Peace Two

Three months ago, I went through some stuff that was pretty hurtful. As a reference point, here is an excerpt from a post that is directly related to what happened today:

I have tried with everything I have to be friends with this man, because I genuinely love him. Unfortunately, he has disrespected me one too many times. Earlier this week, he sent me a message that was rude and uncalled for. I let it go with very little response, merely stating that it was not ok for him to talk to me that way, and please for it not to happen again. He said he needed "space," so I gladly gave him all he wanted. I didn't ask any questions, or initiate any conversation for the rest of the week. As I was having a really great night with friends at the air show yesterday, I received a text message asking me what church service I was attending this weekend, to which I discovered was hidden the idea that he was going to bring another girl to church...(November 12, 2011)

There are a lot of nuances to this whole past situation, which I recorded, fought through, prayed through, ran away from, and broke more than a few times over. That is neither here nor there, because the true reality is that God has blessed me and opened up my entire world since that place of brokenness...I digress some. The action that was threatened me three months ago did not come to fruition until yesterday, at church, as I saw him with his new "girlfriend"...a word that comes to me through another person who happened to get swept into the scenario by association. 

As I'm standing there talking with lovely women, socializing for God's Kingdom at church (which ideally should be a safe place) I saw her hanging on him, them walking away holding hands, and getting into her car on a Sunday morning after being 45 minutes late to service. I will not apologize for the honesty that is about to pour out of me, for I can't be anything other than real...

In that minute of clarity, so many emotions flooded me. I'm not even sure that I can identify them all, and I've been trying. I know that in so many of the reactions I had, I am wrong. Convicted wrong, because I should be a kinder, more loving person. I was angry..so incredibly angry. Not at him, ironically enough, just really angry over-all, and the phrase that popped into my head and heart and repeated in variations was, "Why does he get to be happy?" Allow me to explain...

I most definitely do not want to be the girl he was with. I know that infatuation is not real happiness. Knowing him as I do, I am also aware that he hates PDA at church. But I was envious that he is able to at least express that with someone in public. After everything that happened, and how completely wrong he was to me (I was very wrong too), and how I have turned myself inside out seeking God to right the situation, and he hasn't, and I've done the hard work, and he just ran away...why does he get to be the one that gets something rewarding?

It's not fair...

NEXT: Peace Three

Peace One

I'm pushing into the unknown of a blank page at this very moment...certain that there is plenty to be said, but not particularly concerned about the literary grandeur of how I get there. This week has been one for the books. I have been glorious, sad, exhausted, angry, and stressed. You can easily click through the last couple of the posts to see that I was definitely confused about a lot of things earlier in the week, which were interspersed with some really amazing moments. My trials are always thus, simply because my God is loving and faithful, even in the hard moments.

I battled some intense spiritual warfare all week, the enemy playing on all his favorite weak spots. Inside my head, telling me lies, tripping me up, causing uncertainty, creating massive distractions from the things that God has called and positioned me to do. Pressing onward toward the goal of the prize (Phil 3:14), I have prayed intensely, lamented, wailed, and if I had some sackcloth, I'm sure I would have worn it. Working from no sleep, I began my Friday with resolve: coffee at 9:30pm and racing thoughts kept me in a cycle Thursday evening during which I listened to a LOT of Jesus Culture and got some serious prayer time. As I ran around haphazardly Friday doing too many errands on no sleep, I kept reminding myself that I could sleep in a few hours...which turned into another sleepless night.

After nearly 60 hours of no sleep, I finally got to rest my overly weary head, soul, and body. Before blissful unawareness came, however, I resolved all the issues that were coming at me, and found a place of peace, helped along significantly by someone who has come to mean a great deal to me. I'll come back to all this another time. As wonderful, fulfilling, gratifying, and joyful this particular relationship makes me, this is about someone who does NOT make me that way.

NEXT: Peace Two

Tuesday Love

Today has been the most wonderfully lovely day! I'm pretty sure that Tuesdays are going to be my favorite day of the week, hands down.

