Sunshine and Roses?

I've been silent for what feels like far too long. Perhaps my arrogance leads me to believe that anyone cares or misses me. I was once charged with writing this selfishly for my own benefit, but in the back of my mind, I can't help but think that no one has ever experienced anything new, common to man (1 Corinthians 10:13). Nothing I go through is unique to me or my situation, and sometimes I hope that something I say will make a difference to someone else.

Newlywed bliss is not exactly bliss. There, I said it, and before someone thinks that I'm miserable, please let me explain. I love my husband; he's a wonderful, incredible, Christ-chasing man that challenges me, encourages me, and loves me when I am very unlovable. The problem is ME!!!! The problem is learning to move from full-time student/part-time employee/worship-centered daughter of the King, to student/housekeeper/sex goddess/ prayer warrior/chef/wife/writer/lover/pursuer of Christ/reader/learner/listener/teacher/ communication genius/musician/roommate/laundromat/humble selfless woman. And I know that for many women, there's the added role of mom, but that's not me...yet. 

But this is HARD. I've been in the habit for a very long time of avoiding things in life that I wasn't great at from the beginning. I am so...not...good...at this. I know that God always calls us beyond ourselves to test our faith and reliance on Him alone, and I'm so desperate everyday for the energy, courage, perseverance, and patience to let Him mold me into a great wife. I have tried to avoid Proverbs 31 because I'm pretty sure  it's laughable at this point. And I know I'm a newlywed and that everything takes time. But I have just felt like everyone pretends that its an easy transition, and to be honest, it's just not. There are moments and days where being married is the greatest thing...and then there are moments in my prayer closet where I wring my hands and wonder why I am not better at being a wife. 

As I read blogs about housekeeping, and pray incessantly for heavenly help, I wonder how many other new wives feel the overwhelming pressure to be perfect? I laid in bed last night trying to sleep, worrying about my failures, and suddenly it hit me that I don't even know who I am right now! My personality has changed some, and I feel lost in all my new roles and how I should act. At the core of it all, is the sense that God is breaking me down again, to show me how to be unselfish, to show me how to love when it's hard, to stick when I want to run and hide, and that when everything else falls away, I'm still just His beloved daughter. No other titles, roles, or jobs supersede that simple fact. 

My great friend pointed me towards an amazing worship album a few months ago by IHOPKC and there are a few words that keep reverberating in my ears:

When it's all been said, when it's all been done, when the race is run, well it all comes down to love.....did you learn to love, is what He will ask of me (Measure of  a Man). Oh...yeah...the first and second greatest commands involve love (Matthew 22:37-40). We are nothing without it, no matter what else we accomplish (1 Corinthians 13). Real love dies to self for the benefit of another (John 15:13). My greatest lesson in kingdom living will come from my marriage.

All is for Your glory, that in all things You will have the first place, that in all things You will have preeminence...so put me anywhere, just put Your glory in me, and I'll serve anywhere, just let me see Your beauty (All is For Your Glory). The purpose of marriage isn't for my happiness or benefit, anymore than my education, musical talent, or writing ability. Everything I've been given is for the sole purpose of making so much of God. How small and petty for me to forget that I am not the center of this plan. I don't know the full purpose of what our marriage will do. Nor do I see the glory in barely surviving as a new wife. I do trust, however, that there is something brewing in God's redemptive plan that makes it worthy of bringing glory to Him, and that's enough for me.

So thanks for letting me ramble and rant, and I would love to hear about your experiences as a new bride!

Remember

Pardon me, I'm in a mood, and not sure what it is...forgive the stream of consciousness as it just flows. Life is amazing and awesome, but as I attended a Bible study last night for the first time in what seems like forever (8 months to be exact), I suddenly looked around and remembered...

FREEDOM

I've been living in a vacuum for a very long time....maybe it was the crazy dream in March, the barren wasteland of my heart in April, moving to Texas in May, the depression and mourning and silence and alone-ness of June and July, the quiet acceptance in August...and as I started to breathe again, to live again, to exist outside of just being this floating survivor of some awful shipwreck in the middle of my life....hanging on desperately to any little thing, uprooted from the life I loved, cast into this place where nothing was stable, and the only reality was a lifetime of disappointments and dysfunction staring me directly in the face...it was all I could do, most days, to just stand firm and be faithful and obedient....to be healthy and whole in the deafening silence of asking, and seeking, and knocking....as God has breathed a whole new unexpected and brilliant life into me over the last couple of months, the rough season of 2012 has made sense. And although I've started to come out of the wilderness, it's been cautiously and quietly.

But last night....for the first time in such a long time, my heart began to stir to do ministry. As I listened to some heartbreaking assumptions and opinions on marriage, and heard the bitterness in the voices of women, and the underlying prisons of their entrapment, the word that kept reverberating in my heart was...

