Priorities

Oh it's that time again folks. Week 6, welcome to the insanity. This time around I have added busy-ness in my life to increase the stress level. I suppose I will just run down the list in a boring fashion with nuggets of thought interspersed.

Research papers - As usual, I have 2 research papers to write in the next 3 weeks, with other exams and essays and reading to do, of course. After finishing the paper on hell that has been plaguing me for the last week, I'm now turning my attention to the following topics: Job 38-42 and God's Response, and the Spiritual Gift of Tongues. It's time to buckle down and say goodbye to my social life.

Social life - Speaking of said social life, hmmm, yeah, something worth noting...I had a small disagreement with the person I've been sorta dating. Since that happened 4 days ago, he has been gone on a weekend trip, and I feel like I've been forgotten. In the process of these last couple of days, I've reintegrated myself into my normal single life, and had a realization that could be painfully misconstrued. I have come to realize that with this particular man, I would turn myself inside out. I am different around him, and not in a bad way, or in any way that is somehow less, just different. I have a friend that talks to me about splitting your heart between God and your husband once you're married, and I can see somewhat what she's talking about. For whatever reason, this man makes me want to do crazy, insane things...the concept of what I would sacrifice for him is exhausting. Which is terrifying for me, because I like my single life with God just fine thanks!!!!! So I'm sitting in this place right now where I'm torn....between wanting to just crawl into God and forget dating anyone, because I value this relationship too much, or giving myself over to the design He created.

New job - Overwhelming stress in this particular area. I mentioned a few days ago that I had been offered a new job, and that I had turned in my notice at my current job. What I didn't mention, are the anxieties plaguing me about this new chapter in my life. I currently work part time at a daycare in the afternoons, and I float around filling in wherever I am needed, and doing chores. I received an offer last week for a full time position (6:30-2:30) leading a 2 year old class at a Christian daycare. I am beyond ecstatic, and at the same time, completely freaking out. I'm not ready to be responsible for my own class, I've only been doing this for 3 months, and as an assistant! How am I supposed to integrate a full-time job into my already packed schedule? What in the world am I doing? I have no idea how to do this! These are my thoughts and fears on an hourly basis as I consider what is coming in 2 very short weeks. I have completely stepped out in faith on this, because I am painfully aware that I am not equipped for this. But I did not seek out this job, it came to me, and I trust God completely, even though I am scared out of my mind. SCARED...OUT...OF...MY...MIND.

Ministry - I participate in several different things that I consider to be personal ministry opportunities. I lead small groups, participate in prayer and other small groups, play on the worship team. These things are all great, but I'm starting to feel spread thin, and I'm getting the sense that it's time to focus and down-size. I stepped down from nursery a month ago, and while I miss the babies so much, I know that God is bringing me to a very specific place. He has called me to worship, and that is where my heart lies. On a really brilliant, awesome, positive note, I have begun singing also, and for the first time ever this weekend, I reached a place where the technicality of the music fled from my mind and it was all about that moment of loving God. It was stunning, and I'm hoping to get even more comfortable with that place as He continues to do this awesome work in me. This week is spectacular, because I have two more opportunities to participate in worship with events at church. I'm even leading a song tomorrow night, and while I'm nervous, I'm also excited to get out of the way and let God do His thing. With this, however, comes the reality that I am not superwoman, and that it's time to let go of some other things. I am saddened by this, but over the next several months, I feel that I need to transition out of leading in other areas and put my energy, time, and abilities into this role that God has prepared me to assume for my entire life. Seriously, more on that to come.

So this is today, and I'm sick and not in the best of moods,  but I'm just gonna pray and get on with the business of this amazing, beautiful, messy life that God has blessed me with!

Being Wooed

He will quiet you with His love...Zephaniah 3:17

God's love....what is it???

I am fully aware that it manifests differently for each person based on their unique, personal relationship with God. For me, it's more like a romance...hear me out. A lot of people like to think of God as the Father, and I definitely do, but it's so much more! As a female especially, there is a part of God's love that is a sweet wooing. As a matter of fact, the word woo means to sue for the affection of and usually marriage with. He is absolutely seeking my affection, and we know that the church is the bride of Christ. Those two statements are easily fulfilled in His love!

I have heard it said many times that our earthly conception of fatherhood is not even close to applicable to God's true role as our father. I think that's very true. In a perfect world, with a Godly father who embodies everything that it should be, there would be a part in a woman's life where he courts his daughter to teach her about how the man in her life one day should and will treat her. For some of us that didn't have fathers like that, God comes in that place and makes it the sweetest love affair imaginable.

He wraps his overwhelming presence around me sometimes, like the most intimate embrace that flows like a warm current to every nerve ending. He gives me gifts that astound me and blow my mind with their absolute perfection and benefit. He answers my prayers as requests of the deepest places of my heart when I ask with childlike innocence and faith. He fights my battles, slays my dragons, and defends my honor. He pursues me with a steadfast and passionate love, and teaches me that this is how I should expect any man that wishes to be my husband to treat me.

He doesn't hurt my feelings, let me down, or make me cry. And while there are definitely physical aspects that He obviously does not fulfill....the love that He showers on me is breathtaking, romantic, and brilliant. He woos me like a devoted father to his daughter, showing her what she is worth. It's the greatest love story I will ever experience.

