Walk Away

One of my many favorite stories of the Old Testament is found in Genesis 22. Take now your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you (v. 2). This was the son of PROMISE..the son given to Abraham and Sarah in old (really old) age...the son that was to be the birth of a nation...that son that Abraham loved.

So Abraham gathers up his son Isaac, takes him up the mountain, proceeds to prepare the offering, answers poor Issac's questions about the missing animal, then raises his knife to slaughter his own beloved son.

Many of us, when considering this story, find it impossible to comprehend. In applying it to situations other than parenthood, it is still a difficult task to surrender something that God has graciously given us. We often tend to think that it is ours to hold, when the reality is that without God's provision, it would not be ours to begin with.

Do not lay your hand on the lad, or do anything to him; for now I know that you fear God, since you have not withheld your son, your only son, from Me (v. 12).

The first commandment given to us, and reiterated in the NT, is to love God above all else...other people and other things. Sometimes even the things that God has given us to serve Him can become idols.

I say all this as I share some news. I love worship; anyone who knows me even a little knows this much. The most difficult part of leaving Florida was leaving the worship team. I still knew the promise, but at that particular moment in time, I had to sacrifice it because God asked...to go to a place with no promise, no opportunity, no worship team.

Yesterday I took a position as a worship leader for a church replant.

If I had not painfully sacrificed that thing that I loved that brought me so much joy, I would not have received this amazing blessing. Always remember that the test of release is not about God ruining our dreams, or changing His mind, or breaking His promise. Sometimes the promise becomes so fixed in our minds that it overshadows the one thing meant to receive glory....God.

He loves to make much of Himself, so if He's asking you to walk away from a dream He gave you...ask yourself if maybe the dream has become more important that God himself. We are always nothing without being fully surrendered to Him. Far and above promises and dreams, He longs to be the only person that we truly cannot live without.

The Death of a Life

Sometimes dying to self is really the death of a dream.

I've sat here for two months and complained, bemoaned, wondered at the perplexing place I have found myself. Saddened by having to walk away from the life I had in Florida, but resigned to obedience at God's leading me back to Texas. People have asked me so many times, "Are you happy to be back home?" I would just look at them strangely, wondering if I should express my disgust for pastures over oceans, parents over independence, and rest over busy-ness...then chastened by the fact that there are tremendous blessings, even in my lack of exuberance: I can always go home, I have a job I like, I am healthy again...The truthful answer brought on so much sadness at the life I left behind that I was usually left to murmur something about it being both good and bad, then some nonsense about missing the ocean. 

As one chapter of my life closes, the door swings vibrantly open into another. In the wisdom of looking backwards, I now see that new things could not happen until the old has passed on. 

...unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and DIES, it remains alone; but if it dies, it PRODUCES MUCH grain (John 12:24).

Last weekend, I went to Florida to retrieve the last of my possessions that were left in storage. To say that the trip did not go as expected would be an understatement of immeasurable proportions. However, as the dreams and plans and relationships I had in Florida went up in a cloud of tumultuous smoke, I found something infinitely sweeter in the chaos. 

I have wondered what purpose God has in bringing me to Texas, and over the course of humbled and convicted emails, the answer has begun to whisper through my heart. 

Yes, having a dream ripped to pieces and destroyed is painful, and I have several times reminded friends in this very situation to take heart, for God obviously has something far more amazing ahead. In these moments of devastation, however, these promises can seem small while we mourn. 

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted (Matthew 5:4). 

I have stood in the pews at church during worship and sobbed over my situation. I have felt guilty in those moments for feeling so incredibly sad when I am so richly blessed. But that was my LIFE. I still feel overwhelmed when I think of what was. I have needed to grieve this loss. But as I cleaned out the last pieces of my dream in Florida, I laid it to rest. In eulogizing the great life it was, the following are some thoughts, perhaps not goodbyes, but farewells:

• I have been immeasurably blessed by the amazing leadership that I found myself submitted to in the Church while living in Florida. You have enriched my walk with Christ, and taught me valuable skills that I will carry forward into my own ministry. Thank you for being examples of integrity.
• To all the women that I prayed with at one point or another, you are beautiful. Shining examples of what it means to truly be a daughter of the King. I am humbled by your stories, encouraged by your faith and obedience, and inspired by your words in every season. Shine on, women of God!
• For the ones that broke my heart, thank you for showing me how to lean even further on Him. I came to Florida broken, and left healed, in spite of numerous attempts to further break me. I am sorry for my hurtful actions, and I pray that God uses those same experiences in your own life to enrich your testimony and faith.
• For the very small list of treasured friends, I love you deeply, and I hope that the friendship that solidified itself as I said goodbye last weekend will only continue to grow in the coming years. Thank you for holding me up as I cried in my anguish. 
• Oh amazing overwhelmingly beautiful coastal creation of God....farewell my love. We shall meet again, hopefully on this side of heaven, but assuredly on the other. You soothe my soul, and perhaps I miss you the most, but your glory is vivid in my mind like a picture frozen in time.

