Newlywed bliss is not exactly bliss. There, I said it, and before someone thinks that I'm miserable, please let me explain. I love my husband; he's a wonderful, incredible, Christ-chasing man that challenges me, encourages me, and loves me when I am very unlovable. The problem is ME!!!! The problem is learning to move from full-time student/part-time employee/worship-centered daughter of the King, to student/housekeeper/sex goddess/ prayer warrior/chef/wife/writer/lover/pursuer of Christ/reader/learner/listener/teacher/ communication genius/musician/roommate/laundromat/humble selfless woman. And I know that for many women, there's the added role of mom, but that's not me...yet.
But this is HARD. I've been in the habit for a very long time of avoiding things in life that I wasn't great at from the beginning. I am so...not...good...at this. I know that God always calls us beyond ourselves to test our faith and reliance on Him alone, and I'm so desperate everyday for the energy, courage, perseverance, and patience to let Him mold me into a great wife. I have tried to avoid Proverbs 31 because I'm pretty sure it's laughable at this point. And I know I'm a newlywed and that everything takes time. But I have just felt like everyone pretends that its an easy transition, and to be honest, it's just not. There are moments and days where being married is the greatest thing...and then there are moments in my prayer closet where I wring my hands and wonder why I am not better at being a wife.
As I read blogs about housekeeping, and pray incessantly for heavenly help, I wonder how many other new wives feel the overwhelming pressure to be perfect? I laid in bed last night trying to sleep, worrying about my failures, and suddenly it hit me that I don't even know who I am right now! My personality has changed some, and I feel lost in all my new roles and how I should act. At the core of it all, is the sense that God is breaking me down again, to show me how to be unselfish, to show me how to love when it's hard, to stick when I want to run and hide, and that when everything else falls away, I'm still just His beloved daughter. No other titles, roles, or jobs supersede that simple fact.
My great friend pointed me towards an amazing worship album a few months ago by IHOPKC and there are a few words that keep reverberating in my ears:
When it's all been said, when it's all been done, when the race is run, well it all comes down to love.....did you learn to love, is what He will ask of me (Measure of a Man). Oh...yeah...the first and second greatest commands involve love (Matthew 22:37-40). We are nothing without it, no matter what else we accomplish (1 Corinthians 13). Real love dies to self for the benefit of another (John 15:13). My greatest lesson in kingdom living will come from my marriage.
All is for Your glory, that in all things You will have the first place, that in all things You will have preeminence...so put me anywhere, just put Your glory in me, and I'll serve anywhere, just let me see Your beauty (All is For Your Glory). The purpose of marriage isn't for my happiness or benefit, anymore than my education, musical talent, or writing ability. Everything I've been given is for the sole purpose of making so much of God. How small and petty for me to forget that I am not the center of this plan. I don't know the full purpose of what our marriage will do. Nor do I see the glory in barely surviving as a new wife. I do trust, however, that there is something brewing in God's redemptive plan that makes it worthy of bringing glory to Him, and that's enough for me.
So thanks for letting me ramble and rant, and I would love to hear about your experiences as a new bride!
When it's all been said, when it's all been done, when the race is run, well it all comes down to love.....did you learn to love, is what He will ask of me (Measure of a Man). Oh...yeah...the first and second greatest commands involve love (Matthew 22:37-40). We are nothing without it, no matter what else we accomplish (1 Corinthians 13). Real love dies to self for the benefit of another (John 15:13). My greatest lesson in kingdom living will come from my marriage.
All is for Your glory, that in all things You will have the first place, that in all things You will have preeminence...so put me anywhere, just put Your glory in me, and I'll serve anywhere, just let me see Your beauty (All is For Your Glory). The purpose of marriage isn't for my happiness or benefit, anymore than my education, musical talent, or writing ability. Everything I've been given is for the sole purpose of making so much of God. How small and petty for me to forget that I am not the center of this plan. I don't know the full purpose of what our marriage will do. Nor do I see the glory in barely surviving as a new wife. I do trust, however, that there is something brewing in God's redemptive plan that makes it worthy of bringing glory to Him, and that's enough for me.
So thanks for letting me ramble and rant, and I would love to hear about your experiences as a new bride!
