Wounds of the Heart

I just want to start out by saying that I'm not entirely sure what I've gotten myself into. As usual, I am completely confused, and when in doubt, hibernate!!!!!! Or stay the course. Perhaps a little bit of both. 

A couple of months ago, I experienced a request from God in a prayer session. He wanted me to paint, and here is the result. The image is very specific, and I'm not great, but I think this is a proper time to unveil the message that was given to me that day. If this is supposed to represent my own heart, then it looks fairly healed, no major holes. What is hidden, however, is the painful one left over by events of the last year. I was told to let Jesus place His hand over that brokenness, that He was going to leave it there for awhile until it healed all the way through. No surface band-aids for this, the real deal...

Broken hearts affect me physically, and apparently some of my friends have the same symptoms: chest pains, racing pulse, nausea. Being single has its ups and downs...sometimes, I am thrilled and embracing what Paul espoused, and at others, I am absolutely ready to get married. What a conundrum this is. I hate this, to be honest. What, you may ask, is this?

This is getting hurt without really putting forth much effort. This is the complicated life of getting to know single men. This is confusion. This is being let down by someone you happen to be crazy about. 

I fully expected that if I did exactly what I was supposed to do, that there would be no aching heart days, because God would completely protect me, my heart, my emotions. And maybe I haven't been exactly perfect about following the He's Not That Into You directive of not putting forth any effort because that's the man's job. And maybe sometimes I give too much to people I care about, and get touched too deeply by the little things. And maybe I expect too much. What I didn't expect, however, was to feel the chest pains, and the anxiety, and the irritability. 

I didn't think it would matter, but now it does. I didn't realize that letting someone else IN would result in letting so much of myself OUT. I'm ready to completely shut down and run the other direction...to pack up my emotions, and maybe try again in a year or so...maybe build those massive walls back up. Nothing traumatic has happened, but I'm already over my head. 

My cocoon has never felt so good: the place where I can crawl into my one true love, the best relationship of my life, the greatest love story I will ever experience, my best friend God. Forget the rest right now, cause the rest are making me sad.