The new chapter of God's work in my life is only just starting to be written, and without being too cryptic, it is positively brilliant!!!! In these seasons of mourning a dream, remember that He is gracious and loving and knows that we need this time to let go....that death is a grieving process, but one that gives life in the kingdom of God. So let it die, cry from bottom of your soul, and smile brightly because your future is really, really stupendous!

And So It Begins

Early warning that this may seem a little sporadic,  but it all makes sense somehow...

I started having nightmares last week. In this period of calm, rest, nothingness, it was actually a breath of fresh air. It reminded me that I'm alive and that I'm still a threat to the enemy. Saturday night was the last occurrence, and when I awoke, I immediately felt the spirituality of the dream/nightmare, so I started praying. As I was praying I "remembered" that it was the third night of such events. After a bit of prayer, I fell asleep again, only to have yet another dream, this one much more obvious: a green snake with horns bit me on the foot.

I went to church Sunday with a renewed purpose and fervor to do God's will. Not that mine ever really died, it's just been in limbo the last couple of months while nothing has been happening. I came home, and anointed the entire house. I slept like a baby last night.

This evening, however, I am restless in my sleeplessness, overcharged as I desperately try to discover the next season of God's purpose in my life. Tonight there were talks in my house of starting a new church with a strong music ministry. As I laid here just a few short minutes ago, God whispered to me that the reason for my discontent of late is that I'm not doing what I was created to do.

My calling and purpose is worship...every part of my life for the last 31 years speaks to that: I was trained in classical piano for 11 years, active in band and choir in high school, almost majored in music in college. Regardless of all the technical history, God has anointed me to lead worship. The experiences I have had are far greater in talent and leading that I could ever achieve on my own...it is ALL HIM.

This season of rest is coming to a close, and I honestly could not be happier. I want to be a life-changer in the Kingdom of God, and fulfill what I was created to do. Knowing your purpose for God, and not doing it is the most frustrating thing I've experienced in a long time. I'm supposed to show people how to get into the presence of God, and futile efforts at anything else just do not satisfy.

And maybe there's pride, because all worship leaders have to deal with that nasty little issue. I enjoy experiencing worship from the congregation, I enjoy worshipping in my own private little world without a microphone or piano in front of me. Selfishly, I could take it in like a heroin addict: in the car, on the treadmill, in the pews, it doesn't really matter. Music is music no matter where I am, and I'm singing praises to God when no one is looking. But the reality is that God's call is His call....and although He is always enough, we are created to be a part of His body, to have a ministry, whatever form it takes.

This is about me, but I hope in reading it, you are challenged in your own walk with God, in your own calling, to seek and pray and discover the purpose that God has placed upon your life. Remember, Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you..(Jeremiah 1:5). This promise is specific to the OT prophet Jeremiah to be a prophet to the nations, but the truth is that God knew each one of us before we ever drew a breath, and He plans for each one of us to have a significant responsibility in bringing the Kingdom of Heaven here on earth.

Go find your purpose.

I Can't Commit

I have commitment issues in a lot of areas, but today, I'm concerned about one particular area: finding a church home.

Why is this so hard????

It's like a wheel of fortune of church attendance. Every week I think I've found it, then as Sunday gives way to Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, I start to feel a discontent. I don't even know what I'm looking for. Maybe just "that" feeling that I'm in the right place..which I have had slivers of.

Maybe I'm waiting for that feeling I had the first time I attended Liberty....which is preposterous, because I was in a different place.

I want the music to be just right, the preaching to be deep and inspiring, the people to be like me....

Am I shopping for shoes or a church?????

A couple painful truths:

• I enjoy flitting around the periphery because I have zero intention of staying in East Texas.
• I'm not sure I want to be part of a worship team because I'm writing songs and would rather put together a band to jam with privately.
• I'm avoiding the church I really liked because I don't want to get stuck there.

I have done some article reading about this process, and have read that some people have done this for over a year...over a year?!?!?!? 

I keep asking God what I should do....silence...

It's Sunday, so here I go again, a new church, new music, new teaching, new experience....

Lost and Found

3 weeks of searching and I found a church. Hallelujah, God is good. I've been floundering, feeling lost without the comfort of my amazing church family in Pensacola. I am firmly convinced that the people of Liberty will NEVER be replaced. That does not, however, mean that I am impervious to the need for the Body surrounding me, covering me, and keeping me accountable.

I should be joyful, victorious, celebratory...and I am...

