Preferential Worship

Father forgive me my arrogance...

I thought I knew what worship meant. I have prided myself on understanding what it means to soak in His presence...I have reveled in the fact that I am good at demonstrating abandonment....I have selfishly chosen songs that move me.

I have been very, very wrong.

As mentioned in a previous post, I am newly in charge of worship for a church replant. To make a long story short, it's an older church that has pretty much died. They have brought in a new pastor to birth a new legacy for this church, and man is his vision awesome! Along those lines, I have tried to blend traditional and contemporary worship. I have tried to be open with the feedback, sensitive to the congregation, flexible with my worship plan, song arrangement, vocal style, and even vision...which ended up causing a very troubling day for me. In trying to make everyone else happy, I lost sight of the purpose.

Oops.

I left practice feeling frustrated, troubled, burdened, and confused. Not overwhelmed, thank goodness....just wrong. It's no longer about picking songs. This is about so much more than that.

I came home and sought answers in the one place where they are always found: His Word. As I thumbed through Ephesians where I have been all week, I found the answer...

Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord, giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another in the fear of God (Ephesians 5:17-21).

The Israelites did not worship God based on their preferences, but on clearly defined expectations that He commanded in the law. Just as they find their design in the OT, so can we find design in the New.

To me: do not be foolish, and seek the will of God.
To the congregation: open our hearts to the movement of the Spirit, which is compared to a state of drunkenness.
To the team: psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs....regarding ALL THINGS HIM.
To the church: submit to one another.

As always, He has humbled me with His greatness. I have been reminded that the true purpose of worship is simply worshipping God. It's not about any of us, myself included. We must throw out our preconceived notions of what worship is supposed to look like. It doesn't have to be traditional, and it doesn't have to be contemporary.  It doesn't have to include a killer band, or awesome lights, or a sick sound system (although those things are super cool). He doesn't need to hear 3 harmonies on a hundred year old hymn or my vocal rendition of Hillsong. He needs us to be honest, to listen, to respond, to remove ourselves from the process. We must ask ourselves a singular question:

What has HE done?

All that we are, all that we do, all that we have stems from that one reality. The answers to the question are infinite. Therefore, our worship must be geared towards one specific truth:

Who HE is.

Our worship should be filled with adoration, exaltation, passion ,submission, devotion, and celebration directed at our perfect triune God.

No worship leader is immune from pride, a fact that I have always known. Our lesson as musicians comes from the original worship leader of heaven, and his own eternally costly mistake of idolatry of self. I am awed and inspired at the way I was very gently reminded of this today. Correction came swiftly and specifically, and the reward for my repentance was the gift of a new vision.

I would like to challenge the non-musicians with a thought...as we sit in the audience and observe the ritual of worship, is the idol of preference distorting the true goal? As we sit and perform our amateur critique of the vocals, song selection, arrangement, lighting, etc...are we really concerned about what God thinks? Or is it just what WE think?

You are My Passion

I'm alive to bring glory to You King, God of victory, You are my passion...I've said before that if I could spend all my hours, every day, doing one thing, it would be worship. And I realize that our lives are supposed to be a 24/7 act of worship in every moment. I am, more specifically, talking about musically. I read a blog of a pastor that I respect very much, speaking of vision, and how it is what we were created to do. I have never in my life felt as much joy, belonging, completion as when I'm using music to bring glory to God. Why does the reality of life get in the way??? Heaven come down, I am so ready for continual worship.

It's in the way You are, You don't change at all, Great and humble God, You are my passion...It's true, He never changes....if there is a distance, then it must be me. Was I disobedient? Am I not seeking enough? Not praying enough? Not serving enough? What am I doing wrong? But no, there is no condemnation, just a quiet stillness. Maybe there is nothing to say right now. Maybe the gift is the peace of rest. Maybe the words are already written. 

My strength in life is I am Yours, my soul delights because I am yours...If I did not have the love of God, living in Christ, inside of me, I would be lost. Bereft, disillusioned, broken, scattered, obliterated. He is the place to crawl when I feel bruised, battered, alone. He is the person I thank for all the gifts in my life. He is everything, no matter where I am, who I'm with, or what I'm doing. 

Your will on earth is all I'm living for...I promised everything, am willing to do anything. Here is where I breakdown...why am I not moving forward? I don't know how to rest, shouldn't we be taking ground? But no....after the last year, I need a period of recuperation. I feel like I'm not doing enough. I'm praying every day for His will to be brought out in my life. It has happened before, what's different now? I don't know how to slow down....here and now, there is no other choice.

