Worship

I've been sitting here relaxing on this New Year's eve, listening to worship music preparing myself for church this weekend. I play the keys, it's pretty cool. So I make a playlist on YouTube every week of the songs and just listen to them on repeat.

It hit me today what it really means to lead worship, and that is the fact that you're standing up there, completely transparent, loving God for everyone to see.

Completely transparent...showing a vulnerable side of yourself.

Worship needs to be done with emotion, passion, adoration, and exultation.

Happy New Year!

My Favorite Holiday

I don't do New Year's resolutions.

Mainly because I realize that we set ourselves up for failure expecting so much just because the earth circled the sun one more time. I do, however, love the concept of a new year, and a fresh start. I've always said that New Year's Day was my favorite holiday, and it still is. I make it a lazy day, a day of reflection, and a day of expecting big things for the next year. Maybe it's kinda silly, but for me, it's like a big RESET button that comes around every 365 days.

As the day draws near, I still feel that new thing lingering on God's horizon for me.

About 4 months ago, I ordered several books from Amazon, and one of them sat on the shelf until this week. Blame it on school, or whatever, but I've realized it is (as always) God's perfect timing. It's a book about fasting, and I'm torn writing this, because I'm remembering Jesus' words in Matthew 6:16-18 about not fasting for outward appearances, and I'm most definitely not. The funny little thing about this timing, is that the author of the book leads a corporate fast at his church at the start of every new year. I am inspired, to begin my own.

I'm not going to be specific, because this is my thing with and for God, but I'm eagerly looking for clarification in my life. I am confident that I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now, and that God has richly blessed me in the last couple of months (my whole life truthfully). However, I feel as if I'm on autopilot, without knowing my destination.

There are a few prayers I'd like answered as well. I just feel the need to push in right now, to go deeper, to saturate myself in His presence as much as possible.

New Year, new start...make it count!!!!!

Merry Jesus Christ-mas

365 days can bring about radical change. Never be persuaded otherwise. There's only one person, however, that can do such a stunning feat.

Today we're celebrating His birthday.

The privilege of this holiday is the fact that it all exists for one purpose: the birth of Jesus.

Have a beautiful, blessed, wonderful Christmas.

This song speaks to me of what Jesus meant to Israel...I've been in the Old Testament for over 2 months...what can I say? 

Hurry Up Already!!!

I heard someone say the other day to stop working on your weaknesses because we're weak at doing them! Perhaps there is room for a little chuckle here, but it almost makes sense. Sure, we should strive to become better at the things in which we lack, but what if maybe we shouldn't? Maybe we should just ignore those things, give them to God, and work on the things that we're already good at.

I'm terrible with patience.

Even when I'm trying to be impatiently patient, I do a poor job. I'm a instant gratification junkie, and I've been known to make a decision out of poor options rather than wait for a good one to come along. Granted, I've improved, but there are still areas where I should just throw in the towel.

Now, I know that God's timing is impeccable, and mine is crap. Got that. But I find myself sometimes saying, "can't we just hurry up and get to that part?" I'm wishing my life away, and that's not something I want to do. Instead of waiting patiently, I'm praying for days to pass more quickly, and the end result to be nearer.

So patience, maybe I should quit trying so hard and just embrace impatience and pray for God to fix it.

I don't like uncertainty, either, but I can save that subject for a different day!

The Big Blue

 People often ask me, Why did you move to Pensacola? This is the answer:

That's me, October 2009, on my first trip to Pensacola. Perhaps I should give a little bit of background information. Diving was my thing, literally, it was the only thing. I fell in love with it about the same time my marriage fell apart. Fill the void, right? I was in super dive training mode after that. Diving is the most amazing experience on the planet, and I still feel that way to this day, but back then, it was still kinda new, and I was obsessed. I went from Open Water class, to Advanced, on my way to becoming a Divemaster. At this point in time, I had just finished Master Diver class (tons of physics and diving to 100ft in a cold, black lack in Arkansas), and four of my diving classmates and I had decided to take a little weekend trip to Pensacola to dive the famous Oriskany. It was my first time in the ocean, and it blew my mind. So I made up my mind that I was going to move to Florida...eventually. Fast-forward 10 months, and I decided to do it. Happy 30th birthday, welcome to my new life as a scuba bum...

Seriously....the plan was to move here, work to make just enough money to dive, and live the dream. That's me the week I moved here. Things did not go as planned...I made some costly mistakes, and put myself in a position that was really unhealthy. In order to fix it, I had to step away from this thing that I loved the most. I've been diving 7 times this year...I used to dive every single weekend. There have been times throughout the last year that I have been desperately sad that I'm not in the water. And oh how I've longed for that complete escape from reality that it always brings me. But this has not been a year of escaping from reality....far from it. It's been a year of learning to let go. That's the reality, pay attention...sometimes we have to release something that we love intensely, so that God can do something wonderful. 

And maybe I've learned how to find that nirvana outside of the water, in the random moments of life that God completely fills up. To take that freeing feeling of zero gravity (see picture above) and translate it to life. I began to wonder if I would ever be able to dive like that again. The most likely answer is NO, because I have too many other responsibilities. But I'm going to get close. The beauty of this attempt, is that it is for God's glory and purpose...not my own. 

