and His written promises are my existence...He is the only thing that makes sense, even though I am not faithful...I know He is here, but I can't feel Him, so I have to dig in harder, and listen to what He has already said...

When people pray for me, I want to laugh at the futility...

When I read devotionals, I feel empty...

When people ask how I am, I say "rough season" and leave it alone...

When He blesses me, I am humbled...

Even the vessels of Him that have sustained me before have become useless...there is no TRUTH other than Him...

I want to surrender, but I feel like everyone is watching me...

I want to worship from the brokenness, but I have to keep it together to play...

I want to retreat, but I keep getting caught in multi-hour ministering conversations...

I want to be weak, but there is a strength bubbling up in me that won't stop...

And He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness. Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.--2 Corinthians 12:9

My latest excuse for my inability to be perfectly on target lately...?

*shoulder shrug*...There's grace for that...

Never think that any part of me can do any of this...I don't know what I'm doing, and I'm confused every minute of the day...as I rest in Him, I realize that none of this matters, that all these words on this screen, going up into public view on the vast measure of the internet, probably make zero sense, and that I don't really care. 

This is me, living in the life God called me to, in all of its messiness, getting out of bed one foot at a time, and saying "GO" to this life, trudging through the crap with my cross, begging like Jesus in the garden for this cup to pass from me, all the while knowing that when I said the words "Use me," I was signing up for this, asking for God to prune me, shape me, mold me, break me, change me, USE ME, every moment, of every day, and if my insane, rambling, cacophony of thoughts about this brief season rings a bell with even one person, then I have been obedient...