FREEDOM

The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captive and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed (Luke 4:18).

I forgot...that freedom is the ultimate reward of life lived in Christ...that an unbelievable amount of Christians are still enslaved to those bonds....that freedom is only as good as we choose to make it, as we choose to keep it...that it's one of my fundamental messages of resurrection to others...that my life is full of freedom and redemption...that I long to share it...that I long to be what Jesus was in that verse....to be the catalyst that points to HIM to heal and set free....

I've sat here and wondered what had happened to my passion for ministry....and it hasn't been lost, only put back so that God could do some work in me, so that He could bring me to a new mountaintop experience, and teach me new things, and draw me closer, and give me a blessing greater than I imagined to take me into the next place...

And yeah, admittedly, I'm still pretty inwardly focused, because there are big changes going on, and new things coming that demand my full attention and commitment right now....but a new heart for ministry is also being birthed in me during this process, and it comes around full circle and goes right back to the core of what I believe encompasses full joy in Christ, and that is...

FREEDOM

When the Phone Rings

O my Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will (Matthew 26:39).

I never really thought I would feel this way about my own calling.

Word this morning: "I have to know that you will choose me over what you want in that fleeting moment. You are not alone because I am always here. I have something different for you, and being different is not easy. I'm asking you to trust ME. I won't let you down."

In the face of the difficult, I find myself longing for the easy. My definition of "easy" is probably not really easy at all, but it appears that way when measured against the alternative. If it appears that I'm being strangely obtuse, I apologize. I'm just caught up in the personal right now. I used to think that my calling was gloriously awesome....now I just feel like it's way too much trouble. In that whiny, petulant voice, the glamour of being different fades away into a pouty "WHY??" Then I recall the words that I have whispered over and over...use me....and I am slammed with the realization that just last night I scribbled furiously in my personal journal:

I'LL GO
SEND ME
USE ME
I'LL DO IT

Those words do not leave me with the option to send God to voice mail...

Forgiveness

This topic is just on my mind right now. Perhaps because it's something going on simultaneously with several people in my life. I find myself on both sides of the issue, both receiving and extending forgiveness. We all wrestle with this one.

On receiving forgiveness: We feel frustration when people do not forgive us. If we have to forgive others, then this person has to forgive us! Wrong....they are commanded by God to forgive us, but the choice not to is beyond our control. Our requirement here is to express contrition, be honest and open in our apology, and pray for a restored relationship. As much as it hurts to know that someone is continuing to hold on to anger/resentment/hatred/distrust towards us, we have to be willing to let it go and trust that only God can do the hard stuff.

On extending forgiveness: I know what you're thinking right now....But you don't know what this person did to me...You're right, I don't, but I've had it all done to me at one point or another, so I can guess. We are so arrogant here. We feel so wronged and hurt, and that person doesn't deserve our forgiveness. NO, they don't, but neither did you. I definitely DO NOT  deserve to be forgiven for the million horrible things I've done, but I am. If our goal is to be like Christ, then we absolutely have to get over our own misplaced pride - the same misplaced pride that will destroy your relationships - and graciously forgive others.

Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little (Luke 7:47) - This woman was a prostitute, immoral and unclean in all of Israel, and at Jesus' feet, she poured out her value (perfume) and her heart (tears). She GAVE of herself in requesting absolution, and forGIVEness was granted.

And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses (Matthew 18:34-35) - This follows the famous "7x70" command, and the story revolves around a man who has been forgiven his debts, and yet refuses to forgive others theirs. We are all forgiven for debts too numerous and horrible to recount, but Christ GAVE it to us. We cannot afford to be stingy to GIVE the same gift to others.

In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace (Ephesians 1:7) - I have said it already, but it bears repeating. We did nothing to deserve the free gift of eternal forgiveness. In spite of our failures as humans since the beginning of time, in spite of a history of not being sorry for any of it, in spite of not deserving it, forgiveness was granted. He GAVE love, so that we could GIVE the same love to others.

It cost God EVERYTHING to forgive us....why should forgiving others not cost us something as well?

Maybe it's pride, or anger, or simply stubbornness. Maybe it's that aching hurt that we just don't want to let go. Maybe it's that resentment that's been keeping us company at night for years. The question I have is this: Why are we holding on to something that is only hurting us? There is FREEDOM in forgiveness. Jesus came and gave His own life so that we could live in that freedom, to not be bound by the disappointments, and hurts, and let-downs we experience.

He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins (1 John 1:9)....Let's BE like Christ, BE what He intended for us, BE the light, BE the love that gives freely...