There are only two populations in the world that get to regularly experience life without gravity. By the way, gravity is my favorite of all natural laws, but not something that can be contained within this particular post. Two populations: astronauts and scuba divers. What an amazing sensation! And there is nothing more awesome than floating along in the big blue with a 200lb sea turtle and barracuda hanging out next to you. And then they give you this look like..."what a weird fish!" There is a daunting variety of life hidden beneath the surface of water that not very many people get to see. And it's my passion. So now I get to share it with other people, which is what life is all about...relationships!

In January, our new small groups are kicking off at church. When I first moved from Blue Angel to the North campus, there was a diving group that popped up in announcements from time to time, but never really went anywhere. So God presents an opportunity to take the skills and knowledge He has given me, and use them for His benefit. I am a divemaster, which means that I'm educated and certified to lead other divers around (no small feat, let me tell you!). And I have contacts and information about the local dive industry. So, starting in February, this small group will be diving twice a month and having a fellowship dinner once a month. It's not just about diving with other believers, however, because I know a ton of divers that won't step foot in the doors of a church, so it's an excellent opportunity to reach people who maybe wouldn't otherwise be involved with God. 

So tell your friends, like the facebook page HERE, and watch for coming announcements and activities. I'm excited to get back in the water for the right reason! And just as a bonus, my favorite sea turtle of all time:

Life Less...

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. - Isaiah 43:19

I hear this verse in my head all the time these days...God in my head, saying I am doing a new thing Stacey. So much of it is outside my comprehension, and although I know something is happening, I'm not entirely sure what that something is.

On the way to work this afternoon I saw the most incredible rainbow. It was such a dreary, rainy day...perfect for sleeping in til noon, which I did! But there it was, remarkably brilliant against the backdrop of gray rain. Completely formed across the entire spectrum of light, in a complete arc. It was a perfect moment of beauty.

I perceive that something is coming, that God is bringing me to some unknown place. That now is a period of resting, of waiting, of being content with things just as they are.

Is it wrong to feel bliss in the laziness? As someone who is obsessed with being busy all the time, it's almost confusing to have free time. This isn't coming out right today...

I'm empty, but I feel full...

Perhaps that is the point right now.

A Little Tease of What's Coming...

I have a million things to say...well, at least a hundred. My mind is all a jumble at this point, though, and I've still got two days of school to get through. For a bit of good news, though, it's looking like 2 A's and 1 B....considering that the past couple semesters have been rather sad in comparison, I'm pretty excited. But I'm not finished yet, and those projections are based on finishing two more exams and one more research paper.

Then, maybe, I'll be able to spill out everything that's going on right now. Here are a few hints, for myself to remember as much as for you to expect!

• Freedom (which I mentioned about a week ago)
• Moving and my new roommate
• Scuba diving small group (oh yeah, it's back!)
• Crafting: painting and some reupholstering projects
• Royalty...I'm super excited about this. It's based on a book by Kris Vallotton from Bethel, and he's sending me the book and the workbook to preview. I think this is going to be a mind-blowing, life changing small group.
• What my job means for my future
• New friendships

In the meantime, I re-posted something from August. It's hidden in the files, but you're more than welcome to help yourself to a little bit more of the past, in my current absence. This place keeps getting more personal, but I'm just hoping that maybe someone will read something that I've had to struggle through, and find some sort of help. The reason for our trials, after all, is to show God's magnificent glory in overcoming life's heartaches.

I hope everyone is staying excited and strong this holiday  season. Remembering the real reason for celebration, whose birthday it TRULY is, and not to let the concept of Jesus ruin who He really is. In the spirit of it being almost Christmas, I'll post one of my newly found favorite songs to celebrate His birth.

Same Old Song and Dance

It's week 7, and I'm feeling the stress, the pain, the crunch that I always feel. At this point, I've experienced this just enough to be slightly dangerous to myself.

The writer's block is there, but I'm just pushing through as hard as I can. I have 3.3 papers left to write (because I've managed to almost finish one) in 10 days. One of them is a 12-15 research paper that I know is going to hurt my brain. But it's not due til next Friday. There is another long research paper to write, and I just found out I have to scrap everything I had and start from scratch...it's due Sunday. The third is a short (5 page) literary analysis of an OT passage, also due Sunday. Added to that all the normal reading, writing, and testing that happens every week. I was ahead when the semester started, and here I am, behind again. I just keep praying for endurance.

Added to that, I'm sick - I think I have the flu - and I don't really want to do anything except sleep, but I have way too much schoolwork to do to even consider that. Every morning I wake up and want to just lay there and rest my poor sick body, but my mind starts screaming at me to finish all the above mentioned work. I'm sure the stress is not helping my physical condition at all.

Oh, AND, I'm still extremely broke. Suffice to say that I'm still trying to not have my phone or electricity turned off. I work, I donate plasma (probably why I'm so sick), and I eat ramen noodles. Why is this so hard???? I hate being poor. As a side note, and why not, right? There is a button at the bottom of this page to support my blog. If you happen to be feeling in the generous Christmas spirit, I could most definitely use the help.

