O my Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will (Matthew 26:39).
I never really thought I would feel this way about my own calling.
Word this morning: "I have to know that you will choose me over what you want in that fleeting moment. You are not alone because I am always here. I have something different for you, and being different is not easy. I'm asking you to trust ME. I won't let you down."
In the face of the difficult, I find myself longing for the easy. My definition of "easy" is probably not really easy at all, but it appears that way when measured against the alternative. If it appears that I'm being strangely obtuse, I apologize. I'm just caught up in the personal right now. I used to think that my calling was gloriously awesome....now I just feel like it's way too much trouble. In that whiny, petulant voice, the glamour of being different fades away into a pouty "WHY??" Then I recall the words that I have whispered over and over...use me....and I am slammed with the realization that just last night I scribbled furiously in my personal journal:
I'LL GO
SEND ME
USE ME
I'LL DO IT
Those words do not leave me with the option to send God to voice mail...
Showing posts with label Trials. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Trials. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
And So It Begins
Early warning that this may seem a little sporadic, but it all makes sense somehow...
I started having nightmares last week. In this period of calm, rest, nothingness, it was actually a breath of fresh air. It reminded me that I'm alive and that I'm still a threat to the enemy. Saturday night was the last occurrence, and when I awoke, I immediately felt the spirituality of the dream/nightmare, so I started praying. As I was praying I "remembered" that it was the third night of such events. After a bit of prayer, I fell asleep again, only to have yet another dream, this one much more obvious: a green snake with horns bit me on the foot.
I went to church Sunday with a renewed purpose and fervor to do God's will. Not that mine ever really died, it's just been in limbo the last couple of months while nothing has been happening. I came home, and anointed the entire house. I slept like a baby last night.
This evening, however, I am restless in my sleeplessness, overcharged as I desperately try to discover the next season of God's purpose in my life. Tonight there were talks in my house of starting a new church with a strong music ministry. As I laid here just a few short minutes ago, God whispered to me that the reason for my discontent of late is that I'm not doing what I was created to do.
My calling and purpose is worship...every part of my life for the last 31 years speaks to that: I was trained in classical piano for 11 years, active in band and choir in high school, almost majored in music in college. Regardless of all the technical history, God has anointed me to lead worship. The experiences I have had are far greater in talent and leading that I could ever achieve on my own...it is ALL HIM.
This season of rest is coming to a close, and I honestly could not be happier. I want to be a life-changer in the Kingdom of God, and fulfill what I was created to do. Knowing your purpose for God, and not doing it is the most frustrating thing I've experienced in a long time. I'm supposed to show people how to get into the presence of God, and futile efforts at anything else just do not satisfy.
And maybe there's pride, because all worship leaders have to deal with that nasty little issue. I enjoy experiencing worship from the congregation, I enjoy worshipping in my own private little world without a microphone or piano in front of me. Selfishly, I could take it in like a heroin addict: in the car, on the treadmill, in the pews, it doesn't really matter. Music is music no matter where I am, and I'm singing praises to God when no one is looking. But the reality is that God's call is His call....and although He is always enough, we are created to be a part of His body, to have a ministry, whatever form it takes.
This is about me, but I hope in reading it, you are challenged in your own walk with God, in your own calling, to seek and pray and discover the purpose that God has placed upon your life. Remember, Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you..(Jeremiah 1:5). This promise is specific to the OT prophet Jeremiah to be a prophet to the nations, but the truth is that God knew each one of us before we ever drew a breath, and He plans for each one of us to have a significant responsibility in bringing the Kingdom of Heaven here on earth.
Go find your purpose.
I started having nightmares last week. In this period of calm, rest, nothingness, it was actually a breath of fresh air. It reminded me that I'm alive and that I'm still a threat to the enemy. Saturday night was the last occurrence, and when I awoke, I immediately felt the spirituality of the dream/nightmare, so I started praying. As I was praying I "remembered" that it was the third night of such events. After a bit of prayer, I fell asleep again, only to have yet another dream, this one much more obvious: a green snake with horns bit me on the foot.
I went to church Sunday with a renewed purpose and fervor to do God's will. Not that mine ever really died, it's just been in limbo the last couple of months while nothing has been happening. I came home, and anointed the entire house. I slept like a baby last night.
This evening, however, I am restless in my sleeplessness, overcharged as I desperately try to discover the next season of God's purpose in my life. Tonight there were talks in my house of starting a new church with a strong music ministry. As I laid here just a few short minutes ago, God whispered to me that the reason for my discontent of late is that I'm not doing what I was created to do.
My calling and purpose is worship...every part of my life for the last 31 years speaks to that: I was trained in classical piano for 11 years, active in band and choir in high school, almost majored in music in college. Regardless of all the technical history, God has anointed me to lead worship. The experiences I have had are far greater in talent and leading that I could ever achieve on my own...it is ALL HIM.
This season of rest is coming to a close, and I honestly could not be happier. I want to be a life-changer in the Kingdom of God, and fulfill what I was created to do. Knowing your purpose for God, and not doing it is the most frustrating thing I've experienced in a long time. I'm supposed to show people how to get into the presence of God, and futile efforts at anything else just do not satisfy.
And maybe there's pride, because all worship leaders have to deal with that nasty little issue. I enjoy experiencing worship from the congregation, I enjoy worshipping in my own private little world without a microphone or piano in front of me. Selfishly, I could take it in like a heroin addict: in the car, on the treadmill, in the pews, it doesn't really matter. Music is music no matter where I am, and I'm singing praises to God when no one is looking. But the reality is that God's call is His call....and although He is always enough, we are created to be a part of His body, to have a ministry, whatever form it takes.
This is about me, but I hope in reading it, you are challenged in your own walk with God, in your own calling, to seek and pray and discover the purpose that God has placed upon your life. Remember, Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you..(Jeremiah 1:5). This promise is specific to the OT prophet Jeremiah to be a prophet to the nations, but the truth is that God knew each one of us before we ever drew a breath, and He plans for each one of us to have a significant responsibility in bringing the Kingdom of Heaven here on earth.
Go find your purpose.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Promises
...your testimony will change people's lives...January 2011
...thousands coming to Christ because of you...April 2011
Worship leader...January 2012 (God)
When the foundation has been ripped out from under you, sometimes the only thing to do is write out the promises that God has given. These are my promises...
The musician in me quotes it like this:
When the world is shaking and nothing stands...Refuge
The bible scholar says it like this:
For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord...Romans 8:38-9
...thousands coming to Christ because of you...April 2011
Worship leader...January 2012 (God)
When the foundation has been ripped out from under you, sometimes the only thing to do is write out the promises that God has given. These are my promises...
The musician in me quotes it like this:
When the world is shaking and nothing stands...Refuge
The bible scholar says it like this:
For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord...Romans 8:38-9
Friday, April 13, 2012
The Desert
For those
that read:
I have been an unfaithful blogger
lately. I apologize....life has gotten in the way. I am struggling to find the
words to say that I don't know what to say.
It's a rough season, but I've had
rougher.
I'm at burn-out levels, but I've
burned out before.
I'm irritated with people, but the
ones that matter are still here.
I'm confused about where God is
leading, but I'm still following.
I've gained weight, but I'm not
doing anything about it.
I've become inconsistent, but I'm
learning to say no.
I have nothing to say, but I'm
still talking.
I have come to realize that life is
incapable of offering me any joy.
My prayer life goes something like
this: I'm sorry that I suck lately...I don't know what is wrong with
me...I *sigh* don't know what to say...Please help me...
Music and His written promises are
my existence...He is the only thing that makes sense, even though I am not
faithful...I know He is here, but I can't feel Him, so I have to dig in harder,
and listen to what He has already said...
When people pray for me, I want to
laugh at the futility...
When I read devotionals, I feel
empty...