The Death of a Life

Sometimes dying to self is really the death of a dream.

I've sat here for two months and complained, bemoaned, wondered at the perplexing place I have found myself. Saddened by having to walk away from the life I had in Florida, but resigned to obedience at God's leading me back to Texas. People have asked me so many times, "Are you happy to be back home?" I would just look at them strangely, wondering if I should express my disgust for pastures over oceans, parents over independence, and rest over busy-ness...then chastened by the fact that there are tremendous blessings, even in my lack of exuberance: I can always go home, I have a job I like, I am healthy again...The truthful answer brought on so much sadness at the life I left behind that I was usually left to murmur something about it being both good and bad, then some nonsense about missing the ocean. 

As one chapter of my life closes, the door swings vibrantly open into another. In the wisdom of looking backwards, I now see that new things could not happen until the old has passed on. 

...unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and DIES, it remains alone; but if it dies, it PRODUCES MUCH grain (John 12:24).

Last weekend, I went to Florida to retrieve the last of my possessions that were left in storage. To say that the trip did not go as expected would be an understatement of immeasurable proportions. However, as the dreams and plans and relationships I had in Florida went up in a cloud of tumultuous smoke, I found something infinitely sweeter in the chaos. 

I have wondered what purpose God has in bringing me to Texas, and over the course of humbled and convicted emails, the answer has begun to whisper through my heart. 

Yes, having a dream ripped to pieces and destroyed is painful, and I have several times reminded friends in this very situation to take heart, for God obviously has something far more amazing ahead. In these moments of devastation, however, these promises can seem small while we mourn. 

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted (Matthew 5:4). 

I have stood in the pews at church during worship and sobbed over my situation. I have felt guilty in those moments for feeling so incredibly sad when I am so richly blessed. But that was my LIFE. I still feel overwhelmed when I think of what was. I have needed to grieve this loss. But as I cleaned out the last pieces of my dream in Florida, I laid it to rest. In eulogizing the great life it was, the following are some thoughts, perhaps not goodbyes, but farewells:

• I have been immeasurably blessed by the amazing leadership that I found myself submitted to in the Church while living in Florida. You have enriched my walk with Christ, and taught me valuable skills that I will carry forward into my own ministry. Thank you for being examples of integrity.
• To all the women that I prayed with at one point or another, you are beautiful. Shining examples of what it means to truly be a daughter of the King. I am humbled by your stories, encouraged by your faith and obedience, and inspired by your words in every season. Shine on, women of God!
• For the ones that broke my heart, thank you for showing me how to lean even further on Him. I came to Florida broken, and left healed, in spite of numerous attempts to further break me. I am sorry for my hurtful actions, and I pray that God uses those same experiences in your own life to enrich your testimony and faith.
• For the very small list of treasured friends, I love you deeply, and I hope that the friendship that solidified itself as I said goodbye last weekend will only continue to grow in the coming years. Thank you for holding me up as I cried in my anguish. 
• Oh amazing overwhelmingly beautiful coastal creation of God....farewell my love. We shall meet again, hopefully on this side of heaven, but assuredly on the other. You soothe my soul, and perhaps I miss you the most, but your glory is vivid in my mind like a picture frozen in time.

The new chapter of God's work in my life is only just starting to be written, and without being too cryptic, it is positively brilliant!!!! In these seasons of mourning a dream, remember that He is gracious and loving and knows that we need this time to let go....that death is a grieving process, but one that gives life in the kingdom of God. So let it die, cry from bottom of your soul, and smile brightly because your future is really, really stupendous!

I Can't Commit

I have commitment issues in a lot of areas, but today, I'm concerned about one particular area: finding a church home.

Why is this so hard????

It's like a wheel of fortune of church attendance. Every week I think I've found it, then as Sunday gives way to Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, I start to feel a discontent. I don't even know what I'm looking for. Maybe just "that" feeling that I'm in the right place..which I have had slivers of.

Maybe I'm waiting for that feeling I had the first time I attended Liberty....which is preposterous, because I was in a different place.

I want the music to be just right, the preaching to be deep and inspiring, the people to be like me....

Am I shopping for shoes or a church?????

A couple painful truths:

• I enjoy flitting around the periphery because I have zero intention of staying in East Texas.
• I'm not sure I want to be part of a worship team because I'm writing songs and would rather put together a band to jam with privately.
• I'm avoiding the church I really liked because I don't want to get stuck there.

I have done some article reading about this process, and have read that some people have done this for over a year...over a year?!?!?!? 

I keep asking God what I should do....silence...

It's Sunday, so here I go again, a new church, new music, new teaching, new experience....

Answers: Part Three

Though you feel I'm far away, I am closer than your breath. I am with you...more than you know...

