Priorities

Oh it's that time again folks. Week 6, welcome to the insanity. This time around I have added busy-ness in my life to increase the stress level. I suppose I will just run down the list in a boring fashion with nuggets of thought interspersed.

Research papers - As usual, I have 2 research papers to write in the next 3 weeks, with other exams and essays and reading to do, of course. After finishing the paper on hell that has been plaguing me for the last week, I'm now turning my attention to the following topics: Job 38-42 and God's Response, and the Spiritual Gift of Tongues. It's time to buckle down and say goodbye to my social life.

Social life - Speaking of said social life, hmmm, yeah, something worth noting...I had a small disagreement with the person I've been sorta dating. Since that happened 4 days ago, he has been gone on a weekend trip, and I feel like I've been forgotten. In the process of these last couple of days, I've reintegrated myself into my normal single life, and had a realization that could be painfully misconstrued. I have come to realize that with this particular man, I would turn myself inside out. I am different around him, and not in a bad way, or in any way that is somehow less, just different. I have a friend that talks to me about splitting your heart between God and your husband once you're married, and I can see somewhat what she's talking about. For whatever reason, this man makes me want to do crazy, insane things...the concept of what I would sacrifice for him is exhausting. Which is terrifying for me, because I like my single life with God just fine thanks!!!!! So I'm sitting in this place right now where I'm torn....between wanting to just crawl into God and forget dating anyone, because I value this relationship too much, or giving myself over to the design He created.

New job - Overwhelming stress in this particular area. I mentioned a few days ago that I had been offered a new job, and that I had turned in my notice at my current job. What I didn't mention, are the anxieties plaguing me about this new chapter in my life. I currently work part time at a daycare in the afternoons, and I float around filling in wherever I am needed, and doing chores. I received an offer last week for a full time position (6:30-2:30) leading a 2 year old class at a Christian daycare. I am beyond ecstatic, and at the same time, completely freaking out. I'm not ready to be responsible for my own class, I've only been doing this for 3 months, and as an assistant! How am I supposed to integrate a full-time job into my already packed schedule? What in the world am I doing? I have no idea how to do this! These are my thoughts and fears on an hourly basis as I consider what is coming in 2 very short weeks. I have completely stepped out in faith on this, because I am painfully aware that I am not equipped for this. But I did not seek out this job, it came to me, and I trust God completely, even though I am scared out of my mind. SCARED...OUT...OF...MY...MIND.

Ministry - I participate in several different things that I consider to be personal ministry opportunities. I lead small groups, participate in prayer and other small groups, play on the worship team. These things are all great, but I'm starting to feel spread thin, and I'm getting the sense that it's time to focus and down-size. I stepped down from nursery a month ago, and while I miss the babies so much, I know that God is bringing me to a very specific place. He has called me to worship, and that is where my heart lies. On a really brilliant, awesome, positive note, I have begun singing also, and for the first time ever this weekend, I reached a place where the technicality of the music fled from my mind and it was all about that moment of loving God. It was stunning, and I'm hoping to get even more comfortable with that place as He continues to do this awesome work in me. This week is spectacular, because I have two more opportunities to participate in worship with events at church. I'm even leading a song tomorrow night, and while I'm nervous, I'm also excited to get out of the way and let God do His thing. With this, however, comes the reality that I am not superwoman, and that it's time to let go of some other things. I am saddened by this, but over the next several months, I feel that I need to transition out of leading in other areas and put my energy, time, and abilities into this role that God has prepared me to assume for my entire life. Seriously, more on that to come.

So this is today, and I'm sick and not in the best of moods,  but I'm just gonna pray and get on with the business of this amazing, beautiful, messy life that God has blessed me with!

Something Unusual

This may be a mess...

I feel overwhelmed, crazy, sad, stressed, and confused about why I am feeling all these things.My life is, admittedly, pretty insane right now. Things are changing rapidly, and I'm starting to feel as if I cannot keep up.

I got a new job, so I turned in my notice at my current one yesterday. The new one is definitely one of those things that is above my own natural abilities, but I am confident that God provided this opportunity, so I am stepping out in faith, even though I have a million insecurities about what is coming.

Part of what is coming from that is time...I don't have enough, and it's starting to get me. I'm feeling the stress and the crunch. Added to that is this book review that I need to write by Sunday night...on the subject of hell. Yes, I said hell, as in the metaphorical place described in the Bible. I am getting hit with some pretty intense spiritual warfare, and have been since I began reading the book. A weird, depressed, sad, mood that is extremely dysfunctional, and trying. I just want to lay my head down and cry.

So just pray for me....I need all of God, as always, but this time I'm specifically asking others to intercede for me. That's all, have a blessed weekend!!!!!

Same Old Song and Dance

It's week 7, and I'm feeling the stress, the pain, the crunch that I always feel. At this point, I've experienced this just enough to be slightly dangerous to myself.

The writer's block is there, but I'm just pushing through as hard as I can. I have 3.3 papers left to write (because I've managed to almost finish one) in 10 days. One of them is a 12-15 research paper that I know is going to hurt my brain. But it's not due til next Friday. There is another long research paper to write, and I just found out I have to scrap everything I had and start from scratch...it's due Sunday. The third is a short (5 page) literary analysis of an OT passage, also due Sunday. Added to that all the normal reading, writing, and testing that happens every week. I was ahead when the semester started, and here I am, behind again. I just keep praying for endurance.

Added to that, I'm sick - I think I have the flu - and I don't really want to do anything except sleep, but I have way too much schoolwork to do to even consider that. Every morning I wake up and want to just lay there and rest my poor sick body, but my mind starts screaming at me to finish all the above mentioned work. I'm sure the stress is not helping my physical condition at all.