It all began this morning at 9am, as I ventured to church to join a few women for prayer. Wow, what an anointing!!!!! There were 5 of us, and for an hour, we just prayed our hearts out, listened to worship music, cried, and let God pour His Spirit out on us!!!! Just whoa....the personal requests, the intercession, the prayer for our church family....where two or more come together in His name.

As if I'm not high enough on that, we immediately went into our women's small group about David, and seeking a heart like his, led by the infinitely wonderful Rhonda Felts. David is one of my favorites, and I am absolutely excited to venture through this Beth Moore study, and embrace what it means to be raised up by God, to be appointed for a particular calling, to have a heart like GOD!!!!

Work was pretty uneventful, but my little 2 year olds are sweet and awesome, and I love getting to spend some time with them. I actually like floating, and not having a particular class, cause I get to spend time with ALL the kids at some point!!! They are all beautiful little creations, and I am so fortunate to be a part of their lives!

Evening commenced with my own small group on Royalty, and all I can say, is that I fervently pray that God uses this message, and this curriculum, and this experience to break the bonds that are holding on to these women that I absolutely cherish as beautiful daughters of God.

I am who I am, and based on yesterday's post, I just have to say this: I am reminded that it doesn't matter. I am reminded that any man that belongs to God is going to chase and pursue me without my thinking about it for more than a minute. Until that time, I am perfectly happy relentlessly pursuing God's calling in my own life, with the amazing people I get to do life with, and the amazing women that surround me in my endeavor. Be that as intimidating as it may be, I am not concerned...because, in all humility, I'm awesome because my dad is the King of the Universe...

OWN IT!!!!!!

Wounds of the Heart

I just want to start out by saying that I'm not entirely sure what I've gotten myself into. As usual, I am completely confused, and when in doubt, hibernate!!!!!! Or stay the course. Perhaps a little bit of both. 

A couple of months ago, I experienced a request from God in a prayer session. He wanted me to paint, and here is the result. The image is very specific, and I'm not great, but I think this is a proper time to unveil the message that was given to me that day. If this is supposed to represent my own heart, then it looks fairly healed, no major holes. What is hidden, however, is the painful one left over by events of the last year. I was told to let Jesus place His hand over that brokenness, that He was going to leave it there for awhile until it healed all the way through. No surface band-aids for this, the real deal...

Broken hearts affect me physically, and apparently some of my friends have the same symptoms: chest pains, racing pulse, nausea. Being single has its ups and downs...sometimes, I am thrilled and embracing what Paul espoused, and at others, I am absolutely ready to get married. What a conundrum this is. I hate this, to be honest. What, you may ask, is this?

This is getting hurt without really putting forth much effort. This is the complicated life of getting to know single men. This is confusion. This is being let down by someone you happen to be crazy about. 

I fully expected that if I did exactly what I was supposed to do, that there would be no aching heart days, because God would completely protect me, my heart, my emotions. And maybe I haven't been exactly perfect about following the He's Not That Into You directive of not putting forth any effort because that's the man's job. And maybe sometimes I give too much to people I care about, and get touched too deeply by the little things. And maybe I expect too much. What I didn't expect, however, was to feel the chest pains, and the anxiety, and the irritability. 

I didn't think it would matter, but now it does. I didn't realize that letting someone else IN would result in letting so much of myself OUT. I'm ready to completely shut down and run the other direction...to pack up my emotions, and maybe try again in a year or so...maybe build those massive walls back up. Nothing traumatic has happened, but I'm already over my head. 

My cocoon has never felt so good: the place where I can crawl into my one true love, the best relationship of my life, the greatest love story I will ever experience, my best friend God. Forget the rest right now, cause the rest are making me sad.

Answers: Part Three

Though you feel I'm far away, I am closer than your breath. I am with you...more than you know...

Click the play button:

I've probably posted this before, but perhaps I needed a reminder. Strange thing...apparently venturing out of my house for extended period of time produces incredible revelations of God. I'm going to make this quick, because I'm still running it all around, and not really on the ball...but I need to say that I'm off.

I have a pride issue...and a self-control issue...and a trust issue.

And I'm exhausted and probably not thinking very clearly.