I'd rather be here with You, my King than anywhere else on earth...This pleasure with You is greater than anything this world can offer me...Forever and a Day (Bethel)

Something Unusual

This may be a mess...

I feel overwhelmed, crazy, sad, stressed, and confused about why I am feeling all these things.My life is, admittedly, pretty insane right now. Things are changing rapidly, and I'm starting to feel as if I cannot keep up.

I got a new job, so I turned in my notice at my current one yesterday. The new one is definitely one of those things that is above my own natural abilities, but I am confident that God provided this opportunity, so I am stepping out in faith, even though I have a million insecurities about what is coming.

Part of what is coming from that is time...I don't have enough, and it's starting to get me. I'm feeling the stress and the crunch. Added to that is this book review that I need to write by Sunday night...on the subject of hell. Yes, I said hell, as in the metaphorical place described in the Bible. I am getting hit with some pretty intense spiritual warfare, and have been since I began reading the book. A weird, depressed, sad, mood that is extremely dysfunctional, and trying. I just want to lay my head down and cry.

So just pray for me....I need all of God, as always, but this time I'm specifically asking others to intercede for me. That's all, have a blessed weekend!!!!!

Biblical Whammies

I should really be writing a 500 word critique right now, but (as is often the case) I am rendered stuck until I get this off my chest. One of my friends posted an entry about why she blogs, and for the life of me, I sometimes wonder who I'm doing this for. That is not the topic I am concerned with today.

I've been getting bombarded with a couple of biblical truths here lately. Over the past few days, the same verses keep appearing, in schoolwork, devotionals, emails, conversations, small groups, so I'm aware that God is obviously speaking something to me that I should explore.

For man does not see as God sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord sees into the heart.--1 Sam. 16:7...This one first came up in this amazing study of David that I'm participating in with a group of women. On first look, I'm just grateful that God sees what's in our heart, because sometimes our actions and appearance do not provide a true mirror. The first part, man does not see as God sees, is a stunning truth about human nature. When people look at us, or we look at others, we often don't pause to consider what's inside that person. We just take who they are at face value, often assuming that they are something they are not. In a brilliant stroke of God's grace, I am usually able to see people for who they are...it's somewhat of a gift that I have, the ability to see who people really are, especially weaknesses. Because I often see truths of their heart, I tend to stand up for people who exhibit outwardly negative behaviors, but have better intentions. To be honest, I'm not sure what point God is trying to drive home with this one...I know that it's more important to seek a person's heart, that what lies in that place is often unmatched by the exterior. Is it my own heart, perhaps, that is the purpose of this verse coming at me from several directions?

Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do, because I go to My Father. And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask anything in My name, I will do it.--John 14:12-13..This one makes a lot more sense right now, for myself, for a group of women I'm leading in a small group, and for a particular situation of deliverance. This is an amazing promise of gifting! A quick perusal of the Gospels give us a wide range of miracles: healing, casting out demons, raising from the dead, etc. These are things that are promised to followers of Christ....this is so important to who we are in His kingdom! If we are his chosen people, royal priesthood, and holy nation, then it is our responsibility and right to do these works!!!!! It only works, however, if we embrace it in complete faith and trust...knowing that God will do as He promised!!!!!

In closing, go seek out some hearts, and cast out some demons!!!!

Peace Three

I ended the last portion with the phrase, "It's not fair..." Sometimes I use the poor me attitude, and Sunday was one of those moments. It's in the after, however, that the real peace came to me. I chose the titles for this story based on a play on sounds of the words piece and peace. The truth is that the experience of last year, the dysfunction of the relationship, the hurtful, destructive things that happened, left me shattered in pieces. As soon as I would put everything back together and let God start to heal, something else would break. It was exhausting. In the three months since I have put this behind me, peace has become something that is easy to experience, and I am healed and set free.

In the midst of all this emerged something that has taken me by surprise. I'm not exactly a people person, although I often do a good impression of it. I tend to prefer a few intensely intimate friendships to having a large amount of superficial ones. These people mean the world to me, and are there for good days and bad ones. I had a lot of bad days during all this, and although many people were there to hold me up, there is one that was always there when it fell apart most. It's funny, because I didn't realize it until recently.

Every time said person let me down, in big huge massive ways, this person was my rock, my shoulder to cry on (literally), and somewhat randomly just THERE. The experience I recounted was no exception, but the difference this time, was that this person was the only one that I wanted to be there for me. Quickly, and to the point, I realized one major truth about fairness and reality:

With the person I mentioned, I am happier, more fulfilled, and more intimately honest than I ever was in the past, or than the past is presently (most likely) with his new girlfriend. Just because they were holding hands and looking happy, does not mean that they have a relationship built on enduring, lasting love and affection...but I do!!!!! 

Maybe my situation is a little complicated and confusing, but I don't really care, because at the heart of this friendship is genuine friendship...something which is deserved and earned, and incredibly uplifting...something that he does not have. And so now I am able to simply shrug off the events of Sunday, pray that those two act righteously, and enjoy and embrace what I have, which is immensely better!!!!!