When people ask how I am, I say
"rough season" and leave it alone...
When He blesses me, I am humbled...
Even the vessels of Him that have
sustained me before have become useless...there is no TRUTH other than Him...
I want to surrender, but I feel
like everyone is watching me...
I want to worship from the
brokenness, but I have to keep it together to play...
I want to retreat, but I keep
getting caught in multi-hour ministering conversations...
I want to be weak, but there is a
strength bubbling up in me that won't stop...
And He said to me, My grace is
sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness. Therefore most
gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest
upon me.--2 Corinthians 12:9
My latest excuse for my inability
to be perfectly on target lately...?
*shoulder shrug*...There's grace
for that...
Never think that any part of me can
do any of this...I don't know what I'm doing, and I'm confused every minute of
the day...as I rest in Him, I realize that none of this matters, that all these
words on this screen, going up into public view on the vast measure of the
internet, probably make zero sense, and that I don't really care.
This is me, living in the life God
called me to, in all of its messiness, getting out of bed one foot at a time,
and saying "GO" to this life, trudging through the crap with my cross,
begging like Jesus in the garden for this cup
to pass from me, all the while knowing that when I said the words "Use
me," I was signing up for this, asking for God to prune me, shape me, mold
me, break me, change me, USE
ME, every moment, of every day, and if my insane, rambling, cacophony of
thoughts about this brief season rings a bell with even one person, then I have
been obedient...
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Untitled
As I write this, I'm acutely aware that it may not get posted...that perhaps I'm not quite there. I don't even really know what to say...
It's 7:57 on April 7, the night before Easter. Hallelujah for the risen Lord!!!!!
Oh my goodness I just want to hide from people. It seems that every relationship, every conversation, every person that I know is somehow problematic to me. Not in an overt way even, just....ugh. I talked a short while ago having to run, and the translation I was given at the time was that I was entering a time of spiritual maturity.
Translation: rough season.
While I would absolutely love to run headlong into what God is leading me to do, be, whatever, the problem I find right now is that I am staring at a maze...I have no idea where to go. So I'm stopped, completely baffled at what is real, what is truth, what I can believe in. As far as other people go, anyways. I always know that my trust, my faith, my hope are in God. It's about the only thing I know at this point. And I'm frustrated and irritated and I have a million things still to do...
But I just needed to get that out...
It's 7:57 on April 7, the night before Easter. Hallelujah for the risen Lord!!!!!
Oh my goodness I just want to hide from people. It seems that every relationship, every conversation, every person that I know is somehow problematic to me. Not in an overt way even, just....ugh. I talked a short while ago having to run, and the translation I was given at the time was that I was entering a time of spiritual maturity.
Translation: rough season.
While I would absolutely love to run headlong into what God is leading me to do, be, whatever, the problem I find right now is that I am staring at a maze...I have no idea where to go. So I'm stopped, completely baffled at what is real, what is truth, what I can believe in. As far as other people go, anyways. I always know that my trust, my faith, my hope are in God. It's about the only thing I know at this point. And I'm frustrated and irritated and I have a million things still to do...
But I just needed to get that out...
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
I Have My Moments
Give me faith to trust
what You say, that You’re good, and Your love is great…
I love this song, although I usually don’t have problems
with faith. I would be lost without my greatest spiritual gift, and I watch
others struggle with faith, and am grateful that it is one area where I do not.
I have my own issues, however… As the song goes on, it says, I may be weak, but your Spirit’s strong in
me…my flesh may fail, but my God You never will! It has always in the past
reminded me of the times when I did in fact fail, because I am weak, but God
turned my horrible mess into an amazing message.
Trials are exhausting, and I’m positive that someone is
saying “Amen” right now! There is a
purpose for them, as we are reminded several times by Paul:
…we also glory in
tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance (Romans 5:3)…
I consider that the
sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory
which shall be reveled in us (Romans 8:18)…No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but
God is faithful, who will not allow you to be temped beyond what you are able,
but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able
to bear it (1 Corinthians 10:13)…And
He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect
in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).
James admonishes us to count
it all joy when you fall into various trials…1:2. While there always comes
a point where I am able to smile in the face of whatever adversity is at my
door, I’ll be honest….there is about a 24 hour window of full-on pity party
sulking. These are the 86,400 seconds that very few people see: lying in bed,
listening to worship music, crying, praying, griping, reading His word, crying,
staring blankly into space, holding my head in my hands, more crying, more
praying, more worship music, lying in bed despondently (yeah), more griping,
more Scripture…repeat as necessary.
It takes some time to wrap my brain around the fact that I’m
absolutely gonna have to suck it up and let it go, and trust Him to handle
whatever crazy, random, overwhelming, insane scenario has come my way. Then I
begin to feel foolish, and start to remember that this will pass, that these
trials and tribulations are about bringing me to a stronger place, that every
good thing is from God, that He has everything handled, that our testimony
matches our call, and that my name means resurrection. With a name like that, I’m
just not gonna get off easy in this thing called life…I am, however, going to
take all of these experiences in their moment to display faith that is much
greater than a mustard seed, grace that covers all brokenness, joy that bursts
forth in worship, and hope that is unending. <3
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
You're Gonna Have to Run
I had a dream Saturday night...a real scare-the-pants-off-me-spiritual-warfare-are-you-for-real-that-was-so-weird kind of dream.
Its the middle of the night, and I drive my car up to a cemetery...one of those century old types with chipped marble headstones and tall wrought iron fencing. I'm aware that inside the cemetery are men from my church: pastors, leaders, etc...strong spiritual men of God is the impression that I get, although I only recognize one. It's one of the associate pastors at my church, who happens to be very prophetic. As I approach this group, I have a sense that something darkly spiritual is going on, although I'm not particularly worried. The one that I recognize wraps his arms around my shoulders from behind and locks them, like a backwards hug. This is the part where I thought, "ok weird, but it's a dream, so maybe he's just being supportive." Then, he climbed on my back and said these words to me:
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO RUN...
Um...what?????
As I took off running with this grown man on my back, the fear started to overwhelm me. I'm running from something (maybe the devil), and I'm carrying all this weight (of someone who represents spiritual leadership), and all I can see is darkness.
It's at this point that I suddenly wake up, and without opening my eyes because I'm terrified there's going to be a demon in my room looming over my bed, the first word out of my mouth is Jesus, followed by a multitude of Scripture. The minute I say His name, half of my anxiety disappears, and as I continue to squeeze closed my eyes and pray, the rest subsides fairly quickly. I finally open my eyes, calm, and say, "Well that was weird," roll over and go back to sleep.
Although I'm ending rather abruptly, I'm still mulling over all of this. The next morning at church, I spoke with this pastor about my dream. Look for the continuation over the next few days.
Be blessed my friends!!!!!!
Its the middle of the night, and I drive my car up to a cemetery...one of those century old types with chipped marble headstones and tall wrought iron fencing. I'm aware that inside the cemetery are men from my church: pastors, leaders, etc...strong spiritual men of God is the impression that I get, although I only recognize one. It's one of the associate pastors at my church, who happens to be very prophetic. As I approach this group, I have a sense that something darkly spiritual is going on, although I'm not particularly worried. The one that I recognize wraps his arms around my shoulders from behind and locks them, like a backwards hug. This is the part where I thought, "ok weird, but it's a dream, so maybe he's just being supportive." Then, he climbed on my back and said these words to me:
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO RUN...
Um...what?????
As I took off running with this grown man on my back, the fear started to overwhelm me. I'm running from something (maybe the devil), and I'm carrying all this weight (of someone who represents spiritual leadership), and all I can see is darkness.