Click the play button:

I've probably posted this before, but perhaps I needed a reminder. Strange thing...apparently venturing out of my house for extended period of time produces incredible revelations of God. I'm going to make this quick, because I'm still running it all around, and not really on the ball...but I need to say that I'm off.

I have a pride issue...and a self-control issue...and a trust issue.

And I'm exhausted and probably not thinking very clearly.

Had a wonderful weekend with some amazing people though...and that is what makes life great. So apparently I can keep going...whew, thanks God! I put this in the answers category like a few recent posts, and I'm not even sure what the answers are, but I'm sure that they're there. Just waiting to be unleashed, and I'm ok with that, and as much as I love knowing exactly what's going on, I have learned that just letting go, and letting God do what works, is the ONLY course of action. I'm a terrible driver AND navigator...and I've definitely tried to do both.

ME: Oh yeah, why don't we take this road right here, it looks kinda interesting.
HIM: No, not a good idea.
ME: But please, it looks so fun and intriguing.
HIM: I wouldn't.
ME: *turning the wheel*
HIM: *shakes head*

What is wrong with me? How stupid can I possibly be? I know things work best HIS way...I have no clue what I'm doing, but just trying to follow Him in any way I can. So I'm going to close my eyes, and enjoy the ride

A Reason for it All

I work at a daycare.

Seriously, my job is a gift from God. Last summer, I had to quit my pharmacy job (click here for details). It paid well, I had benefits, and they worked with my schedule for school. Unfortunately, they gave me an ultimatum that I didn't like. So I quit on faith, and spent 4 months unemployed, relying on God's provision. It was tough, and when the time came to find a new source of income, I knew that part-time was the way to go, and didn't feel that pharmacy was the right path (even though it's been my field since I was 18).

On a Friday afternoon, I dropped off my resume at my current job, just on a whim. Monday morning at 7am, the owner called me, said she had an immediate opening, and wanted me to come in that morning for an interview. She told me that if they liked me, I would start that day. I went in at 9am, and 5 minutes later, she hired me on the spot. She sent me to do paperwork with the staffing agency, and asked me to come back at 1pm to start. God literally dropped my job in my lap, and knowing that, I understand that He is using this to transform and teach me something new.

The possibilities are varied:

• To prepare me to teach.
• To make me a better "traditional" female.
• To get me ready to be a mommy (I love this possibility!).
• To amplify the teachings on humility that have been occurring for the last 6 months.

The reality is that I have no clue of the purpose of this job. I was told when I was hired that I would be working with the 3 year olds, but after two weeks, they moved me to the afterschool (K-5th grade) group. Over the holidays, I sat with the infants and toddlers, and the new year has me floating between infants, afterschoolers, and the cleaning lady. The last one did not make me happy. When I saw the arrangements for the new year, I was irritated. When I woke up Monday, I was not looking forward to going to work. I didn't want to spend part of my day doing laundry and dishes...I wanted to be with the kiddos. And as bad as my attitude was the entire morning, I resolved to hide my dissatisfaction at work, and to accept my responsibilities as God's plan. 

We had an opening in the baby room (which is my favorite) right before the holidays, and I prayed about it. I shared with God that He knew my passion and heart for babies, and that if it was His will, that I be given that opening. Instead, He placed me in housekeeping. As I was exchanging laundry and washing dishes Monday, faking joy and acceptance and gratitude, I realized that I have no right to question God's plan. 

I HATE laundry and dishes...they are my two least favorite chores out of all of them. Indeed, right now, there is laundry in my dryer that needs to be put away, and dishes in the sink that need to be washed. I do not want to do either. God definitely has a sense of humor, putting me a position to do the exact things I hate on a daily, repetitive basis. But I want to be a traditional wife, and I want to have kids...these are things that I need to learn to embrace and enjoy doing, so that I can fulfill the desires that God has placed in my heart. 

She works with her hands in delight...She senses that her gain is good...She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.--Proverbs 31

He has much to teach me, and I am grateful for His love and kindness and faithfulness to make me closer daily to the Godly woman He intends me to be. 

A Little Tease of What's Coming...

I have a million things to say...well, at least a hundred. My mind is all a jumble at this point, though, and I've still got two days of school to get through. For a bit of good news, though, it's looking like 2 A's and 1 B....considering that the past couple semesters have been rather sad in comparison, I'm pretty excited. But I'm not finished yet, and those projections are based on finishing two more exams and one more research paper.

Then, maybe, I'll be able to spill out everything that's going on right now. Here are a few hints, for myself to remember as much as for you to expect!