Last, of course, the 6 week "curse" came last week. I should probably explain this just a little bit. The guy from the truth posts has previously infiltrated my situation every single semester in week 6. Each time in the past, it has thrown me for a tailspin emotionally and spiritually, and in succumbing to the obvious temptation, I did myself in. True to form, something happened last week. I got this, hmm, I guess it was a letter, of semi explanation, and requesting forgiveness. Seriously, COULD YOU NOT HAVE WAITED UNTIL AFTER THE SEMESTER WAS OVER????? My initial response still, is "why bother?" I did not, and do not, need an explanation. The apology was nice, but in asking my forgiveness, I was obligated to respond.

The freedom (blog post on that coming soon) that I have gained since cutting the ties has been amazing and marvelous. I don't want to go back to the bondage I was living in before. Every time I see him now, I want to quote Jesus and say, Get behind me Satan! Now, I'm not saying in any way that this person is the devil, but we all know that he uses other people, even Christians, to harm us. And the enemy loves to use this particular person against me. I don't care if I have to hide for the next two weeks, but I am closing my eyes, plugging my ears, refusing to let even a hint of communication sway me from the path I chose. The Bible says flee from immorality, and I think about Joseph and Potipher's wife.

Just, ugh...on all fronts right now. Completely directed at Satan's attempts to ruin God's calling in my life, as he always does, every semester, faithfully at the 6-8 week mark. I hate that guy.

Early Morning Miracle

I realize perhaps it's a small thing, but to me, it was huge! Allow me to give you a little background information. Several months ago, God answered a very specific prayer for me: I needed more time to study, and time with Him. The answer: goodbye full-time job with benefits...goodbye safe salary. Needless to say, I have been learning to trust in Him for financial provision, which has been scary, to say the least. Yeah, I get student loans, but seriously, sometimes things are just tight.

Therefore, I started donating plasma a couple of weeks ago. Money is money, and that's the equivalent of two tanks of gas a week. So this morning, I was on my way at 6:30 to give away said plasma. I knew that my car was on empty, and I also knew that I didn't have a dime to my name (let alone a penny), so I just trusted that it would work out ok. As my car ran out of gas a few miles from my house, I realized exactly how far I can go once the red warning light comes on.

As I pulled my car off the road, I couldn't figure out how to turn on the hazard lights. So I'm sitting there in my car, it's cold, out of gas, at 6:48am, googling where the switch is located on my car. I really can't think of anyone to call, because it's so early! After turning on the hazard lights, still incredibly calm, I just started praying.

Jesus, please send me a good Samaritan.

A woman stopped, named Christina (of course) and asked if I had called anyone. At this point, I started to cry, because I knew my prayer had been answered. I told her my little story, and she told me she was going to run home, get a gas can, fill it up and come back. She was so incredibly kind, and I just couldn't stop crying. She also gave me $10 to get more gas.

I wasn't crying because I was upset, but for the simple fact that He is so freaking faithful! Here I am, completely dependent, and boom, He answers my prayer the minute it goes up. It's a tiny thing, like I already said, and maybe some people will scoff at this story. The reality, however, is that it's the little things like this, the small answered prayers, that touch me the most, and make me realize that He is in EVERY SINGLE part of our lives. He wants every piece of us, and when we let go, and give it up, He provides perfectly.

Our God is AWESOME!!!!!

Blessings

I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.-Philippians 4:12

I think the word "season" is overused in Christian circles, but since the wise king Solomon used it, I shall do the same. It has been a hard season. I'll say it again, a hard season. Although I never wondered how it would turn out, because I knew that God had His hand on me the whole time, I often wondered when it would end. When you spend four months stumbling through a fiery trial, it's easy to believe that it will go on forever. I can attest to the fact that even four months can feel like eternity.

I realize that comparatively speaking, it wasn't really THAT bad. Some of it I perpetuated out of my own stubbornness. Some of it was the culmination of things already set in motion. The hardest part, however, was the feeling that no matter how hard I tried to do the right thing, I encountered opposition at every turn. The past is done, however, and I am starting to truly feel like I've turned the page on this wretched experience. It was a pruning, and it hurt.

I can finally breathe, though! Things are not as complicated or as difficult or as confusing as they have been. God is dropping amazing presents into my lap, and I feel the joy of the moment, instead of wondering when the bottom will fall out. I'm still getting hit with the predictable school-related spiritual warfare, but I'm so irritated with the enemy's tactics at this point that laughter comes more naturally in his face.

I have a better understanding of who I am, what I'm worth, and what I'm not. God has liberated me from some old chains.

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A tie to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war, and a time of peace.
--Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

The last four months have been a season of dying, killing, breaking down, weeping, losing, throwing away, tearing, hating, and war. These days, and I say this with some caution, are for laughter, dancing, embracing, gaining, speaking, love, and peace.

My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.--James 1:2

My joy was almost constant, even when it appeared that I was breaking. My endgame was always the same eternity with the King. It's just nice to be able to smile more often!