It's at this point that I suddenly wake up, and without opening my eyes because I'm terrified there's going to be a demon in my room looming over my bed, the first word out of my mouth is Jesus, followed by a multitude of Scripture. The minute I say His name, half of my anxiety disappears, and as I continue to squeeze closed my eyes and pray, the rest subsides fairly quickly. I finally open my eyes, calm, and say, "Well that was weird," roll over and go back to sleep.
Although I'm ending rather abruptly, I'm still mulling over all of this. The next morning at church, I spoke with this pastor about my dream. Look for the continuation over the next few days.
Be blessed my friends!!!!!!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Disconnect
It's been over a week since I've written anything, and the absence is most definitely a part of what is happening to me.
To me...
Interesting choice of words that I seldom use. For me, in me, around me...all are common statements that I make. Obviously I'm overwhelmingly busy. In the midst of the insanity in my life right now, however, is the most disturbing feeling of being unable to get to God.
Reading the Bible: only for school.
Prayer life: dismal.
Worship: going through the motions.
Joy: non-existent.
Attitude: negative.
His Presence is always this powerful thing in my world, and here lately, I can't really feel it. I absolutely KNOW that this has nothing to do with Him, because He is always the same, and that it's something within me. I'm also positive that this is some new and distracting form of spiritual warfare designed to deter me from God's awesome plan in my life.
But it sucks...really, really sucks.
So I'm at lamenting, begging, and trying to take from my school-oriented reading of Job something applicable to my situation. It's a good place to start.
To me...
Interesting choice of words that I seldom use. For me, in me, around me...all are common statements that I make. Obviously I'm overwhelmingly busy. In the midst of the insanity in my life right now, however, is the most disturbing feeling of being unable to get to God.
Reading the Bible: only for school.
Prayer life: dismal.
Worship: going through the motions.
Joy: non-existent.
Attitude: negative.
His Presence is always this powerful thing in my world, and here lately, I can't really feel it. I absolutely KNOW that this has nothing to do with Him, because He is always the same, and that it's something within me. I'm also positive that this is some new and distracting form of spiritual warfare designed to deter me from God's awesome plan in my life.
But it sucks...really, really sucks.
So I'm at lamenting, begging, and trying to take from my school-oriented reading of Job something applicable to my situation. It's a good place to start.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Priorities
Oh it's that time again folks. Week 6, welcome to the insanity. This time around I have added busy-ness in my life to increase the stress level. I suppose I will just run down the list in a boring fashion with nuggets of thought interspersed.
Research papers - As usual, I have 2 research papers to write in the next 3 weeks, with other exams and essays and reading to do, of course. After finishing the paper on hell that has been plaguing me for the last week, I'm now turning my attention to the following topics: Job 38-42 and God's Response, and the Spiritual Gift of Tongues. It's time to buckle down and say goodbye to my social life.
Social life - Speaking of said social life, hmmm, yeah, something worth noting...I had a small disagreement with the person I've been sorta dating. Since that happened 4 days ago, he has been gone on a weekend trip, and I feel like I've been forgotten. In the process of these last couple of days, I've reintegrated myself into my normal single life, and had a realization that could be painfully misconstrued. I have come to realize that with this particular man, I would turn myself inside out. I am different around him, and not in a bad way, or in any way that is somehow less, just different. I have a friend that talks to me about splitting your heart between God and your husband once you're married, and I can see somewhat what she's talking about. For whatever reason, this man makes me want to do crazy, insane things...the concept of what I would sacrifice for him is exhausting. Which is terrifying for me, because I like my single life with God just fine thanks!!!!! So I'm sitting in this place right now where I'm torn....between wanting to just crawl into God and forget dating anyone, because I value this relationship too much, or giving myself over to the design He created.
New job - Overwhelming stress in this particular area. I mentioned a few days ago that I had been offered a new job, and that I had turned in my notice at my current job. What I didn't mention, are the anxieties plaguing me about this new chapter in my life. I currently work part time at a daycare in the afternoons, and I float around filling in wherever I am needed, and doing chores. I received an offer last week for a full time position (6:30-2:30) leading a 2 year old class at a Christian daycare. I am beyond ecstatic, and at the same time, completely freaking out. I'm not ready to be responsible for my own class, I've only been doing this for 3 months, and as an assistant! How am I supposed to integrate a full-time job into my already packed schedule? What in the world am I doing? I have no idea how to do this! These are my thoughts and fears on an hourly basis as I consider what is coming in 2 very short weeks. I have completely stepped out in faith on this, because I am painfully aware that I am not equipped for this. But I did not seek out this job, it came to me, and I trust God completely, even though I am scared out of my mind. SCARED...OUT...OF...MY...MIND.
Ministry - I participate in several different things that I consider to be personal ministry opportunities. I lead small groups, participate in prayer and other small groups, play on the worship team. These things are all great, but I'm starting to feel spread thin, and I'm getting the sense that it's time to focus and down-size. I stepped down from nursery a month ago, and while I miss the babies so much, I know that God is bringing me to a very specific place. He has called me to worship, and that is where my heart lies. On a really brilliant, awesome, positive note, I have begun singing also, and for the first time ever this weekend, I reached a place where the technicality of the music fled from my mind and it was all about that moment of loving God. It was stunning, and I'm hoping to get even more comfortable with that place as He continues to do this awesome work in me. This week is spectacular, because I have two more opportunities to participate in worship with events at church. I'm even leading a song tomorrow night, and while I'm nervous, I'm also excited to get out of the way and let God do His thing. With this, however, comes the reality that I am not superwoman, and that it's time to let go of some other things. I am saddened by this, but over the next several months, I feel that I need to transition out of leading in other areas and put my energy, time, and abilities into this role that God has prepared me to assume for my entire life. Seriously, more on that to come.
So this is today, and I'm sick and not in the best of moods, but I'm just gonna pray and get on with the business of this amazing, beautiful, messy life that God has blessed me with!
Research papers - As usual, I have 2 research papers to write in the next 3 weeks, with other exams and essays and reading to do, of course. After finishing the paper on hell that has been plaguing me for the last week, I'm now turning my attention to the following topics: Job 38-42 and God's Response, and the Spiritual Gift of Tongues. It's time to buckle down and say goodbye to my social life.
Social life - Speaking of said social life, hmmm, yeah, something worth noting...I had a small disagreement with the person I've been sorta dating. Since that happened 4 days ago, he has been gone on a weekend trip, and I feel like I've been forgotten. In the process of these last couple of days, I've reintegrated myself into my normal single life, and had a realization that could be painfully misconstrued. I have come to realize that with this particular man, I would turn myself inside out. I am different around him, and not in a bad way, or in any way that is somehow less, just different. I have a friend that talks to me about splitting your heart between God and your husband once you're married, and I can see somewhat what she's talking about. For whatever reason, this man makes me want to do crazy, insane things...the concept of what I would sacrifice for him is exhausting. Which is terrifying for me, because I like my single life with God just fine thanks!!!!! So I'm sitting in this place right now where I'm torn....between wanting to just crawl into God and forget dating anyone, because I value this relationship too much, or giving myself over to the design He created.
New job - Overwhelming stress in this particular area. I mentioned a few days ago that I had been offered a new job, and that I had turned in my notice at my current job. What I didn't mention, are the anxieties plaguing me about this new chapter in my life. I currently work part time at a daycare in the afternoons, and I float around filling in wherever I am needed, and doing chores. I received an offer last week for a full time position (6:30-2:30) leading a 2 year old class at a Christian daycare. I am beyond ecstatic, and at the same time, completely freaking out. I'm not ready to be responsible for my own class, I've only been doing this for 3 months, and as an assistant! How am I supposed to integrate a full-time job into my already packed schedule? What in the world am I doing? I have no idea how to do this! These are my thoughts and fears on an hourly basis as I consider what is coming in 2 very short weeks. I have completely stepped out in faith on this, because I am painfully aware that I am not equipped for this. But I did not seek out this job, it came to me, and I trust God completely, even though I am scared out of my mind. SCARED...OUT...OF...MY...MIND.