• Freedom (which I mentioned about a week ago)
• Moving and my new roommate
• Scuba diving small group (oh yeah, it's back!)
• Crafting: painting and some reupholstering projects
• Royalty...I'm super excited about this. It's based on a book by Kris Vallotton from Bethel, and he's sending me the book and the workbook to preview. I think this is going to be a mind-blowing, life changing small group.
• What my job means for my future
• New friendships

In the meantime, I re-posted something from August. It's hidden in the files, but you're more than welcome to help yourself to a little bit more of the past, in my current absence. This place keeps getting more personal, but I'm just hoping that maybe someone will read something that I've had to struggle through, and find some sort of help. The reason for our trials, after all, is to show God's magnificent glory in overcoming life's heartaches.

I hope everyone is staying excited and strong this holiday  season. Remembering the real reason for celebration, whose birthday it TRULY is, and not to let the concept of Jesus ruin who He really is. In the spirit of it being almost Christmas, I'll post one of my newly found favorite songs to celebrate His birth.

Blessings

I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.-Philippians 4:12

I think the word "season" is overused in Christian circles, but since the wise king Solomon used it, I shall do the same. It has been a hard season. I'll say it again, a hard season. Although I never wondered how it would turn out, because I knew that God had His hand on me the whole time, I often wondered when it would end. When you spend four months stumbling through a fiery trial, it's easy to believe that it will go on forever. I can attest to the fact that even four months can feel like eternity.

I realize that comparatively speaking, it wasn't really THAT bad. Some of it I perpetuated out of my own stubbornness. Some of it was the culmination of things already set in motion. The hardest part, however, was the feeling that no matter how hard I tried to do the right thing, I encountered opposition at every turn. The past is done, however, and I am starting to truly feel like I've turned the page on this wretched experience. It was a pruning, and it hurt.

I can finally breathe, though! Things are not as complicated or as difficult or as confusing as they have been. God is dropping amazing presents into my lap, and I feel the joy of the moment, instead of wondering when the bottom will fall out. I'm still getting hit with the predictable school-related spiritual warfare, but I'm so irritated with the enemy's tactics at this point that laughter comes more naturally in his face.

I have a better understanding of who I am, what I'm worth, and what I'm not. God has liberated me from some old chains.

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A tie to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war, and a time of peace.
--Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

The last four months have been a season of dying, killing, breaking down, weeping, losing, throwing away, tearing, hating, and war. These days, and I say this with some caution, are for laughter, dancing, embracing, gaining, speaking, love, and peace.

My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.--James 1:2

My joy was almost constant, even when it appeared that I was breaking. My endgame was always the same eternity with the King. It's just nice to be able to smile more often!

As a final note, thank you to those who stood beside me, never letting me fall too far. You know who you are.

If You Ask Me I'm Ready

I've been staring at this blank screen for almost 24 hours, knowing that I've got something to say, but honestly unsure about how to begin. I know once the words start flowing that it will all come out the way it's supposed to. For the moment, picture an old black and white photo of an individual, staring pensively into space, smoke billowing into the room, just looking for those words.

I am SO NOT perfect.

But in the spirit of the fourth beatitude, I long for holiness. It started out as what God can do for me, and stayed that way for 30 years. Then it became what I could do for God. It's no longer about doing or becoming, but about resting in what has already transpired. I doubt this is making much sense.

I've been married twice. And I've been divorced twice. The past...is the past. And for so many reasons, I adopted this "never again" standpoint. I'm not good at being married, I can't have kids, monogamy isn't natural (yes, I said that), Mathew 19 is so harsh on divorce and I've already screwed up, Jesus and Paul promoted celibacy...etc. But God created things to be a certain ideal way, and the person I am constantly becoming gets closer and closer to His plan.

His grace is sufficient for ME.

I believe in a God that redeems. Every single sin. This isn't to blindly say that grace is free, on the contrary, it's going to cost you everything. It's going to cost you your life, because the only way to transparently and honestly enjoy grace, is to recognize that you must hand over all of you to God. All of your dreams, all of your wants, all of your hopes, all of your failures, and everything that selfishly demands control. I get a really good laugh out of the fact that when I realized God's plan for my life, I thought I had it figured out. I was wrong, as usual. To be honest, I get pieces of the puzzle of what God is doing in me. So I don't know what He wants...but I know what He says.


Then the Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him." -- Genesis 3:18

From the very beginning, God realized that we, as humans, need companionship. But it's not even that simple, because being alone is not the same thing as being lonely. We must find fulfillment in our relationship with God, and learn what love really is, before we can begin to love others. Yes, I'm talking about marriage. Whew, that was a little scary, just putting it out there on the page. I would be insane not to be a little afraid of the concept, after all, it's not exactly my forte. Only God can heal what is broken. I thought that I deserved to be alone because I had already ruined the sacrament. But God doesn't punish...He redeems.