But...

I still don't know where to go, and what to do next...

I love my family, but I can't stay here forever, and admittedly, they drive me crazy at times. The rest and ease financially is amazing, and part of me wants to curl up and take the easy road, while the rest of me longs to break free and LEAVE...again.

The pastor at my new church was extremely excited about meeting me today, wants to get me plugged in, leading worship, part of their team. I am grateful, but that means staying in east Texas...not exactly on my bucket list.

The World Race....11 countries in 11 months....massive missions work traveling the world...$15,500 in fundraising, leaving everything behind, pausing my seminary degree....this is a consideration. The things of this world are losing their hold in my heart, and I want to travel and serve others. Is now the time? Or is the opportunity simply exciting?

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Admittedly, the absence of a church family has taken its toll on me the last several weeks. Maybe I'm complaining, and maybe I'm confused, and maybe I should stop, because this is a season of rest....and I guess I just don't know how to sit, and be still, and WAIT...

Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart (Psalm 27:14)

In the Quiet

It's been awhile since I've posted anything, and it's because of the adjustments of moving. I never expected that I would have to give up the life I loved to move back home. When I left, I thought this life was dead. Apparently God wants to breathe life into it. In the past couple of weeks, a few learning experiences have been illuminated. I apologize if it seems somewhat scattered...

You are the light of the world (Matthew 5:14) - I am constantly surrounded by people that could be considered "unchurched." What a different world from the one where 99.9% of my friends were from my church. From my job to my family to my old friends, most of the people in my life are uncommitted believers. I am faced with the challenge of constantly making sure that I am exhibiting Kingdom principles, that my life is one that is above reproach, that in word, deed, and thought I am representing what Christ has healed and transformed in my own life. Going forth starts with going home in my case.

Be submissive to one another (1 Peter 5:5) - This is manifesting itself in the commandment to "Honor thy mother and father." I've been living my life the past couple of years under the teaching to be prepared to hate my parents to follow Christ (Luke 14:26). For that season, I needed to be independent and separated to immerse myself in what God had planned for me. This is a season of learning to submit to authority. I find myself subjected to the opinions of other's...opinions that I could ignore from halfway across the country. I repeat James 1:19 to myself: swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath...with an emphasis on the second part. Learning to respect the God-given authority when I do not agree is an exercise in self-control. But I am grateful for the lesson.

A servant is not greater than his master (John 13:16) - I have been serving the church for the last year, but service has taken on a greater meaning in my life. I'm not great at this, but I keep considering all the tasks I do, and I am trying to approach them as acts of service done in love for other people. It's no secret that I despise housekeeping, but I am reminding myself to consider every chore an act of service for someone else. It's a work in progress, but I find myself drawn more and more to the thought of greater service...missions.

Be still, and know that I am God (Psalm 46:10) - I read another blog today and read her thoughts on the still, quiet season. I am there. In the loss of worship that I loved so much, I find that there is a deafening silence. So now there is nothing: no worship team, no church family, no small groups. There is only my Bible, iPad, and prayer. I have been stripped to the elemental truth of the Gospel...left alone to hold tightly to my relationship with God...adrift in an unknown, yet too familiar environment. I am guilty of depending on the religious trappings to fill in the gaps of my own spiritual walk....it is all me, and all God. Sometimes there is fear of being weakened by this isolation, but then I dig in. There is no spiritual high, just a rest. Be still....

This is enough for now. I will try to be more faithful in blogging. I leave you with a song that has been speaking to me in the void; one of the last songs I worshiped to with the church I miss so much:

Letting Go

This is such an interesting experience...and when I use the word interesting, I mean INTERESTING. The range of emotions is weird, and different than I expected it to be. It has to do with people. There are some that I expected to miss that I do not. There are others than I almost forgot about, but now will not. Responses have been positive. There are some that I know I will never see again.

I came, I built relationships, some will last, but others will not. I will go, build relationships, some will flourish, some will not. It's the nature of life, this whole goodbye. There is something in me that is not built to say put...a restlessness that makes me want to be always moving. So now I go to Texas, but in the future, who knows?

I've got my directions from God, so that is what I'm going to do. Today, however, I finish letting go of this dream, the one I created for myself, the one I let capture my heart.

Goodbye Pensacola

Reading Test

"There is a voice in my head telling me to go home...to Texas...after the summer, when I've done the things I've committed to do, the things I need to do, telling me to go home. I'm homesick in a way I've never experienced. I don't know what's coming, or what's happening. I don't know why I'm confused, sick, tired, spiritually drained. All I want is more of God, and all I seem to be experiencing is more confusion. I miss my mom, I miss my family, and in the nearly 2 years that I've been here, I've never felt that way."