As a final note, thank you to those who stood beside me, never letting me fall too far. You know who you are.

Open the Floodgates

The dam has officially broken, and I can NOT stop crying.

I try to be mostly encouraging and positive here, but I just don't have anything left today.

It seems like the harder I push, and the more I try, the more resistance I come up against. And I am

frustrated

exhausted

overwhelmed

The irony of the particular situation that has me here is not without notice. My car is broken down and I was supposed to start working this week. Just reading that makes me feel kinda silly. 

I bought the car, and the problem is something that was specifically repaired when I bought it. I paid for the parts, and had the work done so I wouldn't have this problem. Everything is still under warranty, but the fact of the matter is that I don't have the extra cash to pay for the labor. The guy who repaired it initially was the seller, and he will do it again, but he's out of town until Friday. So I'm stuck.

As for my job, after spending $130 for the legal hoops to get this tutoring job, and finally getting all the paperwork submitted, I was assigned 5 students on Friday of last week. I had appointments with 3 of them this week, and now I have to reschedule. I was going to be resourceful and ride the bus to my appointments, cause it's really not that big of a deal, but I can't find my prepaid bus fare. And again....kinda in a cash slump at the moment. Hence the reason I really need to work.

I'm just angry and irritated and confused and upset because everything was looking up, and I really need to start working, and I really need my car to do that, and it just crashed in on me today. And I've been managing and holding on to a positive attitude thus far, but I don't have anything left. 

I even screamed at God, Why are You letting this happen right now after everything else over the summer? Why now? When everything is falling into place, and things are starting to work, why is the rug being pulled out from under me? Through some pretty hysterical tears, to be honest.

And not that this matters, but I pretty much was done when I went to get dressed and couldn't find the strapless bra I needed. It's a little thing...

I just feel like everything is conspiring against me to ruin the things that I desperately need to do right now.

Does God not want me to have this job? Is there something else that I need to be doing? 

I Would Rather

I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.--Philippians 3:14

This is one of my power verses, for it speaks of the goal of my life here lately. Paul had it right, because he talks about pressing in to accomplish his desired end.

Seminary school is hard.

I'm going to just throw that out there, because the reality is that I could NOT do this without His guidance and will in my life. I am smarter than any one person should realistically be (not arrogance, just a fact), but seminary transcends the limits of intelligence. Unlike secular education and knowledge, the added trial of spiritual warfare shows its ugly face every semester.

God is molding me to be stronger with each test.

This is my 3rd semester of intensives, and I am taking 3 classes (Systematic Theology I, Old Testament I, and Church History I). 8 weeks to acquire, apply, and utilize that much knowledge is probably insanity, but God makes this possible. Classes don't officially begin until Monday, but I am already ahead of the game! It is a Saturday night at 10:45, and while many of my contemporaries, and likely fellow believers, are spending the time in enjoyable pursuits, I have been doing schoolwork.

I have completed all of my reading and work for OT, chosen my research topic and first article to critique for THEO, and completed the discussion board post for HIST. I am thanking God for this time. The title of this entry speaks to the fact that I would rather be doing this than anything else.

I haven't forgotten about "The Truth" posts, but this comes first. Looking at what God creates in my life to accomplish His will strengthens me in the temptations that I face. Reading about the patriarchs and their faith and God's reward reminds me that living according to His will is far superior to my own perceptions of happiness.

God is good...why do we forget that sometimes in deference to our own wants?

The Greatest

And He said to him, 'You shall love the lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.--Matthew 22:37-40

The original Greek text of this passage uses the word agapeseis, the root of which is agapao, which directly translates to mean "to love." Not love as a feeling, but love as an ACTION. You don't experience love, you DO love. Love is a choice. We choose God, we choose to love others, just as God chooses to love us.

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.--1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I don't know if you've ever chosen to love someone this way. Not the unconditional love that comes with families, the kind that says "I have to love you, but I don't have to like you." There's an awareness that we are required to love these people with whom we share biological or genetic or familial connections. Beyond the basic choice to love, is the choice to do so unselfishly. It's the most painful and exhilarating way to interact with another human being. It's the ultimate in forgiveness, in turning the other cheek, in saying to someone,

"I don't care what you've done, or who you are, I love you, flaws and all, no matter what you do or say."

This kind of love does not come naturally to us. It's the complete antithesis of God's attribute as an ethical being, comprising holiness, righteousness, and love. Of course, humanity being fallen since the entry of sin, we are born running from this perfect expression of love. We try to love other people on our terms, conditionally, saying that they are only good enough when they act in the ways we want. This is not love.

What would it cost you to not care about what they do, or how they let you down, or the pain they cause? 

What would it cost you to love them anyway?

Would it cost you your pride, your feelings, your tears, your time?

Would it cost you your life?

If you're not willing to sacrifice the last one, then it's not really love. Our lesson in love comes from Jesus, as He died on the cross for us. Real love is Jesus hanging on a cross, bleeding and thirsty, alone and bereft, taunted and ridiculed, and saying to us,

"I don't care what you've done, or who you are, I love you, flaws and all, no matter what you do or say."

My love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between

The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel

The times that you've questioned, "Is this for real?"