Had a wonderful weekend with some amazing people though...and that is what makes life great. So apparently I can keep going...whew, thanks God! I put this in the answers category like a few recent posts, and I'm not even sure what the answers are, but I'm sure that they're there. Just waiting to be unleashed, and I'm ok with that, and as much as I love knowing exactly what's going on, I have learned that just letting go, and letting God do what works, is the ONLY course of action. I'm a terrible driver AND navigator...and I've definitely tried to do both.

ME: Oh yeah, why don't we take this road right here, it looks kinda interesting.
HIM: No, not a good idea.
ME: But please, it looks so fun and intriguing.
HIM: I wouldn't.
ME: *turning the wheel*
HIM: *shakes head*

What is wrong with me? How stupid can I possibly be? I know things work best HIS way...I have no clue what I'm doing, but just trying to follow Him in any way I can. So I'm going to close my eyes, and enjoy the ride

Answers: Part Two

This is the direct follow-up to the first post I wrote about answers here.

But the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship Him.--John 4:23

I posted a couple of weeks ago my feelings on worship, and music has been a huge part of my life since I was a child. However, it's never really been something that I have considered as anything more than a hobby. This week has changed that for me. The irony is that I could have gone to college for free wen I was 17 for music, but I was adamant that I did NOT want to be a musician. It's just another instance of how God gives us second chances to do the things He plans for us. It's brilliant, and beautiful, but I digress some...

I was in my "shower space-out listen to God" time the other day His revelation came. Worship pastor...were the words He whispered to me. Just like the painting episode, I looked straight up and said, "really???" I love it when He surprises me, when I never see it coming, when I'm just like, ok, that's cool, but not at ALL what I expected. So I settled my mind a little bit and resolved to pray. The problem, you see, is that I have fallen victim to words that were not from God before, and I tend to be pretty hesitant and cautious when I hear big, powerful things like this. Therefore, I started praying hard, and kept praying, so much like Gideon...laying down the fleece, because I don't believe Him the first time He says it.

My affirmation came Friday night, from a mature believer, as it should, and was really a lovely, touching compliment. My very dear friend told me how wonderful it was to see me on stage worshiping freely, and compared it to a "beautiful butterfly" that had been set free from it's cocoon. I cried...even though I didn't tell him that. I don't really care how it looks, or what anyone thinks, but the reality is that I desperately needed a word from God reassuring me that I was not mistaken. It's glorious (and glorifies Him) to hear that other people are touched by the gift that He gave me to worship, to love him unabashedly, to be unfettered from the things of this world as I completely show my adoration. If I could worship 24/7, I absolutely would. In my private moments at home, I actually do.

Moving forward, I was very convicted about what my next step needed to be, and that was speaking to my worship pastor and asking him if he would start teaching me all the things that I need to learn. I have no expectations, and I have no time frame, because I know that I have a daunting education in front of me, and that God will bring things to fruition in His own perfect timing. On the way to church yesterday, I began to be afraid....second guessing myself, God, what talent I have, if I had lost my mind, if I was going to make a fool out of myself...just a million doubts. As I battled them away, I felt sure that it was the right move, because the enemy wouldn't have wasted the time with the fear tactic unless I was doing God's will. To my stunning, fearful surprise, my pastor was affirming, and positive, and eager to be a teacher in this manner.

I am blown away....just blown away by how good He is to me. I would absolutely not be able to do this, to be in this place, and to be confident and sure like this, if it wasn't for the freedom that I have found since letting go of some painful realities in my life. As I start this new journey, and move forward into this new season, I am reminded that He is always true. As I mentioned once before here, God's words have been bombarding me for some time...

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. - Isaiah 43:19

What a glorious new thing this is. Six very short months ago, I was desperately lost in the wilderness, and living in a wasteland. Be faithful, listen diligently, seek His face, and He will answer you, love you, give you everything your heart desires. 

Freedom

I promised a while back that I was going to talk about freedom, and just never got around to it. Perhaps now is a good time. Especially with my new small group on royalty starting in 2 weeks! I'm ready to see "defeated daughters" released from the chains that hold them back from embracing their true identity as God's royal, chosen daughters! 