4 days ago, when I wrote that, I could not have foreseen the events that would come. The events that would demolish everything I thought and had planned. This is not official public knowledge as of 10pm Tuesday evening, but it's fairly well known.

I'm going home.

I have been a confused mess for 48 hours trying to decide where my life was meant to go next. I've cried, I've prayed, I've sought God, and after much deliberation and overwhelming emotions, I feel at peace with moving back to Texas. This was not how I wanted to do things, and as a matter of humor, I had said I was never going back to Texas...silly me for trying to limit my awesome, powerful God.

Although logically this does not make a lot of sense, God is yanking me back there for some unknown. This is not the easy choice...as a matter of fact, it's the hard road. It's got a wilderness feel to it, but that's ok! Not perhaps in the wandering for 40 years part, but in the blind faith required to believe that God has something there for me that is mind-blowing.

Because I'm human and obviously fallible, I laid down a couple fleece like Gideon, and also got an unexpected confirmation this evening. I let some of my family in on this fact today, but in the process, one of my parents informed me that he'd had a dream that I was moving home. I cried...again.

The things I'm going to miss about this place are too numerable to describe, and there is a huge part of me that wants to stay.

God knows better than I...He has planned every moment of my life, and knows what He is doing...even when I do not.

Promises

...your testimony will change people's lives...January 2011

...thousands coming to Christ because of you...April 2011

Worship leader...January 2012 (God)

When the foundation has been ripped out from under you, sometimes the only thing to do is write out the promises that God has given. These are my promises...

The musician in me quotes it like this:

When the world is shaking and nothing stands...Refuge

The bible scholar says it like this:

For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord...Romans 8:38-9

What Is Going On?

It's been an interesting day. Interesting week, interesting life right now, to be honest.

I do not know what is happening.

I keep waking up, plugging in, pushing forward, and I have absolutely no idea what in the world I'm supposed to be doing. *This is going to be a mess* I said goodbye to a friend tonight, and I have a jumble of thoughts in my head. There was a sadness in me when I realized I will most likely never see this person again this side of heaven. I am so grateful that God maneuvered a chance to see him before he left, because that's exactly what it was. After I said my goodbye, I almost ran out the door for one last hug as I realized the truth that I'll never see him again. But I chose to sit silently and ponder a few things. My head mulled over recent events, my heart, what I want, and what I don't want. As I headed home from a great night with friends, the ever present screaming madness of my personal trial made itself known. In an effort to push it to the back (because it confuses me), I started thinking about the summer ahead. Several people that mean a lot to me are going to be leaving, and tonight was just the first of many goodbyes to come. Despite all the things I could say, I only have one question to ponder...

When the summer is over, and they are gone, will I want to be here in Florida?

There is a voice in my head telling me to go home...to Texas...after the summer, when I've done the things I've committed to do, the things I need to do, telling me to go home. I'm homesick in a way I've never experienced. I don't know what's coming, or what's happening. I don't know why I'm confused, sick, tired, spiritually drained. All I want is more of God, and all I seem to be experiencing is more confusion. I miss my mom, I miss my family, and in the nearly 2 years that I've been here, I've never felt that way.

I'm emotional, it's been a long week, interesting day, and, as always, I need sleep. God will answer my prayers, lead me in the right path, and calm my confusion. But I just needed to get that all out in the meantime.

The Last Vestige of Hurt

I can't believe I'm blogging about this again...sitting here wondering if I really want to publish what I'm thinking...then here comes the fear, the thoughts that no one cares about my failures...I don't even care most of the time, but it sure makes for a great message on purity, redemption, restoration...AHA, I won't share it on social media outlets, and only the faithful will read...

Time is running out on the guillotine that hangs over my heart. I saw it on Facebook, and of course it must be official...he is leaving soon. It causes me to think about the last six months...the next six months. I began this self-imposed sabbatical from dating/relationships because I was tired of all the energy consumed. In retrospect, I think I needed these months for self-reflection, healing, and rest.

To pretend like it still doesn't hurt to see him every single week and remember all the pain is a lie. I push through, pray for peace, renewed forgiveness, compassion, wisdom, and all kinds of other things. For the longest time I've been saying that I wished he would hurry up and leave, but for the last month, I've actually believed it. I'm ready for this chapter of my life to be completed ended, completely closed. I'm ready to not be reminded of this mess every weekend. I'm ready to not care about his spirituality.

I'm ready to forget that he...I'm just ready to forget.

When we experience the loss of something, there must be a period of mourning. There is something about being bluntly reminded of it on a regular basis that does things to the process. In the five emotion continuum of denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance we get stuck somewhere between anger and acceptance. It took me a really long time to discover why I still get so mad every single time I see him. It led me to question my forgiveness for the whole entire situation. Then awareness came over me, and I read an article that spoke of the difference between forgiving the person, and forgiving the debt owed.