I want...

Perhaps my biological clock is running away with my mind. Or perhaps I just get it for the first time ever. I'm not lonely, for I have learned to find the utmost joy in solitude. I don't feel like something is missing, but I want to go deeper. I see this amazing and beautiful spiritual union that God has designed for two people, and I yearn to have that with someone in this life. Someone to completely share my crazy love for God. A man that does his part as a man of integrity, thereby allowing me to be the helper, to be the bones and flesh of him, strength and weakness in complement to another, to share that naked vulnerability that comes in relationship to God. Someone that will say, "I've put God above all others, and so have you, so let's do this together." A Godly life is a marathon, and I want a permanent running partner.

Perhaps I sound coy, but I'm not trying to be. This is really difficult, and goes so deep, that the words are lost inside my psyche. I thought that this wasn't for me, but I've come to the realization that God puts these desires inside our heart for a reason. I can't worship God 24/7 in this life, because this world is broken. And I wait (somewhat impatiently) for the day that I can sit at His feet and overflow with praise and adoration. Whether in heaven or the kingdom to come, I will have that opportunity. To worship God forever in complete abandon. The fact remains that I probably have about another 50 or so years here in this body, and I want to spend them with a man that longs for the same thing. I want to share this life experience of being enamored of God with someone who knows my secrets, and would give anything for me, as I selflessly and unconditionally love them for all their flaws and perfections. I want to intimately share with another person what I share with God. And there's more...

Be fruitful and multiply.--Genesis 9:7

What?!? Yeah, me too. It isn't that I don't think children are amazing, on the contrary, I think they're completely awesome. Nothing makes me more happy than holding a baby, or cuddling with my nephew, or watching an animated movie with him. They're like these precious little bundles of perfect joy. Everything about children is a complete miracle. Which is where my hesitation arises.

Some of you know what it is to hear a doctor tell you that what is supposed to work effortlessly is broken. To stare at an ultrasound screen and see that the medication failed. To hold your breath after 28 days only to be crushed when mother nature reminds you again that the most basic of biological functions is a foreign concept. To undergo tests and procedures, only to be told that everything is fine structurally. To try, and try, and just be SAD because maybe you'll never know what it is to conceive a child, and feel it growing, and to see the blessing of a miracle when you look at that child's face.

So I did what I do best, and I just bounced off the pavement. I went on the offensive and decided that I was not going to play the fertility game ever again. That I was going to choose not to ever have kids, because then I was in control of the situation. To never get married because I didn't want to burden someone else with my own loss.

With my own failure.

Millions of people battle infertility, and I realize that I am in no way special or unique. But I know that my God is mighty in all His glory, and that Jesus has paid the steep price of sin and death and destruction, even that within our own bodies. I could stride into this world bold and alone, and set it on fire. It just doesn't feel right. I was made for this, women were made for this. We were designed as a help, a companion, an equal, a creator within God's own creation. I keep finding myself back at Proverbs 31...she is a wife, a mother, a businesswoman, a homemaker...and she loves the Lord with all her heart. She is all things, as she was made to be.

It's not like I have any prospects for even a date, let alone marriage and family. But as I strive to become more holy, more righteous, I seem to embrace the life God promised us. God redeems women in our salvation history, He rewards the faithful, and His every purpose is to bring glory to His name. I truly have no idea what He's going to do with me, but I am confident and assured in the fact that His perfect will be done, that He will take these things inside my own heart, things He put there, and turn them into something that is good and holy.

The Power of Prayer

I sat down today with my friends Eric and Christine Ruby and had a healing prayer session. Notice how I'm diving right into the good stuff today? It was so powerfully amazing! If you're never been through an intense prayer session, this may seem a little out there, but just stay with me. It begins by getting face to face in your relationship with our triune God, and for today's prayer, I was hanging out with Jesus. That sounds cool...I was hanging out with Jesus.

So, it's led by a series of questions that you ask of God/Jesus/Holy Spirit. Today began with establishing the solid relationship mentally, and then letting Jesus set the scene. Initially, I asked Him if there was anything He wanted to show me. Which resulted in overlooking a city, in which a building stood out. It took some time, but I finally came to realize that the building represented me as a person, and it was a tall building, with lots of levels. We began near the top, which is what He wanted to show me first. It was a room that represented HOPE, my current prayer life, relationship with God, and where I am now.

When I asked Him to show me what was next, He took me to level 5, which ended up being some anger that needed to be addressed. It wasn't my anger, it was someone else's towards me, but we managed to find a way to resolve it, that absolved me of the responsibility for that person's emotions. After we eradicated the negativity on that level, Jesus took me to level 2, which is what I really want to talk about. I knew before entering the door that something really bad was lurking there. I had to ask Jesus if I was safe, and how I should proceed. Before entering, I took His hand, to be with me.