Ministry - I participate in several different things that I consider to be personal ministry opportunities. I lead small groups, participate in prayer and other small groups, play on the worship team. These things are all great, but I'm starting to feel spread thin, and I'm getting the sense that it's time to focus and down-size. I stepped down from nursery a month ago, and while I miss the babies so much, I know that God is bringing me to a very specific place. He has called me to worship, and that is where my heart lies. On a really brilliant, awesome, positive note, I have begun singing also, and for the first time ever this weekend, I reached a place where the technicality of the music fled from my mind and it was all about that moment of loving God. It was stunning, and I'm hoping to get even more comfortable with that place as He continues to do this awesome work in me. This week is spectacular, because I have two more opportunities to participate in worship with events at church. I'm even leading a song tomorrow night, and while I'm nervous, I'm also excited to get out of the way and let God do His thing. With this, however, comes the reality that I am not superwoman, and that it's time to let go of some other things. I am saddened by this, but over the next several months, I feel that I need to transition out of leading in other areas and put my energy, time, and abilities into this role that God has prepared me to assume for my entire life. Seriously, more on that to come.
So this is today, and I'm sick and not in the best of moods, but I'm just gonna pray and get on with the business of this amazing, beautiful, messy life that God has blessed me with!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Peace Two
Three months ago, I went through some stuff that was pretty hurtful. As a reference point, here is an excerpt from a post that is directly related to what happened today:
I have tried with everything I have to be friends with this man, because I genuinely love him. Unfortunately, he has disrespected me one too many times. Earlier this week, he sent me a message that was rude and uncalled for. I let it go with very little response, merely stating that it was not ok for him to talk to me that way, and please for it not to happen again. He said he needed "space," so I gladly gave him all he wanted. I didn't ask any questions, or initiate any conversation for the rest of the week. As I was having a really great night with friends at the air show yesterday, I received a text message asking me what church service I was attending this weekend, to which I discovered was hidden the idea that he was going to bring another girl to church...(November 12, 2011)
There are a lot of nuances to this whole past situation, which I recorded, fought through, prayed through, ran away from, and broke more than a few times over. That is neither here nor there, because the true reality is that God has blessed me and opened up my entire world since that place of brokenness...I digress some. The action that was threatened me three months ago did not come to fruition until yesterday, at church, as I saw him with his new "girlfriend"...a word that comes to me through another person who happened to get swept into the scenario by association.
As I'm standing there talking with lovely women, socializing for God's Kingdom at church (which ideally should be a safe place) I saw her hanging on him, them walking away holding hands, and getting into her car on a Sunday morning after being 45 minutes late to service. I will not apologize for the honesty that is about to pour out of me, for I can't be anything other than real...
In that minute of clarity, so many emotions flooded me. I'm not even sure that I can identify them all, and I've been trying. I know that in so many of the reactions I had, I am wrong. Convicted wrong, because I should be a kinder, more loving person. I was angry..so incredibly angry. Not at him, ironically enough, just really angry over-all, and the phrase that popped into my head and heart and repeated in variations was, "Why does he get to be happy?" Allow me to explain...
I most definitely do not want to be the girl he was with. I know that infatuation is not real happiness. Knowing him as I do, I am also aware that he hates PDA at church. But I was envious that he is able to at least express that with someone in public. After everything that happened, and how completely wrong he was to me (I was very wrong too), and how I have turned myself inside out seeking God to right the situation, and he hasn't, and I've done the hard work, and he just ran away...why does he get to be the one that gets something rewarding?
It's not fair...
NEXT: Peace Three
I have tried with everything I have to be friends with this man, because I genuinely love him. Unfortunately, he has disrespected me one too many times. Earlier this week, he sent me a message that was rude and uncalled for. I let it go with very little response, merely stating that it was not ok for him to talk to me that way, and please for it not to happen again. He said he needed "space," so I gladly gave him all he wanted. I didn't ask any questions, or initiate any conversation for the rest of the week. As I was having a really great night with friends at the air show yesterday, I received a text message asking me what church service I was attending this weekend, to which I discovered was hidden the idea that he was going to bring another girl to church...(November 12, 2011)
There are a lot of nuances to this whole past situation, which I recorded, fought through, prayed through, ran away from, and broke more than a few times over. That is neither here nor there, because the true reality is that God has blessed me and opened up my entire world since that place of brokenness...I digress some. The action that was threatened me three months ago did not come to fruition until yesterday, at church, as I saw him with his new "girlfriend"...a word that comes to me through another person who happened to get swept into the scenario by association.
As I'm standing there talking with lovely women, socializing for God's Kingdom at church (which ideally should be a safe place) I saw her hanging on him, them walking away holding hands, and getting into her car on a Sunday morning after being 45 minutes late to service. I will not apologize for the honesty that is about to pour out of me, for I can't be anything other than real...
In that minute of clarity, so many emotions flooded me. I'm not even sure that I can identify them all, and I've been trying. I know that in so many of the reactions I had, I am wrong. Convicted wrong, because I should be a kinder, more loving person. I was angry..so incredibly angry. Not at him, ironically enough, just really angry over-all, and the phrase that popped into my head and heart and repeated in variations was, "Why does he get to be happy?" Allow me to explain...
I most definitely do not want to be the girl he was with. I know that infatuation is not real happiness. Knowing him as I do, I am also aware that he hates PDA at church. But I was envious that he is able to at least express that with someone in public. After everything that happened, and how completely wrong he was to me (I was very wrong too), and how I have turned myself inside out seeking God to right the situation, and he hasn't, and I've done the hard work, and he just ran away...why does he get to be the one that gets something rewarding?
It's not fair...
NEXT: Peace Three
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Hurry Up Already!!!
I heard someone say the other day to stop working on your weaknesses because we're weak at doing them! Perhaps there is room for a little chuckle here, but it almost makes sense. Sure, we should strive to become better at the things in which we lack, but what if maybe we shouldn't? Maybe we should just ignore those things, give them to God, and work on the things that we're already good at.
I'm terrible with patience.
Even when I'm trying to be impatiently patient, I do a poor job. I'm a instant gratification junkie, and I've been known to make a decision out of poor options rather than wait for a good one to come along. Granted, I've improved, but there are still areas where I should just throw in the towel.
Now, I know that God's timing is impeccable, and mine is crap. Got that. But I find myself sometimes saying, "can't we just hurry up and get to that part?" I'm wishing my life away, and that's not something I want to do. Instead of waiting patiently, I'm praying for days to pass more quickly, and the end result to be nearer.
So patience, maybe I should quit trying so hard and just embrace impatience and pray for God to fix it.
I don't like uncertainty, either, but I can save that subject for a different day!
I'm terrible with patience.
Even when I'm trying to be impatiently patient, I do a poor job. I'm a instant gratification junkie, and I've been known to make a decision out of poor options rather than wait for a good one to come along. Granted, I've improved, but there are still areas where I should just throw in the towel.
Now, I know that God's timing is impeccable, and mine is crap. Got that. But I find myself sometimes saying, "can't we just hurry up and get to that part?" I'm wishing my life away, and that's not something I want to do. Instead of waiting patiently, I'm praying for days to pass more quickly, and the end result to be nearer.
So patience, maybe I should quit trying so hard and just embrace impatience and pray for God to fix it.
I don't like uncertainty, either, but I can save that subject for a different day!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Open the Floodgates
The dam has officially broken, and I can NOT stop crying.
I try to be mostly encouraging and positive here, but I just don't have anything left today.
It seems like the harder I push, and the more I try, the more resistance I come up against. And I am
frustrated
I try to be mostly encouraging and positive here, but I just don't have anything left today.
