And So It Begins

Early warning that this may seem a little sporadic,  but it all makes sense somehow...

I started having nightmares last week. In this period of calm, rest, nothingness, it was actually a breath of fresh air. It reminded me that I'm alive and that I'm still a threat to the enemy. Saturday night was the last occurrence, and when I awoke, I immediately felt the spirituality of the dream/nightmare, so I started praying. As I was praying I "remembered" that it was the third night of such events. After a bit of prayer, I fell asleep again, only to have yet another dream, this one much more obvious: a green snake with horns bit me on the foot.

I went to church Sunday with a renewed purpose and fervor to do God's will. Not that mine ever really died, it's just been in limbo the last couple of months while nothing has been happening. I came home, and anointed the entire house. I slept like a baby last night.

This evening, however, I am restless in my sleeplessness, overcharged as I desperately try to discover the next season of God's purpose in my life. Tonight there were talks in my house of starting a new church with a strong music ministry. As I laid here just a few short minutes ago, God whispered to me that the reason for my discontent of late is that I'm not doing what I was created to do.

My calling and purpose is worship...every part of my life for the last 31 years speaks to that: I was trained in classical piano for 11 years, active in band and choir in high school, almost majored in music in college. Regardless of all the technical history, God has anointed me to lead worship. The experiences I have had are far greater in talent and leading that I could ever achieve on my own...it is ALL HIM.

This season of rest is coming to a close, and I honestly could not be happier. I want to be a life-changer in the Kingdom of God, and fulfill what I was created to do. Knowing your purpose for God, and not doing it is the most frustrating thing I've experienced in a long time. I'm supposed to show people how to get into the presence of God, and futile efforts at anything else just do not satisfy.

And maybe there's pride, because all worship leaders have to deal with that nasty little issue. I enjoy experiencing worship from the congregation, I enjoy worshipping in my own private little world without a microphone or piano in front of me. Selfishly, I could take it in like a heroin addict: in the car, on the treadmill, in the pews, it doesn't really matter. Music is music no matter where I am, and I'm singing praises to God when no one is looking. But the reality is that God's call is His call....and although He is always enough, we are created to be a part of His body, to have a ministry, whatever form it takes.

This is about me, but I hope in reading it, you are challenged in your own walk with God, in your own calling, to seek and pray and discover the purpose that God has placed upon your life. Remember, Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you..(Jeremiah 1:5). This promise is specific to the OT prophet Jeremiah to be a prophet to the nations, but the truth is that God knew each one of us before we ever drew a breath, and He plans for each one of us to have a significant responsibility in bringing the Kingdom of Heaven here on earth.

Go find your purpose.

You are My Passion

I'm alive to bring glory to You King, God of victory, You are my passion...I've said before that if I could spend all my hours, every day, doing one thing, it would be worship. And I realize that our lives are supposed to be a 24/7 act of worship in every moment. I am, more specifically, talking about musically. I read a blog of a pastor that I respect very much, speaking of vision, and how it is what we were created to do. I have never in my life felt as much joy, belonging, completion as when I'm using music to bring glory to God. Why does the reality of life get in the way??? Heaven come down, I am so ready for continual worship.

It's in the way You are, You don't change at all, Great and humble God, You are my passion...It's true, He never changes....if there is a distance, then it must be me. Was I disobedient? Am I not seeking enough? Not praying enough? Not serving enough? What am I doing wrong? But no, there is no condemnation, just a quiet stillness. Maybe there is nothing to say right now. Maybe the gift is the peace of rest. Maybe the words are already written. 

My strength in life is I am Yours, my soul delights because I am yours...If I did not have the love of God, living in Christ, inside of me, I would be lost. Bereft, disillusioned, broken, scattered, obliterated. He is the place to crawl when I feel bruised, battered, alone. He is the person I thank for all the gifts in my life. He is everything, no matter where I am, who I'm with, or what I'm doing. 

Your will on earth is all I'm living for...I promised everything, am willing to do anything. Here is where I breakdown...why am I not moving forward? I don't know how to rest, shouldn't we be taking ground? But no....after the last year, I need a period of recuperation. I feel like I'm not doing enough. I'm praying every day for His will to be brought out in my life. It has happened before, what's different now? I don't know how to slow down....here and now, there is no other choice.

Jesus, I glorify, Jesus, my love is Yours, You are my heart's desire, I long to know You more...Whatever You want, whatever You're doing, ok....I'm just gonna wait...and keep screaming these words from the bottom of my heart.

I Can't Commit

I have commitment issues in a lot of areas, but today, I'm concerned about one particular area: finding a church home.

Why is this so hard????

It's like a wheel of fortune of church attendance. Every week I think I've found it, then as Sunday gives way to Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, I start to feel a discontent. I don't even know what I'm looking for. Maybe just "that" feeling that I'm in the right place..which I have had slivers of.

Maybe I'm waiting for that feeling I had the first time I attended Liberty....which is preposterous, because I was in a different place.

I want the music to be just right, the preaching to be deep and inspiring, the people to be like me....

Am I shopping for shoes or a church?????

A couple painful truths:

• I enjoy flitting around the periphery because I have zero intention of staying in East Texas.
• I'm not sure I want to be part of a worship team because I'm writing songs and would rather put together a band to jam with privately.
• I'm avoiding the church I really liked because I don't want to get stuck there.

I have done some article reading about this process, and have read that some people have done this for over a year...over a year?!?!?!? 

I keep asking God what I should do....silence...

It's Sunday, so here I go again, a new church, new music, new teaching, new experience....