Three months ago, I went through some stuff that was pretty hurtful. As a reference point, here is an excerpt from a post that is directly related to what happened today:
I have tried with everything I have to be friends with this man, because I genuinely love him. Unfortunately, he has disrespected me one too many times. Earlier this week, he sent me a message that was rude and uncalled for. I let it go with very little response, merely stating that it was not ok for him to talk to me that way, and please for it not to happen again. He said he needed "space," so I gladly gave him all he wanted. I didn't ask any questions, or initiate any conversation for the rest of the week. As I was having a really great night with friends at the air show yesterday, I received a text message asking me what church service I was attending this weekend, to which I discovered was hidden the idea that he was going to bring another girl to church...(November 12, 2011)
There are a lot of nuances to this whole past situation, which I recorded, fought through, prayed through, ran away from, and broke more than a few times over. That is neither here nor there, because the true reality is that God has blessed me and opened up my entire world since that place of brokenness...I digress some. The action that was threatened me three months ago did not come to fruition until yesterday, at church, as I saw him with his new "girlfriend"...a word that comes to me through another person who happened to get swept into the scenario by association.
As I'm standing there talking with lovely women, socializing for God's Kingdom at church (which ideally should be a safe place) I saw her hanging on him, them walking away holding hands, and getting into her car on a Sunday morning after being 45 minutes late to service. I will not apologize for the honesty that is about to pour out of me, for I can't be anything other than real...
In that minute of clarity, so many emotions flooded me. I'm not even sure that I can identify them all, and I've been trying. I know that in so many of the reactions I had, I am wrong. Convicted wrong, because I should be a kinder, more loving person. I was angry..so incredibly angry. Not at him, ironically enough, just really angry over-all, and the phrase that popped into my head and heart and repeated in variations was, "Why does he get to be happy?" Allow me to explain...
I most definitely do not want to be the girl he was with. I know that infatuation is not real happiness. Knowing him as I do, I am also aware that he hates PDA at church. But I was envious that he is able to at least express that with someone in public. After everything that happened, and how completely wrong he was to me (I was very wrong too), and how I have turned myself inside out seeking God to right the situation, and he hasn't, and I've done the hard work, and he just ran away...why does he get to be the one that gets something rewarding?
It's not fair...
NEXT: Peace Three
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