I am still working on that last part. I am still trying to figure out why any of it matters in the least. In the meantime, I wait hopefully for the day he leaves, knowing it will probably be emotionally traumatic, and at the same time, spiritually liberating. The healing process gets arrested every 7 days or so, and my friends wonder why I even bring it up, but there is something that makes me feel like I'm being taunted. As if I'm trapped in a nightmare that just keeps repeating itself.

He was never who I thought he was. But I'm still the same person who gives too much of herself away, then has trouble collecting all the pieces once they've been shattered on the ground. The time I've had, and the time I have left, are comforting, knowing that my heart rests firmly in God's hands, where it should. Knowing that I'm not being asked to take a chance on anything that isn't completely REAL. Knowing what it is to be loved entirely for exactly who I am...exactly who I am not.

Knowing that I can give every bit of myself away to the greatest love of my life and not have it handed back to me broken.

This is the reminder, this is the promise, this is me, being really transparent and vulnerable...and painfully honest, as always. In closing, 3 Doors Down These Days with a few excerpts for emphasis:

I think I was better off before this all began
So clearly I can see lately that you don't know who I am
Everybody tried to tell me something that I never could believe
Staring back it seems so much different than it did in front of me

But I know there's no good in looking back on yesterday
And wondering what could have happened then
You think you can give me what I want, you say
I think I 'm better off alone, these days

It's Not Leprosy

There is a time in every woman's life that is confusing in so many ways. Which one, you might ask?

Being single.

Before you stop yourself and think Oh this is just one of those pathetic single girl ,why don't I have a boyfriend, poor me I'm so lonely rants, I challenge you to keep reading. This is SO NOT THAT.

Last night I went to a lovely women's fellowship evening at my church. Unlike the normal format, this particular monthly meeting featured a panel of five women discussing the challenges of daily life. While I would first like to say that I am blessed beyond measure by the women I meet that pour out their knowledge and experience, there was something that left me unsettled...

They were all married moms. Which leaves me with some very disturbing/haunting thoughts:

Are we promoting a culture that devalues singleness? Are we teaching women that marriage is the only key to fulfillment? Are we saying that a woman does not have a voice until she has a husband and a child?

Those things are damaging. I am reminded of some very famous words:

...the form of this world is passing away. But I want you to be without care...the unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world, how she may please her husband...she is happier if she remains as she is, according to my judgment and I think I also have the Spirit of God...

The great apostle Paul, in 1 Corinthians 7, speaks to us about the state of being single. Even Jesus promoted celibacy in Matthew 19:12.

Again, I must pause and clarify: I am not some man-hating woman that wants to be single forever. On the contrary, I'd truly like to be married one day. Kids, well, I'll leave that one up to God!

What I do not want, is to be subtly told that I'm less of a servant, less of a voice, less of a person in ministry, just because I don't have a husband.

Because what if I don't ever marry? What about all the women who will never have a husband or kids? Are they banned from being powerful because they lack a husband? I think that Paul's words should echo and resonate in our churches, in our faith, in our spirituality. Yes, marriage is a beautiful thing, the closest relationship on earth to the one we have with God. But it is not an end state that makes everything perfect.

I do not have to choose between God and my husband, my kids, the laundry, the dishes, reading the Bible, quiet time with Him, committing to fellowship. There is no daily struggle between the other members of my fleshly family and God's will in my life. I am completely free to serve Him exactly as He commands. And THAT, my friends, is really a beautiful thing.

The Desert

For those that read:

I have been an unfaithful blogger lately. I apologize....life has gotten in the way. I am struggling to find the words to say that I don't know what to say. 

It's a rough season, but I've had rougher. 

I'm at burn-out levels, but I've burned out before. 

I'm irritated with people, but the ones that matter are still here. 

I'm confused about where God is leading, but I'm still following. 

I've gained weight, but I'm not doing anything about it. 

I've become inconsistent, but I'm learning to say no. 

I have nothing to say, but I'm still talking.

I have come to realize that life is incapable of offering me any joy.

My prayer life goes something like this:  I'm sorry that I suck lately...I don't know what is wrong with me...I  *sigh* don't know what to say...Please help me...

Music and His written promises are my existence...He is the only thing that makes sense, even though I am not faithful...I know He is here, but I can't feel Him, so I have to dig in harder, and listen to what He has already said...

When people pray for me, I want to laugh at the futility...

When I read devotionals, I feel empty...

When people ask how I am, I say "rough season" and leave it alone...

When He blesses me, I am humbled...

Even the vessels of Him that have sustained me before have become useless...there is no TRUTH other than Him...

I want to surrender, but I feel like everyone is watching me...

