The Death of a Life

Sometimes dying to self is really the death of a dream.

I've sat here for two months and complained, bemoaned, wondered at the perplexing place I have found myself. Saddened by having to walk away from the life I had in Florida, but resigned to obedience at God's leading me back to Texas. People have asked me so many times, "Are you happy to be back home?" I would just look at them strangely, wondering if I should express my disgust for pastures over oceans, parents over independence, and rest over busy-ness...then chastened by the fact that there are tremendous blessings, even in my lack of exuberance: I can always go home, I have a job I like, I am healthy again...The truthful answer brought on so much sadness at the life I left behind that I was usually left to murmur something about it being both good and bad, then some nonsense about missing the ocean. 

As one chapter of my life closes, the door swings vibrantly open into another. In the wisdom of looking backwards, I now see that new things could not happen until the old has passed on. 

...unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and DIES, it remains alone; but if it dies, it PRODUCES MUCH grain (John 12:24).

Last weekend, I went to Florida to retrieve the last of my possessions that were left in storage. To say that the trip did not go as expected would be an understatement of immeasurable proportions. However, as the dreams and plans and relationships I had in Florida went up in a cloud of tumultuous smoke, I found something infinitely sweeter in the chaos. 

I have wondered what purpose God has in bringing me to Texas, and over the course of humbled and convicted emails, the answer has begun to whisper through my heart. 

Yes, having a dream ripped to pieces and destroyed is painful, and I have several times reminded friends in this very situation to take heart, for God obviously has something far more amazing ahead. In these moments of devastation, however, these promises can seem small while we mourn. 

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted (Matthew 5:4). 

I have stood in the pews at church during worship and sobbed over my situation. I have felt guilty in those moments for feeling so incredibly sad when I am so richly blessed. But that was my LIFE. I still feel overwhelmed when I think of what was. I have needed to grieve this loss. But as I cleaned out the last pieces of my dream in Florida, I laid it to rest. In eulogizing the great life it was, the following are some thoughts, perhaps not goodbyes, but farewells:

• I have been immeasurably blessed by the amazing leadership that I found myself submitted to in the Church while living in Florida. You have enriched my walk with Christ, and taught me valuable skills that I will carry forward into my own ministry. Thank you for being examples of integrity.
• To all the women that I prayed with at one point or another, you are beautiful. Shining examples of what it means to truly be a daughter of the King. I am humbled by your stories, encouraged by your faith and obedience, and inspired by your words in every season. Shine on, women of God!
• For the ones that broke my heart, thank you for showing me how to lean even further on Him. I came to Florida broken, and left healed, in spite of numerous attempts to further break me. I am sorry for my hurtful actions, and I pray that God uses those same experiences in your own life to enrich your testimony and faith.
• For the very small list of treasured friends, I love you deeply, and I hope that the friendship that solidified itself as I said goodbye last weekend will only continue to grow in the coming years. Thank you for holding me up as I cried in my anguish. 
• Oh amazing overwhelmingly beautiful coastal creation of God....farewell my love. We shall meet again, hopefully on this side of heaven, but assuredly on the other. You soothe my soul, and perhaps I miss you the most, but your glory is vivid in my mind like a picture frozen in time.

The new chapter of God's work in my life is only just starting to be written, and without being too cryptic, it is positively brilliant!!!! In these seasons of mourning a dream, remember that He is gracious and loving and knows that we need this time to let go....that death is a grieving process, but one that gives life in the kingdom of God. So let it die, cry from bottom of your soul, and smile brightly because your future is really, really stupendous!