Oh, AND, I'm still extremely broke. Suffice to say that I'm still trying to not have my phone or electricity turned off. I work, I donate plasma (probably why I'm so sick), and I eat ramen noodles. Why is this so hard???? I hate being poor. As a side note, and why not, right? There is a button at the bottom of this page to support my blog. If you happen to be feeling in the generous Christmas spirit, I could most definitely use the help.

Last, of course, the 6 week "curse" came last week. I should probably explain this just a little bit. The guy from the truth posts has previously infiltrated my situation every single semester in week 6. Each time in the past, it has thrown me for a tailspin emotionally and spiritually, and in succumbing to the obvious temptation, I did myself in. True to form, something happened last week. I got this, hmm, I guess it was a letter, of semi explanation, and requesting forgiveness. Seriously, COULD YOU NOT HAVE WAITED UNTIL AFTER THE SEMESTER WAS OVER????? My initial response still, is "why bother?" I did not, and do not, need an explanation. The apology was nice, but in asking my forgiveness, I was obligated to respond.

The freedom (blog post on that coming soon) that I have gained since cutting the ties has been amazing and marvelous. I don't want to go back to the bondage I was living in before. Every time I see him now, I want to quote Jesus and say, Get behind me Satan! Now, I'm not saying in any way that this person is the devil, but we all know that he uses other people, even Christians, to harm us. And the enemy loves to use this particular person against me. I don't care if I have to hide for the next two weeks, but I am closing my eyes, plugging my ears, refusing to let even a hint of communication sway me from the path I chose. The Bible says flee from immorality, and I think about Joseph and Potipher's wife.

Just, ugh...on all fronts right now. Completely directed at Satan's attempts to ruin God's calling in my life, as he always does, every semester, faithfully at the 6-8 week mark. I hate that guy.

I Would Rather

I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.--Philippians 3:14

This is one of my power verses, for it speaks of the goal of my life here lately. Paul had it right, because he talks about pressing in to accomplish his desired end.

Seminary school is hard.

I'm going to just throw that out there, because the reality is that I could NOT do this without His guidance and will in my life. I am smarter than any one person should realistically be (not arrogance, just a fact), but seminary transcends the limits of intelligence. Unlike secular education and knowledge, the added trial of spiritual warfare shows its ugly face every semester.

God is molding me to be stronger with each test.

This is my 3rd semester of intensives, and I am taking 3 classes (Systematic Theology I, Old Testament I, and Church History I). 8 weeks to acquire, apply, and utilize that much knowledge is probably insanity, but God makes this possible. Classes don't officially begin until Monday, but I am already ahead of the game! It is a Saturday night at 10:45, and while many of my contemporaries, and likely fellow believers, are spending the time in enjoyable pursuits, I have been doing schoolwork.

I have completed all of my reading and work for OT, chosen my research topic and first article to critique for THEO, and completed the discussion board post for HIST. I am thanking God for this time. The title of this entry speaks to the fact that I would rather be doing this than anything else.

I haven't forgotten about "The Truth" posts, but this comes first. Looking at what God creates in my life to accomplish His will strengthens me in the temptations that I face. Reading about the patriarchs and their faith and God's reward reminds me that living according to His will is far superior to my own perceptions of happiness.

God is good...why do we forget that sometimes in deference to our own wants?

Balance

Oh yes the things I'm learning in this journey. Perhaps the most important lesson thus far: BALANCE! 

I've been studying for days. Poring over pages and pages of material on the Gospels, female martyrdom in the 3rd century, how Mary as Jesus's mother is a great picture of understand and accepting (with JOY) one's purpose in life, the early church and monasticism. My brain feels like mush. Seriously. 

You would think with all the God oriented type studying I'm doing that I would be one with our Father, but the opposite is actually true. As my friend Arnie told me the other night, "Seminary school is an intimacy robber." Yes, it is. I've been struggling to write for several days a very simple series of responses for discussion board assignments. And although I've read the information, indeed I know the information front to back, I couldn't seem to make my fingers do anything. I just sat and stared at the questions I needed to answer. 

Then it hit me....I wasn't feeling God. And I remember this very important point of the "10 things to remember during seminary school" article that I like to reference regularly, which pointed out that finding harmony and balance between all the responsibilities and obligations in our lives is more important than the grade.Granted, my grades are pretty solid, high B's and low A's, and I'm totally ok with that. But as the deadline for my assignments drew closer, I walked away, and crawled into my personal relationship with God.

Who am I kidding? I know that regardless of the fact that He's called me to ministry, I have no hope whatsoever of completing this test of endurance without our relationship being the primary focus of my life. It's easy to assume that someone in seminary school has definitely got their attention fully focused on Jesus, but it actually pulls you away because it's so intellectual, and the personal relationship with have with our King is so emotional. 

So my assignments are past due (a few points a day loss), and I'm working on them now, but only because I've spent the last couple of evenings intimately with God. It's a reminder that this takes endurance, and regardless of the fact that I have so much schoolwork due in the next week that I'm still not sure of how it's going to get done, the truth is that if I neglect my personal time with Him, it WON'T. But, if I sacrifice the desire for perfection in school, for the pure love and joy and peace that comes from being in His presence, I'll definitely succeed....although I might have to settle for a B.

Our God is so good! And he brings us gently back when we wander a little too far. I found Hebrews 12:5 last night as I was doing some random reading during worship:

My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord,
Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him;For whom the Lord loves He chastens,
And scourges every son whom He receives.

I'm ok with a blank wall being my gentle reminder that I've let school overcome me. With as many slings as the enemy has been casting my way, I can't afford to lose sight of Jesus for even one second.