As soon as I opened the door, it was just darkness. The kind which no light penetrates, like a forest at night, sinister, and filled with shadowy creatures in the corner of the room. It was the blackness of my depression. Through a series of questions, we identified a particular stronghold in the corner of the room. When I asked Him what it was, He told me it was DEATH. I had to look that power, the thoughts of suicide and destruction, in the face. I eventually walked up to it, and ordered it to leave, drawing upon the power of Jesus' name. Satan kept tugging at my mind, however, and I was unable to prevail. It was when Jesus walked over, and ordered it to go, that it immediately disappeared.

There were still more shadows in this room to battle. I addressed SHAME, and shone the light of truth on it to disable its power in my life. The final shadow was LIES, which I had bought into, leading to shame. This menace, we boxed up, and Jesus led me to the basement, where we tossed it into the incinerator. It was incredibly powerful, to feel the negative things that I have experienced lately leaving my life. To feel the complete healing power of God, through Jesus, in eradicating these powerful holds the devil had placed upon me.

I realize this may sound very odd to most people, but prayer can do so many things! It's power is undeniable. Prayer can create miracles, it can heal, it can meet our basic needs. Today's prayer was a very visual experience with God, in the form of Jesus, who stood by my side, held me when I was afraid, and battled the demons when I couldn't. It reminds me of the overwhelming power of our God.

The most surprising aspect, however, came on the way home from their house. Christine asked me to pray for her, to lay hands on her and pray about the pain in her mouth. I was skeptical, to be honest, but I did as she asked. I prayed, illustrating that pain and death only exist because of satan, that God's creation was perfect, and asked Him to take away the pain. She said her face got warm and the throbbing pain went away! The power of our God transcends even our skepticism sometimes!

Today was a GREAT day. Today was a day that is a testament and tribute to our wonderful Father, amazing Savior, and powerful Spirit of God.

Joy in Serving

It's funny, and completely awesome, how a relentless pursuit of God changes EVERYTHING! It's not surprising, however, that trusting in God when He asks you to jump off the cliff, actually works. 

My son, God will provide for Himself the lamb for a burnt offering. (Genesis 22:8). The story this verse is woven into is a powerful testament to faith, sacrifice, and loyalty. After God makes His covenant with Abraham, and gives him a son, he asks him to sacrifice that son. Abraham obeys God, to the point of raising his knife to kill Isaac, but God stops his hand, and provides a substitute sacrifice. From this story, we get the name Yahweh Yi'reh which translates from Hebrew to mean "God will provide." So here we have this precedent, from the very beginning of the Bible, of reciprocal faithfulness. 

I use this in the context of my own life here lately. I got lost my first semester of school, overwhelmed by full-time class, full-time job, and trying to serve. I prayed hard for God to make more time for our relationship, and He got rid of the job. I'm not going to lie and say that there aren't moments throughout the day where I have that "Oh crap" feeling about where basic necessities like electricity and water and groceries will come from, but I just keep pushing forward. I know it will be ok, even if I don't know how. If I can just make it to September 8...I started this post because I was sitting here thinking about how lucky I am to have this time to be able to serve in different ministries, and to really dig in to what God is asking of me. I'm trying to build a schedule that consists of school, ministry, and spiritual growth. And I'm completely stoked about giving my time to, and for, God...
    

• I'm loaded up for 15 hours next semester (part of which is my own fault), so school is definitely ON beginning August 22. My books have already arrived and are taking up a HUGE portion of my bookcase, haha. I could build muscle just picking up my theology textbooks. Church History I & II, New Testament II, Old Testament I, and Systematic Theology I. And this semester, I'm gonna do better. No more F's!
• Next Monday, August 1, I begin my Teen Challenge class. I'm so excited to work with these women. I've been thinking about making lesson outlines, etc. I think the first segment off teaching is going to be on how to pray. Prayer is so powerful, and quite misunderstood. I said I was going to make disciples out of them, and you've got to have the basics, like prayer! So I'm going to teach them about prayer, and everything the Bible says about how to pray. We're going to spend some time learning from Matthew 6, and I'm going to show them how to read prayerfully, about the different kinds of prayer...basically just anything and everything about prayer is happening. I prob DO need to formulate some plans, so I can outline each segment of teaching at the outset. I can honestly tell you that the excitement I feel for this particular ministry is definitely at the top of my list right now.
• I volunteered to serve in the nursery at church, starting in August, and I'm just waiting on the schedule. I love babies, especially those that belong to other people! It's an opportunity to give my time that really requires no teaching or leading, but it's an important aspect of belonging to the body of Christ, because it allows others to have uninterrupted time in their spiritual growth. And I get my baby fix, lol.
• I auditioned for the worship team at church, just last night. Notice how I underlined the term audition? It's because I don't know if it went very well. Sheet music went flying when I was trying to play the keyboard, after only an hour of practice after not playing in 7 years or so (prob more). I sang, but a couple of notes were off key. So, we shall see. God has been whispering in my ear about putting my musical ability to use. I'll be honest, hopefully still humble, and say that I'm pretty sure that I didn't spend half my life learning to play the piano for NO reason. I offered to teach someone yesterday, so maybe He's trying to open up a pathway to a source of income. Music is really powerful, so I hope that it's something I get to integrate into my ministry walk.
• The next question...do I really want to lead a small group, or am I pushing the point of overextending myself? We shall see, as tonight is women's ministry meeting, and again, I'm feeling that compelling push from God to take another step. I feel like He's saying "book study". I have 23 books in my cart at Amazon....seriously? Pick one? This is another "we shall see" area.   