I want to worship from the brokenness, but I have to keep it together to play...

I want to retreat, but I keep getting caught in multi-hour ministering conversations...

I want to be weak, but there is a strength bubbling up in me that won't stop...

And He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness. Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.--2 Corinthians 12:9

My latest excuse for my inability to be perfectly on target lately...?

*shoulder shrug*...There's grace for that...

Never think that any part of me can do any of this...I don't know what I'm doing, and I'm confused every minute of the day...as I rest in Him, I realize that none of this matters, that all these words on this screen, going up into public view on the vast measure of the internet, probably make zero sense, and that I don't really care. 

This is me, living in the life God called me to, in all of its messiness, getting out of bed one foot at a time, and saying "GO" to this life, trudging through the crap with my cross, begging like Jesus in the garden for this cup to pass from me, all the while knowing that when I said the words "Use me," I was signing up for this, asking for God to prune me, shape me, mold me, break me, change me, USE ME, every moment, of every day, and if my insane, rambling, cacophony of thoughts about this brief season rings a bell with even one person, then I have been obedient...

Untitled

As I write this, I'm acutely aware that it may not get posted...that perhaps I'm not quite there. I don't even really know what to say...

It's 7:57 on April 7, the night before Easter. Hallelujah for the risen Lord!!!!!

Oh my goodness I just want to hide from people. It seems that every relationship, every conversation, every person that I know is somehow problematic to me. Not in an overt way even, just....ugh. I talked a short while ago having to run, and the translation I was given at the time was that I was entering a time of spiritual maturity.

Translation: rough season.

While I would absolutely love to run headlong into what God is leading me to do, be, whatever, the problem I find right now is that I am staring at a maze...I have no idea where to go. So I'm stopped, completely baffled at what is real, what is truth, what I can believe in. As far as other people go, anyways. I always know that my trust, my faith, my hope are in God. It's about the only thing I know at this point. And I'm frustrated and irritated and I have a million things still to do...

But I just needed to get that out...

I Have My Moments

Give me faith to trust what You say, that You’re good, and Your love is great…

I love this song, although I usually don’t have problems with faith. I would be lost without my greatest spiritual gift, and I watch others struggle with faith, and am grateful that it is one area where I do not. I have my own issues, however… As the song goes on, it says, I may be weak, but your Spirit’s strong in me…my flesh may fail, but my God You never will! It has always in the past reminded me of the times when I did in fact fail, because I am weak, but God turned my horrible mess into an amazing message.

Trials are exhausting, and I’m positive that someone is saying “Amen” right now!  There is a purpose for them, as we are reminded several times by Paul:

…we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance (Romans 5:3)…

I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be reveled in us (Romans 8:18)…No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be temped beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it (1 Corinthians 10:13)…And He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

James admonishes us to count it all joy when you fall into various trials…1:2. While there always comes a point where I am able to smile in the face of whatever adversity is at my door, I’ll be honest….there is about a 24 hour window of full-on pity party sulking. These are the 86,400 seconds that very few people see: lying in bed, listening to worship music, crying, praying, griping, reading His word, crying, staring blankly into space, holding my head in my hands, more crying, more praying, more worship music, lying in bed despondently (yeah), more griping, more Scripture…repeat as necessary.

It takes some time to wrap my brain around the fact that I’m absolutely gonna have to suck it up and let it go, and trust Him to handle whatever crazy, random, overwhelming, insane scenario has come my way. Then I begin to feel foolish, and start to remember that this will pass, that these trials and tribulations are about bringing me to a stronger place, that every good thing is from God, that He has everything handled, that our testimony matches our call, and that my name means resurrection. With a name like that, I’m just not gonna get off easy in this thing called life…I am, however, going to take all of these experiences in their moment to display faith that is much greater than a mustard seed, grace that covers all brokenness, joy that bursts forth in worship, and hope that is unending. <3

You're Gonna Have to Run

I had a dream Saturday night...a real scare-the-pants-off-me-spiritual-warfare-are-you-for-real-that-was-so-weird kind of dream.

Its the middle of the night, and I drive my car up to a cemetery...one of those century old types with chipped marble headstones and tall wrought iron fencing. I'm aware that inside the cemetery are men from my church: pastors, leaders, etc...strong spiritual men of God is the impression that I get, although I only recognize one. It's one of the associate pastors at my church, who happens to be very prophetic. As I approach this group, I have a sense that something darkly spiritual is going on, although I'm not particularly worried. The one that I recognize wraps his arms around my shoulders from behind and locks them, like a backwards hug. This is the part where I thought, "ok weird, but it's a dream, so maybe he's just being supportive." Then, he climbed on my back and said these words to me:

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO RUN...

Um...what?????