The times you've broken, the times that you mend,

The times you hate Me, and the times that you bend,

Well My love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between

These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks

The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace

The times you're hurting, the times that you heal

The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal

In times of confusion and chaos and pain

I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame

I'm there through your heartache, I'm there in the storm

My love I will keep you by My power alone

I don't care where you've fallen, where you have been

I'll never foresake you, My love never ends.

If You Ask Me I'm Ready

I've been staring at this blank screen for almost 24 hours, knowing that I've got something to say, but honestly unsure about how to begin. I know once the words start flowing that it will all come out the way it's supposed to. For the moment, picture an old black and white photo of an individual, staring pensively into space, smoke billowing into the room, just looking for those words.

I am SO NOT perfect.

But in the spirit of the fourth beatitude, I long for holiness. It started out as what God can do for me, and stayed that way for 30 years. Then it became what I could do for God. It's no longer about doing or becoming, but about resting in what has already transpired. I doubt this is making much sense.

I've been married twice. And I've been divorced twice. The past...is the past. And for so many reasons, I adopted this "never again" standpoint. I'm not good at being married, I can't have kids, monogamy isn't natural (yes, I said that), Mathew 19 is so harsh on divorce and I've already screwed up, Jesus and Paul promoted celibacy...etc. But God created things to be a certain ideal way, and the person I am constantly becoming gets closer and closer to His plan.

His grace is sufficient for ME.

I believe in a God that redeems. Every single sin. This isn't to blindly say that grace is free, on the contrary, it's going to cost you everything. It's going to cost you your life, because the only way to transparently and honestly enjoy grace, is to recognize that you must hand over all of you to God. All of your dreams, all of your wants, all of your hopes, all of your failures, and everything that selfishly demands control. I get a really good laugh out of the fact that when I realized God's plan for my life, I thought I had it figured out. I was wrong, as usual. To be honest, I get pieces of the puzzle of what God is doing in me. So I don't know what He wants...but I know what He says.


Then the Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him." -- Genesis 3:18

From the very beginning, God realized that we, as humans, need companionship. But it's not even that simple, because being alone is not the same thing as being lonely. We must find fulfillment in our relationship with God, and learn what love really is, before we can begin to love others. Yes, I'm talking about marriage. Whew, that was a little scary, just putting it out there on the page. I would be insane not to be a little afraid of the concept, after all, it's not exactly my forte. Only God can heal what is broken. I thought that I deserved to be alone because I had already ruined the sacrament. But God doesn't punish...He redeems.

I want...

Perhaps my biological clock is running away with my mind. Or perhaps I just get it for the first time ever. I'm not lonely, for I have learned to find the utmost joy in solitude. I don't feel like something is missing, but I want to go deeper. I see this amazing and beautiful spiritual union that God has designed for two people, and I yearn to have that with someone in this life. Someone to completely share my crazy love for God. A man that does his part as a man of integrity, thereby allowing me to be the helper, to be the bones and flesh of him, strength and weakness in complement to another, to share that naked vulnerability that comes in relationship to God. Someone that will say, "I've put God above all others, and so have you, so let's do this together." A Godly life is a marathon, and I want a permanent running partner.

Perhaps I sound coy, but I'm not trying to be. This is really difficult, and goes so deep, that the words are lost inside my psyche. I thought that this wasn't for me, but I've come to the realization that God puts these desires inside our heart for a reason. I can't worship God 24/7 in this life, because this world is broken. And I wait (somewhat impatiently) for the day that I can sit at His feet and overflow with praise and adoration. Whether in heaven or the kingdom to come, I will have that opportunity. To worship God forever in complete abandon. The fact remains that I probably have about another 50 or so years here in this body, and I want to spend them with a man that longs for the same thing. I want to share this life experience of being enamored of God with someone who knows my secrets, and would give anything for me, as I selflessly and unconditionally love them for all their flaws and perfections. I want to intimately share with another person what I share with God. And there's more...

Be fruitful and multiply.--Genesis 9:7

What?!? Yeah, me too. It isn't that I don't think children are amazing, on the contrary, I think they're completely awesome. Nothing makes me more happy than holding a baby, or cuddling with my nephew, or watching an animated movie with him. They're like these precious little bundles of perfect joy. Everything about children is a complete miracle. Which is where my hesitation arises.

Some of you know what it is to hear a doctor tell you that what is supposed to work effortlessly is broken. To stare at an ultrasound screen and see that the medication failed. To hold your breath after 28 days only to be crushed when mother nature reminds you again that the most basic of biological functions is a foreign concept. To undergo tests and procedures, only to be told that everything is fine structurally. To try, and try, and just be SAD because maybe you'll never know what it is to conceive a child, and feel it growing, and to see the blessing of a miracle when you look at that child's face.

So I did what I do best, and I just bounced off the pavement. I went on the offensive and decided that I was not going to play the fertility game ever again. That I was going to choose not to ever have kids, because then I was in control of the situation. To never get married because I didn't want to burden someone else with my own loss.

With my own failure.

