Priorities

Oh it's that time again folks. Week 6, welcome to the insanity. This time around I have added busy-ness in my life to increase the stress level. I suppose I will just run down the list in a boring fashion with nuggets of thought interspersed.

Research papers - As usual, I have 2 research papers to write in the next 3 weeks, with other exams and essays and reading to do, of course. After finishing the paper on hell that has been plaguing me for the last week, I'm now turning my attention to the following topics: Job 38-42 and God's Response, and the Spiritual Gift of Tongues. It's time to buckle down and say goodbye to my social life.

Social life - Speaking of said social life, hmmm, yeah, something worth noting...I had a small disagreement with the person I've been sorta dating. Since that happened 4 days ago, he has been gone on a weekend trip, and I feel like I've been forgotten. In the process of these last couple of days, I've reintegrated myself into my normal single life, and had a realization that could be painfully misconstrued. I have come to realize that with this particular man, I would turn myself inside out. I am different around him, and not in a bad way, or in any way that is somehow less, just different. I have a friend that talks to me about splitting your heart between God and your husband once you're married, and I can see somewhat what she's talking about. For whatever reason, this man makes me want to do crazy, insane things...the concept of what I would sacrifice for him is exhausting. Which is terrifying for me, because I like my single life with God just fine thanks!!!!! So I'm sitting in this place right now where I'm torn....between wanting to just crawl into God and forget dating anyone, because I value this relationship too much, or giving myself over to the design He created.

New job - Overwhelming stress in this particular area. I mentioned a few days ago that I had been offered a new job, and that I had turned in my notice at my current job. What I didn't mention, are the anxieties plaguing me about this new chapter in my life. I currently work part time at a daycare in the afternoons, and I float around filling in wherever I am needed, and doing chores. I received an offer last week for a full time position (6:30-2:30) leading a 2 year old class at a Christian daycare. I am beyond ecstatic, and at the same time, completely freaking out. I'm not ready to be responsible for my own class, I've only been doing this for 3 months, and as an assistant! How am I supposed to integrate a full-time job into my already packed schedule? What in the world am I doing? I have no idea how to do this! These are my thoughts and fears on an hourly basis as I consider what is coming in 2 very short weeks. I have completely stepped out in faith on this, because I am painfully aware that I am not equipped for this. But I did not seek out this job, it came to me, and I trust God completely, even though I am scared out of my mind. SCARED...OUT...OF...MY...MIND.

Ministry - I participate in several different things that I consider to be personal ministry opportunities. I lead small groups, participate in prayer and other small groups, play on the worship team. These things are all great, but I'm starting to feel spread thin, and I'm getting the sense that it's time to focus and down-size. I stepped down from nursery a month ago, and while I miss the babies so much, I know that God is bringing me to a very specific place. He has called me to worship, and that is where my heart lies. On a really brilliant, awesome, positive note, I have begun singing also, and for the first time ever this weekend, I reached a place where the technicality of the music fled from my mind and it was all about that moment of loving God. It was stunning, and I'm hoping to get even more comfortable with that place as He continues to do this awesome work in me. This week is spectacular, because I have two more opportunities to participate in worship with events at church. I'm even leading a song tomorrow night, and while I'm nervous, I'm also excited to get out of the way and let God do His thing. With this, however, comes the reality that I am not superwoman, and that it's time to let go of some other things. I am saddened by this, but over the next several months, I feel that I need to transition out of leading in other areas and put my energy, time, and abilities into this role that God has prepared me to assume for my entire life. Seriously, more on that to come.

So this is today, and I'm sick and not in the best of moods,  but I'm just gonna pray and get on with the business of this amazing, beautiful, messy life that God has blessed me with!