Open the Floodgates

The dam has officially broken, and I can NOT stop crying.

I try to be mostly encouraging and positive here, but I just don't have anything left today.

It seems like the harder I push, and the more I try, the more resistance I come up against. And I am

frustrated

exhausted

overwhelmed

The irony of the particular situation that has me here is not without notice. My car is broken down and I was supposed to start working this week. Just reading that makes me feel kinda silly. 

I bought the car, and the problem is something that was specifically repaired when I bought it. I paid for the parts, and had the work done so I wouldn't have this problem. Everything is still under warranty, but the fact of the matter is that I don't have the extra cash to pay for the labor. The guy who repaired it initially was the seller, and he will do it again, but he's out of town until Friday. So I'm stuck.

As for my job, after spending $130 for the legal hoops to get this tutoring job, and finally getting all the paperwork submitted, I was assigned 5 students on Friday of last week. I had appointments with 3 of them this week, and now I have to reschedule. I was going to be resourceful and ride the bus to my appointments, cause it's really not that big of a deal, but I can't find my prepaid bus fare. And again....kinda in a cash slump at the moment. Hence the reason I really need to work.

I'm just angry and irritated and confused and upset because everything was looking up, and I really need to start working, and I really need my car to do that, and it just crashed in on me today. And I've been managing and holding on to a positive attitude thus far, but I don't have anything left. 

I even screamed at God, Why are You letting this happen right now after everything else over the summer? Why now? When everything is falling into place, and things are starting to work, why is the rug being pulled out from under me? Through some pretty hysterical tears, to be honest.

And not that this matters, but I pretty much was done when I went to get dressed and couldn't find the strapless bra I needed. It's a little thing...

I just feel like everything is conspiring against me to ruin the things that I desperately need to do right now.

Does God not want me to have this job? Is there something else that I need to be doing? 

I Would Rather

I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.--Philippians 3:14

This is one of my power verses, for it speaks of the goal of my life here lately. Paul had it right, because he talks about pressing in to accomplish his desired end.

Seminary school is hard.

I'm going to just throw that out there, because the reality is that I could NOT do this without His guidance and will in my life. I am smarter than any one person should realistically be (not arrogance, just a fact), but seminary transcends the limits of intelligence. Unlike secular education and knowledge, the added trial of spiritual warfare shows its ugly face every semester.

God is molding me to be stronger with each test.

This is my 3rd semester of intensives, and I am taking 3 classes (Systematic Theology I, Old Testament I, and Church History I). 8 weeks to acquire, apply, and utilize that much knowledge is probably insanity, but God makes this possible. Classes don't officially begin until Monday, but I am already ahead of the game! It is a Saturday night at 10:45, and while many of my contemporaries, and likely fellow believers, are spending the time in enjoyable pursuits, I have been doing schoolwork.

I have completed all of my reading and work for OT, chosen my research topic and first article to critique for THEO, and completed the discussion board post for HIST. I am thanking God for this time. The title of this entry speaks to the fact that I would rather be doing this than anything else.

I haven't forgotten about "The Truth" posts, but this comes first. Looking at what God creates in my life to accomplish His will strengthens me in the temptations that I face. Reading about the patriarchs and their faith and God's reward reminds me that living according to His will is far superior to my own perceptions of happiness.

God is good...why do we forget that sometimes in deference to our own wants?

The Greatest

And He said to him, 'You shall love the lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.--Matthew 22:37-40

The original Greek text of this passage uses the word agapeseis, the root of which is agapao, which directly translates to mean "to love." Not love as a feeling, but love as an ACTION. You don't experience love, you DO love. Love is a choice. We choose God, we choose to love others, just as God chooses to love us.

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.--1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I don't know if you've ever chosen to love someone this way. Not the unconditional love that comes with families, the kind that says "I have to love you, but I don't have to like you." There's an awareness that we are required to love these people with whom we share biological or genetic or familial connections. Beyond the basic choice to love, is the choice to do so unselfishly. It's the most painful and exhilarating way to interact with another human being. It's the ultimate in forgiveness, in turning the other cheek, in saying to someone,

"I don't care what you've done, or who you are, I love you, flaws and all, no matter what you do or say."

