The Dangers of Doctrine and Theology

My seminary studies find me reading about early church history, the various councils that decreed doctrinal issues, theologies that caused individuals to be called heretics, martyrdom, Eastern Orthodox versus Roman Catholic, and thousands of writings by a multiplicity of religious leaders. I've always been leery of organized religion, mostly because I felt it was a bunch of people shoving doctrine and rules down my throat. 

The fact that bible is so widely interpreted, that God is so widely interpreted, is saddening, and mind-blowing. I spend a great portion of my study time reading part of my class materials, googling something that was confusing or unsettling to learn more, picking up my Bible, staring off into space, and then going back to the text. I had a dilemma just yesterday working on a research project as to the appropriateness of using apocryphal writings as a supplement to the Bible. Apocrypha, for those that don't know (and I didn't before seminary), is the collection of writings, both Old Testament and New Testament, that were excluded from the canon for various reasons. They make fascinating reading, so long as one remembers that their exclusion from the Bible is based on the doctrine of biblical inerrancy. And there goes that word, doctrine...

I pray every time I study to God that He will show me what the truth is. I don't want to be someone who recites doctrine and theology that make no sense. I only want to represent our King as He truly is.
 
I have a favorite website that has a list of 10 things to remember to keep one's sanity while in seminary school. Among other nuggets of wisdom is to forget the idealogies that we currently have in place as we approach a new way of learning. For me that really wasn't so hard, because I've always been of the opinion that there is one true God, who offers us salvation in His son Jesus Christ, and that the Holy Spirit was a little confusing. Other than that, the various theologies accepted by Christian denominations around the world really didn't merit my attention, because I'm pretty sure that the "church" today isn't the church that Jesus had planned. My own studies and experiences over the last year, pre-seminary, have furthered my knowledge and relationship with all three persons of the Trinity. But still something in me rebels against the doctrine of the Trinity. I don't know what it is. 

It's not as if I'm trying to define new doctrine and theology. I just want to explore the Bible, and the extra-canonical writings in an attempt to further understand how we are to serve God. I've heard that when we truly love God, sinning no longer seems appealing, and that's the truth. I've also heard that we don't comprehend how to love God, and that we have to ask Him how to even do that, and I also concur. In loving God, and serving God, and following His commandments, and celebrating the awesomeness of GRACE, theology and doctrine are just words.

Unfortunately, they are powerful words, upon which churches have been built, and lives have been taken.