What does it mean to be free? 

The dictionary defines it as an absence of undue restrictions and an opportunity to exercise one's rights and powers. Whew, what a perfect way to sum it up! Romans 6-8 is one of my favorite passages in the NT, because Paul describes that no matter how hard he tries, he is still subject to the old sinful nature, and that it is only in the salvation of Jesus, and living in the Holy Spirit that he is liberated from his fleshly bondage. 

You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.--Romans 6:18

I keep that verse on a post-it note on my bathroom mirror. Among others, it reminds me that my freedom has already been bought. It also reminds me of my response.

Set free from sin: Theologians argue different perspectives on the ability to live a life that is free from sin. Some contend that is possible to be completely free of sin, conjuring up images of Jesus as the absolute perfect. Others promote a culture that reminds believers that they are horrible sinners that must be desperately grateful and humiliated (not humble) because of this fact. I think that both statements are extremes in some way. To be "set free" means a lot of different things: that we are no longer bound to the punishment our sin creates, that temptation is not sin, that freedom directly means submission and servitude.

Slaves to righteousness: I doubt many would argue the need to live a righteous life, seeking to do God's will and live up to the standard of holiness set forth for us. What this does NOT say, however, is that we are to be slaves to the past, slaves to our testimonies, or slaves to the ability to overcome. By holding on to those things, we negate our real freedom.

For as a man thinks within himself, so he is.--Proverbs 23:7

As I mentioned a little earlier, I'm doing a small group on royalty this spring, and one of the quotes from the book on this very subject says this:

"We are Christians; it is not our nature to do wrong. Our very nature has been changed. Now we are actually saints; righteousness is part of our new natural and it is natural for us to glorify God. Our old man is buried. We need to stop visiting our tombs and talking to our dead, old man." 

He also talks about how if we call ourselves "sinners", even redeemed sinners, we are living by faith in our own sin, which will only perpetuate itself.

You have been set free. Stop living in bondage. Stop holding on to the past. Stop letting the word "sinner" define you, because that is not who you are! You are a HOLY NATION and a ROYAL PRIESTHOOD! 

Answers: Part One

There has been some confusion in my life here lately. New people I meet ask me all the time what I do, or what I'm studying, and I'm usually somewhat vague, and not overly informative. I'm sure people feel like they have to drag things out of me sometimes. Because I don't want to answer THE question:

So what do you want to do after you graduate?

"Um, something in ministry. I'm not sure yet, but God will show me His will." Followed by a big smile, because I don't have anything else to say. The reality is that I am absolutely sure that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, but as of the last several months, I've been very confused about where everything is leading. I assumed that pastoral counseling was the "it", even though I have inclinations that range from getting my Ph.D and teaching Old Testament studies to running a web ministry to writing a book. It's something I've been praying a lot about, losing some sleep over, and waiting patiently for God to answer.

My revelation came this morning, in a sweet moment of understanding, as God showed me what I was supposed to do. He even showed me some people that I need to talk to, which is one reason that I'm not going to just lay it all out there right now, today. Here is what I will say:

In all of my running around, various ways in which I serve the church and God's Kingdom, there is one place I've found that brings me the greatest joy and touches my soul in the deepest part. It is the place where I am at home, and comfortable, and not at all afraid to let everything be all God.

I am going to pray earnestly and passionately pursue the answer that God gave me on this crucial part of my life.

This is a good way to wrap it up! I Surrender by Jesus Culture:

Misplaced Effort

Confession: Sometimes I get tired of being nice.

I wonder if that means I'm not a nice person, or if I just get sick of having it thrown back in my face. I have a friend that refers to it as "pouring in" to other people, and I am very guilty of doing this. Maybe you've done it: a phone call that isn't really convenient because you know someone needs to hear an encouraging word...or making time for someone that really isn't your normal type of friend because they need support....or giving a kind word to someone that has hurt you because you're genuinely proud that they're doing well...

But I keep "pouring in" to people that I see...people that need to hear that they are special, and chosen, and that the way in which they are living their lives is in someway beautiful and unique. There are times, however, when I really don't want to. When what I really want to do is run the other direction. Even worse, say something unkind or breathe the brutal truth.