This kind of love does not come naturally to us. It's the complete antithesis of God's attribute as an ethical being, comprising holiness, righteousness, and love. Of course, humanity being fallen since the entry of sin, we are born running from this perfect expression of love. We try to love other people on our terms, conditionally, saying that they are only good enough when they act in the ways we want. This is not love.

What would it cost you to not care about what they do, or how they let you down, or the pain they cause? 

What would it cost you to love them anyway?

Would it cost you your pride, your feelings, your tears, your time?

Would it cost you your life?

If you're not willing to sacrifice the last one, then it's not really love. Our lesson in love comes from Jesus, as He died on the cross for us. Real love is Jesus hanging on a cross, bleeding and thirsty, alone and bereft, taunted and ridiculed, and saying to us,

"I don't care what you've done, or who you are, I love you, flaws and all, no matter what you do or say."

My love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between

The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel

The times that you've questioned, "Is this for real?"

The times you've broken, the times that you mend,

The times you hate Me, and the times that you bend,

Well My love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between

These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks

The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace

The times you're hurting, the times that you heal

The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal

In times of confusion and chaos and pain

I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame

I'm there through your heartache, I'm there in the storm

My love I will keep you by My power alone

I don't care where you've fallen, where you have been

I'll never foresake you, My love never ends.

If You Ask Me I'm Ready

I've been staring at this blank screen for almost 24 hours, knowing that I've got something to say, but honestly unsure about how to begin. I know once the words start flowing that it will all come out the way it's supposed to. For the moment, picture an old black and white photo of an individual, staring pensively into space, smoke billowing into the room, just looking for those words.

I am SO NOT perfect.

But in the spirit of the fourth beatitude, I long for holiness. It started out as what God can do for me, and stayed that way for 30 years. Then it became what I could do for God. It's no longer about doing or becoming, but about resting in what has already transpired. I doubt this is making much sense.

I've been married twice. And I've been divorced twice. The past...is the past. And for so many reasons, I adopted this "never again" standpoint. I'm not good at being married, I can't have kids, monogamy isn't natural (yes, I said that), Mathew 19 is so harsh on divorce and I've already screwed up, Jesus and Paul promoted celibacy...etc. But God created things to be a certain ideal way, and the person I am constantly becoming gets closer and closer to His plan.

His grace is sufficient for ME.

I believe in a God that redeems. Every single sin. This isn't to blindly say that grace is free, on the contrary, it's going to cost you everything. It's going to cost you your life, because the only way to transparently and honestly enjoy grace, is to recognize that you must hand over all of you to God. All of your dreams, all of your wants, all of your hopes, all of your failures, and everything that selfishly demands control. I get a really good laugh out of the fact that when I realized God's plan for my life, I thought I had it figured out. I was wrong, as usual. To be honest, I get pieces of the puzzle of what God is doing in me. So I don't know what He wants...but I know what He says.


Then the Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him." -- Genesis 3:18

From the very beginning, God realized that we, as humans, need companionship. But it's not even that simple, because being alone is not the same thing as being lonely. We must find fulfillment in our relationship with God, and learn what love really is, before we can begin to love others. Yes, I'm talking about marriage. Whew, that was a little scary, just putting it out there on the page. I would be insane not to be a little afraid of the concept, after all, it's not exactly my forte. Only God can heal what is broken. I thought that I deserved to be alone because I had already ruined the sacrament. But God doesn't punish...He redeems.

I want...

Perhaps my biological clock is running away with my mind. Or perhaps I just get it for the first time ever. I'm not lonely, for I have learned to find the utmost joy in solitude. I don't feel like something is missing, but I want to go deeper. I see this amazing and beautiful spiritual union that God has designed for two people, and I yearn to have that with someone in this life. Someone to completely share my crazy love for God. A man that does his part as a man of integrity, thereby allowing me to be the helper, to be the bones and flesh of him, strength and weakness in complement to another, to share that naked vulnerability that comes in relationship to God. Someone that will say, "I've put God above all others, and so have you, so let's do this together." A Godly life is a marathon, and I want a permanent running partner.

