Wonderstruck

I am in complete and total awe at the stunning love I feel when God gently pulls me closer. It's mind-blowingly amazing, and I'm just bursting at the seams in happiness. 

Jesus, our God, Great and mighty to be praised.

And praise I shall, from the depths of my heart. I keep throwing myself down in front of the cross when I'm praying, realizing that I am a horrible person, and so incredibly grateful that the blood of Jesus covers me. I understand His role as Mediator so much more now than I ever have before. When I feel I am lacking in something (a character trait perhaps), I can call on His name, and He comes to my rescue. Teaching me how to do the things I am not strong enough to do on my own. Guiding me in a path of holiness that I alone could never attain. Jesus is my mentor.

God of all days, glorious in all of Your ways.

Oh and God is truly glorious. The magnitude of His magnificence is immeasurable in words. I have always considered Him as a loving Father, welcoming me into His arms in comfort. For the first time in my life, I've felt a sternness. I am forced to use Jesus as my liaison. God still listens, but I've been fed the lie that He has turned His face from me. I'm sinking into His presence, knowing Him more daily, but still yearning for more.

Your majesty, the wonder and grace, in the light of Your name.

So I come back into the fold, reconciled with God by the blood of Christ. Calling on the name of Jesus to intercede on my behalf. It's the perfect relationship, completely beyond those in this world. To be awed by God, to be forgiven, and cleansed of all stain. 

I think perhaps we are like the white wall of my favorite visual sleep-aid. It works by placing a white wall in front of your line of vision, and keeping it from becoming cluttered with words, images, or colors. It's actually quite frustrating, because our tendency is to transmit our thoughts onto that blank canvas. I find myself repeatedly clearing it, until I become frustrated. The next thing I know, I'm waking up...so it works! The comparison comes because I am like that white wall, trying desperately hard to stay clean, but constantly messing it up, only to have to erase and start over. God promises that our sin will be forgotten when we repent with all our heart. We are only horrible people when we refuse to accept God's perfect presence. 

The Proverbs 31 Woman

In light of the recent year, I sat down last night and began some new goal setting. I wish I could find the workup I did last summer on said goals, but it seems to have disappeared (along with an entire book of stuff I wish I could find!). In any case, one must always begin with long term (5-10+ years) goals, and work backwards, creating mid-range and short-term goals that align with life plans. In the spirit of evolving towards a better person, one of my life goals is to become the Proverbs 31 woman. Let's see how I'm doing...

Am excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far above jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
Well, I don't have a husband, but it is something that I pray for in the future. I want to be the kind of wife that is supportive, complementary, and respectful of the headship of my husband, as he is respectful of the headship of God.

She looks for wool and flax
And works with her hands in delight.
She is like merchant ships;
She brings her food from afar.
She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And portions to her maidens.
She considers a field and buys it;
From her earnings she plants a vineyard.
This woman is not afraid of work, spends her money wisely, and profits from her investments.

She girds herself with strength
And makes her arms strong.
She senses that her gain is good;
her lamp does not go out at night.
She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hands grasp the spindle.
She takes pride in her strength and success, all the while knowing that success is the result of effort.


She extends her hand to the poor,
And she stretches out her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid of the snow for her household,
For all her household are clothed with scarlet.
She makes coverings for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
This woman is concerned with the plight of others. Clothing herself and others in the colors of red and purple, signifying the sacred nature of her home. The veil in the temple of the Old Testament was woven in red and purple, colors which traditionally signify purity (as through the blood of Christ) and royalty.


Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies belts to the tradesmen.
Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the future.
This woman seeks to be a positive reflection upon her husband, working diligently and projecting peace and prosperity. She approaches the future with grace and hope, knowing that her ways are assured in the Lord.


She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
This is where I fall the most short. I do not always speak wisely, and I sometimes have to bite back sarcasm. Idleness is my biggest downfall, and I'm known to be lazy.


Her children rise up and bless her;
Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:
"Many daughters have done nobly,
But you excel them all."
Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
Give her the product of her hands,
And let her works praise her in the gates.
It's not that I desire to be blessed and praised by others, but to be pleasing in God's eyes. A woman should toil diligently in the kingdom of God, taking care of the charge He has given her, ever working towards the strength and presence espoused in Proverbs.

A parallel of biblical womanhood is that of biblical manhood as found in Job 31. This is not my focus, however. I will work on me, and let God take care of the rest.

It's a Photo Story!

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. -- Proverbs 4:23

Start with a heart.

Well, maybe smash it a little and put it back together.

Jesus holds it in His hands.

Build a fortified castle around it.

Add a moat.

Filled with vicious piranhas. 

And man-eating crocodiles.

With a dense covering of landmines.

Surrounded by barb wire fence.

Ok, so I now have 7 types of defense...do you think that's enough???

The Return

Perhaps it's time to stop hiding from the world.

It was such a lovely, delicious thing. For every external thing that I say, ten more are swirling around internally. To turn all of it inward has been...interesting. I have decided to join the land of the living (aka facebook) once again. My experiment led me to discover a few things.

One....facebook has its uses. Invitations to events being the most important.

Two....I needed a facebook intervention. Even now, knowing it's active, I feel an odd twitch in my left eye. Not really, but close!

Three...5 minutes, and I was better off before. Nothing to be done about it now.

Life goes on.

I just keep taking the blows, invisible to everyone else, but each one melting through my fake smile, concussing through my body, seeping into my bones, dragging the energy out of me, taking more, stealing pieces of my sanity. It's funny how a hurt feels. It slams into you like a wave, then washes over you, leaving an ache all over, until it centers, somehow, in the specific physical region of your heart. There it settles, and kind of pulses with each beat, successive ebbs of pain that get a little fainter each time. After a few minutes, a dull ache remains, so the smile gets pasted back on, and you pick yourself back up, hoping the shockwaves are small.

So here I sit, all these little pieces of me in my hand, holding them up to God and crying, "Please fix me." I'm the only one paying this price right now. Which adds another dimension to this experience. I can only take it to God...even when I feel like I want to talk about it....exactly who am I supposed to go to? I've never run across any person who has been able to say, "I have been there" and really have been here.

Sometimes I just want to scream...this is not the life I ordered!


I don't even mind that it's hard....it's supposed to be. But on days like today, when the cross I bear is more than I can carry, when my knees are weak and I'm stumbling, and all I want to do is cry (which I don't do much), I just don't know what to do.

Except turn off the lights, crawl in bed, and pray harder than I ever have before. Get up, grab a kleenex, write it down (or type it out), and keep going.

Now where is my $200??