I used to be consumed with ME, with money, with things....it's so lovely to be consumed with God. I'll end with a GREAT song! 

Getting Radical

So this book is AMAZING! Seriously. Some friends and I bought it in audio format for a friend as a going away present a few months ago, about the same time I started reading it, and upon finishing it, my friend said he wanted to go be a missionary. I kinda feel the same way, but it's definitely going to be something new for me. At the end of the book, Platt proposes a one year experiment called the Radical Experiment. It's a five part process that he asks you to commit to for only a year. 

1) Pray for the entire world.
2) Read through the entire Word.
3) Sacrifice your money for a specific purpose.
4) Spend your time in another context.
5) Commit your life to a multiplying community.

So, I'm gonna do it!!!!! In the following ways:

When Jesus was surrounded by those in need in Matthew 9, he tells his disciples to pray to send someone to the needy. Intercession is a type of prayer in which you pray for the Holy Spirit to move in the lives of others. It's a part of a worship service I attend when I have the chance. But, for the next year, I'm going to regularly pray for God to send servants with His Word to the 4.5 billion people that don't know Jesus. And I bought a little book that I'm going to write down who else I'm supposed to be praying for, because it keeps getting larger and larger, and I'm starting to lose track. So, I have a prayer request book now!

The second part is actually integrated into my seminary studies, because over the next year I'm reading through the Bible in the way that my teachers request, I'm almost halfway through the New Testament, and will finish it, and begin the Old Testament in late fall. I read Ephesians today, and it's just so beautiful. God is so good!

The third part is a little trickier, because I don't have a lot of money, and I'm about to have even less without a job. And this is where I've decided to get REALLY radical. I'm going to get rid of my car, and the insurance, and the gas, and for one year, I'm going to rely on public transportation. Crazy, I know, but we have a pretty good system here, and it's not a far walk. This actually works out in other ways, because of something I haven't posted yet. I've felt that God wants me to spend my time in ministry, even without pay, instead of finding a job. So, I've already arranged to teach a class every Monday afternoon at Teen Challenge. I've also decided that I'm going to use the public transit system to share the gospel with whomever is willing to listen. I know it sounds a little insane, but you know what? I don't really care how crazy I sound. I can take the bus into town, buy a homeless person lunch, and sit and talk with them about their life and Jesus. Or, I can sit and read my bible on the bus for several trips, and catch the curious looks, and pray that the Holy Spirit leads them to ask questions. This is how I'm sacrificing, and for a specific population, the underprivileged. 

The fourth part is to spend your time in another context, which Platt identifies as spending a week outside your regular area of ministry. I don't know how this is going to work out, but I'm going to pray for guidance, and plan a mission trip over the next year. Maybe I'll just drive across the border to Mexico, or maybe something else will come along. Maybe I'll spend a week helping out after a natural disaster. Whatever call God puts on me to minister in another area, I will follow. 

Last, but not least, to commit to a community. This means to commit to a church. I've been bouncing back and forth between two campuses of the same church, and I don't know if that's committing, but perhaps it's time to decide upon one or the other. The problem is that I have people at both locations I like to see and hear. Maybe I can join both campuses. 

The primary argument Platt advances is that of Jesus' last words to His disciples before He ascended to heaven: to go and make disciples out of all the nations. Not to water them down with Americanized Christianity, but to create another disciple, that will create more disciples. To GO, out into the world, not just your town, and spread the Gospel, to spread the good news. I don't know about you, but I want to be like Jesus, and He didn't build megachurches (or 6 flags over Jesus, as I like to call them). He traveled with 12 guys that were kind of a mess, and made disciples out of them. Sounds like a pretty awesome strategy to me!