Perhaps I sound coy, but I'm not trying to be. This is really difficult, and goes so deep, that the words are lost inside my psyche. I thought that this wasn't for me, but I've come to the realization that God puts these desires inside our heart for a reason. I can't worship God 24/7 in this life, because this world is broken. And I wait (somewhat impatiently) for the day that I can sit at His feet and overflow with praise and adoration. Whether in heaven or the kingdom to come, I will have that opportunity. To worship God forever in complete abandon. The fact remains that I probably have about another 50 or so years here in this body, and I want to spend them with a man that longs for the same thing. I want to share this life experience of being enamored of God with someone who knows my secrets, and would give anything for me, as I selflessly and unconditionally love them for all their flaws and perfections. I want to intimately share with another person what I share with God. And there's more...

Be fruitful and multiply.--Genesis 9:7

What?!? Yeah, me too. It isn't that I don't think children are amazing, on the contrary, I think they're completely awesome. Nothing makes me more happy than holding a baby, or cuddling with my nephew, or watching an animated movie with him. They're like these precious little bundles of perfect joy. Everything about children is a complete miracle. Which is where my hesitation arises.

Some of you know what it is to hear a doctor tell you that what is supposed to work effortlessly is broken. To stare at an ultrasound screen and see that the medication failed. To hold your breath after 28 days only to be crushed when mother nature reminds you again that the most basic of biological functions is a foreign concept. To undergo tests and procedures, only to be told that everything is fine structurally. To try, and try, and just be SAD because maybe you'll never know what it is to conceive a child, and feel it growing, and to see the blessing of a miracle when you look at that child's face.

So I did what I do best, and I just bounced off the pavement. I went on the offensive and decided that I was not going to play the fertility game ever again. That I was going to choose not to ever have kids, because then I was in control of the situation. To never get married because I didn't want to burden someone else with my own loss.

With my own failure.

Millions of people battle infertility, and I realize that I am in no way special or unique. But I know that my God is mighty in all His glory, and that Jesus has paid the steep price of sin and death and destruction, even that within our own bodies. I could stride into this world bold and alone, and set it on fire. It just doesn't feel right. I was made for this, women were made for this. We were designed as a help, a companion, an equal, a creator within God's own creation. I keep finding myself back at Proverbs 31...she is a wife, a mother, a businesswoman, a homemaker...and she loves the Lord with all her heart. She is all things, as she was made to be.

It's not like I have any prospects for even a date, let alone marriage and family. But as I strive to become more holy, more righteous, I seem to embrace the life God promised us. God redeems women in our salvation history, He rewards the faithful, and His every purpose is to bring glory to His name. I truly have no idea what He's going to do with me, but I am confident and assured in the fact that His perfect will be done, that He will take these things inside my own heart, things He put there, and turn them into something that is good and holy.

Back Where I Come From

So I went back to Texas last week for a family funeral. It was nice to see my family, take a break, reboot my brain. It makes me all the more appreciative of living in Florida, and of the life I chose.

This kiddo is amazing. And those are sunflower seeds. I taught him my habit. Well, it was hilarious, he tried to crack the shells, but really couldn't. Then he began to eat the whole thing! My mom asked me why I didn't crack them for him, but that would take forever! Maybe we'll try again next year haha.

Cooper is probably the love of my life...just sayin! 

Baby feet!!!!!

He became obsessed with collecting acorns. I don't know what the deal was, but he would gather a bunch, and then throw them. He's got an amazing arm for a 3 year old, and he's ambidextrous. He asked me to take a picture of these, so I made him get in the picture. Silly kid!

Play time with Pops!

The extent of my photography skills. I perched him in a tree and told him to hang on. I'm so glad he didn't fall out!

He spent an hour playing in the dirt. I thought I might add some water so he would have mud, but my mom vetoed the idea. He's a boy! 

Precious-ness.

The view from my parents' front porch.

A colorful Texas sunset.

My fellow genius, twin from another mother Paige. It was so good to see her and catch up. It's been so long!

This is my city, don't knock it til you've tried it. The triangle building in the back is my favorite, it looks way better close up.If I could relocate Dallas to the shore of Pensacola, I would never leave.