It seems like the harder I push, and the more I try, the more resistance I come up against. And I am
frustrated
exhausted
overwhelmed
The irony of the particular situation that has me here is not without notice. My car is broken down and I was supposed to start working this week. Just reading that makes me feel kinda silly.
I bought the car, and the problem is something that was specifically repaired when I bought it. I paid for the parts, and had the work done so I wouldn't have this problem. Everything is still under warranty, but the fact of the matter is that I don't have the extra cash to pay for the labor. The guy who repaired it initially was the seller, and he will do it again, but he's out of town until Friday. So I'm stuck.
As for my job, after spending $130 for the legal hoops to get this tutoring job, and finally getting all the paperwork submitted, I was assigned 5 students on Friday of last week. I had appointments with 3 of them this week, and now I have to reschedule. I was going to be resourceful and ride the bus to my appointments, cause it's really not that big of a deal, but I can't find my prepaid bus fare. And again....kinda in a cash slump at the moment. Hence the reason I really need to work.
I'm just angry and irritated and confused and upset because everything was looking up, and I really need to start working, and I really need my car to do that, and it just crashed in on me today. And I've been managing and holding on to a positive attitude thus far, but I don't have anything left.
I even screamed at God, Why are You letting this happen right now after everything else over the summer? Why now? When everything is falling into place, and things are starting to work, why is the rug being pulled out from under me? Through some pretty hysterical tears, to be honest.
And not that this matters, but I pretty much was done when I went to get dressed and couldn't find the strapless bra I needed. It's a little thing...
I just feel like everything is conspiring against me to ruin the things that I desperately need to do right now.
Does God not want me to have this job? Is there something else that I need to be doing?
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
It's a Photo Story!
Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. -- Proverbs 4:23
Start with a heart.
Well, maybe smash it a little and put it back together.
Jesus holds it in His hands.
Build a fortified castle around it.
Add a moat.
Filled with vicious piranhas.
And man-eating crocodiles.
With a dense covering of landmines.
Surrounded by barb wire fence.
Ok, so I now have 7 types of defense...do you think that's enough???
Monday, September 26, 2011
The Return
Perhaps it's time to stop hiding from the world.
It was such a lovely, delicious thing. For every external thing that I say, ten more are swirling around internally. To turn all of it inward has been...interesting. I have decided to join the land of the living (aka facebook) once again. My experiment led me to discover a few things.
One....facebook has its uses. Invitations to events being the most important.
Two....I needed a facebook intervention. Even now, knowing it's active, I feel an odd twitch in my left eye. Not really, but close!
Three...5 minutes, and I was better off before. Nothing to be done about it now.
Life goes on.
I just keep taking the blows, invisible to everyone else, but each one melting through my fake smile, concussing through my body, seeping into my bones, dragging the energy out of me, taking more, stealing pieces of my sanity. It's funny how a hurt feels. It slams into you like a wave, then washes over you, leaving an ache all over, until it centers, somehow, in the specific physical region of your heart. There it settles, and kind of pulses with each beat, successive ebbs of pain that get a little fainter each time. After a few minutes, a dull ache remains, so the smile gets pasted back on, and you pick yourself back up, hoping the shockwaves are small.
So here I sit, all these little pieces of me in my hand, holding them up to God and crying, "Please fix me." I'm the only one paying this price right now. Which adds another dimension to this experience. I can only take it to God...even when I feel like I want to talk about it....exactly who am I supposed to go to? I've never run across any person who has been able to say, "I have been there" and really have been here.
Sometimes I just want to scream...this is not the life I ordered!
I don't even mind that it's hard....it's supposed to be. But on days like today, when the cross I bear is more than I can carry, when my knees are weak and I'm stumbling, and all I want to do is cry (which I don't do much), I just don't know what to do.
Except turn off the lights, crawl in bed, and pray harder than I ever have before. Get up, grab a kleenex, write it down (or type it out), and keep going.
It was such a lovely, delicious thing. For every external thing that I say, ten more are swirling around internally. To turn all of it inward has been...interesting. I have decided to join the land of the living (aka facebook) once again. My experiment led me to discover a few things.
One....facebook has its uses. Invitations to events being the most important.
Two....I needed a facebook intervention. Even now, knowing it's active, I feel an odd twitch in my left eye. Not really, but close!
Three...5 minutes, and I was better off before. Nothing to be done about it now.
Life goes on.
I just keep taking the blows, invisible to everyone else, but each one melting through my fake smile, concussing through my body, seeping into my bones, dragging the energy out of me, taking more, stealing pieces of my sanity. It's funny how a hurt feels. It slams into you like a wave, then washes over you, leaving an ache all over, until it centers, somehow, in the specific physical region of your heart. There it settles, and kind of pulses with each beat, successive ebbs of pain that get a little fainter each time. After a few minutes, a dull ache remains, so the smile gets pasted back on, and you pick yourself back up, hoping the shockwaves are small.
So here I sit, all these little pieces of me in my hand, holding them up to God and crying, "Please fix me." I'm the only one paying this price right now. Which adds another dimension to this experience. I can only take it to God...even when I feel like I want to talk about it....exactly who am I supposed to go to? I've never run across any person who has been able to say, "I have been there" and really have been here.
Sometimes I just want to scream...this is not the life I ordered!
I don't even mind that it's hard....it's supposed to be. But on days like today, when the cross I bear is more than I can carry, when my knees are weak and I'm stumbling, and all I want to do is cry (which I don't do much), I just don't know what to do.
Except turn off the lights, crawl in bed, and pray harder than I ever have before. Get up, grab a kleenex, write it down (or type it out), and keep going.
Now where is my $200??
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Unconditional Love
You will know you love someone when you want him or her to be happy, even if his or her happiness means you are not a part of it.
I saw this quote today, and immediately it hit home to me. A lot of people throw around the love word like it has little meaning, and at times in our society, it seems to not. I am going on record to say that I love a lot of people, truly, honestly love them, for exactly who they are, faults and all, and wish them nothing but the best. For the most part, these people are in my life, but some of them are not. In some cases, circumstances, or just life in general, has created a situation where we are NOT in each others' lives. I still love them, and wish them every happiness.
I was seriously in love once. I mean, from your head to your toes, every single cell in your body, giving everything you have, completely open, regardless of what happens, in love. It was amazing, and it was awful. And he's one of my best friends, to this day. The entire story is a disaster, but let's just sum it up by saying that things didn't work out...in a rather shocking and graphic way. I got hurt, more than I ever thought possible, somewhat lost my mind in the process, and wondered how it was humanly possible to survive losing someone that I cared so incredibly much for.
When people hear the story in it's full craziness, they look at me with incredulity, and wonder why in the world I still speak to this person, let alone consider them one of my closest friends. But this is the part you have to consider...loyalty scores big points with me. It doesn't matter to me that once upon a time he let me down. All that matters to me, is that when it seriously counted, and I desperately needed a friend, he was one of the few still by my side. We've both done not so nice things to the other person, but the reality is that it has become a friendship marked by unconditionality.
We've both learned a LOT of things about forgiveness.
For myself, it was one of the greatest failures of my life. It taught me how to love someone, completely and without limits, even when that person hurt me the most. There was a brief period where I couldn't stand to face him. But I could never wish anything but the very best for him. Even when that didn't include me. And when that old moniker karma came along, I couldn't feel anything but sadness for his own hurt. He taught me what it really means to love another person, in spite of who they are. To not hold their faults against them, to pray for their happiness and success, to be willing to lay down my life, for even a day of theirs.
From a biblical perspective, Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. -- John 15:13.
From my favorite movie, The Notebook: The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever.