Millions of people battle infertility, and I realize that I am in no way special or unique. But I know that my God is mighty in all His glory, and that Jesus has paid the steep price of sin and death and destruction, even that within our own bodies. I could stride into this world bold and alone, and set it on fire. It just doesn't feel right. I was made for this, women were made for this. We were designed as a help, a companion, an equal, a creator within God's own creation. I keep finding myself back at Proverbs 31...she is a wife, a mother, a businesswoman, a homemaker...and she loves the Lord with all her heart. She is all things, as she was made to be.

It's not like I have any prospects for even a date, let alone marriage and family. But as I strive to become more holy, more righteous, I seem to embrace the life God promised us. God redeems women in our salvation history, He rewards the faithful, and His every purpose is to bring glory to His name. I truly have no idea what He's going to do with me, but I am confident and assured in the fact that His perfect will be done, that He will take these things inside my own heart, things He put there, and turn them into something that is good and holy.

Back Where I Come From

So I went back to Texas last week for a family funeral. It was nice to see my family, take a break, reboot my brain. It makes me all the more appreciative of living in Florida, and of the life I chose.

This kiddo is amazing. And those are sunflower seeds. I taught him my habit. Well, it was hilarious, he tried to crack the shells, but really couldn't. Then he began to eat the whole thing! My mom asked me why I didn't crack them for him, but that would take forever! Maybe we'll try again next year haha.

Cooper is probably the love of my life...just sayin! 

Baby feet!!!!!

He became obsessed with collecting acorns. I don't know what the deal was, but he would gather a bunch, and then throw them. He's got an amazing arm for a 3 year old, and he's ambidextrous. He asked me to take a picture of these, so I made him get in the picture. Silly kid!

Play time with Pops!

The extent of my photography skills. I perched him in a tree and told him to hang on. I'm so glad he didn't fall out!

He spent an hour playing in the dirt. I thought I might add some water so he would have mud, but my mom vetoed the idea. He's a boy! 

Precious-ness.

The view from my parents' front porch.

A colorful Texas sunset.

My fellow genius, twin from another mother Paige. It was so good to see her and catch up. It's been so long!

This is my city, don't knock it til you've tried it. The triangle building in the back is my favorite, it looks way better close up.If I could relocate Dallas to the shore of Pensacola, I would never leave.

Wonderstruck

I am in complete and total awe at the stunning love I feel when God gently pulls me closer. It's mind-blowingly amazing, and I'm just bursting at the seams in happiness. 

Jesus, our God, Great and mighty to be praised.

And praise I shall, from the depths of my heart. I keep throwing myself down in front of the cross when I'm praying, realizing that I am a horrible person, and so incredibly grateful that the blood of Jesus covers me. I understand His role as Mediator so much more now than I ever have before. When I feel I am lacking in something (a character trait perhaps), I can call on His name, and He comes to my rescue. Teaching me how to do the things I am not strong enough to do on my own. Guiding me in a path of holiness that I alone could never attain. Jesus is my mentor.

God of all days, glorious in all of Your ways.

Oh and God is truly glorious. The magnitude of His magnificence is immeasurable in words. I have always considered Him as a loving Father, welcoming me into His arms in comfort. For the first time in my life, I've felt a sternness. I am forced to use Jesus as my liaison. God still listens, but I've been fed the lie that He has turned His face from me. I'm sinking into His presence, knowing Him more daily, but still yearning for more.

Your majesty, the wonder and grace, in the light of Your name.

So I come back into the fold, reconciled with God by the blood of Christ. Calling on the name of Jesus to intercede on my behalf. It's the perfect relationship, completely beyond those in this world. To be awed by God, to be forgiven, and cleansed of all stain. 

I think perhaps we are like the white wall of my favorite visual sleep-aid. It works by placing a white wall in front of your line of vision, and keeping it from becoming cluttered with words, images, or colors. It's actually quite frustrating, because our tendency is to transmit our thoughts onto that blank canvas. I find myself repeatedly clearing it, until I become frustrated. The next thing I know, I'm waking up...so it works! The comparison comes because I am like that white wall, trying desperately hard to stay clean, but constantly messing it up, only to have to erase and start over. God promises that our sin will be forgotten when we repent with all our heart. We are only horrible people when we refuse to accept God's perfect presence. 

The Proverbs 31 Woman

In light of the recent year, I sat down last night and began some new goal setting. I wish I could find the workup I did last summer on said goals, but it seems to have disappeared (along with an entire book of stuff I wish I could find!). In any case, one must always begin with long term (5-10+ years) goals, and work backwards, creating mid-range and short-term goals that align with life plans. In the spirit of evolving towards a better person, one of my life goals is to become the Proverbs 31 woman. Let's see how I'm doing...

Am excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far above jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
Well, I don't have a husband, but it is something that I pray for in the future. I want to be the kind of wife that is supportive, complementary, and respectful of the headship of my husband, as he is respectful of the headship of God.

She looks for wool and flax
And works with her hands in delight.
She is like merchant ships;
She brings her food from afar.
She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And portions to her maidens.
She considers a field and buys it;
From her earnings she plants a vineyard.
This woman is not afraid of work, spends her money wisely, and profits from her investments.