Jesus, I glorify, Jesus, my love is Yours, You are my heart's desire, I long to know You more...Whatever You want, whatever You're doing, ok....I'm just gonna wait...and keep screaming these words from the bottom of my heart.

In the Quiet

It's been awhile since I've posted anything, and it's because of the adjustments of moving. I never expected that I would have to give up the life I loved to move back home. When I left, I thought this life was dead. Apparently God wants to breathe life into it. In the past couple of weeks, a few learning experiences have been illuminated. I apologize if it seems somewhat scattered...

You are the light of the world (Matthew 5:14) - I am constantly surrounded by people that could be considered "unchurched." What a different world from the one where 99.9% of my friends were from my church. From my job to my family to my old friends, most of the people in my life are uncommitted believers. I am faced with the challenge of constantly making sure that I am exhibiting Kingdom principles, that my life is one that is above reproach, that in word, deed, and thought I am representing what Christ has healed and transformed in my own life. Going forth starts with going home in my case.

Be submissive to one another (1 Peter 5:5) - This is manifesting itself in the commandment to "Honor thy mother and father." I've been living my life the past couple of years under the teaching to be prepared to hate my parents to follow Christ (Luke 14:26). For that season, I needed to be independent and separated to immerse myself in what God had planned for me. This is a season of learning to submit to authority. I find myself subjected to the opinions of other's...opinions that I could ignore from halfway across the country. I repeat James 1:19 to myself: swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath...with an emphasis on the second part. Learning to respect the God-given authority when I do not agree is an exercise in self-control. But I am grateful for the lesson.

A servant is not greater than his master (John 13:16) - I have been serving the church for the last year, but service has taken on a greater meaning in my life. I'm not great at this, but I keep considering all the tasks I do, and I am trying to approach them as acts of service done in love for other people. It's no secret that I despise housekeeping, but I am reminding myself to consider every chore an act of service for someone else. It's a work in progress, but I find myself drawn more and more to the thought of greater service...missions.

Be still, and know that I am God (Psalm 46:10) - I read another blog today and read her thoughts on the still, quiet season. I am there. In the loss of worship that I loved so much, I find that there is a deafening silence. So now there is nothing: no worship team, no church family, no small groups. There is only my Bible, iPad, and prayer. I have been stripped to the elemental truth of the Gospel...left alone to hold tightly to my relationship with God...adrift in an unknown, yet too familiar environment. I am guilty of depending on the religious trappings to fill in the gaps of my own spiritual walk....it is all me, and all God. Sometimes there is fear of being weakened by this isolation, but then I dig in. There is no spiritual high, just a rest. Be still....

This is enough for now. I will try to be more faithful in blogging. I leave you with a song that has been speaking to me in the void; one of the last songs I worshiped to with the church I miss so much:

Your Love Makes It Worth It All

This is a phrase from a Jesus Culture song that I absolutely love.

I don't want to leave. But He has called.

I promised everything...and I'm being asked to give up my independence, freedom, dreams...to go home. 

Home is where the heart is, and there are people I love immensely....

I need His music...in my heart, in my head, pouring forth from my hands and mouth...

His loves makes it worth everything, so long as I can rejoice and worship...

I Have My Moments

Give me faith to trust what You say, that You’re good, and Your love is great…

I love this song, although I usually don’t have problems with faith. I would be lost without my greatest spiritual gift, and I watch others struggle with faith, and am grateful that it is one area where I do not. I have my own issues, however… As the song goes on, it says, I may be weak, but your Spirit’s strong in me…my flesh may fail, but my God You never will! It has always in the past reminded me of the times when I did in fact fail, because I am weak, but God turned my horrible mess into an amazing message.

Trials are exhausting, and I’m positive that someone is saying “Amen” right now!  There is a purpose for them, as we are reminded several times by Paul:

…we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance (Romans 5:3)…

I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be reveled in us (Romans 8:18)…No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be temped beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it (1 Corinthians 10:13)…And He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

James admonishes us to count it all joy when you fall into various trials…1:2. While there always comes a point where I am able to smile in the face of whatever adversity is at my door, I’ll be honest….there is about a 24 hour window of full-on pity party sulking. These are the 86,400 seconds that very few people see: lying in bed, listening to worship music, crying, praying, griping, reading His word, crying, staring blankly into space, holding my head in my hands, more crying, more praying, more worship music, lying in bed despondently (yeah), more griping, more Scripture…repeat as necessary.

