Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with TRUTH, having put on the breastplate of RIGHTEOUSNESS, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of PEACE; above all, taking the shield of FAITH with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of SALVATION, and the SWORD OF THE SPIRIT, which is theWORD OF GOD; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints-- and for me, that utterance may be given to me, that I may open my mouth boldly to make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an AMBASSADOR IN CHAINS; that in it I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak. (Ephesians 6:11-20)
Powerful stuff. And you need every bit of it to fight a powerful enemy. That image, is exactly how I feel. I feel like I'm praying and praying and begging for God to help, and the whole time the enemy has his fingers inside my brain. God is giving me peace and refuge, but it doesn't last long.
It all started with the job thing. And I put my foot on the devil's head, and gave my notice. Which, apparently, REALLY pissed him off, because now he's going after my mind. Let me give you a taste of some of my most recent thoughts:
"Why are you trying so hard to fight your nature? You know you can't follow God's commandments for the rest of your life."
"You're going to be alone."
"You need somebody to fill a void."
"Give up, life is so much easier the way it was before."
Added to these nasty little thoughts that play on my weaknesses, he's foisting depression on me. Seriously? I'm pissed.....RIGHTEOUS ANGER. And I've been praying like there's no tomorrow.
In the moment it sucks, but realistically, I trust completely in my Father. I love Him, just for His majesty, and I believe that His plan for me is purposeful, meaningful, and that I can accomplish any task He asks of me, so long as I surrender completely. I know that all these things in my mind are lies from the father of lies, and that the only true source of happiness comes from God. I know that I am NEVER alone because He is always with me.
But don't dare think that this stuff isn't real. I never considered it before, because the devil really had no reason to attack me before. I was putty in his hands, dancing along in all the sins of my own creation. But wow! Funny how when he loses a soul to God's perfect kingdom how pissed off he gets. And I had hoped, mistakenly, that by standing up to his attack on the job front, that I would firmly illustrate that all my trust is in God and that our relationship is steady and strong, but he's not giving up.
Part of me wants to give the devil a big F you, but I don't really think that's appropriate....or maybe it's the only time it's appropriate to use that language. I don't know. I'm not crashing, and I'm not teetering...but I am weary; weariness that comes from battling an enemy that you can't see, one that attacks where you are most vulnerable.
Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, salvation, the Spirit and word of God. The armor of God. Can I get that in a size small please?
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