I cannot do those things. If my primary goal is to become more and more like Jesus, I have to ask myself how He would respond in a situation. I do not always like the answer to that question. A different friend and I had a conversation just last night about how to react to people that hurt you. His suggestion was to simply ignore them, or respond to them the same way. I am not allowed to act this way, however. I must have grace, infinitely, for other people.

In talking about the woman with the perfume in Matthew 26, Kris Vallotton says that "the disciples did not have a perspective of honor in their hearts and it distorted their understanding of stewardship. They saw what the woman did for Jesus as a waste. Jesus said that her extravagant honor would make her famous. Honor will change the way we see the King and the manner in which we relate to His sons and daughters."

We are called and required to validate and affirm other people in our lives. Why does it have to suck so much sometimes? Yeah, I said that, because the truth is that I like to keep it real here, and the reality is that having pure kindness, offered in agape-shaped love, relegated to nothing...just sucks.

Then I realize that apparently it's the right thing to do. Because if it makes you feel even a fraction of what Jesus felt on that cross--the betrayal, and love, and hurt, and agony, and despair--then it's probably in line with the choice He would have made.

What choices have you made that you felt were right, but left you hurting nonetheless?

A Reason for it All

I work at a daycare.

Seriously, my job is a gift from God. Last summer, I had to quit my pharmacy job (click here for details). It paid well, I had benefits, and they worked with my schedule for school. Unfortunately, they gave me an ultimatum that I didn't like. So I quit on faith, and spent 4 months unemployed, relying on God's provision. It was tough, and when the time came to find a new source of income, I knew that part-time was the way to go, and didn't feel that pharmacy was the right path (even though it's been my field since I was 18).

On a Friday afternoon, I dropped off my resume at my current job, just on a whim. Monday morning at 7am, the owner called me, said she had an immediate opening, and wanted me to come in that morning for an interview. She told me that if they liked me, I would start that day. I went in at 9am, and 5 minutes later, she hired me on the spot. She sent me to do paperwork with the staffing agency, and asked me to come back at 1pm to start. God literally dropped my job in my lap, and knowing that, I understand that He is using this to transform and teach me something new.

The possibilities are varied:

• To prepare me to teach.
• To make me a better "traditional" female.
• To get me ready to be a mommy (I love this possibility!).
• To amplify the teachings on humility that have been occurring for the last 6 months.

The reality is that I have no clue of the purpose of this job. I was told when I was hired that I would be working with the 3 year olds, but after two weeks, they moved me to the afterschool (K-5th grade) group. Over the holidays, I sat with the infants and toddlers, and the new year has me floating between infants, afterschoolers, and the cleaning lady. The last one did not make me happy. When I saw the arrangements for the new year, I was irritated. When I woke up Monday, I was not looking forward to going to work. I didn't want to spend part of my day doing laundry and dishes...I wanted to be with the kiddos. And as bad as my attitude was the entire morning, I resolved to hide my dissatisfaction at work, and to accept my responsibilities as God's plan. 

We had an opening in the baby room (which is my favorite) right before the holidays, and I prayed about it. I shared with God that He knew my passion and heart for babies, and that if it was His will, that I be given that opening. Instead, He placed me in housekeeping. As I was exchanging laundry and washing dishes Monday, faking joy and acceptance and gratitude, I realized that I have no right to question God's plan. 

I HATE laundry and dishes...they are my two least favorite chores out of all of them. Indeed, right now, there is laundry in my dryer that needs to be put away, and dishes in the sink that need to be washed. I do not want to do either. God definitely has a sense of humor, putting me a position to do the exact things I hate on a daily, repetitive basis. But I want to be a traditional wife, and I want to have kids...these are things that I need to learn to embrace and enjoy doing, so that I can fulfill the desires that God has placed in my heart. 

She works with her hands in delight...She senses that her gain is good...She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.--Proverbs 31

He has much to teach me, and I am grateful for His love and kindness and faithfulness to make me closer daily to the Godly woman He intends me to be.