It takes some time to wrap my brain around the fact that I’m absolutely gonna have to suck it up and let it go, and trust Him to handle whatever crazy, random, overwhelming, insane scenario has come my way. Then I begin to feel foolish, and start to remember that this will pass, that these trials and tribulations are about bringing me to a stronger place, that every good thing is from God, that He has everything handled, that our testimony matches our call, and that my name means resurrection. With a name like that, I’m just not gonna get off easy in this thing called life…I am, however, going to take all of these experiences in their moment to display faith that is much greater than a mustard seed, grace that covers all brokenness, joy that bursts forth in worship, and hope that is unending. <3

Answers: Part Three

Though you feel I'm far away, I am closer than your breath. I am with you...more than you know...

Click the play button:

I've probably posted this before, but perhaps I needed a reminder. Strange thing...apparently venturing out of my house for extended period of time produces incredible revelations of God. I'm going to make this quick, because I'm still running it all around, and not really on the ball...but I need to say that I'm off.

I have a pride issue...and a self-control issue...and a trust issue.

And I'm exhausted and probably not thinking very clearly.

Had a wonderful weekend with some amazing people though...and that is what makes life great. So apparently I can keep going...whew, thanks God! I put this in the answers category like a few recent posts, and I'm not even sure what the answers are, but I'm sure that they're there. Just waiting to be unleashed, and I'm ok with that, and as much as I love knowing exactly what's going on, I have learned that just letting go, and letting God do what works, is the ONLY course of action. I'm a terrible driver AND navigator...and I've definitely tried to do both.

ME: Oh yeah, why don't we take this road right here, it looks kinda interesting.
HIM: No, not a good idea.
ME: But please, it looks so fun and intriguing.
HIM: I wouldn't.
ME: *turning the wheel*
HIM: *shakes head*

What is wrong with me? How stupid can I possibly be? I know things work best HIS way...I have no clue what I'm doing, but just trying to follow Him in any way I can. So I'm going to close my eyes, and enjoy the ride

Worship

I've been sitting here relaxing on this New Year's eve, listening to worship music preparing myself for church this weekend. I play the keys, it's pretty cool. So I make a playlist on YouTube every week of the songs and just listen to them on repeat.

It hit me today what it really means to lead worship, and that is the fact that you're standing up there, completely transparent, loving God for everyone to see.

Completely transparent...showing a vulnerable side of yourself.

Worship needs to be done with emotion, passion, adoration, and exultation.

Happy New Year!

Wonderstruck

I am in complete and total awe at the stunning love I feel when God gently pulls me closer. It's mind-blowingly amazing, and I'm just bursting at the seams in happiness. 

Jesus, our God, Great and mighty to be praised.

And praise I shall, from the depths of my heart. I keep throwing myself down in front of the cross when I'm praying, realizing that I am a horrible person, and so incredibly grateful that the blood of Jesus covers me. I understand His role as Mediator so much more now than I ever have before. When I feel I am lacking in something (a character trait perhaps), I can call on His name, and He comes to my rescue. Teaching me how to do the things I am not strong enough to do on my own. Guiding me in a path of holiness that I alone could never attain. Jesus is my mentor.

God of all days, glorious in all of Your ways.

Oh and God is truly glorious. The magnitude of His magnificence is immeasurable in words. I have always considered Him as a loving Father, welcoming me into His arms in comfort. For the first time in my life, I've felt a sternness. I am forced to use Jesus as my liaison. God still listens, but I've been fed the lie that He has turned His face from me. I'm sinking into His presence, knowing Him more daily, but still yearning for more.

Your majesty, the wonder and grace, in the light of Your name.

So I come back into the fold, reconciled with God by the blood of Christ. Calling on the name of Jesus to intercede on my behalf. It's the perfect relationship, completely beyond those in this world. To be awed by God, to be forgiven, and cleansed of all stain. 

I think perhaps we are like the white wall of my favorite visual sleep-aid. It works by placing a white wall in front of your line of vision, and keeping it from becoming cluttered with words, images, or colors. It's actually quite frustrating, because our tendency is to transmit our thoughts onto that blank canvas. I find myself repeatedly clearing it, until I become frustrated. The next thing I know, I'm waking up...so it works! The comparison comes because I am like that white wall, trying desperately hard to stay clean, but constantly messing it up, only to have to erase and start over. God promises that our sin will be forgotten when we repent with all our heart. We are only horrible people when we refuse to accept God's perfect presence.