As I took off running with this grown man on my back, the fear started to overwhelm me. I'm running from something (maybe the devil), and I'm carrying all this weight (of someone who represents spiritual leadership), and all I can see is darkness.

It's at this point that I suddenly wake up, and without opening my eyes because I'm terrified there's going to be a demon in my room looming over my bed, the first word out of my mouth is Jesus, followed by a multitude of Scripture. The minute I say His name, half of my anxiety disappears, and as I continue to squeeze closed my eyes and pray, the rest subsides fairly quickly. I finally open my eyes, calm, and say, "Well that was weird," roll over and go back to sleep.

Although I'm ending rather abruptly, I'm still mulling over all of this. The next morning at church, I spoke with this pastor about my dream. Look for the continuation over the next few days.

Be blessed my friends!!!!!!

All My Single Ladies

This is personal...

If you don't desire to read my dirty laundry, then just stop now. Although it will be somewhat watered down because I don't care enough to vent vehemently, I've still just had enough at this point.

I'm on MAN-BBATICAL.

Officially! In July I blogged about how I wanted to stay single to serve God, then in October I went on and on about how ready I am to get married and start a family. Can I have it BOTH ways???? 

My "ex's" have started to get nicknames (that aren't so nice), which just goes to show how completely fed up I am with the caliber of men in my life over the past couple of years. In response to this, I am done dating for a good long while. We shall call it an undetermined amount of time. On one hand, I'm tempted to say August 2013 (which is when I graduate from seminary)...let's be honest, my schedule doesn't really leave time for a relationship. On the other...I get bored easily. *sigh* It's the truth. 

I am done being an option.

I am done trying when the other person doesn't.

I am done opening up my heart to men who don't protect it.

I am done texting, calling, playing house.

I am done pretending it's something it's not.

I am done being unequally yoked.

I am done pouring out my feelings to my once best friend about how hurt I am only to go unanswered.

I am simply done...

My limit for BS (yup, went there) has been getting shorter and shorter in this area as I've gotten older. I want something very specific. It is made up of all the trite little comments about the kind of man Godly women should want: a spiritual leader, chasing after God, running beside me, pursuing me in holiness, treating me like the daughter of THE King. 

Like I said, it's personal, but I know a lot of fantastic women who deal with the same thing, and beautiful sisters in Christ, let me just tell you something....

IT'S NOT WORTH IT!!!!!!!

We already have the perfect example of love, and He'll give you everything you need. He will woo you passionately, completely, for all you are, and for all you are not. He will not disrespect you, He will never ignore your calls or texts, He will never ask for your body without protecting your soul, He will never treat you as anything other than you are...

So! I am going on a man-cation until my birthday, officially (maybe longer)...if you want to join in on the "only God" experience, I'll be happy to be an accountability person in your life!!!!

Remember how great it is to not have to share your affection and love with anyone other than God???

Here I Sit...

At Panera, surrounded by commentary on Job, my Bible, scarfed down Mac 'n Cheese, Dr Pepper beside me, empty coffee cup waiting to be filled nearby. A mere two weeks ago I mentioned some things that were happening in my world. This is somewhat of a continuation of those thoughts, but perhaps more in depth. Before I continue, I'd like you to read some words, and listen to a song:

I will exalt You, Lord...I will exalt You, Lord....There is no one like You God!!!!!

Tattoos and weddings do something to me. I realize that seems rather random, but perhaps I should explain where my mind is right now...all over the place...I'll  come back to that thought in a minute.

In my last post I mentioned the disconnect I felt from God. I'm pretty sure I wrote that on Thursday before worship practice, and although I had seen the songs all week, I somehow sensed that the set list was a little message from God to me. I needed it. Within our songs for the week are two of my favorites: Our God by Chris Tomlin, and Give Me Faith by Elevation. The second just resonates within me with the words I may be weak, but Your Spirit's strong in me, My flesh may fail, but My God YOU NEVER WILL....what an awesome promise this is. The other song is so important to me because the first time I went to church after the accident, it was playing. I desperately needed the words And if our God is for us, then who can ever stop us, and if our God is with us, then what can stand against? It echoes Psalm 27:1...The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?

What a lovely segue to tattoos and weddings....I have been planning for some time now to get that tattooed on my foot, and Thursday night, I did:

Something in me needed to be reminded, and my mind has been much clearer since Thursday. Still a little stressed, but so much of the anxiety about all the things in my life has definitely quieted down. I am reminded that God brought me to this place, and He will not leave me here! He's blessed me, and as long as I continue to do what I'm supposed to do for Him, He won't let me down!!! 