I began this post from the conviction of that quote, found as I was looking for quotes on unconditional love. It's on my mind, as I begin yet another journey in my life. In reliving the past, I want it to be known that I'm not harboring any old hurt or resentment from what used to be. Those days are gone, and now I'm grateful every day for the special friend in my life, the one I know I can call upon at any time. For story swapping, advice, help, or just an ear to vent. It takes time for these kinds of friendships to form. Time, and a deep knowledge of the other person.
I often use the word "transitory" to describe the relationships we have in our lives, and they are often just that. People come, and people go. You find that over the years, some just stick. These are the people whose numbers you never lose. These are the people that you can go days, months, years without talking to, and when that conversation finally occurs, it's like no time at all has passed. Some of my greatest friendships have been forged with people that caused a lot of pain. Such is the nature of love.
Unconditional love is truly an amazing gift. Something that we give freely to another person, regardless of the circumstances. The people close to me, the people I considerfriends family, are those that I have this deep and abiding love towards. I would do anything for their happiness, spare any cost, go any distance. The beauty in real love is that you do these things, expecting nothing in return. The best part, however, is that these people return it.
Loving others is easy. It's in the nuances of life, that we find out how WE are loved.
So I sit at a crossroads, faced with wonder at what will come in this next period. Time will tell me where my emotions really lie. I knew someone whose happiness was my complete and total goal. I loved them without restrictions, and unselfishly. Now, I'm sifting through the anger and hurt of the situation, and it's hard to feel a lot of positive emotions. I'm praying, and I'm trying.
I keep asking myself if it's worth it, but only God knows the answer to that question. I made a lot of mistakes, as always, and now I'm waiting to see what amazing things He is going to do with those. As always, I wait upon the Lord, always putting Him first, seeking His counsel, and striving everyday to be a Godly woman.
Thank goodness His grace is new every morning.
I saw this quote today, and immediately it hit home to me. A lot of people throw around the love word like it has little meaning, and at times in our society, it seems to not. I am going on record to say that I love a lot of people, truly, honestly love them, for exactly who they are, faults and all, and wish them nothing but the best. For the most part, these people are in my life, but some of them are not. In some cases, circumstances, or just life in general, has created a situation where we are NOT in each others' lives. I still love them, and wish them every happiness.
I was seriously in love once. I mean, from your head to your toes, every single cell in your body, giving everything you have, completely open, regardless of what happens, in love. It was amazing, and it was awful. And he's one of my best friends, to this day. The entire story is a disaster, but let's just sum it up by saying that things didn't work out...in a rather shocking and graphic way. I got hurt, more than I ever thought possible, somewhat lost my mind in the process, and wondered how it was humanly possible to survive losing someone that I cared so incredibly much for.
When people hear the story in it's full craziness, they look at me with incredulity, and wonder why in the world I still speak to this person, let alone consider them one of my closest friends. But this is the part you have to consider...loyalty scores big points with me. It doesn't matter to me that once upon a time he let me down. All that matters to me, is that when it seriously counted, and I desperately needed a friend, he was one of the few still by my side. We've both done not so nice things to the other person, but the reality is that it has become a friendship marked by unconditionality.
We've both learned a LOT of things about forgiveness.
For myself, it was one of the greatest failures of my life. It taught me how to love someone, completely and without limits, even when that person hurt me the most. There was a brief period where I couldn't stand to face him. But I could never wish anything but the very best for him. Even when that didn't include me. And when that old moniker karma came along, I couldn't feel anything but sadness for his own hurt. He taught me what it really means to love another person, in spite of who they are. To not hold their faults against them, to pray for their happiness and success, to be willing to lay down my life, for even a day of theirs.
From a biblical perspective, Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. -- John 15:13.
From my favorite movie, The Notebook: The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever.
I began this post from the conviction of that quote, found as I was looking for quotes on unconditional love. It's on my mind, as I begin yet another journey in my life. In reliving the past, I want it to be known that I'm not harboring any old hurt or resentment from what used to be. Those days are gone, and now I'm grateful every day for the special friend in my life, the one I know I can call upon at any time. For story swapping, advice, help, or just an ear to vent. It takes time for these kinds of friendships to form. Time, and a deep knowledge of the other person.
I often use the word "transitory" to describe the relationships we have in our lives, and they are often just that. People come, and people go. You find that over the years, some just stick. These are the people whose numbers you never lose. These are the people that you can go days, months, years without talking to, and when that conversation finally occurs, it's like no time at all has passed. Some of my greatest friendships have been forged with people that caused a lot of pain. Such is the nature of love.
Unconditional love is truly an amazing gift. Something that we give freely to another person, regardless of the circumstances. The people close to me, the people I consider
Loving others is easy. It's in the nuances of life, that we find out how WE are loved.
So I sit at a crossroads, faced with wonder at what will come in this next period. Time will tell me where my emotions really lie. I knew someone whose happiness was my complete and total goal. I loved them without restrictions, and unselfishly. Now, I'm sifting through the anger and hurt of the situation, and it's hard to feel a lot of positive emotions. I'm praying, and I'm trying.
I keep asking myself if it's worth it, but only God knows the answer to that question. I made a lot of mistakes, as always, and now I'm waiting to see what amazing things He is going to do with those. As always, I wait upon the Lord, always putting Him first, seeking His counsel, and striving everyday to be a Godly woman.
Thank goodness His grace is new every morning.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Rid Me of Myself
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ. (Philippians 4:6-7)
Monday: Still reeling from my self-imposed spiritual trauma, I woke up to find my car being repossessed. Yes, I realize that does in fact usually happen after a long period of personal mistakes. I was well aware of the situation, and honestly just waiting for the ax to fall, but it hasn't made the transition any easier thus far. Food probably wasn't really on my mind, and I doubt I ate. Monday was cover my head with the blankets and wish I had never been born day.....with prayer.
Tuesday: So I wake up a little stronger....funny how it always happens that way. I contact a few people who I consider to be good listeners/advice givers/etc.....I called a cab, left the house, and went and had a long talk with a spiritual mentor. And I left feeling significantly better. I had plans to attend a youth revival that evening, and when I got home, I was thanking God for His amazing faithfulness. Then I walked in the door to my apartment, and the electricity had been turned off. Now, I thought seriously I paid it in June, but apparently NOT. I just sucked it up, thought to myself that Jesus didn't have a car or electricity in Jerusalem, and He was just fine (from a ministry standpoint, at least). I went to the church event, which was AMAZING, and came home to sleep in a pretty steamy sauna. Food: Sonic burger.
Wednesday: I awake to a very hot bedroom, but I'm thinking about how much worse it could be. I have no electricity, which means my cell phone is dead from no charging, my laptop is dead for the same reason, I don't have internet because the modem is off, my food is going bad, and the lack of a vehicle and any money has me trapped. At last, I decide this isn't going to do, and without knowing what exactly I'm doing, and having maybe a dime to my name, I take a shower, and leave the house, walking without destination. My path takes me down the street to neighbors I've never met before, who loaned me the use of an outlet to charge my phone, a cigarette (I'm stressed, ok?), and $7. God truly blesses! At the same time, I'm trying to be steadfast in the lack of power at my house, and the day is getting hotter. I have a new neighbor, that has been a Godsend....so I go visit my new neighbor, and I get a call from Teen Challenge about a speaking engagement that was planned for August. Surprisingly, they want me to speak this coming Monday night instead! God speaks and rewards us when we stay faithful! The day continued as every person I knew refused to loan me money to turn on the electricity, so I ended up begging, and the night was spent in church. I believe this was the day that my mom pretty much told me to give up. Food: three bites of pasta.