She girds herself with strength
And makes her arms strong.
She senses that her gain is good;
her lamp does not go out at night.
She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hands grasp the spindle.
She takes pride in her strength and success, all the while knowing that success is the result of effort.


She extends her hand to the poor,
And she stretches out her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid of the snow for her household,
For all her household are clothed with scarlet.
She makes coverings for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
This woman is concerned with the plight of others. Clothing herself and others in the colors of red and purple, signifying the sacred nature of her home. The veil in the temple of the Old Testament was woven in red and purple, colors which traditionally signify purity (as through the blood of Christ) and royalty.


Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies belts to the tradesmen.
Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the future.
This woman seeks to be a positive reflection upon her husband, working diligently and projecting peace and prosperity. She approaches the future with grace and hope, knowing that her ways are assured in the Lord.


She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
This is where I fall the most short. I do not always speak wisely, and I sometimes have to bite back sarcasm. Idleness is my biggest downfall, and I'm known to be lazy.


Her children rise up and bless her;
Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:
"Many daughters have done nobly,
But you excel them all."
Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
Give her the product of her hands,
And let her works praise her in the gates.
It's not that I desire to be blessed and praised by others, but to be pleasing in God's eyes. A woman should toil diligently in the kingdom of God, taking care of the charge He has given her, ever working towards the strength and presence espoused in Proverbs.

A parallel of biblical womanhood is that of biblical manhood as found in Job 31. This is not my focus, however. I will work on me, and let God take care of the rest.

It's a Photo Story!

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. -- Proverbs 4:23

Start with a heart.

Well, maybe smash it a little and put it back together.

Jesus holds it in His hands.

Build a fortified castle around it.

Add a moat.

Filled with vicious piranhas. 

And man-eating crocodiles.

With a dense covering of landmines.

Surrounded by barb wire fence.

Ok, so I now have 7 types of defense...do you think that's enough???

The Return

Perhaps it's time to stop hiding from the world.

It was such a lovely, delicious thing. For every external thing that I say, ten more are swirling around internally. To turn all of it inward has been...interesting. I have decided to join the land of the living (aka facebook) once again. My experiment led me to discover a few things.

One....facebook has its uses. Invitations to events being the most important.

Two....I needed a facebook intervention. Even now, knowing it's active, I feel an odd twitch in my left eye. Not really, but close!

Three...5 minutes, and I was better off before. Nothing to be done about it now.

Life goes on.

I just keep taking the blows, invisible to everyone else, but each one melting through my fake smile, concussing through my body, seeping into my bones, dragging the energy out of me, taking more, stealing pieces of my sanity. It's funny how a hurt feels. It slams into you like a wave, then washes over you, leaving an ache all over, until it centers, somehow, in the specific physical region of your heart. There it settles, and kind of pulses with each beat, successive ebbs of pain that get a little fainter each time. After a few minutes, a dull ache remains, so the smile gets pasted back on, and you pick yourself back up, hoping the shockwaves are small.

So here I sit, all these little pieces of me in my hand, holding them up to God and crying, "Please fix me." I'm the only one paying this price right now. Which adds another dimension to this experience. I can only take it to God...even when I feel like I want to talk about it....exactly who am I supposed to go to? I've never run across any person who has been able to say, "I have been there" and really have been here.

Sometimes I just want to scream...this is not the life I ordered!


I don't even mind that it's hard....it's supposed to be. But on days like today, when the cross I bear is more than I can carry, when my knees are weak and I'm stumbling, and all I want to do is cry (which I don't do much), I just don't know what to do.

Except turn off the lights, crawl in bed, and pray harder than I ever have before. Get up, grab a kleenex, write it down (or type it out), and keep going.

Now where is my $200??

Unconditional Love

You will know you love someone when you want him or her to be happy, even if his or her happiness means you are not a part of it.


I saw this quote today, and immediately it hit home to me. A lot of people throw around the love word like it has little meaning, and at times in our society, it seems to not. I am going on record to say that I love a lot of people, truly, honestly love them, for exactly who they are, faults and all, and wish them nothing but the best. For the most part, these people are in my life, but some of them are not. In some cases, circumstances, or just life in general, has created a situation where we are NOT in each others' lives. I still love them, and wish them every happiness.


I was seriously in love once. I mean, from your head to your toes, every single cell in your body, giving everything you have, completely open, regardless of what happens, in love. It was amazing, and it was awful. And he's one of my best friends, to this day. The entire story is a disaster, but let's just sum it up by saying that things didn't work out...in a rather shocking and graphic way. I got hurt, more than I ever thought possible, somewhat lost my mind in the process, and wondered how it was humanly possible to survive losing someone that I cared so incredibly much for.  



When people hear the story in it's full craziness, they look at me with incredulity, and wonder why in the world I still speak to this person, let alone consider them one of my closest friends. But this is the part you have to consider...loyalty scores big points with me. It doesn't matter to me that once upon a time he let me down. All that matters to me, is that when it seriously counted, and I desperately needed a friend, he was one of the few still by my side. We've both done not so nice things to the other person, but the reality is that it has become a friendship marked by unconditionality.