Oh, and the comment on weddings, it seems that when the man in my life doesn't invite me, it changes my attitude and perspective on a lot of things....there is so much more to be said on this particular topic right now, but the reality is that I'm kinda over it...I promise I'll explain further, but for now, I have a very important date with a man named Job.

Love and blessings <3

Disconnect

It's been over a week since I've written anything, and the absence is most definitely a part of what is happening to me.

To me...

Interesting choice of words that I seldom use. For me, in me, around me...all are common statements that I make. Obviously I'm overwhelmingly busy. In the midst of the insanity in my life right now, however, is the most disturbing feeling of being unable to get to God.

Reading the Bible: only for school.
Prayer life: dismal.
Worship: going through the motions.
Joy: non-existent.
Attitude: negative.

His Presence is always this powerful thing in my world, and here lately, I can't really feel it. I absolutely KNOW that this has nothing to do with Him, because He is always the same, and that it's something within me. I'm also positive that this is some new and distracting form of spiritual warfare designed to deter me from God's awesome plan in my life.

But it sucks...really, really sucks.

So I'm at lamenting, begging, and trying to take from my school-oriented reading of Job something applicable to my situation. It's a good place to start.

Priorities

Oh it's that time again folks. Week 6, welcome to the insanity. This time around I have added busy-ness in my life to increase the stress level. I suppose I will just run down the list in a boring fashion with nuggets of thought interspersed.

Research papers - As usual, I have 2 research papers to write in the next 3 weeks, with other exams and essays and reading to do, of course. After finishing the paper on hell that has been plaguing me for the last week, I'm now turning my attention to the following topics: Job 38-42 and God's Response, and the Spiritual Gift of Tongues. It's time to buckle down and say goodbye to my social life.

Social life - Speaking of said social life, hmmm, yeah, something worth noting...I had a small disagreement with the person I've been sorta dating. Since that happened 4 days ago, he has been gone on a weekend trip, and I feel like I've been forgotten. In the process of these last couple of days, I've reintegrated myself into my normal single life, and had a realization that could be painfully misconstrued. I have come to realize that with this particular man, I would turn myself inside out. I am different around him, and not in a bad way, or in any way that is somehow less, just different. I have a friend that talks to me about splitting your heart between God and your husband once you're married, and I can see somewhat what she's talking about. For whatever reason, this man makes me want to do crazy, insane things...the concept of what I would sacrifice for him is exhausting. Which is terrifying for me, because I like my single life with God just fine thanks!!!!! So I'm sitting in this place right now where I'm torn....between wanting to just crawl into God and forget dating anyone, because I value this relationship too much, or giving myself over to the design He created.

New job - Overwhelming stress in this particular area. I mentioned a few days ago that I had been offered a new job, and that I had turned in my notice at my current job. What I didn't mention, are the anxieties plaguing me about this new chapter in my life. I currently work part time at a daycare in the afternoons, and I float around filling in wherever I am needed, and doing chores. I received an offer last week for a full time position (6:30-2:30) leading a 2 year old class at a Christian daycare. I am beyond ecstatic, and at the same time, completely freaking out. I'm not ready to be responsible for my own class, I've only been doing this for 3 months, and as an assistant! How am I supposed to integrate a full-time job into my already packed schedule? What in the world am I doing? I have no idea how to do this! These are my thoughts and fears on an hourly basis as I consider what is coming in 2 very short weeks. I have completely stepped out in faith on this, because I am painfully aware that I am not equipped for this. But I did not seek out this job, it came to me, and I trust God completely, even though I am scared out of my mind. SCARED...OUT...OF...MY...MIND.

Ministry - I participate in several different things that I consider to be personal ministry opportunities. I lead small groups, participate in prayer and other small groups, play on the worship team. These things are all great, but I'm starting to feel spread thin, and I'm getting the sense that it's time to focus and down-size. I stepped down from nursery a month ago, and while I miss the babies so much, I know that God is bringing me to a very specific place. He has called me to worship, and that is where my heart lies. On a really brilliant, awesome, positive note, I have begun singing also, and for the first time ever this weekend, I reached a place where the technicality of the music fled from my mind and it was all about that moment of loving God. It was stunning, and I'm hoping to get even more comfortable with that place as He continues to do this awesome work in me. This week is spectacular, because I have two more opportunities to participate in worship with events at church. I'm even leading a song tomorrow night, and while I'm nervous, I'm also excited to get out of the way and let God do His thing. With this, however, comes the reality that I am not superwoman, and that it's time to let go of some other things. I am saddened by this, but over the next several months, I feel that I need to transition out of leading in other areas and put my energy, time, and abilities into this role that God has prepared me to assume for my entire life. Seriously, more on that to come.

So this is today, and I'm sick and not in the best of moods,  but I'm just gonna pray and get on with the business of this amazing, beautiful, messy life that God has blessed me with!