Thursday: Day 3 in the sweltering heat of no air conditioning. At this point, I'm pretty much starting to lose my mind, but I have an early morning appointment to get my last set of injections, which involves great drugs and napping. Again, my new neighbor has been an amazing blessing. I get another phone call, this time from the worship pastor at the North campus of my church, where they're having auditions in a week. I had decided not to go through with it, but the phone call changed my mind, and gave me something else positive from God to praise to know that He is with me, even as my world is falling apart. A few minutes later, the phone rings again, and it's my job, releasing me from my duties, effective immediately. Talk about ups and downs! And as I'm about to have maybe the biggest freakout of my entire mental life, my phone rings, and I hyperventilate to the one person I don't need to talk to! However, it's the one person who actually repairs the power situation, to which I am exceedingly grateful. Power is restored, last night at Branded by Fire (an amazing event), and I'm so full of God that I can't stand it. Food: rice.
Friday: We'll just go ahead and call this "lost my mind bad decision Friday." With the exception of my very last paycheck which still left me in the red, and not having any idea how in the world I'm going to produce money for the next two months, it begins as a good day. It remains a good day: I get a little cleaning done, fun evening with a friend, and two whole pieces of pizza! Unfortunately, I know what follows any "bad decision" day, and its usually "guilt ridden". I don't have time right now, however, to spend another 3 days freaking out. I have a million other things to do!
What's happening now, right?
Well, after a predictable guilty Saturday, I shook it off, read the Cross and the Switchblade, which is the inspiring story of how Teen Challenge began, and I've been praying about what message God wants me to present tomorrow night to these troubled kids. What do I say? I want it to be purely from God, and I don't want to misrepresent. Part of me keeps going back to my testimony as my strongest way to witness, but with the events of the last week unfolding, I'm not sure what to say. I just keep praying, and I keep coming across inspiring scripture, but it's all muddled in my brain. On top of that, I'm managing my anger, because I just love the way people are never exactly what you expect them to be. Tonight blesses me with a friend I haven't seen in 7 years for a brief visit, and the day involves praying and preparing for tomorrow night.
With everything in prayer and supplication....
I just keep dropping to my knees, both figuratively, and literally. Every day last week, bad things would happen, and I would praise God. Good things would happen, and I would praise Him even more. The cycle continues, and I just keep singing His glory. The devil stays inside my head, and I'll admit that I've lost a battle or two over the last week. But the fact remains that I am FREE from the "sting of death" of sin, that even though I screw up regularly, the amazing love behind GRACE saves me, although I am pathetically unworthy. I just raise my hands, and beg for forgiveness, thanking God for the gift of Jesus, knowing that the Spirit lives in me, blesses me, and guides my path. That even though I may stumble and fall, I am not lost, and I am not removed from the most amazing love EVER!
Monday: Still reeling from my self-imposed spiritual trauma, I woke up to find my car being repossessed. Yes, I realize that does in fact usually happen after a long period of personal mistakes. I was well aware of the situation, and honestly just waiting for the ax to fall, but it hasn't made the transition any easier thus far. Food probably wasn't really on my mind, and I doubt I ate. Monday was cover my head with the blankets and wish I had never been born day.....with prayer.
Tuesday: So I wake up a little stronger....funny how it always happens that way. I contact a few people who I consider to be good listeners/advice givers/etc.....I called a cab, left the house, and went and had a long talk with a spiritual mentor. And I left feeling significantly better. I had plans to attend a youth revival that evening, and when I got home, I was thanking God for His amazing faithfulness. Then I walked in the door to my apartment, and the electricity had been turned off. Now, I thought seriously I paid it in June, but apparently NOT. I just sucked it up, thought to myself that Jesus didn't have a car or electricity in Jerusalem, and He was just fine (from a ministry standpoint, at least). I went to the church event, which was AMAZING, and came home to sleep in a pretty steamy sauna. Food: Sonic burger.
Wednesday: I awake to a very hot bedroom, but I'm thinking about how much worse it could be. I have no electricity, which means my cell phone is dead from no charging, my laptop is dead for the same reason, I don't have internet because the modem is off, my food is going bad, and the lack of a vehicle and any money has me trapped. At last, I decide this isn't going to do, and without knowing what exactly I'm doing, and having maybe a dime to my name, I take a shower, and leave the house, walking without destination. My path takes me down the street to neighbors I've never met before, who loaned me the use of an outlet to charge my phone, a cigarette (I'm stressed, ok?), and $7. God truly blesses! At the same time, I'm trying to be steadfast in the lack of power at my house, and the day is getting hotter. I have a new neighbor, that has been a Godsend....so I go visit my new neighbor, and I get a call from Teen Challenge about a speaking engagement that was planned for August. Surprisingly, they want me to speak this coming Monday night instead! God speaks and rewards us when we stay faithful! The day continued as every person I knew refused to loan me money to turn on the electricity, so I ended up begging, and the night was spent in church. I believe this was the day that my mom pretty much told me to give up. Food: three bites of pasta.
Thursday: Day 3 in the sweltering heat of no air conditioning. At this point, I'm pretty much starting to lose my mind, but I have an early morning appointment to get my last set of injections, which involves great drugs and napping. Again, my new neighbor has been an amazing blessing. I get another phone call, this time from the worship pastor at the North campus of my church, where they're having auditions in a week. I had decided not to go through with it, but the phone call changed my mind, and gave me something else positive from God to praise to know that He is with me, even as my world is falling apart. A few minutes later, the phone rings again, and it's my job, releasing me from my duties, effective immediately. Talk about ups and downs! And as I'm about to have maybe the biggest freakout of my entire mental life, my phone rings, and I hyperventilate to the one person I don't need to talk to! However, it's the one person who actually repairs the power situation, to which I am exceedingly grateful. Power is restored, last night at Branded by Fire (an amazing event), and I'm so full of God that I can't stand it. Food: rice.
Friday: We'll just go ahead and call this "lost my mind bad decision Friday." With the exception of my very last paycheck which still left me in the red, and not having any idea how in the world I'm going to produce money for the next two months, it begins as a good day. It remains a good day: I get a little cleaning done, fun evening with a friend, and two whole pieces of pizza! Unfortunately, I know what follows any "bad decision" day, and its usually "guilt ridden". I don't have time right now, however, to spend another 3 days freaking out. I have a million other things to do!
What's happening now, right?
Well, after a predictable guilty Saturday, I shook it off, read the Cross and the Switchblade, which is the inspiring story of how Teen Challenge began, and I've been praying about what message God wants me to present tomorrow night to these troubled kids. What do I say? I want it to be purely from God, and I don't want to misrepresent. Part of me keeps going back to my testimony as my strongest way to witness, but with the events of the last week unfolding, I'm not sure what to say. I just keep praying, and I keep coming across inspiring scripture, but it's all muddled in my brain. On top of that, I'm managing my anger, because I just love the way people are never exactly what you expect them to be. Tonight blesses me with a friend I haven't seen in 7 years for a brief visit, and the day involves praying and preparing for tomorrow night.
With everything in prayer and supplication....
I just keep dropping to my knees, both figuratively, and literally. Every day last week, bad things would happen, and I would praise God. Good things would happen, and I would praise Him even more. The cycle continues, and I just keep singing His glory. The devil stays inside my head, and I'll admit that I've lost a battle or two over the last week. But the fact remains that I am FREE from the "sting of death" of sin, that even though I screw up regularly, the amazing love behind GRACE saves me, although I am pathetically unworthy. I just raise my hands, and beg for forgiveness, thanking God for the gift of Jesus, knowing that the Spirit lives in me, blesses me, and guides my path. That even though I may stumble and fall, I am not lost, and I am not removed from the most amazing love EVER!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Sin
It's like taking one step forward, and two steps back.
I feel like Paul, or David. Just a complete screw up.
Everything has a purpose and a plan. Amazing how I had to be reminded of that about an hour ago. I look back on the past decade, and I'm like, "Wow, God, you knew exactly what you were doing. You were shaping me to be this specific person with every awful thing, every single day, both good and bad." Somehow I'm having a harder time buying it today.
