I've been staring at this blank screen for almost 24 hours, knowing that I've got something to say, but honestly unsure about how to begin. I know once the words start flowing that it will all come out the way it's supposed to. For the moment, picture an old black and white photo of an individual, staring pensively into space, smoke billowing into the room, just looking for those words.
I am SO NOT perfect.
But in the spirit of the fourth beatitude, I long for holiness. It started out as what God can do for me, and stayed that way for 30 years. Then it became what I could do for God. It's no longer about doing or becoming, but about resting in what has already transpired. I doubt this is making much sense.
I've been married twice. And I've been divorced twice. The past...is the past. And for so many reasons, I adopted this "never again" standpoint. I'm not good at being married, I can't have kids, monogamy isn't natural (yes, I said that), Mathew 19 is so harsh on divorce and I've already screwed up, Jesus and Paul promoted celibacy...etc. But God created things to be a certain ideal way, and the person I am constantly becoming gets closer and closer to His plan.
His grace is sufficient for ME.
I believe in a God that redeems. Every single sin. This isn't to blindly say that grace is free, on the contrary, it's going to cost you everything. It's going to cost you your life, because the only way to transparently and honestly enjoy grace, is to recognize that you must hand over all of you to God. All of your dreams, all of your wants, all of your hopes, all of your failures, and everything that selfishly demands control. I get a really good laugh out of the fact that when I realized God's plan for my life, I thought I had it figured out. I was wrong, as usual. To be honest, I get pieces of the puzzle of what God is doing in me. So I don't know what He wants...but I know what He says.
Then the Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him." -- Genesis 3:18
From the very beginning, God realized that we, as humans, need companionship. But it's not even that simple, because being alone is not the same thing as being lonely. We must find fulfillment in our relationship with God, and learn what love really is, before we can begin to love others. Yes, I'm talking about marriage. Whew, that was a little scary, just putting it out there on the page. I would be insane not to be a little afraid of the concept, after all, it's not exactly my forte. Only God can heal what is broken. I thought that I deserved to be alone because I had already ruined the sacrament. But God doesn't punish...He redeems.
I want...
Perhaps my biological clock is running away with my mind. Or perhaps I just get it for the first time ever. I'm not lonely, for I have learned to find the utmost joy in solitude. I don't feel like something is missing, but I want to go deeper. I see this amazing and beautiful spiritual union that God has designed for two people, and I yearn to have that with someone in this life. Someone to completely share my crazy love for God. A man that does his part as a man of integrity, thereby allowing me to be the helper, to be the bones and flesh of him, strength and weakness in complement to another, to share that naked vulnerability that comes in relationship to God. Someone that will say, "I've put God above all others, and so have you, so let's do this together." A Godly life is a marathon, and I want a permanent running partner.
Perhaps I sound coy, but I'm not trying to be. This is really difficult, and goes so deep, that the words are lost inside my psyche. I thought that this wasn't for me, but I've come to the realization that God puts these desires inside our heart for a reason. I can't worship God 24/7 in this life, because this world is broken. And I wait (somewhat impatiently) for the day that I can sit at His feet and overflow with praise and adoration. Whether in heaven or the kingdom to come, I will have that opportunity. To worship God forever in complete abandon. The fact remains that I probably have about another 50 or so years here in this body, and I want to spend them with a man that longs for the same thing. I want to share this life experience of being enamored of God with someone who knows my secrets, and would give anything for me, as I selflessly and unconditionally love them for all their flaws and perfections. I want to intimately share with another person what I share with God. And there's more...
Be fruitful and multiply.--Genesis 9:7
What?!? Yeah, me too. It isn't that I don't think children are amazing, on the contrary, I think they're completely awesome. Nothing makes me more happy than holding a baby, or cuddling with my nephew, or watching an animated movie with him. They're like these precious little bundles of perfect joy. Everything about children is a complete miracle. Which is where my hesitation arises.
Some of you know what it is to hear a doctor tell you that what is supposed to work effortlessly is broken. To stare at an ultrasound screen and see that the medication failed. To hold your breath after 28 days only to be crushed when mother nature reminds you again that the most basic of biological functions is a foreign concept. To undergo tests and procedures, only to be told that everything is fine structurally. To try, and try, and just be SAD because maybe you'll never know what it is to conceive a child, and feel it growing, and to see the blessing of a miracle when you look at that child's face.
So I did what I do best, and I just bounced off the pavement. I went on the offensive and decided that I was not going to play the fertility game ever again. That I was going to choose not to ever have kids, because then I was in control of the situation. To never get married because I didn't want to burden someone else with my own loss.
With my own failure.
Millions of people battle infertility, and I realize that I am in no way special or unique. But I know that my God is mighty in all His glory, and that Jesus has paid the steep price of sin and death and destruction, even that within our own bodies. I could stride into this world bold and alone, and set it on fire. It just doesn't feel right. I was made for this, women were made for this. We were designed as a help, a companion, an equal, a creator within God's own creation. I keep finding myself back at Proverbs 31...she is a wife, a mother, a businesswoman, a homemaker...and she loves the Lord with all her heart. She is all things, as she was made to be.
It's not like I have any prospects for even a date, let alone marriage and family. But as I strive to become more holy, more righteous, I seem to embrace the life God promised us. God redeems women in our salvation history, He rewards the faithful, and His every purpose is to bring glory to His name. I truly have no idea what He's going to do with me, but I am confident and assured in the fact that His perfect will be done, that He will take these things inside my own heart, things He put there, and turn them into something that is good and holy.
No comments:
Post a Comment