We've both learned a LOT of things about forgiveness. 


For myself, it was one of the greatest failures of my life. It taught me how to love someone, completely and without limits, even when that person hurt me the most. There was a brief period where I couldn't stand to face him. But I could never wish anything but the very best for him. Even when that didn't include me. And when that old moniker karma came along, I couldn't feel anything but sadness for his own hurt. He taught me what it really means to love another person, in spite of who they are. To not hold their faults against them, to pray for their happiness and success, to be willing to lay down my life, for even a day of theirs. 


From a biblical perspective, Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. -- John 15:13.


From my favorite movie, The Notebook: The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. 


I began this post from the conviction of that quote, found as I was looking for quotes on unconditional love. It's on my mind, as I begin yet another journey in my life. In reliving the past, I want it to be known that I'm not harboring any old hurt or resentment from what used to be. Those days are gone, and now I'm grateful every day for the special friend in my life, the one I know I can call upon at any time. For story swapping, advice, help, or just an ear to vent. It takes time for these kinds of friendships to form. Time, and a deep knowledge of the other person. 


I often use the word "transitory" to describe the relationships we have in our lives, and they are often just that. People come, and people go. You find that over the years, some just stick. These are the people whose numbers you never lose. These are the people that you can go days, months, years without talking to, and when that conversation finally occurs, it's like no time at all has passed. Some of my greatest friendships have been forged with people that caused a lot of pain. Such is the nature of love.


Unconditional love is truly an amazing gift. Something that we give freely to another person, regardless of the circumstances. The people close to me, the people I consider friends family, are those that I have this deep and abiding love towards. I would do anything for their happiness, spare any cost, go any distance. The beauty in real love is that you do these things, expecting nothing in return. The best part, however, is that these people return it. 


Loving others is easy. It's in the nuances of life, that we find out how WE are loved. 


So I sit at a crossroads, faced with wonder at what will come in this next period. Time will tell me where my emotions really lie. I knew someone whose happiness was my complete and total goal. I loved them without restrictions, and unselfishly. Now, I'm sifting through the anger and hurt of the situation, and it's hard to feel a lot of positive emotions. I'm praying, and I'm trying. 


I keep asking myself if it's worth it, but only God knows the answer to that question. I made a lot of mistakes, as always, and now I'm waiting to see what amazing things He is going to do with those. As always, I wait upon the Lord, always putting Him first, seeking His counsel, and striving everyday to be a Godly woman.


Thank goodness His grace is new every morning.  

The Hand of God??

For nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. And there will be earthquakes in various places, and there will be famine and troubles. These are the beginning of sorrows. -- Mark 13:8

Far be it from me to know the timing of eschatological matters, or if the next pieces of what I'm going to say will ring true for others at all. The world does seem at times to be falling apart, but some of my following commentary may be viewed as upsetting, although I can promise you the facts presented are from reliable sources. My spin on them, however, may not be as palatable. I seek only to present a hypothesis, which troubles my heart and mind, and makes me want to do something sooner, rather than later.

As I write this, we have a Category 3 hurricane, named Irene, wreaking havoc and causing destruction in the Caribbean. Slated to hit the Atlantic seaboard in a few days, this hurricane has the potential to cause massive devastation in some large U.S. cities. Many of the "natural disasters" in the recent decade have me pondering the hand of God in the selection of these occurrences. 

Yes, I went there.

This all began with the earthquake in Japan on March 11 of this year. In the aftermath of Pacific tsunami warnings and the devastation caused by this earthquake that was large enough to affect the earth's rotation, I heard some sobering statistics. Of the 127 million individuals living there, only 2% are Christian. Now, I've heard criticism in the past for concerning myself with the religious leanings of a country instead of the tremendous loss of life, but when your life revolves around Jesus, it's hard to think another way. He said that He came to save the lost...but how many that died as a result of that tragedy are forever lost to His kingdom? I remember in the days following this discovery, the very real desire in me to go to Japan. I've never taken a single missionary trip, but I could see the great potential of introducing survivors to Christ! 

We know the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, how God poured out His wrath on them for their immorality and sin. What stops the natural conclusion that God can, and will, still act in this manner? We spend a lot of time talking about God's grace, for which I am grateful every day. However, His wrath is still a part of who He is, and the only thing separating Christians from it, is the sacrifice of Jesus on that cross.

We, as a nation, are undeniably an immoral lot. We've strayed away from our Christian roots, and now are a melting pot of cultures and world religious. I am not preaching intolerance, on the contrary, the mission handed to us by Jesus is one of salvation and redemption. But how often do we miss the chance to share the Gospel because someone is different, or we don't want to offend their sense or morals, or because we're too busy practicing tolerance? However, to paraphrase John Adams, you can't rule a country without God and the Bible. We've allowed the government to curtail the expression of God in schools, in the national anthem, at televised events, and in our daily life. Many in this nation are content with a "Sunday religion" that allows them to feel absolved and call themselves a Christian, while living as a non-believer the other 6 days of the week. 

Perhaps that's one of the reasons why we have natural disasters after pieces of our country? Is this God's way of telling us to get it together?