But I need something MORE! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't DO it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. --Romans 7:17-20 MSG
The sinner Paul, the apostle Paul, the murderer Paul, wrote those words. A friend told me one day that we have to learn to live in God's love, and to love God, without thinking of ourselves as horrible, sinful people. Pretty sure I can't exactly do that, because I'm a sinful, horrible person.
I heard a comment the other day that temptation was not sin. Jesus faced temptation, but He never gave in. The perfectionist in me wants to be that way, but how unrealistic is that? There's a reason why He is the only perfect person EVER...so that he would be worthy to take on the payment for the rest of us wicked little people.
I really hate Satan....just sayin...
I feel like Paul, or David. Just a complete screw up.
Everything has a purpose and a plan. Amazing how I had to be reminded of that about an hour ago. I look back on the past decade, and I'm like, "Wow, God, you knew exactly what you were doing. You were shaping me to be this specific person with every awful thing, every single day, both good and bad." Somehow I'm having a harder time buying it today.
But I need something MORE! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't DO it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. --Romans 7:17-20 MSG
The sinner Paul, the apostle Paul, the murderer Paul, wrote those words. A friend told me one day that we have to learn to live in God's love, and to love God, without thinking of ourselves as horrible, sinful people. Pretty sure I can't exactly do that, because I'm a sinful, horrible person.
I heard a comment the other day that temptation was not sin. Jesus faced temptation, but He never gave in. The perfectionist in me wants to be that way, but how unrealistic is that? There's a reason why He is the only perfect person EVER...so that he would be worthy to take on the payment for the rest of us wicked little people.
I really hate Satan....just sayin...
Monday, June 27, 2011
Spiritual Warfare
This topic may be controversial, but I don't care, I'm going to say it anyways. And for the record, I already typed this once, and my computer is apparently participating in this process...just sayin.
Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with TRUTH, having put on the breastplate of RIGHTEOUSNESS, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of PEACE; above all, taking the shield of FAITH with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of SALVATION, and the SWORD OF THE SPIRIT, which is theWORD OF GOD; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints-- and for me, that utterance may be given to me, that I may open my mouth boldly to make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an AMBASSADOR IN CHAINS; that in it I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak. (Ephesians 6:11-20)
Powerful stuff. And you need every bit of it to fight a powerful enemy. That image, is exactly how I feel. I feel like I'm praying and praying and begging for God to help, and the whole time the enemy has his fingers inside my brain. God is giving me peace and refuge, but it doesn't last long.
It all started with the job thing. And I put my foot on the devil's head, and gave my notice. Which, apparently, REALLY pissed him off, because now he's going after my mind. Let me give you a taste of some of my most recent thoughts:
"Why are you trying so hard to fight your nature? You know you can't follow God's commandments for the rest of your life."
"You're going to be alone."
"You need somebody to fill a void."
"Give up, life is so much easier the way it was before."
Added to these nasty little thoughts that play on my weaknesses, he's foisting depression on me. Seriously? I'm pissed.....RIGHTEOUS ANGER. And I've been praying like there's no tomorrow.
In the moment it sucks, but realistically, I trust completely in my Father. I love Him, just for His majesty, and I believe that His plan for me is purposeful, meaningful, and that I can accomplish any task He asks of me, so long as I surrender completely. I know that all these things in my mind are lies from the father of lies, and that the only true source of happiness comes from God. I know that I am NEVER alone because He is always with me.
But don't dare think that this stuff isn't real. I never considered it before, because the devil really had no reason to attack me before. I was putty in his hands, dancing along in all the sins of my own creation. But wow! Funny how when he loses a soul to God's perfect kingdom how pissed off he gets. And I had hoped, mistakenly, that by standing up to his attack on the job front, that I would firmly illustrate that all my trust is in God and that our relationship is steady and strong, but he's not giving up.
Part of me wants to give the devil a big F you, but I don't really think that's appropriate....or maybe it's the only time it's appropriate to use that language. I don't know. I'm not crashing, and I'm not teetering...but I am weary; weariness that comes from battling an enemy that you can't see, one that attacks where you are most vulnerable.
Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, salvation, the Spirit and word of God. The armor of God. Can I get that in a size small please?
Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with TRUTH, having put on the breastplate of RIGHTEOUSNESS, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of PEACE; above all, taking the shield of FAITH with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of SALVATION, and the SWORD OF THE SPIRIT, which is theWORD OF GOD; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints-- and for me, that utterance may be given to me, that I may open my mouth boldly to make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an AMBASSADOR IN CHAINS; that in it I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak. (Ephesians 6:11-20)
Powerful stuff. And you need every bit of it to fight a powerful enemy. That image, is exactly how I feel. I feel like I'm praying and praying and begging for God to help, and the whole time the enemy has his fingers inside my brain. God is giving me peace and refuge, but it doesn't last long.
It all started with the job thing. And I put my foot on the devil's head, and gave my notice. Which, apparently, REALLY pissed him off, because now he's going after my mind. Let me give you a taste of some of my most recent thoughts:
"Why are you trying so hard to fight your nature? You know you can't follow God's commandments for the rest of your life."
"You're going to be alone."
"You need somebody to fill a void."
"Give up, life is so much easier the way it was before."
Added to these nasty little thoughts that play on my weaknesses, he's foisting depression on me. Seriously? I'm pissed.....RIGHTEOUS ANGER. And I've been praying like there's no tomorrow.
In the moment it sucks, but realistically, I trust completely in my Father. I love Him, just for His majesty, and I believe that His plan for me is purposeful, meaningful, and that I can accomplish any task He asks of me, so long as I surrender completely. I know that all these things in my mind are lies from the father of lies, and that the only true source of happiness comes from God. I know that I am NEVER alone because He is always with me.
But don't dare think that this stuff isn't real. I never considered it before, because the devil really had no reason to attack me before. I was putty in his hands, dancing along in all the sins of my own creation. But wow! Funny how when he loses a soul to God's perfect kingdom how pissed off he gets. And I had hoped, mistakenly, that by standing up to his attack on the job front, that I would firmly illustrate that all my trust is in God and that our relationship is steady and strong, but he's not giving up.
Part of me wants to give the devil a big F you, but I don't really think that's appropriate....or maybe it's the only time it's appropriate to use that language. I don't know. I'm not crashing, and I'm not teetering...but I am weary; weariness that comes from battling an enemy that you can't see, one that attacks where you are most vulnerable.
Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, salvation, the Spirit and word of God. The armor of God. Can I get that in a size small please?
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Notice of Resignation
The official resignation letter:
Due to recent events, I no longer wish to remain with CVS/Pharmacy. As a Christian I feel persecuted by being asked to remain silent at the threat of losing my job. After the intense conversations of the last few weeks, being scheduled to work on a Sunday was the last form of discrimination I am willing to endure. My faith requires me to testify, no matter where I am, and if in doing that I will lose my job, that is a sacrifice I must make. However, to avoid that, I am actively seeking to end my employment.
I realize that finding and training another person takes a fair amount of time, therefore, I am willing to extend my notice beyond the standard 2 weeks upwards to 4-6 weeks, with July 31 being the very last day of my employment. I will abide by the ultimatum given to me about speaking of religion during this time, but I ask that I do not be scheduled to work on Sunday, as this is the Lord’s Day.
I fully understand that a business must be run smoothly with the personalities of all involved meshing well to create a productive environment that is both profitable and functional for the company. I have enjoyed my time with CVS, but I refuse to sacrifice my God for my job.
I pray that you will be able to find someone experienced and knowledgeable to replace me, that the business continues to grow and thrive, and that every employee I have met will experience happiness and joy in their lives. I will miss some of my favorite customers the most, as I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know them. Realize this has not been an easy decision for me, but one that I have no other choice to make, in light of the situation.
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